Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 12

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here.

Same here.

It's impossible for a thread to be all things to all people all of the time.

I think sometimes this thread is a place to vent, gain compassion, someone to validate and sympathise, sometimes to problem solve etc. Very rarely do i want an explanation of why or how my ND husband thinks like he does or someone challenging my way of thinking. I have enough of that my my husband and spend so much time every day trying to understand him. I don't want that from here (most of the time). So maybe it's about balance and the ND posters in relationships with ND people can be mindful that it's a partner-centric thread.

@CinnamonTart My dh works away too, has always worked away so very used to being on my own. I have gone from missing him terribly in the early pre-kids years, to desperately wanting him home to give me a hand with small kids, then being so busy, I didn't actually notice him gone. Now, 27 years in, I count down the days until he leaves again. I am dreading the kids leaving home and retirement.
I'm sitting outside enjoying the peace and quiet, not getting that '🤨🙄' feeling when I hear him up and about.

I think what I notice on this thread is that NT posters actually spend the majority of their married lives, their daily lives, acting as support staff to their partners and ND children. Sometimes people’s ability to cheerfully ratchet back their requests, to shrink their expectations, to give up on comfort, is limited.

Yeah but I don’t think this is a NT/ND story alone. My sister in law and brother in law are
both NT. She is the stay at home mum looking after her children and all her partners needs, she does nothing for herself. I suppose perhaps she is happy with this arrangement. She has never worked and relies solely on her partners salary so her needs will always be on the back foot because she couldn’t survive alone.. I think for women we are often just support staff no matter if ND or not. (Sorry to the men) I know women who put their needs first often get frowned upon. I went through major change and started to make my needs important, some people, especially women in my family give me funny looks now and think it’s selfish.

thumb typing means more errors than not. I wont add my bit.

Hullo again, can I offload?

Just back from seeing my brother with my kids. My brother is hard work ( since my H’s diagnosis, I do now wonder if my brother is ND too). My brother is very contrary -whatever you say he will find a way to disagree, very certain he is right. Despite him having no kids, he felt quite open to criticize how I handle things with my kids and told me I had no idea what I was doing.

And it just struck me that there isn’t even any relief when I leave and go ‘home’, as I live in a high stress environment at ‘home’ too.

I just wish there was someone who saw some bloody good in me, who bigged me up and was in my side.

I feel really bloody fed up and unashamedly sorry for myself.

@Rainbow03 i think it’s a different thing when you talk about an NT/NT marriage.
But also staying at home doesn’t equate being unable to stand in your two feet or always putting your needs second.

@MetooOP 🫂🫂

i can relate to the not getting reprieve when you are ‘back home’.
I found not ever getting someone seeing my side, validating my experience extremely hard. It made me question myself, whether I’m actually rational in the way I see things etc….
The one thing that made a huge difference to me is finding a counsellor that believes me.

Hi @MetooOP that sounds really crap! Your DB sounds hard bloody work. Sorry you’re feeling sorry for yourself. You’ve every right to feel that way.

DP has also been away all week and it’s been lovely. Just me and my DC. The house is tidy. The kitchen is clean and organised. I’ve managed to clean the fridge! Impossible when DP is here as he likes to stuff it as full as possible. You can’t move anything or find anything and the door often isn’t shut. But it’s been cleaned and organised and just has food for a few days. Perfect. No Tupperware boxes of rotting this and that….. I’ve cooked lovely healthy food for me and the DC and we’ve sat and eaten together every night. No stinking meat being cooked for breakfast lunch and dinner making everything smell all the time. No chaos and mess and papers all over the kitchen. We can actually sit down at the table. I have flowers on there!! No wondering what he’s annoyed about. No listening to him and his complaining about everything and his negative vibes. He gets back today and the chaos and mess and noise and fridge stuffing and meat cooking will no doubt begin immediately.

Although I do miss him a bit actually. He’s been gone over a week and this is the longest we’ve been apart. A cuddle would be nice. He is a good hugger!

Thanks. That must be brilliant finding a counsellor like that. Do they specialize in Autism? I’ve found speaking to people who don’t understand more painful than helpful.

@BustyLaRoux

Oh my God, I think I would feel like I’d died and home to Heaven if I had a whole week of just me and the kids! Bliss! That must have been wonderful for you!

I’ve posted on occasion, under a different name, but mostly have been lurking. The experiences, challenges, and emotional turmoil and devastation that other partners of AS individuals have posted about is very validating to read. A lifeline for some, I’d bet.

But the purpose of this thread and the benefit the majority derive from are threatened by the ND posters. One isn’t even married to an ND, another responds to anything remotely familiar by turning the discussion back to her ND struggles, many of which aren’t even related to her spouse. There’s also the defensiveness -- it’s not ND! Maybe a personality disorder. NTs do this too.

Not only are they taking up space and redirecting the thread, their posts are triggering to those of us traumatized by relationships with AS individuals. I still remember the blunt “just leave” comment a thread or two back. The complaint that “I stopped hiding my needs and my ex wouldn’t accommodate them.” Many of us were misled into relationships and trapped by AS individuals who hid their true nature. So, it’s incredibly triggering to read a ND speak about unmasking as they’re the victim, or that it’s somehow similar to the devastation an NT feels when they learn their partner had been pretending.

I’m sorry if this offends any of the ND posters, but I’ve lost patience with the self-centeredness/ let me turn the conversation back to myself even if isn’t relevant/ defensiveness about being ND. This is exactly what we deal with in our personal lives and shouldn’t have to tolerate here. Please, find an outlet better suited to you.

Well yes. Head over to a non relationship board and start a I'm ND and I struggle with xyz let's talk. Some of the ND posters as you say aren't even in relationships and here they are.

Today, was a classic for me as we were walking along the road and he freaks out because I released an area of his t-shirt from under a backpack strap where it was twisted and it took 1 second and he suddenly bit my head off and asked me not to touch him when he's talking because it freaks him out.

Suddenly a nice day has turned into this. He says it is disconcerting for him.

I say it's disconcerting for me to be sniped at for something i dont even know is an issue. I find it hard to be sniped at for something I don't even know about as he seems to change the goal posts all the time about what triggers his AS.

See that's the difficulty with being with a ND person.

It's all very well for the ND person to go on ad nauseum about how people don't understand you and how you feel. But do you worry about how you're making your partner feel when you freak out about them doing something completely harmless and take their head off for it?

You don't need to take every single point. You dont need to take a point about how something offends your ND sensibilities every single time it happens.

You are allowed to consider your partners feelings on occasion and not take them to task for everything and make it about yourself and your comfort.

Bravo!

These threads go in cycles (a bit like my marriage!) But the key thing is: they are support threads for those of us with ASD partners. It can be a hard and lonely place to be.

@StillNotOverIt820 @HowIrresponsible I really hear what you're saying

@SpecialMangeTout thanks for remembering me x Things are up and down here. I'm facing a difficult situation at the minute. DH is extremely caring in a practical way without showing a speck of actual empathy at an emotional level. No hug, no pep talk, no tenderness, no sign that he actually understands.

I've seen the best and worst of him this summer but more of the best. That's why it's hard isn't it? We live in hope of a change that never quite comes.

At this point I want to thank @Daftasabroom for the very measured, thoughtful introduction to the thread:
"For those of us who want to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times."

The last few exchanges show that it certainly is emotional. It is up to all of us I suppose, to make it supportive and safe. I hope the little I have posted has facilitated that, and I'm sorry if it has not.

"Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner."

That looks good advice. I have tended to go from the particular to the general, believing that it is helpful. But...

"It's complicated and it's emotional."

It certainly is, and I will apply more caution.

Christ alive @BustyLaRoux have you left this unimaginably narcissistic bastard yet?

He may well have autism but he 100% is an abusive, narcissistic, cruel shithead. Please do not dream of wasting your one wild and precious life with this unspeakable turd.

I'm rarely shocked by these threads anymore but holy fucking Christ. Consider me astonished.

I'm editing this to add - don't ever let this thread in any way 'normalise' or explain such totally disgusting behaviour. And sorry if this is offensive I haven't read the full thread yet I was just genuinely stunned by this post.

@BustyLaRoux I just looked back at the last page where I saw you were feeling attacked when people told you to leave and I apologise if I added to that.

Let me just add one thing. Some of us have been on these threads a while thinking about leaving and then finding reasons to stay. What happens with frightening frequency- eventually our health fails catastrophically. And then we're trapped. All our slow burner plans come to nothing.

So sincerely and without attacking you - get out if you can while you can. And if you choose to stay understand that some day you might not be able to leave. It gives me no pleasure saying that.

I wish someone had told me that when I first joined these threads and before. Of course I probably wouldn't have believed them. Look at me now. FML.

I can't say that this post doesn't upset me, but it's clear I'm no longer welcome here. Hope you and others find the support you are looking for. For those who engaged with me previously, thank you - I appreciated it. x

You mentioned in a previous post that your wife is NT, so how does the very first line you’ve quoted from the introduction apply to you?

This lack of self-awareness, this focus only on parts that are of interest/ use to you, is what we deal with in our relationships with our ND partners.

Some of this is from the very first thread in 2018. If I recall correctly some are the ideas of a PP going by picklemepopcorn. I'm remembering what happened at the end of that thread and how upsetting it was seeing so many posters with ND partners pushed out.

If you have a ND partner and are in need of support, this space was always and still is for you.

My wife (now separated) is alcoholic and has a personality disorder. She is not ASD, that would be me.
I recognise familiar experiences in the tales shared on this thread. I too can write long messages about permanent crisis.

Regarding "focus on parts that are of interest and use to you", it is also, simply, a product of the little we all know here about each other. I read a message about a hard time, and offer thoughts, and inevitably those thoughts are the product of the little I know. Sometimes they'll miss the point, they'll be blunt, unempathetic, ignorant. As context get filled in it hopefully brkngs something in the end.

Then you belong on alcohol support threads and mental health threads on here of which there are many.

This isn't relevant- alcoholic crisis isn't the same as dealing with the daily life of a ND person.

But you chose this thread ...

Thanks for coming back and saying what you e said. Actually people have said before I should leave and I’ve chosen not to but felt foolish because it was so obvious I should. This time that incident on the boat was so awful (and in fact I think it was the fact he thought he was owed an apology from me which really put the nail in the coffin for me) I decided I did need to plan my exit. I came back after holiday and started looking seriously into renting somewhere myself. Religiously checking estate agents for new rentals determined to be the first to view. I quickly realised I simply can’t afford it. I don’t earn a bad salary but it’s not enough. I live in one of the most expensive cities for rentals and things seem to have jumped up by about £300 a month since I started looking before the Summer. I am also owed a lot of money by him and if I move out I won’t see that back. I need a better plan.

I have a plan. It’s a longer term one. And in the meantime I decided I didn’t even like him anymore. I couldn’t see any good in him after that incident. I wasn’t even that sad about ending it. I moved into the spare room and barely spoke other than being cordial. I went out most evenings and stayed over at people’s houses if I could. I felt strong but also really depressed. I’m generally a positive person. I look for the good. And I realise that this is what I’ve been doing for the last 3 years. Knowing in my heart that this isn’t right but looking for and focusing on what is good. Trying to deepen my understanding of this condition, starting therapy, trying to emotionally detach when he is being awful but to cling on to what is good to make the best of it. And I was relatively successful until that day on the boat. But all of a sudden I had nothing good to focus on, only how much I disliked him, how terrible he is, how much I wanted to leave. And it really depressed me. To walk around day after day hating my situation and not being able to immediately change it. To see no positives whatsoever. And then to realise I was stuck here for the foreseeable. Well, it was a very dark couple of weeks.

I resolved to look for the positives again and to make the best of what it is now. I cannot live walking around without anything positive to keep me going. He can be very affectionate and loving. We have a good physical relationship. We do make each other laugh. It isn’t all awful. And so I have resolved to execute my longer term plan for living apart but to stay positive in the meantime. To get the best out of him. To enjoy life here and now as much as I can. And to bide my time until I have a few options. I know things are not right. I know he is an unspeakable turd. But focusing on that only made me depressed. He went away for a week but is back now. It was good to have some space and get the house organised and tidy. I did miss him and it’s been nice having him back. I will stay positive. I have to. But I absolutely hear what you’re saying about health suffering from the stress of staying long term. I don’t want that to be me.

And again. Hurt and theatrics when something isn't about them. So common in daily life.