Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 12

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here.

Dear @BustyLaRoux you will never look back. We are cheering you on. I can honestly say your pathetic partner is one of the most abusive men I've read about on these threads.

It is perfectly possible for a man to be autistic AND narcissistic AND abusive. You will rebuild when you are no longer using all your energy surviving. Sending you love and strength x

@BustyLaRoux It sounds like it's going to be very difficult. Even so - it's not really my place to say so but I cant help thinking you've really, really made the right decision for the sake of your life and happiness. You're entitled to both.

Busty, I just wanted to send you a massive hug. The practicalities must feel daunting in the short term, but there are ways through. I’m thinking of you a few months down the line just enjoying the peace and psychological headspace. I’m really rooting for you.

LittleSwede thinking of you too and sending you all the wishes, your self care sounds perfect.

💐💐💐

@BustyLaRoux It really sounded like you needed to leave and you have done the right thing to do so. Breathing exercises might help with the panic attack and adrenaline. You might be able to get some extra Universal Credit or something to help sort rent/accommodation but for today I think you should just focus on having done a scary but brave thing. The future awaits!

@BustyLaRoux and @LittleSwede thinking of you both and wish I was where you are. So very well done to you both.

DH just came back from work and nothing I have said has been right.

Wow, @BustyLaRoux The proverbial straw moment. I honestly believe you have made the right decision. Give yourself time and space away for as long as it takes. Sending a huge hug and willing you to keep strong.
@LittleSwede Hang in there. Keep doing what you're doing to feel better about yourself.
You are both wonderful ladies💐💐

I feel like the only way out of these types of relationships are when the terrifying idea of having absolutely nothing finally outweighs staying and it actually sounds alluring. Keep going!

He was never going to pay you back. Like the old joke “If you borrow 100 pounds from the bank then the bank owns you, but if you borrow 100 million you own the bank.” Why would he ever pay it off? As long as he owes it he owns you.

You are being very brave and to get out of this trap you have to be very brave. So take a deep breath and tell him “I want my money back” —he might say no but he might offer some of it back as a way to lure you home. If he offers it (or any asset) tske it and keep walking. You owe him nothing.

Ladies I just want to join the chorus and commend you for your bravery in listening to the inner signs you couldn't go on any more.

I too cope with unhealthy sugar addiction as a way to tolerate a situation I shouldn't and wouldn't if the little ones weren't so little.

I don't know if it helps but I read an article once about letting go with love. I can't find it but these are my notes and memories of it.

That sometimes people we do or once loved have to be left behind to save ourselves. The pain and suffering of the end doesn't invalidate the good times we had, it just is. So nothing wasn't real or was always destined to go to shit so we should have known better etc, just that a combination of structural and functional differences in how the mind works, life experience/ trauma/ pressures and personality all come together to mean that no one is bad or wrong, we just don't fit. And we let go with love. For ourselves and for what we had, for what we thought we were going to have but didn't get (or did, but it didn't last). We find peace. We accept it is what it is. We grieve. We let go.

I sent a functional message saying this is the end for me. I haven’t anything left in my tank. This is done.
Then I emailed my boss. He’s so lovely. I told him I was having a panic attack and can’t work and I shared why. He messaged to say he just wants me to be safe and please take at least the rest of the week off. I am sure if I need more time off I can have it. He’s wonderful. I am very lucky in that respect.

DP sent me a message back saying he knows things have been difficult and that we haven’t even talked and we should at least talk. I am torn. Whilst I do love him in some ways (the part of him that is lovely and the man I fell for) I know that I cannot choose which bits of him I get to have. He comes as a whole and the other bit is awful beyond belief. I replied and said yes we probably did need to talk at some point but that we would likely be approaching the conversation from very different view points.

I don’t know what to do. I feel like I do owe him an explanation. And it isn’t fair to walk out without a word other than “I am leaving. Bye!” I think as human beings we all want our say. I know I do. I know there is a part of me that wants him to understand why I am leaving. For me to say my piece.

But the other part of me knows from bitter experience that any conversation we have will be turned into a conversation about how difficult I am, how I am rubbish at communicating (errr yes! I’ve learned to put up and shut up for fear of upsetting him so of course I don’t communicate!!), how he finds me defensive (yes, because I am criticised constantly for the smallest of things. He doesn’t like the noise I make when I put the plates away. He doesn’t like me cleaning up after him. He doesn’t like it when I repeat something I said the day before. He doesn’t like this or that…. I never know what thing will annoy him next, so yeah I guess I probably am really defensive but wouldn’t any person be in the face of this??!). I know he will want to talk about how I am unapproachable. How he’s scared to bring anything up. How I can’t bear being criticised. How I don’t communicate….he will say he knows he could be better too.

I don’t care. I don’t want to hear it. How it’s all me. How this is an “us” problem or a “communication” issue. Because that’s not the conversation we should be having. I need the conversation to be that he is abusive and he scares me. How all the things his ex said about him in court were true. How this isn't a case of yet another woman in his life who has got it all wrong and how hard done by he is. How it’s him. His behaviour. His autism which makes being with him scary and intolerable. How the anger and the threat of anger is awful to live with. How the constant perception of criticism makes being with him just too hard.

And then another part of me wants to curl into a ball and have him scoop me up in his arms and tell me everything will be OK. I want to feel loved and safe and like all this will go away and I don’t have to go through this.

@BustyLaRoux How great that your boss has been so understanding.
Please please take some time for YOU. Stop thinking about what dh wants.
Tell him you need some time away to clear your head. Take that time to do just that.
Write everything down that you want to say to him. Send it to him. Send him your last post.
You know how a 'conversation ' is going to go with him. You know its going to be everything YOU are doing wrong that makes HIM react the way he does. You know this.
" I want to feel loved and safe and like all this will go away and I don’t have to go through this."
All this will happen for you, but not from him. It's OK to save yourself Busty.
You have taken that first, unbelievably hard first step, stay strong. 💪💐💪💐💪💐

@BustyLaRoux you owe him absolutely nothing. Like you say he comes as a package as we all do and we have to make a judgment as to whether we can accept the not so nice parts and live a happy life regardless. What do you need to sit and have a talk about that hasn’t been made explicitly clear already. He wants a way in to add doubt to your decision. Do not waste your time with long explanations, they aren’t listening, it won’t achieve anything but give him emotional ammunition. It’s one of those occasions where closure is not an option and you have to move on with just the conviction of your decision. It’s really really hard to shut off our kindness but you have been too kind for too long. Sometimes we have to go through shit, it’s just how it is. Sometimes we absolutely have to save our self, what other choice do we have. Keep going, be tough and firm and keep the kindness and the softness for yourself and those who you want to share it with. We can be 2 sides of the same coin. I believe in you because I believed in myself 5 years ago!

Thank you, that is a lovely and comforting way to put it x

Glad you have such an understanding boss @BustyLaRoux taking a few days to process sounds like it's a much needed thing.

Like your 'D' P my 'D' H wants to talk more to help him process this. I don't really want to as it would just be going over the same things again and nothing changed so it won't make a differenc now. Plus it's too late for me anyway and if we are to keep things fairly amicable I'd rather not add more hurt by explaining how he's hurt me or fuel to the fire by going things which he will object to and get degensive about. @Rainbow03 sums it up quite nicely!

There is absolutely no use getting into discussions with someone who in their world is never wrong. They can’t take ownership and often when they do it’s a guise of some kind. They will end up invalidating your experience in your emotional vulnerability and plant doubt and then back on that roller coaster you go and it starts again. They want you back in their world because all they know.

Don’t let their world you have found yourself in take away what could be, this world is bigger and richer and complex and amazing and beautiful and sad and happy. We don’t fit into places we aren’t meant to be in.

@BustyLaRoux That need to be heard, to be understood, to have your feelings FINALLY given some validity, some respect, for him finally to have that wake up moment and see and understand, is so, so strong. Its such a basic human need to be seen and understood. I still try from time to time with DP and it is never anything other a re-traumatisingly painful experience. You know he will never understand and never change. You've told him over and over about the problems in the relationship and he hasn't heard it and he won't hear it now.

Oh and I hear you about the accusation of you being the one with the alternative reality. 🙄I get this too. You know, I used to think H of someone who could not see other people, as all he could see was himself and that blocked out his sight of everyone else. But I now realise he cannot really see himself either.

This is so wise @LittleSwede

@BustyLaRoux If you take the NT assumptions of emotionality out of it, this could be a processing / working memory issue for him. It could be that he genuinely can’t remember that you argued or what it was about and so it feels really confusing to him that you’ve left, because everything that led up to it has just vanished from his mind (alongside all the conversations you’ve tried to have with him about this over the course of years), and therefore must be unimportant. And what he’s left with cognitively is a sense that the status quo has been upset for no reason, and things are not ‘right’ and they need to go back to being ‘right’. And you, as the agent of change and not-rightness, must be brought in line, which is a simple matter of fixing the bug in your emotional software and correcting all your wrong feelings.

You won’t get closure from him, but you will get free.

If he needs to understand why - because of difficulties with memory or information processing - you can give him a very concise, dry and definitive bullet-point list, with no blaming language in it so he has nothing to argue with. Nothing about abusiveness and feeling frightened of him - we know he just understands this as your being horrible or having incorrect feelings.

You are ending the relationship; you wish to remain amicable through the separation process; you have respect for him and gratitude for the good times you had; there are insurmountable incompatibilities which mean you are not willing to live with him any longer. The end.

If he wants to talk more you can refer him back to that document. He’s welcome to write to you if there are things he wants you to understand (and you can choose not to read his messages).

It is so hard. Your desire to be heard is perfectly healthy, but the reason you’re leaving is that it can never happen.

I am home. He hugged me. It was nice if I’m
honest. I am viewing a house this afternoon to rent maybe. I haven’t told him. No point. If I don’t get the house then ill have to stay until
i can find one in my price range. You’d think a salary of nearly £50k would enable me to rent something but I’ve been told I don’t earn enough to even manage the rent on the one I’m viewing today!!!! I had to assure them I had savings as well. Everythjng is so expensive round here. My DD started her new secondary school only
yesterday. I can’t move them away. I’ll have to stay until I can sort something.
He hasn’t tried to have a talk with me and says he is giving me space and will stay out of my way. I wonder if he thinks doing that will make everything ok…..
I so badly want to stay! I would give anything for all this to go away. I just want to be held and hugged and to feel loved and safe. I wish my mum were still alive. I feel so small and alone. And sadder than I can comprehend.
But I must keep going somehow. I must….

Just sending a hug Busty and LittleSwede. It’s so challenging, and completely natural to have those feelings 💐 Every day that passes provides distance. Thinking of you both.

@BustyLaRoux big hugs to you, it is so very tempting to go back and make it all go away (been there before but absolutely not going back this time!) So I keep telling myself that this short term pain is worth it for the freedom. It will get better and less painful as the days pass. I might have snuck unto DDs room and hugged one of her gigant soft toys when no one was looking, highly recommended!

Sending @BustyLaRoux and @LittleSwede a huge hug to you both. It’s the idea of the person we met that we grieve. We know this person to not be the real them - it’s a masking version of them who behaves as they think they’re expected to, rather than how they want to behave.

I’m so in awe of you both for taking these steps. I’m too financially tied to be able to do the same. I so wish I could.

To hear your DH is annoyed when you clean up after him ...

My DH pushed me because I broke his routine of emptying the dishwasher in the morning and feeding the dogs. He kept on making snide comments about why couldn’t I just leave it, why did I have to do it etc. I asked him repeatedly to stop and he kept on making them. I faced him and said firmly ‘will you please just stop with the comments’. And he pushed me ... shouting ‘get out of my face, get out of my face’.

I made him apologise - I was shaking with rage and said if he EVER does that again EVER that is THE END.

@BustyLaRoux
@CinnamonTart That's so awful of him. I am so sorry.

@BustyLaRoux what you are describing here is a trauma bond. I have been there and I want to give you a huge hug. When the person abusing us is also the one we seek comfort from it is such a mindfuck.

He is most likely a narcissist as well as autistic. He will 'hoover' you back in. You need to get away ASAP because otherwise he will lay on the charm and then you will be back in the pot, the little frog being boiled alive.

Please, please do everything you can to get away x

I'm going to pm you later when I'm home.