Handhold please - my husband had an affair

[AnotherObliviousWife]

Long term reader, first time posting. My mind is all over the place so please be kind.

Been with 'D'H for 10yrs, married for 7yrs with 2DCs aged 3yrs and 3 months.

Today he admitted he's been having an affair with a mutual friend for close to 2yrs. Started after the birth of our first son and stopped when I got pregnant the second time, OW called it off when she found out i was pregnant. She's also married with 2 DCs - we've had dinner at their house numerous times and had them to ours, our children have played together, went to each others birthday parties etc. He was meeting her in his lunch break from work and having sex in the back of her car. He shares a mutual hobby with her husband so was often at their house in the evenings. Sometimes he intentionally stayed late and they had sex on the sofa while her DH and DCs were sleeping upstairs. He reckons about 20 times over the course of 2yrs with lots of cycles of on again, off again.

I'm absolutely blindsided. I had no idea. There was actually a conversation around the time the affair started as I'd told DH his relationship with this friend was starting to get a bit uncomfortable for me. DH reassured me nothing was going on and actually let me go through his messages to her which were all innocent. Turns out they'd been using secret messaging in Messenger and WhatsApp for their more elicit stuff.

My head is all over the place, I don't know how I feel. At the moment we're discussing couples counselling and trying to make a go of it for the DCs. DH is obviously saying all the right things now but he's admitted he has feelings for her and she was the one to call it off. Says he will do anything to make it right and wants to be with me and DCs.

I know people on here will say LTB but it's really not that simple. I have zero family support, just me and 2 young DCs. I'm a (relatively) high earner (but currently on mat pay) so wouldn't be entitled to any benefits but would likely end up spending every penny on rent and childcare. My children would grow up in poverty being ferried between 2 houses. My DH is actually a very hands on Dad so I can imagine he'd want 50/50 custody. I grew up poor without a Dad and I don't want that for my DCs. I also can't imagine sharing custody and not seeing them every day, they're my entire world.

I don't know what I'm looking for really but it helps to write this down. I suppose if anyone has been in a similar situation, did you manage to make it work? Or if you've been through divorce in similar circumstances, was it the right thing to do?

I've got counselling scheduled and an STI kit in the post...

@AnotherObliviousWife

So the OW ended things with your DH when you were pregnant, then split up with her DH - and now has a new partner. But has still - fairly recently - been in contact with your DH (even though she has someone new)…and has children? And it’s been back of the car, children upstairs sleeping type sex during the affair…

It very selfish and immature behaviour from them both.

This is only my personal opinion, but I think you need to look at the long term trajectory of your life. Sex, love, hormones will dwindle over the decades - and the focus will be your children, practical matters, health.

When he comes round from his ridiculous, hormone driven, selfish behaviour - he will realise that his children, stability, his marriage are what counts.

I’d opt for co-parenting in the same house, but I’d no longer see him as a romantic partner. No more intimacy/sex, but maintain a positive, practical, financial relationship. And give yourself time/counselling to see what you want to be your next step.

The OP would be in a far worse position if she wasn’t married right now and wasn’t a high earner.

If a woman lives with a man and has children without marriage, she is fucked when the relationship ends if she has given up work and depends on her partner financially. Time and time again we see women who are trapped because they have no income, or low income, aren’t named on the property and aren’t married. They’re entitled to nothing in the event of a split. Marriage means they are entitled to half of everything as a starting point.

Because I am older and wiser I would say stay, tell him you have no romantic feelings for him, agree to an open marriage, then bring your kids up together. But still have a life outside of the marriage. Make sure he does his half of the care and you live your life as a single woman, having your own relationships if that is what you want. And at some point separate

As another "oldie" I agree this is another option, @AzureBlue99, but it's a hell of a road to travel as long as there are any "I hope it's a mistake and he really does love me" feelings left

As so many have said, the contempt he's shown is who he really is, and I don't know if I could live with that beyond the time needed to put things in place

One hard lesson that anyone who's gone through this learns is that you can't stop someone from wanting someone else. You can insist on as many rules as you want - if they want to meet up, they will. If she doesn't want to meet him (it does sound as though she felt he'd cheated on her when you got pregnant) then you still can't stop him wanting her.

I get really angry at 50:50 when someone has behaved so badly. I can understand it if a couple just drifts apart but fucking hell, if he's having an affair when you're pregnant and with a young child he doesn't deserve 50:50. He's destroyed the family.

Beginning to think the best situation is a property with an annex for the Dad - where he can make as much mess, have his affairs, watch sport…but still help provide a (separate) roof for his children and mother of his children.

I agree with @Puzzledandpissedoff and @AzureBlue99. Maybe because I’m an oldie, and the rosy tinted romantic type feelings are a distant memory now - and I’d rather have cup of tea than be intimate…

But I do think co-parenting, financial stability, childcare could be the focus (and I think this COULD be done under the same roof) - and then you can have your own life, meet friends, new people - and you are free from those ‘shackles’ of ‘thou must behave a certain way’ which he has - very selfishly -already broken…

Oh I'm so sorry. I understand very well what you are going through.

Do you have money to pay for counselling?

You need;

Family therapy for you as a couple
He needs therapy to work out why he did this and how to move forward
you need therapy to help you cope

That's 3 different therapies.. is that financially possible?

Definitely no couples or family therapy. He fucked her because he wanted to, for fun. She's the one you know about, there's always more. He'll do it again. He's an abusive liar who doesn't love you.

Please don't let him torture you and demean and degrade you any further.

You cannot trust him.

You’re not going to meet a new partner if you’re shacked up co parenting with your ex. You’ll torture yourself watching him have one night stands and when your kids are adults they will probably turn around and say they wish you’d got divorced anyway. Terrible idea.

Your husband sounds utterly repulsive in his thrill seeking ☹️.

In your current circumstances I can't in good conscience encourage you to leave, but I hope with individual counselling and a few years to plan, you will be able to leave him.

If you can, I'd work on cutting him off emotionally and building a life and support network outside the marriage. Hopefully you also want no more children with him.

The nature of his affair just says he'll be repeating this behaviour. Likely with the same woman, as they haven't severed contact.

@DontBiteTheCat love your username.

I guess I am saying women would be better off not getting involved at all. Having the odd romance but setting up home, children etc with men - don't do it. I wouldn't do it if I had my time again.

But I guess I had a bad time with a violent, adulterous ex who is still an utter knobhead when it comes to "co parenting."

If that's the case, surely marriage is the legally assured compensation scheme your daughter can use to ensure that when your prophecy is actualized, she has assets and security befitting one that gave up their best years outside of their career? So he leaves, she gets the fair split of all she contributed to whilst at home with his children, awaiting an unceremonious dumping at their maturity?

This is why women have it so bad financially. Stay independent, sure, but fully independent. Once you move in, leave your career for potentially years or even decades, he is only gaining by a marriage free arrangement.

If you’re a reasonably high earner your kids won’t grow up in poverty ffs. I’m a single mum on a low income and my kids don’t go without, we live in a lovely house, have good food, decent clothes and can go away for the occasional camping trip or weekend in a nice hotel. If I had even a moderate income I’d be able to afford a holiday once a year (and even Sky TV! 😉) - so you’ll be fine. If your H has the DCs 50/50 you can share all costs for nursery/childcare, clothes, food etc. obvs you’ll both need enough space for them to have a room each, but apart from the housing part, the rest of it will be shared evenly.

Please don’t let the fear keep you in a marriage where your H lies to your face and has so little respect for you and for his mistress’ H that he’ll happily shag her in her home while he’s asleep upstairs and you’re under the impression he’s hanging out with the H. What a grade A pair of cunts they are. They deserve each other frankly.

An incident of infidelity and genuine remorse I could probably forgive, but this level of deception over such a long time, and the fact it only ended on her say so, absolutely not.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

You don't have to and shouldn't make a decision now. Any decision you make will be out of panic and that isn't right. You are thinking of all the bad points of splitting but not the good. He did this for 2 years lying to you and rather successfully. What happens when ap calls it back on again?

It isn't easy to leave and I am in that process myself but don't think for a second staying is your only choice. Right now you need to heal and look after yourself. You need to put you first and forget about him. Once you are healed you will be able to decide whether staying with the liar is what you really want. The level of deception is huge here and I really hope when you are healed you see you are worth more. Do not use your children as an excuse to stay. Children do not thrive in a home of lies and abuse. What he has done is abusive. He has gas lit you, put your health at risk, lied and the only reason he has come clean is because ap ended it. If she hadn't it would still be going on. They don't suddenly "see clearly" once dumped. He is panicking that he will lose his home and be single. If he cared about losing you as a person or his kids he wouldn't have done it.

Thank you, it was a sentence I uttered many times in the toddler stages!

I completely agree with you on that. I (silently) hope my daughter stays single, lives a fabulous life and makes her own money, but that comes from me also being in an abusive relationship.

If she chooses to settle down and have babies with someone I hope she marries, just so that she is not screwed over if it ends. You should never rely on a man’s “good will” and hope he’ll do right by you in the event of a split, much better to be protected by marriage if earnings are unequal.

I’m sorry you had such an awful time too.

I think you should ask him to leave whilst he is still feeling relatively guilty. He can come round daily to help with the kids and give you a break. Take some time to be alone and think. Personally I think you deserve better but if you want to try and work it out with him I wouldn't judge you for it. I must say he sounds disgusting and the 'friend' too.

Gosh this is a very sad post. The shock of it all. For me, him declaring he has feelings for her would be the end for me. There is no coming back from that in my opinion, a year on and to be visibly upset after bumping into her is a reaction of his feelings for her. I mean he is talking to you about her like you are his friend and she is the one he cant get over. It’s not for your benefit.
I would seriously consider also telling her ex husband. Or have him do it. They owe everyone the truth. Take good care of yourself, you deserve so much better and can move on from this. Please don't stay for financial reasons.

OP I am very sorry to read your post. No-one knows the shock and pain such a betrayal brings unless they have lived through it. I discovered my ex husband was having an affair when I was pregnant with our third child. I stayed with him for 12 years, then ended it. In that time I retrained, worked full time and I am now extremely happy in my career/second marriage. My ex hates me, because despite his best efforts 'Still, I rise.' Take your time and do what's best for you. You are wonderful xx

Sorry to be reading this. My exh had an affair so I know how devastating it is.

It seems he’s told you because seeing her triggered his feelings for her. It also sounds like she broke up with him when you became pregnant because he presumably told her you were no longer intimate... however he was happy to carry on with her, despite you carrying his baby . Two years is a long time, during Birthdays, Christmas, special events he was seeing her…. Them having sex downstairs when her family were home asleep is really awful.

Take your time - you don’t need to decide what you want to do right now. Get some counselling on your own to help you. He needs to be completely and totally remorseful and open about it all, understand why he did it, otherwise there’s no hope and he’ll just do it again. Sending you strength.

Saying he's got feelings for her and that she dumped him would be the end for me.

I'm
Sorry you've married such a creep

You should also remember that staying with him might not be an option because he might well leave you. The fact that he told you all the details of the affair suggests he’s not that keen to stay. This happened to my SIL - her parents talked her into staying with her DH and two weeks later he left her for OW and they later married. Those convinced he will see the error of his ways and realise how important his marriage is are deluded - he cheated on her for TWO YEARS without realising its importance seemingly. If the OW is single I would put money on him being off soonish. Get ahead of him and leave.

Just to clarify a few things - OW definitely knew me and DH were still sleeping together but didn't know we were TTC so it's possible the pregnancy made her think things through. DH says they had multiple cycles of on again / off again anyway over various things so it might just have been coincidence that they went 'off' again after the pregnancy announcement.

For those saying I should deceive DH and plan to leave him in future, it's just not something I can do. I'm an honest person, I can't lie to save my life which is why i find this deception so hard to understand. I appreciate having a level of being prepared is a good idea and I know I could be strong and manage to leave if it comes to that.

DH has sent a final message to OW which he showed me before he sent it. Essentially saying he couldn't live with the guilt anymore and had told me everything. He's blocked her on everything and deleted her number. Obviously not to be 100% trusted given his past but its a gesture.

He has also sent a similar message to his friend, not telling him what's happened but saying he can't do hobby or be friends anymore and goodbye. Also blocked and deleted his number.

I'm not making any decisions yet. I know the sensible thing would be to leave but it's honestly so hard when it's your whole life you're taking apart. I'm starting counselling tomorrow and DH has also agreed to counselling to look at why the affair happened. I'm focusing on my children and their routines and just seeing where we go from here. Thank you for all the support.

Pretty empty gestures. Handy that him and OW were 'off' as well. None of the other offs worked in the two years he did this and they resumed their activities. I wouldn't take any notice of this shit. I also bet that someone was planning on telling you and his hand was forced. Not because of his 'guilt', which is laughable given how long the affair went on for.

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through.

My husband had an affair and the shock was awful - we don't have children.
It is very easy to say LTB, but reality can be different. Don't rush into a decision about anything, concentrate on getting through today, then tomorrow.
There is a website survivinginfidelity.com which I found very helpful.
Huge hugs and good luck.

To be fair it's very childlike to say he has to block him and goodbye, that won't take a second to figure out and may make you look a little silly to boot. No idea why an adult would do that - he's asking to be challenged and to have to explain his weirdness later?

He was actively TTC with you whilst having sex on her sofa with her husband and children asleep upstairs?

Ain't no counselling gonna fix that, as the Americans say.