Propose myself or wait?

[HannahLouD]

Hello! :)

I'm (F 30) and I've been with my partner (M 35) for 4 years. It's our "anniversary" on 26th July and I'm seriously contemplating proposing to him (is that mad!?)

We have been living together, in a house that we bought together, for 2 years and we have an 8mo son together, as well as a 6yo daughter from a previous relationship of mine.

My partner was married before (separated when we met, and divorced for 3 years now). I've never been married. We spoke about marriage when we first started dating and we both said it was something we would like in the future, despite his past.
I have bought it up a couple of times since, but it's never got much further than him saying "maybe one day". I know obviously he has been through divorce and hurt before, and that he took 6/7 years to propose to his ex, but, I would really like to be engaged and eventually married to him.
I've always seen myself as being married and having a family and I know I am extremely lucky to have a family and to be living with my partner, but I would love the "whole package". Me and my daughter have one surname, and my partner and my son have a different surname - I'd love us to all have the same surname! (My daughter would like to take his if/when we did ever get married).

I know it probably sounds ridiculous, because we are in a stable, committed relationship, and perhaps I shouldn't want/need more, but, it's just something I have always wanted and I just don't think it's going to happen anytime soon if I don't propose myself. I am and have always been, the romantic/thoughtful one in the relationship and I genuinely wouldn't have a problem being the one to ask him. But, I know that's probably quite controversial! I also don't really know what he would say - I know he obviously wants to be with me, but I'm not sure if he would want to be the one to eventually ask... but when?!
I also understand 4 years isn't that long to be with someone, but literally everyone around me is engaged/married, including people who have been in relationships for much shorter amounts of time. Again, I know I shouldn't compare, but here we are, I am doing just that! haha.

Would you, as a woman, ever propose to your male partner? Or wait an indefinite amount of time for it to maybe one day happen? I don't want to keep on hinting to him that it's something I would like him to do, as I know if he wanted to do it, he would. But, is there really any harm in me being the one to ask him?

Thanks everyone! Honest (but not too cruel) opinions very much welcome :)

Other people will have different views, but I have NEVER seen it end well when a woman has proposed. Literally not once.

I'm pretty old fashioned and I just think it's insane. It's chasing men around, I would feel extremely undignified doing it, and to be honest I think it'll end in tears.

If it was me I'd have a discussion and make it clear that was something that I wanted in the relationship. I make my decisions based on his responses, if it was dismissed then i'd really consider whether it was the right relationship for me to be in. I'm well aware of the fact that everything else could be absolutely wonderful, I don't doubt it for one second but at the end of the day I won't tolerate being dismissed and having my needs unmet. I already lived in a situation like that where we were engaged for 2 years and no plans ever made, and despite frequently mentioning it nothing ever happened.

In the end I walked away from it. It was the right decision.

I wouldn’t propose, but I wouldn’t have a child with someone or but a house with them either unless I had everything tied down to protect myself.

If you want to propose then go for it! What would you do if he says not or repeats the ‘one day’ though?

What do you mean by propose? You’re grown ups, just tell him you want to marry him and hopefully he agrees. I’d have sorted this before having a child together if it matters to you because if he says no what’s the plan?

It's 2024, not 1824. Women should be able to do this and I don't see it's any less undignified for a woman to do it than a man doing it. Four years is quite a long time, IMO, so he should say yes. And if he says no, I guess four years isn't that long and you can decide what your priorities are from there.

I proposed to DH if you can call sending a text saying 'Are we getting married or what?!' a proposal!

I wouldn't hang about if you want to get married. At least you'll know the answer!

Sorry, I fully believe in equality of the sexes, but I don't think we are there culturally yet. I think that men expect to ask if they want to get married - which is shitty and unfair - and you will be at an eternal disadvantage if you do the asking especially in your situation

I wouldn’t propose but I also wouldn’t have a child outside marriage so it’s really up to you. It doesn’t sound like he’s planning to propose any time soon.

In a word, no.

Would you, as a woman, ever propose to your male partner? Or wait an indefinite amount of time for it to maybe one day happen?
neither. You have a child together, surely he knows if he wants to commit to you or not by now and surely you can communicate enough to have a proper conversation if you care about this and want to know where he stands.

As a side note, perhaps it’s just your post but it comes across like you’re not actually bothered about marrying him, just about seeming like you have the ideal family that you’d like (same names etc) which is understandable but not a reason to get married to someone it seems like you can’t even communicate about huge issues with…

Thank you everyone for your quick responses!
I mean, obviously in an ideal world I would like him to propose, but was just seeing what people think about the woman doing it. - Clearly so far it's mostly a no 😅
My partners step-mum proposed to his dad though, and they're still going strong!

I don't think that being engaged/married means you are "safe" or "protected" though. Anyone can ask for a divorce on any grounds these days.
I think it's quite "old fashioned" to feel the need to get married before living together or having a child together. Unless it's something that would be the make or break of a relationship for you, which for me, it's not.
It's not something that's a be-all or end-all for me. It's just something that I would really like. Not the absolute end of the world if it doesn't happen though.
If he said no, I guess I'd need him to have a good reason for it at this time? If it was just a straight out no, he's decided he never wants to, then it's a bigger conversation we'd have to have I guess.

Perhaps I just do need to have the conversation again and see where it goes from there, instead of trying to make it into a big thing.
I just love all the romantic stuff, and would love to do something "special" for it, if it were me to be the one to propose.

Thanks again all... I will re-think this!

I don't think it's a choice between propose or wait. You need to have a conversation about it. Is it that you're afraid of what his reaction will be, that it won't be what you want to hear?

You've lost your bargaining chip by having a child together first. He has all he needs now without as much financial risk, so he has no need of marriage as there is no gain for him. Unless he'd ultimately like more than 1 DC, so perhaps that could be held off until marriage.
I'm sure many women waiting for marriage would like to think it's just a case of their other half not getting around to it and needing a nudge. If this is the case, then asking yourself should work. I think you'd have to ensure it's a proper proposal your end, rather than a discussion around it which can be fobbed off with a 'one day' answer, as you've already had. If you want a definitive answer, feel it's time to shit or get off the pot, ask the closed question " will you marry me?" And demand a yes or no answer.
Be prepared for a "no" answer too, but at least you'll know where you stand.
There's a lot around marriage to consider such as who has to share most assets after marriage and who earns most. If there's an imbalance, that could be the reason not to, if it's equal, there's less of a block.

We have had conversations about it along the way. However, I know that his ex pushed and pushed him into proposing and marrying her (they divorced after a short amount of time as she was unfaithful). I guess I don't want to be that person to push something. Again, it's not the end of the world if we don't get married. Just wanted to see peoples opinions on the matter.
Thank you :)

I don't want to turn this into a raging debate, but for the woman saying women should be able to propose, i'd be interested to hear your reasoning on this.

It isn't as simple as "we should be able to now because it's the 21st century". Since when has that had any relevance to the situation?

Men are completely different to women in terms of how they think about things like this, how many posts are there on here that speak to that fact?

Do women really think that a man who simply cannot or will not take the reigns on something like this, will appreciate a proposal from a woman?

As much as people argue that men and women are "equal", yes, we should be equal, but we are not the same. Men are biologically wired to hunt, women are biologically wired for safety and security. It's how we have been from day dot. That fact is reflected in pretty much every species out there from a biological and evolutionary perspective, and it is simply mad to go chasing after blokes, getting down on one knee and proposing to them.

It'll end in tears.

You were a bit careless rushing into having kids with him before marriage if marriage is so important to you.
Propose by all means but what happens if he says no? You will feel really hurt, question your whole relationship and it might be enough to separate you if he starts digging his heels in and refuses to consider marrying you. Obviously none of that may happen, he may say yes and start making plans.
A friend of mine proposed on the leap year day back in feb, they’d been together 10 years, no kids etc. he did rather begrudgingly accept on the condition that it was a wedding just the 2 of them and 2 witnesses. And has stonewalled her every turn she’s made, setting a date - well, that’s it really, not much else to organise! She’s really hurt about it all and questioning the relationship. I just think she was silly to do it - he’s always been quite relaxed about how things are, live separately and both are happy with this. No idea why she felt the need to rock the boat.

But then dh and I have been together over 20 years with 3dc and never married nor do I ever have any intention of doing so. So marriage isn’t really my forte!

i think women proposing is fine. But I think, in reality, society needs a massive shift.

Most women still see proposing as something the man should do. Every woman I have known, who has proposed has ended up feeling resentful that their partner didn’t propose.

You see it here all the time. Women wasting years waiting for him to propose, because they see it as the man’s role. They want him to ask, they want to be asked not doing the asking, they want the gesture from the man.

In the same vein, women are (usually) the ones doing the planning wanting to set the date and all of a sudden it feels like they have had to push their partner every step of the way. Again resentment.

There was a thread here where a woman realised she had to push and pull her husband to do anything. As the thread progressed it appeared they had always been like that. She asked him out, she proposed, she threatened to leave if they didn’t set a date, she organised every detail and so on. And was resentful

If being proposed to is very important to you, you will probably regret it. I don’t blame any woman that wants to be proposed to. Society still pushes the narrative that makes women believe that romance and big gestures from their male partner is the ideal and elevates them. Rather than both decided to legally tie yourselves to each other as a joint decision.

But you want to get married, you just said that yourself?

Why would you accept just doing what he wants to do and forgoe your own wants and needs to keep the peace?

So his ex pushed and pushed becuase he didn't want to marry her either, and then she cheated on him because it probably wasn't the dream she hoped it would be.

I absolutely didn't expect this many responses or so quickly! Thank you all for your honest answers - it's appreciated.

I guess I should have said in my original post it's NOT the end of the world if we don't get married - just something I would ultimately like.

Also, I guess 4 years isn't that long to be with someone without a proposal?

I kinda wish I didn't ask this question now... but I also appreciate the answers, even if people think I am stupid or whatever. 🤷‍♀️

Could you be more explicit and see if he then proposes. You could be super honest. ‘I’d love us to get married, it’s important to me. We’ve talked about it before and I’d love us to make it finally happen in (2025). I actually thought about proposing myself but I want to be sure it’s what you want too.’

It's a hot topic is this one!

Just discuss it.

I come at this from really not understanding surprise proposals. Why is it ok for only one of the couple to make this huge decision while putting the other on the spot? Especially as there’s this whole ridiculous social construct which requires women to wait desperately while men either just don’t think about it, or avoid it. Just have a conversation and decide whether you’d like to get married or not. Then if one of you wants to do the whole ring thing, you can do that afterwards.

His ex is not you and his previous experience shouldn't be used against you. Your partner has had a child with you and yet you're scared to voice your needs. A situation where you wait and wait leaves all the power with him.

I wouldn't.

You are going to rock the boat big time.

Clearly 😶

I'm just going to chat with him about it again tonight and go from there...

Thanks all!

I think some are giving you, the op a hard time.

who cares if you had a child before marriage. As others say, it’s not 1824 so that cuts both ways.

as a bloke, I would have no problem in being proposed to even though i am one for tradition. Assuming I loved them I would be touched and delighted that they feel that way.

go for it. And really hope he jumps up and says yes!! And no, 4 years is not too soon by a long way.

they only thing I didn’t get was your daughter taking his name. As a dad I would be gutted if my daughter took someone else’s name.