Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 12

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here.

Unfortunately have experience of hsving to flee angry first husband in past and did live in a Premier Inn for a few nights!

I checked into a b&b around 5 times in the relationship before finally leaving for good. Each time he would do something to get me back home. Something that would pull at my heart and make him so victim like. I think the sentence that use to get to me the most was that I met him and he was like this so why do I now decide that it’s not ok. It’s like I wasn’t allowed to change. Keep strong, it really is an awful time for your emotional health, don’t understand estimate the impact it will be having.

I've had similar re the he was like this when I met him etc. Just doing some batch cooking of healthy stuff so I can make sure DD and I eat well this week. Also helps to distract myself a bit.

I posted a few months ago about my partner who had ADHD and autism. I’d been really struggling with the emotional burden of squabbling every day; not feeling seen or heard whenever I had a different opinion; the stress of having to change myself to suit him and keep him happy and balanced…
I fully broke up with him 2 months ago, and although £ is now very difficult, the peace I now feel is overwhelming.
I know that it’s not always right, or possible, to end a difficult relationship, and I’m not trying to suggest my ex was responsible for all our problems - we just weren’t compatible on a daily basis when it came down to it - but just wanted to say to anyone wanting, or trying, to end a difficult relationship, there is light on the other side.
Peace within oneself is so important, and shouldn’t be under-estimated.
My heart goes out to all of you struggling at the moment.

@LittleSwede So much of what you have said in your recent posts resonates with me.
I too developed unhealthy coping methods with alcohol and comfort eating. Never actually realising that they were coping methods though, as i was in total denial that anything was wrong with our relationship.
Once I opened that Pandoras box, of actually seeing our relationship in its true form and not the one I had spent decades pretending it was, has been so hard.
I have boxes full of red flags from the very beginning.
Didn't see them or want to see them as red flags, so packed them away and only focused on the happily ever after part.
Now I have 27 years of red flags wrapped up in memories, impossibly trying to sort the genuinely good and happy times from the moments of "Why the f¿ck did i not see that?"
I totally admire you for staying true to yourself, I wish I had. You will come through this, stronger, healthier and happier. Trust your gut.
PS: I am not a fat alky anymore BTW, 😉

Big thank you yo everyone this morning, it really helps not to be alone 💐

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy thank you for sharing re the food and alcohol, I listened to a podcast (Dr Chattersdje) about how when we are not living our authentic life we fill the void with things like sugar/alcohol/drugs/gambling and it really hit home to me and I know that once free I will not need to fill the void any more x

@Eclipseboatwoman48 I do remember you, so glad to hear that you have found some peace, it's really encouraging x

You're an inspiration, @LittleSwede. It is so great to hear how you are staying strong and taking care of yourself.

Thank you, feeling a bit of a wreck today but am determined not to 'go back' x

Hang in there @LittleSwede ! It sounds as if he is going through the checklist:
Denial this is happening
Sadness
Negotiate
Guilt trip no. 1 (what about me??)
Playing on your fears
Guilt trip no. 2 (you owe me!)

Gradually stepping it up and no, I wouldn’t be surprised if it ramps up more so that aggression and threats start surfacing. But you are prepared and you have a plan! You’re doing so well!!!! This must be very hard. Sending strength xx

That check list is certainly worth keeping in mind! Thanks x

These statements that these men make are all negotiating strategies. You can see them as five basic responses to the trauma (they think) they experience when you try to end the relationship.

Fight—engage/anger
Flight—avoid/covert behaviors
Freeze—collapse/feign death/sadness
Fawn—approach/praise/promise to be good
Attach/submit—temporarily acknowledge your points, promise to be better

That is helpful @pikkumyy77 thank you

Just thinking of you @LittleSwede

Hold strong to what's right for you. It's hard. But you do get through and when you get out of a relationship that was very wrong for you, life changes completely ... if, tbh, slowly. The healing and the letting go of old patterns of thought take a long time.

Thank you, I appreciate that 🙏

I’ve left.

Big hug to you @BustyLaRoux xx How are you? Sending strength and whatever else you need. These first few days are hard!

to you both. We will be thinking of you. Take care. Hope you are leaning on all the support that you can find IRL.

@BustyLaRoux @LittleSwede

im sending strength and courage to both of you.
Hard times now but much better times ahead for both of you.

I hope you both also have support in RL
🫂🫂

I'm trying to keep afloat by doing lots of self care, sounds clichéd but I'm hoping it helps. Walks, light exercise, breathing exercises, home cooked healthy foods, vitamins, kefir for gut health, replaced wine with CBD drinks, magnesium lotion and relaxing aromatherapy ballpoint oil roller thing before bed, eating 3 meals a day and looking at autumn clothing for inspiration.

Lovely. This is great LittleSwede
Busty wishing you the best.

Thank you @SpecialMangeTout and @ThischarmingHam I do have my DM who is supporting me over the phone and my old school friend over WhatsApp (who is also ND and left her ND/possibly Narcissistic ex a few years ago) otherwise haven't told anyone yet x

I hope you’re OK, @BustyLaRoux. Thinking of you.

Pretty shit right now. I’m trying to keep a lid on this panic attack which keeps surfacing. I’m just about managing to keep it at bay.

The final straw was this morning when he had left a mess in the bathroom and the kitchen. I tidied up in the bathroom. I started cleaning up in the kitchen. He came in and started having a go at me! Telling me off for cleaning up after him. Saying I was only doing it to make a point. I said no, I was doing it because I don’t want to make breakfast in a messy kitchen but he wouldn’t accept it. Kept telling me I was making a point (I wasn’t. I really am just very tidy! I would have liked him to have done it before he went to bed but I know better than to complain. So I do the next best thin and tidy up after him without mentioning it. But he took exception and had a go at me. I pointed out that most people would have just said sorry about the mess and thanks for sorting it! But typically he has chosen to get annoyed instead. He said I would have had a go at him later. I said “so you’re having a go at me in anticipation of something you THINK I might say in the future? Very reasonable!” Then he told me I lived in an alternate reality…..which is rich to say the least!

And then I just decided that was it. It wasn’t a big row. After the incident on the boat on holiday where he was so awful to, and then later when I tried to explain how awful that whole episode had been and how he’d then replied what about HIS feelings? And here I was typically making everything about me, as I always do apparently. Something snapped then. I knew what needed to be done. And today was the last straw I think. Nothing big. Just him again managing to have a go at me for nothing. I mean who has a GO AT SOMEONE for tidying up after them?! What kind of person does that? He later sent me a long message about how I shouldn’t be tidying up after him and I didn’t need to as he would do it and all I need to do is ask. But that’s not true. If and when I do ask he takes it as criticism and gets annoyed and sighs and says “YES DEAR!!!” And makes me into a nag. There isn’t any response that he would be OK with. I know this from bitter experience.

Do I really want to be with this horrible abusive man for another minute?

So I am with relatives. My lovely brother. I have sent “D”P a message telling him it’s over and asking for him to please stay somewhere else for a few days while I get my head round what’s happening. He has seen the message.

I am in bits to be honest. He owes me so much money. I can’t afford to rent anything myself. I have no idea what the fuck I am going to do!!!!!

@BustyLaRoux take the time to breathe and let work know. Mine gave me unpaid leave so I could sort accommodation, money, school etc. You will be in shock right now and processing.

Best of luck to @LittleSwede difficult when in same house and I really hope it doesn't turn nasty.