Gaslighting H but I’m not sure he knows he’s doing it? Was I wrong today?

[MrsHelenHuntingdon]

My H is a nice person but had an abusive upbringing which affects a lot of his behaviour.
I have posted before. He has promised to change and that things will be better. I am giving it 6 weeks to see if things improve. If not I’m finally leaving.

I have recently been in therapy. My self esteem hit rock bottom and I was incredibly depressed. The therapist has helped me see that I’m not the awful person I thought I was, but that there’s been gaslighting to make me think this. I’m getting there now and much better than I was.

This morning - was I wrong??

I returned to work yesterday after 5 months off. This morning I was very tired and just wanted to stay in bed for a while. At 8am the kids came to say the dog had weed all over the toys in the living room and on the carpet. H had been up and downstairs for over an hour but hadn’t put his dog out.
This is typical of life in general. If I’m not there to oversee/do, then most house and child tasks will not be done.

I got up and I was annoyed. I said ‘why didn’t you put the dog out? I don’t understand it!’ he rounded on me instantly with ‘well your dog has shit in the house before, what about that then!?’ I said ‘well, yes if she’s ill or when she was a puppy’ and he really angrily turned on me with ‘well you can’t say anything, your dog has done it, how was I to know’ etc etc and ‘why do you always do this?? Why do you get up and start arguments and have a go at me?’

I answered that I hadn’t, but it was really annoying when I wanted to rest and he couldn’t even just let the dog out without me there to do it. He said he did open the door but he didn’t go out so wtf did I expect him to do? He’s had enough of me having a go at him etc.

Im now sat in my room crying (again) feeling like some awful nagging wife who just has a go at everyone all the time. The kids have gone with him.

I’ve been doing so much work on this and I was getting so much better, but now I’m just thinking it’s all the therapist being nice to me and that really it is me that’s constantly at fault.

Is it? I was really annoyed with him.

Really?

This really confuses me.

When my dog stares blankly at me instead of going outside I chuck a bit of food out to motivate him to go and do his business. It’s not rocket science. It’s really weird that he would refuse any responsibility to act rationally or reasonably.
When my DH and I have disagreements, it is an absolute “no-no” to bring up comparative behaviour (“well you did it last week!” Kind of thing) - it doesn’t show that you are listening to each other, and besides that two wrongs don’t make a right.
Honestly OP it sounds like you need to both get therapy. There are some great resources for couples to learn how to communicate well and take care of each other - you can google the marriage course and the Gottman institute.
If he doesn’t want to invest in your relationship then I think that sends a clear message to you doesn’t it?

Why does it confuse you? (I’m being genuine, sorry just wanted to add that because tone can be hard to read when it’s just text!)

TBH as well - why is the dog not trained to go outside? A dog shouldn’t be stood there bewildered at an open back door or need treats thrown outside of it it needs a wee 🤦‍♀️ my dog jingles my keys if they want a wee and the door isn’t open!!

I suppose the inference is that the kids tell mum because she is the one who sorts everything. What would happen if they told dad, OP? Would he sort or just come and get you?

Most partners don’t have a go at their partner because the dog had an accident.

He was in the toilet and cleaned it up the dog wee afterwards.

OP could have told the kid to tell their dad once he got out of the toilet and stayed in bed.

There was absolutely no need to have a go at him because the dog had had an accident and if this was the other way around then the replies would be very different.

This I don’t need.

So even though this was completely avoidable and has caused me extra work and stress and a living room that stinks of piss with a stained carpet, I should have just said nothing?

Really? Are you completely serious?

He isn't going to change in the next six weeks. It is great that you have having therapy, but your therapy is for you, it is not going to make him a nicer person. He is still the same shit guy who has ground you down as he was before. Moving is also not going to suddenly change his personality. He will be the same shit guy in a different setting. There is no external factor that you can change or influence that will make him something he is not. This is who he is and who he will continue to be. I understand how much you want to find the solution that will make him someone nicer (I have been there myself), but there isn't one. When you accept that, it makes it easier to leave. I think you will find that a lot of your own negative feelings about yourself will disappear when you don't have him beating you down all the time.

It's definitely not you.

I would be absolutely fuming with him.

It's completely obvious that a normal person would have let the dog out first before they did anything else, to prevent it happening

The problem with this type of relationship is, it pulls you down and makes you react, then you look like the one with the problem 💐

There was absolutely no need to have a go at him because the dog had had an accident

The dog didn’t ‘have an accident,’ the dog was forced to piss indoors due to the adult in charge not putting it out.

Well no - if there dad was on the loo they probs weren’t going to go barge down the door to say the dog did a wee. But even if mum is first port of call, which is likely I agree, there was no need for her react like she did all she had to say was go tell dad. I know my mum did it plenty of times.

Why didn't he just clear the mess up?

So how should I have handled it? Hmm? I am forever reminding him about shit like this and the one day I stay in bed he just completely omits to let the dog out causing ruined toys and a stinking, piss stained carpet which he’s had a good dab at but will need a carpet cleaner. And that’s my fault??

How should I have dealt with it?? Ignored it? Buy air freshener? Be really happy that I now have the carpet to deal with, and the smell of urine in the living room?

HOW?

This is a very useful tool to use.

I would look at housing and jobs in the county you want to live in, he can follow if he wants to be part of the children’s lives. You’ve lived with him for 15 miserable years, enough already!

I’ve already told you how. Why are you getting so argumentative? Is this what you’re like at home? Why is your first reaction to anything to pick a fight? Take a look in the mirror.

Does he ever take responsibility for his actions?
one thing is not letting the dog out, strange but ok ppl make mistakes
second thing is not admitting wrongdoing and dealing with the mess
im sorry OP!

If she behaves like she is doing on this thread I imagine he’s sick of her always having a go and it’s his defensive mechanism 🙄

A grown man shouldn’t need reminding that the dog needs letting out for a wee, you shouldn’t need to be handling it whatsoever, it should’ve been a non event and why is cleaning it up now somehow your responsibility?

Just leave him. You'll probably find the stress and depression will also leave. My ex was the main cause of my MH issues and now seven years on, I am free of meds and have never been happier.

I think you're BU to even consider staying with him even if he gets another job.

He's abusive and abusive people don't change. They only get worse.

Forget the 6 weeks, separate today. This man is making you ill and your poor children do not need to live in such an atmosphere.

Your 'D'H has yet to become an adult, OP. You'd be better off out of the relationship, then he can find out for himself that if things don't get dealt with - by HIM - then he's the only one left and must clear it up himself.

I don't know the backstory, but if I am in bed and ds comes and tells me something or asks me something I say to him daddy is up ask him (I had surgery last year and this happened a few times).
I'm not sure why you didn't say to the children daddy is just in the bathroom tell him when he comes out.
The consequence of him not letting the dog out in time is that he cleans the urine up surely? He didn't really need you to get up and tell him what he'd done wrong, he could see that.
I'm also not sure why it's caused you stress and extra work when he cleaned it. If it needs a carpet cleaner then he can do that too. You should've just stayed in bed and let him deal with it.

She’s asking for advice and you are being less than helpful.
asking “why did you not let the dog out” isn’t exactly “playing blame game” as you suggest
I would be asking the same question