Threesome went wrong

[Cherryblossom85]

Hi all I'm posting this for a couple of reasons really.
One being I have noone else to get this all of my chest too as I haven't told any friends about it and Two to warn other how a potential threesome could go.

So here goes
I've been seeing a man for about 9 months, he has always treated me very well all the things I had been looking for including No games. Grounded. Mature. Kind . Funny and we have always just clicked from day one.

A couple of months ago we spoke about sexual fantasies his being a threesome, he said he would never make me feel pressured to do this though & was happy for it just to be a fantasy. As time went on I felt more comfortable with him sexually & said I would like to explore this with him .
He was clearly very excited & got to work straight away on joining dating sites & sites aimed for swinging / threesomes.
I left all that side to him as I'm not really into messaging people back & forth.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago he msg me and told me he has found someone, she would like to explore with us as a couple

He sent me the conversation between them and the photos they had exchanged, it was all very open and he said I could change my mind at any time ( which I have felt I can do)
We had arranged to meet her this friday just gone.
The past 2 weeks leading up to it, she is all he has spoken about it was like he was obsessed , i just said to myself well once it is out if his system maybe he wint be going on and on about her so much.
To cut a long story short ... we met her friday evening, I found her very attractive and there was an instant chemistry between us.
We all chatted for a while and then she made it clear she would like to take things further that evening so we booked into a hotel.
The thing is , she seemed very keen on me and was all over me , kissing touching etc. The man I'm seeing was initially into it he then turned and said to her can I join in now and she said no not yet I just want to be with her for a minute , so he respected that.
As things progressed she only wanted me , I stopped and asked her are you actually gay? Or not attracted to my boyfriend? That's ok if either of those things are correct however we were after a threesome, she then kissed him for a while and they started doing other things together ... I could see her actually wince though as if she just was not attracted to him in the slightest ... she kept turning back towards me and when he put his hand on her leg to get involved she said no and moved his hand off her.
It was all a bit awkward however I was quite enjoying being with her , I looked over at my boyfriend and he looked very angry , I had never seen him like this before!
She then went to the bathroom and he turned to me and said that he doenst want the threesome to continue and that he was going to offer to pay for her cab.
He was very short with me and it was clear he wasnt having a good time so I agreed.
When she came out of the bathroom I was polite and friendly and said it wasnt working for us as a couple and we would call her a cab. I was so embarrassed about my boyfriend's behaviour as he was grumpy now and didnt speak to her before she left. I walked her out to the cab gave a hug and said goodbye.
When I walked back into the hotel room my boyfriend was very cross and said shes obsessed with you! I said to him I'm so confused this is what your fantasy you have said for a long time that you wanted to see me with another woman .I understand she was more attracted to me then him however I couldnt help this.
Anyway his behaviour has now given me the ick and I dont think I want to see him anymore!. We went to sleep that evening and the next morning we went for breakfast he moaned about how expensive the bill for breakfast was ( it really wasn't) I had never seen him behave like this before now.
I offered to pay for it just to keep him quiet and to stop the moaning although it was his turn to pay as we often take turns.
I paid for the breakfast we got up to leave and his whole attitude was miserable. I tried talking to him and he was having none of it , again something I've never seen in him before as we have always communicated well.
By Saturday afternoon I was ready to go home , we had the weekend planned together but something had switched inside me after seeing him like this and I made my excuses and said I needed to get back as my children were coming back early . I made it up but I just had to leave , I couldn't stand to be around him.
I feel like theres no going back from this.
Any advice over what to do please?
Thanks in advance

I only used consent in the correct context, so stop once again trying to make out that I'm using it to mean that he was entitled to something.

You twisted every single one of my posts, hence the hellish debate that ensued.

I'm not twisting anything, it is quite literally what you're saying. You deny it, it's still there, you deny it, it's still there, ad infinitum.

She agreed to have drinks, that went well, so they agreed to get a room together. Sex might have evolved one way, another way or not at all.

Nope you twisted every single post.

....ad infinitum....

It's definitely non consensual when someone falls asleep out of boredom, just so you know.

OP… i feel so proud for you!! 😂😂. I am sure it will be an eye opener for you, if ur spirit agrees, go with it. Your ex is a dickhead too!! Glad for you that shit is done… He is a world class wanker!! Enjoy your time with your new friend 🥂💐

Indeed, but she agreed to a threesome so i'm still struggling to see where he's a creep for attempting to have sex with someone who verbally consented.

I mean ok, she can withdraw consent any time she likes and he has to respect that, but that doesn't make him a creep.

I just love how everyone is assuming stuff (because let's face it... none of us were there), maybe the BF has bad BO, he's not hygienic, the picture he send the lady was a really old one or photoshopped and the reality didn't match with how he looked now, maybe the guy is handsome but he's quite a prick and she was all turned off by his "macho antics" etc...

None of us were there so god know why this random female stranger from the internet was turned off by the OP's BF, whatever the case is she was not there to please anyone but herself. She owed nothing to this guy.

You'll have to ask the unicorn, she was there and she sensed something off about him. And it seems she was right.

Maybe OP can give us more after her date!

Did she?

Or did she just fancy OP the entire time and decide at the time that nah... i don't fancy cock thanks. As Samantha has said, there could have been a number of reasons for that happening, but he's not in the wrong on that front.

What he's in the wrong for is his epic ego driven tantrum afterwards actually, but he isn't in the wrong for agreeing to a threesome, expecting a threesome and then being upset that the unicorn didn't want a threesome, he's in the wrong for how that tantrum manifested into being a pouty, twatty, butthurt knobhead.

Just saying.

Well according to OP:

"She said shes had alot of threesomes and he gave an entitled attitude that she picked up on straight away & said she found me a more attractive person."

Entitled in this context equals creep to me, especially since his next fantasy was to punish OP, but perhaps you'd use a different word for it. Doesn't matter, it's not a nuance that changes anything. The point is, he had an attitude that turned her off and she didn't want to interact with him; her perfect right. He then called a halt to proceedings because he wasn't getting the attention he wanted, she respected that and went home.

It's many things (fucking hilarious being number one) but it's not a case of consent being breached.

@roses321 he isn't in the wrong for agreeing to a threesome, expecting a threesome and then being upset that the unicorn didn't want a threesome,

Wait... so he's upset that unicorn didn't like him and he "isn't on the wrong"? Yes, It's called "male entitlement". For x,y,z reasons he turned her off in real life, but then she's a human being, not a sex worker trying to please him, she owes him nothing, zero, nada, zilch. Sometimes the chemistry is there and sometimes it's not, and if he's planning to get all pissy about the non chemistry factor he needs to stay away from group sex because a) he's not mature enough to handle rejection and b) He's going to get his fragile ego hurted a lot.

In fact, rereading the OP, it seems the unicorn kissed him even after it was clear she wasn't really into it and OP says she even winced at his touch at one point. So if we did want to make a consent issue out of this...

For all the people painting him as the victim because it wasn't a full enough threesome, his complaint afterwards was that it should have gone his way because it was his fantasy and even said he hadn't wanted OP or the unicorn to experience so much attraction to each other or enjoy each other so much. That doesn't sound like three equally involved people all with their own desires to me...

If you want it to actually be all about you, then you need to make that clear, and people can still decide at any point that they don't want to do it any more.

@NonPlayerCharacter If you want it to actually be all about you, then you need to make that clear, and people can still decide at any point that they don't want to do it any more.

If you want to make it all about you because you have a" crystal clear fantasy" in your head (being that fantasy having two women pleasing you and making you the center of attention) then you need to hire a sex worker who will perfectly play that desired scenario in exchange of $, or clearly explain the two women involved that this is all about you and your fantasy and let them decide if it sounds appealing to them.

No he's not in the wrong for that.
So if you went to a threesome, agreed to one and the unicorn said "sure sounds great, see you at 6" and then they turned up and decided they didn't like you, but they liked your partner, that wouldn't affect you? You wouldn't feel upset about it?

No, the guy isn't in the wrong for that.

What he's in the wrong for is how he acted as a result of that. We're here again Samantha arguing about peoples right to feel a certain way, I am genuinely beginning to think you're a robot at this point.

It's fuck all to do with male entitlement, it's about the fact everyone in that threesome agreed to X and then X changed to Y when the rubber hit the road.

We're not talking about the fact that because she's upset "she owes him". Where have I said that? She doesn't owe him shit, and he doesn't owe her shit either actually. She can walk out anytime, he can walk out anytime.

My issue with him is the behaviour that manifested as a result of his clear disgruntlement, my issue is not the fact he was disgruntled. Nobody likes rejection, that isn't a male only emotion.

I agree with you that he shold stay away from group sex because he's not mature enough, but that harks back to the comment I originally made about this which was along the lines of the fact someones cock was doing the thinking here.... and nothing else got taken into account.

I mean there is an argument to say that if you agree to a threesome and you decide you don't like one of the parties, you don't stick around and leave one person out of the frey.

What a fucking mess basically.

In this kind of situation, everyone has to agree on terms. There were no terms, so we can all sit here arguing about it but I just think that if the agreed activity wasn't going to plan, it's better of disbanding. I don't really think it's cool of unicorn to stick around and fuck his partner, and I definitely think the guy in this equation is a prize jerk for how he's behaved towards op, it isn't her fucking fault unicorn didn't like him.

"I mean there is an argument to say that if you agree to a threesome and you decide you don't like one of the parties, you don't stick around and leave one person out of the frey."

Looking through the OP, the XP apparently said that it would turn him on to watch her with another woman. He may also have said this to guest when the meet was being arranged.

As you say, there wasn't an agreement on terms, on polite phrases to take a pause etc etc.

Him being hurt or upset afterwards and wanting to talk would have been OK. Him getting stroppy and blaming everyone else that it wasn't what he thought - not OK.

Sorry but I disagree, "sexual chemistry" is not something you're entitled to, it either happens or not, if he wants to get all pissy because unicorn ended up having little sexual chemistry with him then so be it, that confirms even more what an entitled jerk he is. In any case I'm no "seasoned swinger" by any means, but if there's one in this thread and they can offer some insight on "group sex politics" and what to do when you discover you got zero chemistry with someone in the group please let us know :-)

Sorry, I meant "what's the proper etiquette to follow when you discover you got zero sexual chemistry with someone in a group sex scenario".

I mean there is an argument to say that if you agree to a threesome and you decide you don't like one of the parties, you don't stick around and leave one person out of the frey.

Well she didn't, once he made it clear that OP's attention alone wasn't enough and he didn't want it to continue. They asked her to leave, so she left.

So what's the problem? She didn't leave until he asked her to? Some threesomes work with couple on each other and unicorn on the women. Some men like that. This one didn't, so they ended it.

In this kind of situation, everyone has to agree on terms.

In this case, he made his terms afterwards and quite literally said it was his fantasy and OP and the unicorn weren't supposed to enjoy it that much. That being the case, it looks a little less like a desire for a mutually fulfilling experience and more about an entitled idiot who wanted it to be all on his own terms without telling anyone.

You lot are trying to retroactively make it the unicorn's fault because stopping and leaving when she was asked to do so wasn't enough and she's somehow responsible for the fact that he actually wanted it to be all about him!

One of the things I like about swinging is no really does mean no, not no means yes if I keep asking even after she says no. It's okay to say no. People might be disappointed but such is life. People say no for all sorts of reasons - they might have some sort of agreement with their partner, they might just not be feeling it, they might be tired, in need of a break, not fancy the other person, not like the bad breath, be hoping for another guy who's busy with someone else right now. And your expectations at the start of the night can change. Just the same as sex with just two of you. Sometimes you're not in the mood for giving a bj or going on top or whatever, and it's okay, even if you'd been keen on the idea just before you went to work.

And if someone changes their mind, so it is. You might be annoyed, but you have to accept it. Discuss it after, sure, but getting in a strop is usually a sure way to put the other oerson/people off you forever. Consent only counts if it's active, in the moment, for all the people involved, regardless of what conversations they might have had before.

I will never look at a poor little unicorn the same way again. 🥲

This kind of scenario is why most people would have a social meet, at least briefly, first. , especially for a first meet for their partner.
If you’re in the midst of it then it would either be safe word or sit aside depending on what the couple had agreed beforehand. Huffing and stropping is never the way.

And he’s the one that cocked up (pardon the pun) because whilst pushing for his fantasy he didn’t think about the fact the chemistry might be there between the women and not with him.

Given that he’s not bothered if the chemistry and fun isn’t there for the OP - going by his attempt to set up a new threesome that she won’t enjoy as much to settle the score - I have zero sympathy for him.

He should have had a safe word set up to end the play, but again it didn’t occur to him that the women would enjoy each other more than he expected and he clearly wasn’t that fussed if the Op did.

He should have had a safe word set up to end the play, but again it didn’t occur to him that the women would enjoy each other more than he expected and he clearly wasn’t that fussed if the Op did.

Well Said!

Oooh oooh this got answered by a fab poster yesterday. You say they remind you of your brother/dad/uncle/grandad/ex husband/insert suitable non shaggable relative here...