Propose myself or wait?

[HannahLouD]

Hello! :)

I'm (F 30) and I've been with my partner (M 35) for 4 years. It's our "anniversary" on 26th July and I'm seriously contemplating proposing to him (is that mad!?)

We have been living together, in a house that we bought together, for 2 years and we have an 8mo son together, as well as a 6yo daughter from a previous relationship of mine.

My partner was married before (separated when we met, and divorced for 3 years now). I've never been married. We spoke about marriage when we first started dating and we both said it was something we would like in the future, despite his past.
I have bought it up a couple of times since, but it's never got much further than him saying "maybe one day". I know obviously he has been through divorce and hurt before, and that he took 6/7 years to propose to his ex, but, I would really like to be engaged and eventually married to him.
I've always seen myself as being married and having a family and I know I am extremely lucky to have a family and to be living with my partner, but I would love the "whole package". Me and my daughter have one surname, and my partner and my son have a different surname - I'd love us to all have the same surname! (My daughter would like to take his if/when we did ever get married).

I know it probably sounds ridiculous, because we are in a stable, committed relationship, and perhaps I shouldn't want/need more, but, it's just something I have always wanted and I just don't think it's going to happen anytime soon if I don't propose myself. I am and have always been, the romantic/thoughtful one in the relationship and I genuinely wouldn't have a problem being the one to ask him. But, I know that's probably quite controversial! I also don't really know what he would say - I know he obviously wants to be with me, but I'm not sure if he would want to be the one to eventually ask... but when?!
I also understand 4 years isn't that long to be with someone, but literally everyone around me is engaged/married, including people who have been in relationships for much shorter amounts of time. Again, I know I shouldn't compare, but here we are, I am doing just that! haha.

Would you, as a woman, ever propose to your male partner? Or wait an indefinite amount of time for it to maybe one day happen? I don't want to keep on hinting to him that it's something I would like him to do, as I know if he wanted to do it, he would. But, is there really any harm in me being the one to ask him?

Thanks everyone! Honest (but not too cruel) opinions very much welcome :)

That is a nice story 😊

I was sat in work one day and texted my DP about moving some money across from our joint account to a savings account and he replied with "yeah that's fine. We should probably look to start saving for our wedding next year too". That was the first I'd heard of it and assuming, my proposal 😂

He's quite shy and awkward in social situations but also very matter of fact and to the point so it's actually just him personified which I love.

I also think once you reach your 30s and / or have children, then expecting a big romantic proposal is just a bit ridiculous (to be honest I think they're ridiculous regardless but can kind of understand it if you're in your 20s and / or a social media influencer).

I personally wouldn't propose, no. As another poster says, yes it's 2024 but men still know that women want to be proposed to! So if they don't ask it's because they don't want to. So why would you ask him?

I'd married, bought a house and had 2 children within about 4 years of getting together with DH!
Each to their own but I can never get my head round people who have a child but won't commit to marriage!
Sounds like it is something to bottom out with him, as it is a difference of opinion over quite a big state of affairs especially with things like names.
His past history clearly makes it difficult!

@HannahLouD MN only allows posts to be edited for about 5 mins after posting, so you can't change your OP now - but hopefully people see your follow on posts about plans to speak to him - hope it goes well!

@BarraNayk I said 'can I think about it?' and then, later, 'no, not yet' the first time DH proposed.

Clearly, at a later moment, I said yes :>

You’re over 18 and not a character in a Disney film. Use your words.

Maybe read OP's updates?

I did read the updates. She’s going to have a chat or a conversation. She might say “I think we should get married”, but I suspect she’ll actually say “I want to get married but I want you to propose”.

@BossDilemma24 not sure why so much hate? 😅 But thanks for your input regardless.

Well, then, she will be using her words, won’t she?

anyway, I’m with OP - your post was bizarrely stroppy and condescending! Have a great day in the sunshine.

Thank you!! 😊
I'll keep you all updated as people seem to be so invested in my life now 🤣

I asked him. It's our 7 year anniversary next week.

For everyone saying they wouldn't propose - my poll of 79 votes is currently at 56% yes and 44% no... Just thought I'd put that out there... Interesting... 😅

@HannahLouD may I offer a male perspective? My now wife must have also got fed up waiting for me. I wasn't hanging around for anything, and I did know she was a keeper. She didn't propose as such, but it was November and she asked if I'd thought about what to get her for Christmas. I thought "it's a bit early for that, those decisions don't usually need to be made until Christmas eve", but on thinking further, I thought that maybe I could get it right if I could fish for a hint. So I asked whether there was something particular she would like. Came the response "yes, a gold ring with a diamond in it".

And the rest, as they say, is history.

Maybe you could try asking whether he would like suggestions of what to get you for your birthday?

I don't think that being engaged/married means you are "safe" or "protected" though. Anyone can ask for a divorce on any grounds these days.
I think it's quite "old fashioned" to feel the need to get married before living together or having a child together.

Are all your finances currently set up in such a way that you get all the legal financial protection that marriage would provide you then in the event of your splitting up down the line? That’s the ‘safe’ and ‘protected’ people are talking about.

Thank you for sharing this!
Unfortunately it was my 30th on the 13th of this month - perhaps that would have been a good opportunity... Or perhaps I can use it to my advantage "now that I'm 30..." 😅

Ah I see, I didn't read these comments in that way, but that makes sense. Thank you.
In some ways yes (house/mortgage etc.) but in other ways no.

I know a lot of people have said about work etc. too. I do work, full-time, but my partner makes more money than me. So I understand that yes, I would be at a loss as such if we split up and we weren't married.

Tell him you don’t like your children having different surnames and are going to change the baby’s surname to yours.

I expect that might move him along.

Good luck OP, I hope you get the outcome you're looking for. Personally I wouldn't do a traditional down on one knee type proposal in your situation. Your dp has obviously been shoe horned into a marriage that wasn't right before, so if I were you I wouldn't put him on the spot like that. Sitting down and having a proper talk about it seems like the right move. Just make sure he tells you how he really feels about it. Financial and legal protection are non negotiable for me, so I would want to be married in your situation. Just be prepared if he says no!

Genuine thank you to everyone regarding the legal side of marriage for security in that sense.
I hadn't really thought too much into this before, which is pretty naive of me, I guess. This has given me a lot to think about...

I would propose but I wouldnt have a child or enmeshed finances of a house without the marriage. If I did have a child (contraceptive failure) then they would have my name not the fathers. Sorry but you just hear this sort of tale time and again here on mumsnet. Men keeping women dangling with the prospect of “one day” and meanwhile the financial security of the women/kids is jeopardised. Lady Featherington was quite correct “security is romantic”

His parents split up. He split with his first wife. You didn't get together with the father of your first child ... you can see why he's hesitant in a general way, rather than a personal one. Are your parents still together?

No I would never propose if a man wants to marry you he will . But having said that actually getting married isn't as big a deal to me anymore so I'm not really bothered if he does or he doesn't propose.

Yep, I totally get this!

I was never in a relationship with my daughter's dad (it was a failed contraceptive friends with benefits type situation 🫠) so we were never really going to be together, especially not just because we were having a child together.

My parents are together yes, as are all grandparents/aunts/uncles etc.

Have you discussed marriage? I would probably just sit down and have a grown up conversation about it rather than propose or wait for him to propose

Why didn't you give her your name?! Why are men's names the only options here?