Handhold please - my husband had an affair

[AnotherObliviousWife]

Long term reader, first time posting. My mind is all over the place so please be kind.

Been with 'D'H for 10yrs, married for 7yrs with 2DCs aged 3yrs and 3 months.

Today he admitted he's been having an affair with a mutual friend for close to 2yrs. Started after the birth of our first son and stopped when I got pregnant the second time, OW called it off when she found out i was pregnant. She's also married with 2 DCs - we've had dinner at their house numerous times and had them to ours, our children have played together, went to each others birthday parties etc. He was meeting her in his lunch break from work and having sex in the back of her car. He shares a mutual hobby with her husband so was often at their house in the evenings. Sometimes he intentionally stayed late and they had sex on the sofa while her DH and DCs were sleeping upstairs. He reckons about 20 times over the course of 2yrs with lots of cycles of on again, off again.

I'm absolutely blindsided. I had no idea. There was actually a conversation around the time the affair started as I'd told DH his relationship with this friend was starting to get a bit uncomfortable for me. DH reassured me nothing was going on and actually let me go through his messages to her which were all innocent. Turns out they'd been using secret messaging in Messenger and WhatsApp for their more elicit stuff.

My head is all over the place, I don't know how I feel. At the moment we're discussing couples counselling and trying to make a go of it for the DCs. DH is obviously saying all the right things now but he's admitted he has feelings for her and she was the one to call it off. Says he will do anything to make it right and wants to be with me and DCs.

I know people on here will say LTB but it's really not that simple. I have zero family support, just me and 2 young DCs. I'm a (relatively) high earner (but currently on mat pay) so wouldn't be entitled to any benefits but would likely end up spending every penny on rent and childcare. My children would grow up in poverty being ferried between 2 houses. My DH is actually a very hands on Dad so I can imagine he'd want 50/50 custody. I grew up poor without a Dad and I don't want that for my DCs. I also can't imagine sharing custody and not seeing them every day, they're my entire world.

I don't know what I'm looking for really but it helps to write this down. I suppose if anyone has been in a similar situation, did you manage to make it work? Or if you've been through divorce in similar circumstances, was it the right thing to do?

I've got counselling scheduled and an STI kit in the post...

There is no rush and of course it's messy and complex and you still love him. My personal opinion is that it's not salvageable while he still has feelings for your friend. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

I've not experienced this so maybe I shouldn't post.

But I saw the ages of your children and the financial considerations here and I think I'd be tempted to prioritise my financial wellbeing in this scenario.

This would mean staying another year at which time it sounds like your oldest will be in school and the younger one would have access to a cheaper form of childcare. This could make all the difference in terms of stress and the options you'd have.

But I'd be booking a lawyer sharpish - first thing I'd do. And mapping your husband's assets in the event he starts hiding.

I am no romantic, in case that wasn't obvious.

This .

So sorry that you’re going through this . I’m another who has been through it (including with a v small baby and during pregnancy and the OW being a friend).

I would say…

1. take your time - don’t make any promises to him on what’s going to happen. Explore all your options including seeing a solicitor, looking at moving areas, benefits available to help with nursery costs etc.
2. allow life to blow up a bit, try not to brush it all under the carpet and get “back to normal”.
3. individual counselling for both of you initially. You can move on to couples if you both decide to work on the marriage.
4. state your interim requirements (zero contact with OW for example). My ex floundered over this point (it would have meant him losing his social life) and suggested I should just trust him 🙄. I knew then that I had no choice but to leave.

I'd be making plans to divorce him as soon as the children were in school or had funded childcare and I had a job. In the interim, I'd be lining up everything I need to know (bank docs, passports, etc) and quietly acquiring household items you'll need for you and the DCs when he's gone. (Towels, bedding, shoes, clothing, etc ... all add up.)

He thought it was okay to cheat on you for 2 years. With your friend. While he continued to be 'besties' with her husband. Gross.

Not to mention HE didn't end it; SHE did. And he probably only told you because she threatened to tell you herself if he didn't leave her alone.

And it all also tells you he's an excellent liar and has no loyalty to you or his own children. And his friendships mean nothing if he can get laid. Everything comes 2nd to his dick.

Anyone I know in your position who stayed to make it work “for the children”, deeply regretted it later. It became their fault if they couldn’t move past it fully or ever brought it up, or didn’t want to have sex. If they (years later) felt it was hopeless and wanted to separate, that became suddenly all their fault and they were choosing to break up the family so they felt trapped to stay.

Personally, I would think long and hard if I were you: this is your one chance to make a clean break when kids are young enough not to really know the difference, you won’t waste any unnecessary extra years on him and it’s possibly your only chance for it to be fully “his fault”.

The friends I’m thinking of also had very young children (one a newborn) and this factored into the decision as they thought they couldn’t cope alone…but years later said that was a mistake and would in hindsight have been much easier at the time.

So have the counselling, by all means, but this man has been SO deceitful that you can never ever trust him again…it’s hard to see how you can move forward in the marriage knowing that.

At the moment you are in shock, you don't need to make a decision right away. Explore your options, talk it through with your therapist. Then you will be in a clearer mind whether you can or want to stay in the marriage.

I’d say she called it off when she found out OP was pregnant because he was lying to her too that they didn’t have sex. Pregnant shows that’s not true .

It wouldn’t be because she felt bad for op . Or decent morals kicked in.

What a horrible situation and all whilst your children are so young.

I would feel exactly the same OP and wouldn't want to have my children only 50% of the time. Perhaps keep in mind that when your children are school age leaving would be more affordable and you can plan for this eventually if reconciling doesn't work out.

He's an utter shit but at least you have been told. I suspect if OW hadn't ended things he'd still be carrying on.

Definitely map the finances. Get help from solicitor and anywhere you can. Make an exit plan which could be soon but could be in a year’s time.

You don’t need to do anything or decide anything now. Look after yourself and give yourself time. Good luck xx

Yeah, I've changed my mind. Stay, if you can hold him in the contempt he absolutely deserves and not let it eat away at you. But really, the healthier thing is to leave while the kids are little. It's not just the infidelity, OP, it's the lying and lying and lying to you for two years. You have to understand dishonesty and a love of deception is a fundamental part of his personality structure and that is unlikely to change. And behind the dishonesty and deception are all the justifications and beliefs: 'I'm special', 'I deserve this', 'I'm super clever and will never be caught out'.

What he did wasn't somehow an aberration, OP, it's a fundamental part of who he is.

I'm so sorry, OP. How horrible that you know her etc.

I will cut to the advice part, if you want to make it work you may need to move away from the area. He won't have contact unless they meet halfway, etc. Removes temptation for both of them.
I'm not saying it's what I'd do, I'd LTB rather than spend my remaining good years accepting the betrayal but I understand your reasoning.

What about her family? Are you going to tell her husband or let him continue living a lie? Did she tell him already and if so, how will that effect your husbands feelings towards her when she's single? A lot to think about.

You deserve as much time as you need to process and think. Can he move out until you are ready to rebuild things and get to know each other again, or would that leave you feeling he's got more opportunity to be deceitful?

You and the kids are the priority. Make sure he knows you call the shots and that you need time to think. Good luck 💐

Unfortunately there's no one I can speak to in real life so this really helps.

Is this because you're naturally guarded with friends/family? Or is that you want to protect him / your marriage in case you stay with him?

From experience, keeping this stuff bottled in makes it 1000% worse.

It's good you're seeing a therapist but don't protect him, tell your family/friends.

I'm sorry, just saw you have given more info. Apologies for my redundant post! Really hope it all works out for you OP. X

I am so sorry to read of their betrayal of you & your children. The decision you make will be with you for the rest of your lives, If he stays with you, the memories & suspicions will never go away. It’s going to be very hard for you to decide, & only you can make that decision.Think long term. 💐

Wow! What a piece of work.

He has an affair to go and tell you when she dumps him. So, she has someone new and it's not him.

He told you because he's feeling sorry for himself. Or because someone else has threatened to tell you and he wants to control the narrative.

I hope that he's under another roof until you decide what to do.

Take your time and do what you want when you want. Remember that this is his mess and you owe him nothing.

Sending hugs and love 💐💐💐

@Imbusytodaysorry yeah, that sounds more likely. Which makes it worse in a way. He obviously has no trouble lying, lying and then lying some more for good measure..not surprised he confessed, to keep up such a pretence must be exhausting. Not that I'm giving the cheating fucker sympathy!

The other reason I'd stay until the oldest is one is that it makes the whole visits easier. The stress of having to give access with a tiny baby, OMG.

I also think the idea of stockpiling household items and cash is a good one.

I'm focusing on the practical side because it sounds like the OP is too. I couldn't give this lying cheat another chance.

The main thing that strikes me from your posts OP, apart from the absolute gall of the high risk long-term sex with someone you socialise with and thought was a mutual friend, is that he voluntarily told you after seeing OW which made him upset. He has told you to make himself feel better - he either feels guilty or, more likely, he still has feelings for this person and now she has called it off is in a dark place about it. By telling you everything you want to know you are unwittingly being his therapy session. What a piece of work.

The marriage would be over for me. It is the lying and contempt both your husband and friend have shown you. I hate being taken for a mug and they have been.

However, life is not simple for lone parents and the financial situation can be brutal.

Because I am older and wiser I would say stay, tell him you have no romantic feelings for him, agree to an open marriage, then bring your kids up together. But still have a life outside of the marriage. Make sure he does his half of the care and you live your life as a single woman, having your own relationships if that is what you want. And at some point separate. That sounds cynical but I have zero regard for romance these days. We have all been sold marriage and it's a big con, and women are nearly always the one left in a shit situation.

I also agree with previous post. Him telling you was to help him through the trauma of seeing her yesterday and still having feelings for her. Fuck that.

You need to protect yourself here. The posters who have said that he may be laying the groundwork to start a legitimate relationship with her are giving good advice. It may not be up to you whether you split, regardless of what he is currently saying.

He's played you for a mug so if I were you I'd give him the same right back. I'd pretend like I wanted to work through it but of course it's going to take a long time to build up that trust. So I'd say that we would keep living together but separately while we build it back up. This would be completely bogus, I'd just be buying myself time to sort something out so that I could live independently of him, then I'd hit him with the divorce petition once I'd done so. If you're a high earner it may not be as difficult as you think, especially if you enlist family/friends to support you as they may spot something you don't/

Of course if the first part of my post is accurate then you may not have the luxury of doing this. Whatever you do, please know that you are worth more than accepting his multiple years of carefully planned and executed deceit solely for the benefit of the children.

@AzureBlue99 I am inclined to agree with you.

Marriage is a con. Women are often persuaded that staying at home to have kids for even a few years leaves them high and dry when their beloved husbands ditch them later on.

I hope my daughter never marries. I won't say anything to her about it ever but I hope she recognises that it's not good for women.