Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 12

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here.

@CinnamonTart thats pretty grim. Pushing you. I’ve been there too. Not with DP. He would never lay a finger on me. My exH physically assaulted me a handful of times. I shouldn’t have stayed as long as I did.

I told DP I was going to view a little house where I might be able to feel safe again. He was very understanding and said it was a good idea. I told him he needs extensive expert help from someone who can work with abusive men especially where ND is present. He said yes he thinks that would be helpful. He started off saying he thinks his anger is much better and he is much calmer than he used to be. I said that isn’t my reality. That he scares me, that I wish so much he wasn’t like this. That I am not sure I can love him the way he is. He said he knew. He could feel that I didn’t love him. Not in a “poor me, you don’t love me” sort of way. More a sadness that he already knew how I felt. I said he puts his own needs first and doesn’t consider how to balance other’s needs because he is so focused on his own. My needs often don’t occur to him. And when I make them clear that seems to annoy him. Also that he takes everything as criticism. He said I criticise him a lot. I said ok that’s a fair point. I think I probably do. But even when I’m asking him if he will get the hoover out or why the fridge is filling with water or something, he assumes I’m criticising him and then gets very angry. That I am not equipped to deal with him. That I have tried harder than anyone could possibly have done, studied and researched autism, gained a qualification in it, read extensively about it, made so many allowances for his behaviour, forgiven so much. And I can’t keep doing it. I feel broken. But mainly sad. I feel just so sad.

To be fair, he accepted everything even if he had trouble grasping some of the points I made. If I had an example to illustrate something he would often talk excitedly over me getting bogged down on the detail of the example! And I would be saying no no, that’s just one example, it’s not about the fridge or the paper or the hoover, it’s not the point I’m making! But he accepted it all. And said whatever happens we will stay friends and be kind to each other and that he will support me in whatever I decide. And that he isn’t coping at all well and he agrees something needs to change. He didn’t deflect (that much) and didn’t get annoyed or defensive. I remembered why I’ve stayed so long. He really doesn’t want to be like this and can be extremely receptive and take a lot on board. He has changed a lot, but I don’t think it is enough for me. I just don’t feel I am the right person to help him.

The little house I went to see was nice. The third bedroom was soooo small though. I don’t even know if a bed would fit in it! I feel too numb to think about it.

Dear @BustyLaRoux you are in the charm zone. Prepare for hoovering.

The reason the abuse cycle works is because abusers turn the wheel and return to perfect partner. Except the wheel gradually turns over and over. Use this time to play along, get your money, then get far away.

@BustyLaRoux reading your post what came out was how both of you are baffled and confused and hurt. Your experiences and understandings of how relationships (and the world) functions are so different that it will always create a yawning distance between you, lined on both sides with unhappiness and discontent.

I do not think there needs to be blame on either side, though his behaviour is appalling in some areas (thinking of your holiday). But he is who he is and cannot see things differently.

As everyone says, if you go back now the cycle will start again.

It's not at all the point but btw you write extremely well.

Ask the “nice him” for the money and see how fast he turns back into the mean him.

He is basically a very selfish, narcissistic person. One thing to realize is that such a person can get their need for narcissistic supply met even as you are explaining that you are leaving! They love it—because they are still central to the story.

Nothing that he observes, notices, accepts or promises during these heart to hearts is real or signals a real willingness to change. He will never make a real, permanent, change.

I have to agree. I don’t think they give 2
hoots about how they gain your attention when they are desperate and will stoop
to pretty much any level. In our vulnerable and tired state it’s so easy to get
sucked back in, I found it the most difficult time of the whole 12 years. Obviously it will piss them off if you bring out a side they’d rather hide from you. The nastiness that pops out under certain circumstances is the real person and they won’t thank you for that. They will gaslight the hell out of the situation. They don’t have a stable enough sense of self to change, they are fully reliant on others, they need you way more than you need them. Leaving is so difficult it’s why so many people take numerous tries. I remember it all so well, it must feel so overwhelming. There was a point a few months after I left I lost my shit completely. I had no idea who or where I was. I was absolutely numb. I was told after it was my brains way of protecting me from mental annihilation. The coming together of the two worlds, the dissonance lifting and the realisation was too much for me. It’s taken many years to work through.

Newbie here. I spent 5 years with an ASD guy and became very depressed from doing all the compromising/accommodating and ignoring my own needs. After 3 years being single I'm 4 months into a new relationship and this guy has ASD too. However, it's manifesting itself very differently to my ex, so I feel I'm starting at square one again. How do I respond to these issues, or do I just humour him/try to ignore how they make me feel?

• He tells me about the same life events over and over again. If I try saying, "You've told me this a few times" he'll say, "But you don't know where I was going with it" and get annoyed with me.
• Similarly, he'll say something amusing and I'll laugh, but he'll go on to say the same thing another 3 or 4 times, often explaining the joke when I understood it the first time.
• He never asks me anything about me or my life. He will ring me up and speak for an hour about himself, then end the call. If I point out that I didn't get to say anything about my day, his response will either be that I didn't give him time to ask (!) or that I've been at work all day, so why would I want to talk about that? It really makes me feel like I'm just there for his convenience. When he recently had Covid we didn't talk about anything other than how he was feeling for 2 weeks. Every day he gave me the same description of how his head was etc. When I mentioned that in all that time I'd not got to say what had been happening in my life, his answer was, "Why would we talk about anything else - I was ILL!"
• I mentioned several times that I had to go for a blood test and his response was that everyone goes for blood tests, even if there's nothing wrong with them. Having told him that I'd had 2 cancer scares in 12 months, being dismissed like this was very hurtful. I told him I'd been worried and he said his assumption was that I wouldn't want to be asked about it. I said his lack of questions gives the impression that he has no interest in me, but he said he "cares about me more than I realise" - I find this oxymoron confusing.
• He has a superiority complex and is very judgemental on everyone who doesn't share his opinions or interests. He looks down on activities that many people find enjoyable, including myself. He can be quite offensive in his sweeping generalisations and will not accept that anyone can hold a different opinion. He literally told me that he feels he is further along the evolutionary scale than everyone else.

I really don't know where I am with this man. He tells me he misses me and "really likes me", but we don't do anything or go anywhere unless I initiate it. I sent him a link to a very neutral article about NT/ND relationships and ways in which each party can better understand the other's needs. I told him I would really appreciate if he he read it so we can improve our communication, but he chose to watch YouTube instead (this is pretty much how he spends all his time).

@jubs15 , I wouldn't do this to myself a second time. You've explained your position, he's not interested. Walk away now before you get any more invested.

He has a superiority complex and is very judgemental on everyone who doesn't share his opinions or interests.

@jubs15 just that, wo the NT/ND stuff should be enough to raise 🚩🚩
He isn’t going to change because of that.

So the question is whether you can be happy and live with it.

But can anyone be happy with someone who thinks they are better than you, thinks his likes/dislikes are THE right way so will feel happy to put down anything you like/do that isn’t his way??

@BustyLaRoux that sounds really hard.
I agree you are likeuy grieving just now. Grieving for the partner you hoped to have. For the one you had during the nice times.

Please be careful.
The way he is reacting, looking all calm and reasonable sounds too much like an act vs the way he normally reacts. Unsurprisingly he wants to bring you back in. For his normal to come back to what it was.
I think you need to be extremely careful not to fall for it.

@LittleSwede how are things going your way?

Welcome, @jubs15 . This is who he is and how he communicates. He’s not interested in working on communication with you. He‘a not interested in hearing about your day or your life. This is how he is, and it’s not anything he can change (or understand how to change, or agree needs changing).

He may like you a lot, by his standards, but it this doesn’t translate to your feeling cared about / listened to / considered, and if he doesn’t care about going anywhere or doing anything together, then there’s not much for you in this relationship. You can’t teach him to be the partner you want. It’s early days - why not cut your losses and move on now?

There are pages upon pages in these threads where posters have tried to ‘improve communication’ with their ASD partners and it‘s gone nowhere, for all the reasons you list in your post: the partner is profoundly uninterested in thinking about relationships in general, let alone theirs in particular / things are working fine for them so their partner is probably wrong or over sensitive or just talking incomprehensible feeling-talk / it’s just not something that is changeable.

@jubs15 at this point if it is like this 4 months in, it's a very bad sign. You may like him, even be beginning to love him, and he likewise you but for a successful relationship to last you must be able to communicate. You must.

Even if both of you mean well, if your communication styles are highly different and if tehre's this much trouble this early on, it's not going to work long term.

You can't change him. Shouldn't, even. But you need to decide what you want in a relationship and honestly, mutual communication is absolutely key.

@jubs15 Just double tap this relationship in the head and throw him back. This is a tedious level of disinterest frim him and it will never get better. He LOVES himself just the way he is. He will never change. To the extent he even draws breath and lets you get a word in edgewise he will still not accept that he needs to change.

@Rainbow03 similar experience; the police told me I appeared detached after years of conditioning and accepting the normal. I do believe it's ASD mixed with other traits as ASD/autism/ADHD/aspergers alone doesn't produce the behaviour many of us experience on a daily basis.

@jubs15 yep don’t continue with this relationship. I bet he has some brilliant qualities that has drawn you to him. But unfortunately you won’t speak the same language. He will be absolutely perfect for someone else. Save yourself because he lives in a world that is different and if you’ve read this thread many can’t see outside of their world and it just won’t get any better.

I believe mine was ADHD mixed with trauma and I believe he is now narcissistic. The inability to see others as separate and just as worthy was already present but the trauma made it malicious.

To the new poster welcome.

I mean this kindly, but to enter into another relationship where it's so clear the other person cannot meet your needs I wonder if you might benefit from exploring some of this in therapy? This man is literally telling you he can only think about himself and he has no desire to (and probably very limited capacity to change). And hey why should he. He was happy with himself before you came along which is lovely. You just cannot make each other happy. You'll spend your life trying to get him to someone else. He'll spend it confused and annoyed at your suggestions to behave in ways he cannot.

I was falling in love with this man, but his attitude towards me when he was ill (and then when I was worried I might have something seriously wrong with my own health) knocked that out of me. After 3 years of no credible interest with online dating, it's this man or nobody.

I'm staying as detached as possible. I have very nearly ended the relationship twice already and I know it doesn't have legs. For now I'm craving the affection he gives me, but obviously it won't last. Until its inevitable demise, I will look after my own interests in this relationship (for him I think it's a "convenienceship") and if he doesn't like it, I'm gone.

I honestly don't see how someone else could be a good fit for him unless they are some kind of non-person. Even another ND would surely struggle if they both only think of themselves?

Get a dog. You don’t have to have a man for affection and companionship.

You are forgetting the whole frog being boiled alive thing. Staying with this man will erode your boundaries and innate sense of acceptable behaviour. It's not worth it. Just pull the plug on the life support machine or thanks to the sunk cost fallacy you'll be tempted to stay and stay and stay.

None of this sounds healthy to me but you're the best judge of where you're at.

Ups and downs here, got rather distracted with DD back to school the last couple of days, or rather NOT back to school as waiting for Specialist 'provision' and currently her Mainstream School being rather unhelpful with indirect threats of fines for non-attendance etc. H being very supportive with that and it means we are now working 'closely' to support DD which blurs things a bit but I am reminding firm that I still want a separation.

I will need to distance myself a bit I think as he is wanting things to remain roughly the same in.some sort of housemate scanario, but without the 'romantic' part, and I think he is wanting me to be his support person still. It's tricky as he is actually being nice (for now) and although I am under no illusions that he will change his behaviour (too late anyway, I want out! plus I don't think he can anyway) it would be helpful to stay amicable for DDs sake. I told him that if we are able to stay friends and amicable we can continue to live as we are for a while (although I have a cut off point in my head for this) and he suggested that although it's painful maybe we do the office up as my room and he can keep the main bedroom as his/office.

It's going to be grasual I think but I am getting occasional pangs of relief that I actually did it in the end, I got the words out and I am not backtracking on that! x

It’s so good to hear things feel OK and amicable and you’re beginning to feel the relief of having. put the wheels in motion, @LittleSwede . I really hope they sort out specialist provision for your DD ASAP. What a lot to deal with.

The danger is that whatever you are feeling is not ok now will, soon enough, become your normal and totally acceptable.
Dont stay because he is giving crumbs. You’re going to accept anything just because he is giving those crumbs.

As someone who, at some point, stayed because I was craving those bits of intimacy and care. I’d recommend finding a good counsellor instead.

Ups and downs here thanks @BustyLaRoux. Been busy at work and catching up at home after the summer hols. Interspersed with DH shouting at me/DD1. Often just for doing/seeing things differently to him 😕😔.

DD2 acts as the peacemaker. I half jokingly tell her she’ll make a good diplomat.

However DH does tend to eventually apologise to me for overreacting (and I apologise for unintentionally upsetting him). Which I think makes a big difference.

Thinking of everyone in this thread and the various challenges we face.