Gaslighting H but I’m not sure he knows he’s doing it? Was I wrong today?

[MrsHelenHuntingdon]

My H is a nice person but had an abusive upbringing which affects a lot of his behaviour.
I have posted before. He has promised to change and that things will be better. I am giving it 6 weeks to see if things improve. If not I’m finally leaving.

I have recently been in therapy. My self esteem hit rock bottom and I was incredibly depressed. The therapist has helped me see that I’m not the awful person I thought I was, but that there’s been gaslighting to make me think this. I’m getting there now and much better than I was.

This morning - was I wrong??

I returned to work yesterday after 5 months off. This morning I was very tired and just wanted to stay in bed for a while. At 8am the kids came to say the dog had weed all over the toys in the living room and on the carpet. H had been up and downstairs for over an hour but hadn’t put his dog out.
This is typical of life in general. If I’m not there to oversee/do, then most house and child tasks will not be done.

I got up and I was annoyed. I said ‘why didn’t you put the dog out? I don’t understand it!’ he rounded on me instantly with ‘well your dog has shit in the house before, what about that then!?’ I said ‘well, yes if she’s ill or when she was a puppy’ and he really angrily turned on me with ‘well you can’t say anything, your dog has done it, how was I to know’ etc etc and ‘why do you always do this?? Why do you get up and start arguments and have a go at me?’

I answered that I hadn’t, but it was really annoying when I wanted to rest and he couldn’t even just let the dog out without me there to do it. He said he did open the door but he didn’t go out so wtf did I expect him to do? He’s had enough of me having a go at him etc.

Im now sat in my room crying (again) feeling like some awful nagging wife who just has a go at everyone all the time. The kids have gone with him.

I’ve been doing so much work on this and I was getting so much better, but now I’m just thinking it’s all the therapist being nice to me and that really it is me that’s constantly at fault.

Is it? I was really annoyed with him.

OP whether posters think you are in the wrong or right is actually pretty irrelevant in this situation because I think we can all agree that this relationship is toxic and it’s better for everyone involved (especially the kids) to end it completely.

You obviously need to leave the relationship due to the effect that it's having on you. Relationships shouldn't feel like this!

Specifically to the example from this morning, it's annoying that he didn't let the dog out. I'd have told the children that you're in bed and they should alert their father.

If it was the other way round, and my husband had been off work for months and then wanted a lie in, but came downstairs to tell me off, I'd not be a bed of roses either. I really cannot stand when our first interaction of the day is unpleasant, there's really no need for it.

I think those saying that coming downstairs and being annoyed with him is 'wrong' are neglecting to see that this is not an isolated incident, and that your annoyance is probably constantly bubbling just under the surface.

That's what you need to be looking at, rather than 'the dog weed and he didn't clean it properly'. Not whether you were 'right or wrong' to respond the way you did, but where you're at, emotionally, that made you respond in that way. You're looking at him, but the problem is how you feel. You don't feel good. What do you need to help you feel better. He's just being who he is. He's not supporting you in the way that you need, so what are you going to do to meet your own needs? It's not about changing him to get him to see that your version of 'right' is what he should live his life by.

Sadly I wouldn't be giving it the 6 weeks. He hasn't broken the cycle of his childhood and will probably struggle to ever take responsibility because all he's known is to turn it on others. Anyone who makes you feel the way you do isn't worth your time.

I can’t carry on with this unhappy life. I just don’t know how I can fix things without ruining things for everyone around me.

Right. This is a huge step forward from trying to work out if you're 'wrong' re this morning's incident.

What do you need to do to fix things, and how will it ruin things for everyone around you? This is a problem you can work on. This is something you can actively DO, to support yourself. This is positive, problem solving, forward moving etc. Throw suggestions out, brainstorm, get a pen and a big sheet of blank paper and write down all your ideas, do whatever you would do in a business meeting if you needed to solve a problem. This is your future, your plan, and you're going to make it work for you, and for your kids. That's got to feel like a better mindset than 'The prat left piss on the carpet', hasn't it?

Were you 100% right in the way you dealt with this particular incident- no. Is it understandable that you reacted the way you did - yes. You reacted the way you did due to past experience. Is he an arse and idiot - yes. Do you deserve better - yes. This particular example is darvo rather than gaslighting, an example of gaslighting would be if he turned round and said you'd told him you'd already let the dog out, so lying about things you're supposed to have done.

You need to leave but yes waiting might be best if you can. Once you escape him the fog will start to lift and you'll see things clearly.

I once turned into a nag and a shrew, jealous etc etc. My partner was gaslighting me, treating me like shit and cheating on me. I thought I was going crazy and came close to ending my life. These days I couldn't be happier and you will find peace once you leave.

💐

I agree.

This relationship doesn’t work and it is not normal to be arguing over things like this.

You are absolutely right that you cannot carry on like this.
We have one life and it’s too short to spend it unhappy.

Your kids are currently having an unhappy childhood and once they’re grown up, it’s too late to try and change things for them.

As @Watchkeys said, this is something you can do for yourself to improve yours and your kids lives.

You need to separate and so think about how that can be done with the least amount of stress.

It may be that you think about it by yourself and then tell him your plans or come up with a plan together.

This is a positive thing and once you’re officially separated and living separately you will feel so much better.
It seems scary but it’s definitely for the best.
Focus on giving your kids a nice childhood.

OP, first of all, we'll done on not getting too drawn in to the arguments with the men/men apologists who hang about on this board to gaslight abused women. It's a thing, sad I know.
Second of all, sack off the 6 week trial. He has changed who you fundamentally are. Reduced you to nothing. You need to get away from him and his fucked up family. Your life will change for the better.
Oh and if he did open the door to let the dog out, which I doubt, any functioning adult or child would know to encourage the dog out and keep them out until they had done their morning wee. My kids know this for gods sake.
Do not apologise, do not get drawn into conversation and tell him that you will have tomorrow morning in bed and not to let a child or animal distract you from a leisurely lie in.

OP, first of all, well done on not getting too drawn in to the arguments with the men/men apologists who hang about on this board to gaslight abused women. It's a thing, sad I know.

Thank you. I nearly did until I realised!

And thank you for the rest of your post 💐

Listen to your therapist. They have your back.

Your DH sounds awful.

@MrsHelenHuntingdon hope things have improved for you .

The number of times I've read on here about women in shit relationships struggling with booze, overeating, depression etc, leaving their DH, and then realising that they've stopped drinking, no longer overeat and no longer feel ground down and depressed is notable. You are in an awful situation and it is taking its toll on you. Take control and leave: your kids can visit with their father and see their ponies etc but you shouldn't have to sacrifice your very being for that. Remember who you were before all this!

Just reposting this in solidarity to you, to @Watchkeys and to* *those holding the line against the MRA types, so thank you

To the OP, you sound broken and he sounds like a bully. I really hope you manage to extricate yourself from him very soon

Leave him

This isn't the sort of post that can be validated by the number of posts for and against
It doesn't hurt to have opposing views because that can make you reflect

However... read what they actually say

Are they understanding what you've written?
Are they responding to what you've actually written?
Have they read your additional posts with more information?
Or are they knee-jerk responses with little thought?

And that goes for positive and negative replies

Most people with dogs realise that when you get up in the morning the dog needs to go out, It's automatic to do that - the dog shouldn't need to ask.

Your husband is unkind to you and the dog. He isn't actually a nice person at all

I hope you continue with your therapy.
I understand your reasons for wanting to move but if you do I think you need to plan to exit fairly soon after your children settle in their new schools.

Is this weaponised incompetence?

Was he resentful that you were resting?

Can you ever reason with him over anything?

Is he only pleasant to you when you're not asking for your needs to be met? In this case your needs were to rest.