Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 12

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here.

I don’t read this as theatrics myself. More a diplomatic bowing out.

I do understand that this is a safe space for those of us struggling with ND partners. I am very very grateful for it! I have also posted about my Autistic father as I seem to have chosen a man who is very like him. And his behaviour has had a profound effect on me. It’s not a partner relationship but his inability to love like a proper dad has made me feel very angry and alone and is probably the reason I have chosen such shitty partners! I think many of us recognise ND parents and understand this has likely affected the choices we made and the normalisation of behaviours which are far from OK.

But yeah I don’t need someone to tell me how hard it is for them to mask. I forget who that was now. Or that my DP is just a shit and his behaviours aren’t linked to ASD. I am 100% confident that his behaviours are linked to ASD but also that he is a shit because those two things can go together!

I have really appreciated the advice, the hand holding, the space to vent, the validation on here. I have done counselling with my DP and I am well aware of how he thinks and how hard he thinks I make life for him. I need a space for me.

I disagree- this has upset me.

I'm not welcome here.

Very theatrical.

I chose this thread because I recognised, in the difficulties described here, difficulties that I have had with my daughters, my father, my sister, all ASD. ASD adds a layer to what our families are living through that I recognise and empathise with straightaway.

But I know that I started this particular subthread by presenting my experience as the ND who tries to empathise / look for ways out. This invited other similar comments and it went downhill fast, so I agree that my postings have not helped make the thread supportive and safe and I'm sorry I started this.

The clue is in the name: Married to someone with

Asperger's/ASD/ND:

But I know that I started this particular subthread by presenting my experience as the ND who tries to empathise / look for ways out

NT partners don't need to be schooled by yet another ND person on how to handle them.

Yes we're pretty much the fucking experts at this point.

Too often when previous threads were derailed by the intersection of autism and narcissism we were basically told: self-sacrifice and negate your own needs. Lots of us here have ADHD, we seem fatally attracted to ASD partners, probably valuing what initially seemed like calm emotional stability.

Then the mask came off (for some literally on the day the ring went on) and we realised that the emotional 'stability' was more like the absence of emotion or the inability to express it in conventional ways. Then we were gaslit into thinking our own emotional distress was us being dramatic. We became 'the crazy wife' married to Mr Perfect.

This thread exists to support people in longterm relationships with ASD partners. It can be a really fucking hard place to be, not least because many of us love and value our partners. It doesn't change the fact they can be very hard to be married to especially longer term. Give us this one space to talk to people who understand the mishmash of emotions.

My DD was diagnosed with ASD a few years ago and I'm pretty sure DH is too. It is really really hard being married to him. He lacks empathy and it is like living with a brother rather than a husband. His special interest is work and he is on a loop all the time talking about it

Hi Folks, the thread seems to be getting a little fractious again. Personally I welcome all posters who do so in good faith. I would like to remind people that the focus is on our relationships, principally as individuals and those within the thread.

@HowIrresponsible you've made a good few disparaging comments but offered no insight into your own real life experiences. I don't think any of us want this valuable place to degenerate back to a place of such hostility.

To quote myself:

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

I'm out. The NDs can have another dafe space to slag off their partners then.

It seems we're all unimportant in the face of such a special ND person.

Thanks for singling me out and no one else.

That's just nasty

Stick your thread.

I recognise the pain and rage you are feeling. I see you.

But I know that I started this particular subthread by presenting my experience as the ND who tries to empathise / look for ways out

Look, I didn't comment to the original posts on all this (which I think were from you, sorry if they were not) partly because I found it really upsetting and triggering. And here is why. That post said that ND people show their love in practical ways, with an implication that we should appreciate this. But here's the thing. Relationships are about relating. That means being able to take on board what the other person says to you. My H's only apparent way of dealing with ruptures is to keep on doing the stuff he is already good at (making a nice meal). ( This may not even be a strategy - he may just be habitually doing it anyway rather than there being any intent behind it). I have told him over and over that the cannot fix our relationship by doing more of the stuff he is already good at. He has to address some of the things I have told him are problematic in the relationship. But he never does. He just keeps on making the meals. And it is now at the point that the making of the meals enrages me as it is just another reminder of how I am completely ignored, how I am completely invisible to him. Nothing I say will ever penetrate enough for him to understand me and move towards me. You can't just do what you think the other person should be happy with in a relationship, and demand they be happy with that. You have to actually do some of the things they need from you to be happy in the relationship. That is how relationships work.

Has anyone ever gone to the Meetup support groups? I think not being on a public forum might make them a bit more of a ‘safe space’ where people won’t drop in all the time to correct our feelings and perceptions.

The only one I know is the Meetup site, but that is a public site and I imagine you'd get quite a backlash for even setting up the group?

Some of us want to vent and be seen or heard. To have a break from neurodiversity and lectures.

Some of us want to try to improve our relationships, possibly by understanding why our partners do what they do. And are receptive to ND explanations.

Some want a bit of both.

There's a potential clash between what those just in either the first or second group want to get out of these threads.

Not sure how we solve this....

There's at least one group on there for people with ASD partners; I used to be on the mailing list although unfortunately I never made it to a meetup. I think they had monthly meetups around the UK. Not aware of any backlash as you chat in person not on-line.

Its one thing to respond to a specific request for information and help with understanding.

its another to just plonk your unasked for 'wisdom and insight' into a thread.

Its the same in the Weightloss threads. Someone posts asking for advice - all fine. A thin person starts a 'helpful' thread explaining how they keep the weight off and all hell breaks loose. Its not well received. Not matter how well intentioned they might have been.

So maybe that is the solution. If someone is asking for advice and understanding then by all means offer it. But when unsolicited, don't tell people what they should be appreciating in their partners.

This is the meetup group I was thinking of

www.meetup.com/Different-Together-Support-Group-for-NT-partners/

Hidden disabilities can be an absolute bitch for all involved, but it’s a disability none the less and has a much greater impact then I feel initially all those involve realise. It can be relationally extremely disabling. It’s important to learn what you are dealing with and what better place then from those dealing with it. The only thing that upsets me is when some posters are so fed up they start to talk inhumane about their partners. Im sure it wouldn’t be worded in such ways about physically disabled people.

I do think most of us are receptive to understandings of ND thinking. It’s what we spend most of our lives and mental energy doing, for our partners and children and other family members - and often ourselves, as well!

But it becomes really emotionally harrowing being told again and again by someone who doesn’t know our partners that we have totally misunderstood, and we must simply have married an arsehole because autistic people aren’t like that. (With little recognition that autistic people, just like allistic people, just like any people of any neurological makeup, are different from one another, and have different ‘presentations’ and different skill profiles. That because one autistic poster doesn’t struggle in particular areas doesn’t mean that literally NO autistic people do or should, or that struggles in those areas cannot be attributable to autism because not all autistic people share those struggles.)

And I do find this a bit triggering, particularly as my DH is extremely critical of behaviour in others that he vehemently denies in himself. Other men are lazy disrespectful inconsiderate selfish twats for doing the very same things he does ALL THE TIME but denies he does (because he is a Good Person with Good Intentions and thus everything he ever does is good and if I don’t like anything he does, it is because I am experiencing it incorrectly, and need correcting).

And many of us are fed up to the back teeth (from getting this all the bloody time at home) of being told that our partners’ experience and interpretation of the world is the only thing that matters, and we are mean and nasty and intolerant and exclusionary if we quietly don’t fall into our role servicing their comfort.

All of what @Bunnyhair says and especially this, And many of us are fed up to the back teeth (from getting this all the bloody time at home) of being told that our partners’ experience and interpretation of the world is the only thing that matters, and we are mean and nasty

Im sure it wouldn’t be worded in such ways about physically disabled people.

I'm afraid it is, and I'm afraid that physically disabled people get treated absolutely appallingly at times. Specially non-verbal people. The existence that some have to endure is horrendous.

Really, that’s bloody awful.

No I actually saw her through the ME clinic! So autism is absolutely not her area (but long term illnesses, cancer etc… are)
But unlike most other counsellors, she simply never questioned my reality. She is ace
(and she is also working privately so I’m hoping to be able to continue seeing her like that)

Actually it sure is worded in such a way for physically disabled people .

Just read threads started by people who are disabled. And listen.
Ive been told

• my dh is amazing because he is my carer which means caring fir someone difficult to live with. Just because I’m disabled (yes apparently anyone who is disabled or chronically ill is hard work and hard to live with)
• that I dont appreciate his efforts and that im lucky he is sticking with me
• that DH can’t possibly be hard to live with because … yep I’m disabled and I’m not doing my stare (which often seems to be doing everything like a nice little woman)
• that I’m an awful person because … yep I’m disabled

And that Wo going into all the assumptions of lying, being lazy etc etc…..

So yes I can confirm the same happens to physically disabled people.

Yes, yes and yes!

Oh I have M.E also and I get treated appallingly by many people. It’s all so hard and complicated and I wish we were all well and everyone was just happy. It’s hard navigating life, knowing who to avoid and who to keep in your life, what we deserve and who’s rules we live by. Some people seem to have lovely easy relationships, I don’t know what the trick is, luck, genetics, childhood???? All of my problems and my bad health have stemmed from bad relationships (I do blame that on my upbringing).