Gaslighting H but I’m not sure he knows he’s doing it? Was I wrong today?

[MrsHelenHuntingdon]

My H is a nice person but had an abusive upbringing which affects a lot of his behaviour.
I have posted before. He has promised to change and that things will be better. I am giving it 6 weeks to see if things improve. If not I’m finally leaving.

I have recently been in therapy. My self esteem hit rock bottom and I was incredibly depressed. The therapist has helped me see that I’m not the awful person I thought I was, but that there’s been gaslighting to make me think this. I’m getting there now and much better than I was.

This morning - was I wrong??

I returned to work yesterday after 5 months off. This morning I was very tired and just wanted to stay in bed for a while. At 8am the kids came to say the dog had weed all over the toys in the living room and on the carpet. H had been up and downstairs for over an hour but hadn’t put his dog out.
This is typical of life in general. If I’m not there to oversee/do, then most house and child tasks will not be done.

I got up and I was annoyed. I said ‘why didn’t you put the dog out? I don’t understand it!’ he rounded on me instantly with ‘well your dog has shit in the house before, what about that then!?’ I said ‘well, yes if she’s ill or when she was a puppy’ and he really angrily turned on me with ‘well you can’t say anything, your dog has done it, how was I to know’ etc etc and ‘why do you always do this?? Why do you get up and start arguments and have a go at me?’

I answered that I hadn’t, but it was really annoying when I wanted to rest and he couldn’t even just let the dog out without me there to do it. He said he did open the door but he didn’t go out so wtf did I expect him to do? He’s had enough of me having a go at him etc.

Im now sat in my room crying (again) feeling like some awful nagging wife who just has a go at everyone all the time. The kids have gone with him.

I’ve been doing so much work on this and I was getting so much better, but now I’m just thinking it’s all the therapist being nice to me and that really it is me that’s constantly at fault.

Is it? I was really annoyed with him.

Sorry, misread it. Some tie yourself to this dud.

Absolutely no idea where the happy birthday came from!

He did clean it up in the end. I got the right products out.
He was in the loo when it happened.

What would have happened if the kids had knocked on the loo door and said dad the dogs done a wee everywhere?

Just use this time wisely. Don’t sit in your room and cry.
look into new schools for your kids if you’re going to move county’s. Look into new housing if you’re staying put.

Think about your children and what they’re living with. A relationship like this isn’t what you want for them in the future but they’re likely to mirror their parents behaviours in the future so by leaving it sends a message that it’s not ok.

I have a good job and with UC would be ok. He is a high earner. Money shouldn’t be an issue. I just feel like I’m the arsehole who is always starting arguments and never happy and going to break the family up.

It sounds like you're getting shit from him and his family. Not good.
Why can't you all move to the county you'd like to be in regardless of whether he gets the job or not? To be honest, anywhere other than next door to his family in one of their houses.
Having said that, I probably wouldn't wait out the six weeks. I'd up and go now.

Living like this WILL affect your children and the relationships they have in future. If you have a daughter, would you want her living like this. It’s scary, but it’s time to leave. Because it will get even worse, he will never change, this behaviour is ingrained in him. I left after 22yrs with 4kids, I understand it’s scary, but watching my kids mental health decline as they became teens due to home life was horrid and a guilt I will always live with. Tho now after 2 years of therapy, they’re doing great and life’s a million percent better

Well you aren’t please believe that. You could probably benefit from some therapy about refinding who you are because you are important too

If I said that to my husband he would have said ‘holy crap I forgot - sorry I’ll clean it up’

I doubt he will change. Ironically you have talked about his abusive upbringing yet you have allowed your children to grow up with an abuser.

This is why abuse is perpetual - the cycle repeats via the parents to the children and they go on to repeat the pattern. Anyone else reading this - please don’t expose your children to abuse.

As the saying goes marry a man you want your son to become BECAUSE he will become that man.

If you don’t want your son to be like him then don’t marry him

Good luck op but I do think you are in a hiding to nothing

This.

Woah. You got drawn in to living NEXT DOOR to his family. So it’s one of those .. he’s been brought up in dysfunctional household and bringing that shit into your relationship while you do everything AND suffer his horrible family at extremely close quarters as well?

Six weeks sounds way too long to me.

Six weeks sounds way too long to me.

It’s been horrendous and I feel like it’s ruined my life. There’s nothing of me, I’m just a shell who goes through the motions of trying to look after my kids.

I’ve done 15 years, I can do another 5-6 weeks. I’m too tired to leave today.

Ironically you have talked about his abusive upbringing yet you have allowed your children to grow up with an abuser.

This is why abuse is perpetual - the cycle repeats via the parents to the children and they go on to repeat the pattern. Anyone else reading this - please don’t expose your children to abuse.

Ah thank you, I feel loads better now. Tip top 👍

YABU

I couldn’t imagine my DH coming and having a go at me at 8am in the morning.

Its not his fault the dog went for a wee whilst he was in the toilet and it’s quite shocking you used this as an excuse to have an argument.

I can absolutely see why he got defensive and I do wonder if this is a common thing.

Why did you not just tell your kid that you are having a lie in and to ask their dad to clean it up once he gets out of the loo?

It sounds as though you wanted an argument.

It absolutely was his fault if he had already been up for an hour and had not taken the dog out for a wee already! Its the first thing i do i the morning!

I suppose it’s the fact that it makes me feel like the most naggy, horrible, confrontational person in the world

Do you actually believe that that's what you are though? Because it sounds to me as if you think you were raising a conversation that you feel it was right to raise. And if that's the case, why the self doubt? Why does what he says about you get to be the opinion that decides what you think about yourself? Why do you not trust your own opinion of you?

Does anybody else in your life make you feel naggy, horrible, or confrontational?

With all due respect and tough love, his probmatic upbringing isn't your problem, he needs to deal with that. You can't repair the damage and nor should you have to.
Sounds like you are doing really well and making progress in your mental welfare. Keep going with that for you firstly and your dc. You need to be well before you can help other.
Seems that this situation won't change between you and h you need to pull on your new strengths and move on before he pulls you back down. This is not a healthy enviroment for you or your children, or the dog for that matter, needing the loo and not being let out. Hope that you will take him with you or give him up to someone who can care for him.

Your reasons of waiting until to see if he can move with his job are valid.
Continue to detach from him emotionally.
He is abusive and he doesn't sound like a nice man at all.
Focus on getting yourself organised to leave as soon as you can and stay out of his way for the next 6 weeks.
He is abusive, that will not change.
Focus on yourself and getting stronger.
Life will be so much better for you, away from him.

I wouldn’t even give it 6 weeks, 6 hours would be too long. Try to get a plan in place this weekend, even if you are working. Take deep breaths, it will be fine in the end. The reason you’ve been off work is because of him. I reckon your situation will improve if he’s out of the equation, he’s dragging you down.

He’d been up for over an hour and hadn’t let the dog out.

Obviously yes he should’ve done that but why did it go straight into the blame game? You should’ve told your kids to tell their dad and let him sort it.

@Choochoo21 really? So one partner is up and doesn't let the dog out, the dog then wees over toys and the room and it's not the fault of the person that was up for not letting the dog out but the person who wasn't there.
So basically he can do anything he wants but if she mentions it then she's horrible and naggy and gets shouted at.
She should have just got up and cleaned it up and not mentioned anything like the good little subservient wife yes?

Does anybody else in your life make you feel naggy, horrible, or confrontational?

Only his family.
Thank you, this is a good point. This helps.

He did open the door and let the dog out but the dog didn’t go out for a wee.

Its his fault that he hadn’t forced the dog out but then it’s up to him to clean up after the dog if it had an accident - which he did and didn’t need OP shouting at him for being in the toilet.

Imagine if this was the other way around and OP had been up with the kids for an hour and the dog had an accident whilst she was in the toilet and her DH who had been having lie in, came down having a go at her because the dog went for a wee whilst she went to the toilet.
Everyone would be saying he’s the worst man in the world.
MN is an absolute joke at times.