Is this a reason to go NC with a sibling?

[WouldyouNCthem]

I have 3 siblings . When DF was very unwell I tried to be supportive (but I live 4 hours away and I don’t even drive plus have a severley
disabled child and a baby)

When DF passed I wasn’t able to attend the funeral as I was still bf the baby and had no childcare for older dc (DP couldn’t have had both dc alone and we have no help nearby)

Ill also be honest I didn’t want to go because I was suffering with PND and suffering the loss terribly.

My siblings have all gone NC with me due to this as they said I should have been supporting them and respecting DF by going to the funeral and helping DM with her loss. I tried really hard to explain but they’ve not wanted to understand at all and now I have no family as DM also won’t speak to me.

I'd want to go no contact with a lot of the posters on this thread, to be honest.

OP, it sounds like you were very unwell at the time your father died, even leaving aside the challenges of a newborn and a severely disabled older child. I think a lot of people may not have grasped just how out of control you must have felt at the time. Severe PND is like nothing most people have experienced. It's not always a case of 'just pull your socks up and get on with it' - yes, that would be ideal, but sometimes you just can't. I hope you can try to forgive yourself, whatever your family says. Sounds like you had a lovely relationship with your dad, so I daresay he would have forgiven you.

You might have been forgiving, but these people will never be. OP is obviously the scape goat child and very low on the rung.

As far as my siblings are concerned I’m not allowed to have my own mental health struggles. I travelled every day to see my TI DF, I was there when he was ill and refused to go to hospital, I was heavily pregnant, dragged my arse out of bed to get to my DF and make him go to hospital. After taking him there I then spent the rest of the day in A&E in another city with one of my children. My siblings were enjoying their Sundays off. I missed my DFs final moments trying to contact one of my siblings, he was ignoring my calls as it was too early to deal with me. Had I gone straight to hospital and not tried calling him I’d have been there in the end. YET after the funeral, when I got ill and eventually after everything had a breakdown, dealing with a newborn, marriage issues and what have turned out to be chronic health issues. But I’m selfish for not being the one my mother can take her shit out on, she has made my life hell all my life, I’m not as important as her special boys but I’m good enough to dump on and blame for everything.

As far as my siblings are concerned everything I do is wrong, even through I was there when they weren’t. This sounds just like the OP.

i have zero intention of going to my mothers funeral, lots of people have said, but what if, my response is “if what, she dies, then I won’t have to worry about bumping into her and her spreading her lies and nastiness about me”. If my siblings have an issue with that, that’s their problem.

The OP dose not need anyone’s forgiveness but her own, she’s done nothing wrong.

Sorry but I think some of the responses are truly harsh here. I would never cut off my sibling if she was going through that. PND is horrendous and you have a SEN child on top of breast feeding.
True family care about each other regardless! That includes mental health and family life.

Funerals are awful things. They are for the living and not the dead. The father wouldn't even know she hadn't gone.

I lost two people this year and I almost couldn't face going to the second relative's. My mum knew I was still grieving the first relative and she wouldn't punish me if I didn't want to go. She was supporting me whether I could go or not. I did in the end but that's not the point.

Not everything is so black and white. Why is everyone so judgey these days? I feel like people have very little empathy for what isn't happening to them.

Op you have my full empathy. Grieve your dad in your own way. Maybe make a little memorial for him at home with a nice photo and a candle or something in your garden.

Maybe try again by sending your siblings and mum a letter or something. Extend the olive branch, apologise and state that you wish to renew contact. I'm sure your dad woupd be more upset at the family fall out. :-(

You could perhaps tell them that you feel that they are being less than supportive of you? You had problems coping with a new baby and a disabled older child: you would have appreciated some sympathy, if not actual help.

This is awful and upsetting for everyone.
As you have said you are so lonely and upset - I'm sure that's how your mother felt. Appreciate the rest of your siblings were there but for some parents having the 'firstborn/eldest' helps lighten the load. Maybe start with your mother, write her a letter explaining your struggle. Good luck 👍🏻

I agree with this. I feel very sorry for you- your family have shown zero understanding of your circumstances

Nobody is obligated to go to anyone's funeral.
Equally, nobody is obligated to keep in touch with family members.
So both sides of this "dispute" are correct to an extent - both sides are allowed to feel the way they feel, and act accordingly.
It has all been overlaid with huge amounts of emotion.
OP, you have a busy and challenging life - maybe now is the right time just to concentrate on your own family, and leave your siblings to their own lives.

If she wants to have contact with them.then yes that's going to involve their forgiveness right or wrong they are upset their feelings are valid. We don't get to decide what upsets her siblings. Besides all that grief brings massive exhaustion and increased emotions they will most likely cool off and contact op in the near future.

I have never had PND. My friend did and she had psychosis and committed suicide when her baby was a couple of months old.

It should not be minimised. To say you would have gone no matter what the issues shows very little understanding of mental health issues. I would compare this to many threads where people are keen to emphasise the importance of changing the narrative around mental health issues. And also SEN.

This. My cousin didn't go to her brother's funeral. She watched online and there wasn't any real valid reason given. She said her husband couldn't make the journey but she could have come on her own. Her children came. People were asking where she was and it was awkward. Having said that, everyone just accepted that she'll have to live with any guilt and have moved on from it.

Couldn’t you leave the eldest with your dp and take the baby? Tbh, it is a reason I would go no contact also. If my sibling didn’t come to one of our parents funeral, I’m not sure how you ever come back from that. It sounds like you’re going through a tough time though so I hope things get better for you. Maybe give it time and try again in a few months.

Honestly, i'd find it unfathomable if one of my siblings did this, but I definitely wouldn't go no contact with them. In fact, I'd be pretty worried about them if they genuinely felt they weren't able to attend such an occasion.

The first thing I'd have done was ask if I could support you to attend (maybe drive down to pick you up etc).

From what you've said @WouldyouNCthem you are better off being NC with them right now and for the foreseeable future. Take care of yourself, your partner and children and make them your priority.
You were ill. It's that simple and yes it's sad that you couldn't make your Dad's funeral but you were ill and because of your situation you were unable to make it happen and they need to understand and accept that. If they can't, then that's tough.
Please try not to beat yourself up about it because there's nothing you can do to change their behaviour. You don't need forgiveness from them.
I am an atheist and fucking hate funerals. Performative grief IMO.

The siblings aren’t justified. You were 6 weeks post partum, severely depressed, with a small child who is disabled. If you had a MH nurse every day, you would have been in a really bad way.

my brother recently missed our stepfather’s funeral. My mum and my other siblings understood why he couldn’t come, because we are not twats.

Funerals are for the individuals who attend. It is up to each individual whether or not they want to attend the funeral to say goodbye, to grieve, for closure. It is no one else’s business.

I have been in the fog of PND. I know what it’s like. I can’t imagine going through that on top of having a child with SEN and a father I was close to dying. I’m sure that the stress of your fathers illness whilst being pregnant probably contributed to you having PND.

I don’t blame you at all for not going to the funeral, I wouldn’t have been able to in your shoes. You did what was best for you at the time and you should feel no guilt whatsoever.

You are now grieving the loss of your family. On top of what you have already been through. You may not be able to repair bridges but you can improve how you feel. I would suggest reaching out to whatever professional who supported you in your recovery from PND. You have a lot of grieving going on and you would benefit from some therapy to process all of this.

Grief doesn’t bring out the best in people, it’s a known fact.

Hopefully with time, they will thaw and contact will resume.

It is unfair of them to behave as though you didn’t attend because you were off on holiday, rather than dealing with severe PND, an older child with SEN and significant distance.

I absolutely can understand why, at the height of grief, the reaction was poor. To continue it over a longer period says more about them, than you.

You need to look at this from others' perspectives, too. Do you think your mum wasn't depressed and grief striken? My mum passed away when I was 23 and my baby was 3 months old. I was also breastfeeding, lived in another country, and had a 20 month old. I made it to the funeral. My mum deserved that respect, and although the expense, planning, and pain were all awful, I could not live with myself if I didn't honour the woman who gave life to me. It's disrespect. There are occasions in your life where you don't necessarily put yourself first. You do the right thing. I do not blame your siblings and mum for being hurt by you. You may find this takes them a long time to forgive. Let's be honest, they now know you won't even be there if they die!
There's only one thing you can do to fix this, and that is to see the reality of what you have done and grovel for their forgiveness.

100% this.

It's clear as day you were struggling in your situation OP. You had alot on your plate. Your siblings and mum probably didn't quite grasp that. I'd try as best as I could to explain to them what you have said to us on here. In grief their reactions are maybe just heightened, and less understanding. I wouldn't go no contact in your shoes (unless of course they were being extremely unreasonable to to the point it was affecting your own health). Hopefully in time they will understand.

You need to look at this from others' perspectives, too. Do you think your mum wasn't depressed and grief striken? My mum passed away when I was 23 and my baby was 3 months old. I was also breastfeeding, lived in another country, and had a 20 month old. I made it to the funeral. My mum deserved that respect, and although the expense, planning, and pain were all awful, I could not live with myself if I didn't honour the woman who gave life to me. It's disrespect. There are occasions in your life where you don't necessarily put yourself first. You do the right thing. I do not blame your siblings and mum for being hurt by you. You may find this takes them a long time to forgive. Let's be honest, they now know you won't even be there if they die!
There's only one thing you can do to fix this, and that is to see the reality of what you have done and grovel for their forgiveness.

What a nasty post. OP is allowed to look after herself. What good would it have done if OP was to have broken completely? Where would that leave her if her children? What sort of parent or sibling would want their child or sibling to push themselves that much? Not a loving one. If my sibling said to me what you've said here, I'd have told them to fuck off. OP is important here too.

Just catching up on this thread and how mean-spirited some replies are.
Parents should not have children to expect they will one day provide care. They should not be furious if their child moves to another city and has their own family.
OP I’m wondering why you would even want a relationship with DM and siblings now your DF isn’t here?
And I’m coming at this as someone who cared for both of their parents until the end - but they were caring people, who appreciated it so much.
I do remember when my DM was ill but not at that stage terminal. I was in hospital and was told I needed a hysterectomy and a family member rang me screaming that I was selfish and should not consider my own health, that I was a disgrace to the family.
On reflection I think you are better off away from your DM for now. I bet if she ever needs care your siblings will be on to you to turn up.

I really would take this down OP. You are already in a really dark place, and reading these comments is going to make things worse.

I appreciate why people think you were wrong, but you reading why is only making an upsetting situation much worse.

You must concentrate on your own mental health, your baby and your disabled child.

You seem at breaking point, this is just pushing you further

Yes I agree @bittertwisted and I have reported my own post in the hope that Mumsnet get in touch with the OP to check she's ok.

I think it's very helpful to know that the siblings are not picking her out to bully and that there's people who agree with them. Had all posters agreed with her I think she'd likely feel MORE bullied by her family.

I know people have given good explanations as to why the siblings feel this way. However when we are feeling self loathing it is human nature to focus on the comments that affirm our negative emotions.
I don't think the OP is in any fit state to rationalise

Yes but on reflection in due time it shouid be helpful.