Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 12

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here.

@PollyTwoBlankets honestly that is one of the worst things I’ve ever read on MN. What despicable behaviour your DH shows. That level of petty, malicious efforts to undermine your quiet joy - that is beyond belief.

I know we’ve had a lot of discussions before about respecting each others’ decisions not to leave, but I just want to check - are you sure this hasn’t just crept up on you over time? This just stands out as being so over the line in every way. You do not owe him anything! Splitting, selling up and moving to a small flat would be so much more peaceful than having to put up with this.

@PollyTwoBlankets Agree with other posters - it's abusive and it's unacceptable.
A story. I'm an autistic man but cope with most things. I can be a bad communicator (freezing when I don't know what to do, mainly) but certainly not that! But it was bad enough that I married the wrong person. My daughters grew up trapped between an alcoholic, abusive, suicide-threatening mother and I.

I ended this only a year ago, when I saw how to do this while making sure everyone would have a roof over their head. I so, so wish I had done it before. My two DDs, autistic too, are developing in ways I wasn't hoping anymore. I'm sure I would eventually have lost them, and they would have suffered terribly, if I hadn't done this.

Look for ways out of this. I know you think there is a degree of peace and stability but every day to put a foot in front of the other we have to lift one foot, and risk getting off balance and falling. Speak to citizens' advice. Speak to doctors. Speak with your children. This is not on, it's harming them, and there are ways to support someone enough that he'll live if you separate. No, you don't have to live with a 60 year old who stays in bed and pisses on the floor when he feels put out by being told not to spoil a film. Your son would watch more classic films with you if his dad didn't act like that, and from there he'd live more. Protect your kids. Your DH has lived as much as he has chosen to, but he has far overstepped any mark. There are mums on this site who would have cut him off long ago, and in your case, I really feel they are an example to think of.

I'm sorry if I've upset anyone - I don't want any of you to feel bad for me. I pootle along with my friends and hobbies and dogs and kids (I was unwell and had to take early retirement, so I have a little pension) and honestly DH is usually a long way down the list of things I'm bothered about. He's not too bad day to day, irritating but not like yesterday!

I wanted to leave when the kids were small but I couldn't get out as I had no support, not enough money, nowhere to go (and no Mumsnet!) I've become very self sufficient and I don't need anything romantically so I'm fine.

DH is more like a difficult extra child, and having raised four autistic DC, it's second nature to just take it all in my stride.

Im so grateful for all the support you've given me

I know I should get out but honestly, I have four adult kids, grandchildren, a lovely (mostly happy) home. No one is scared to tell him what they think of his behaviour and he's been thoroughly dressed down by everyone today. Even the oldest who is married and lives away heard from her brother and rang to tell him how disgusted she was.

He's sulking but offering a takeaway to make it right (no apology, obviously )

Of course, I'll have to sort it out as he can't use an app or a credit card or make an order (along with a million more things he is too scared to do..) I think he's very disabled and I can't think how he'd be if he lived alone.

I might not have wifely love for him but I've known him since I was at school, and we grew up together (one of us grew up more than the other, unfortunately ) and I feel responsible for him.

That story was horrendous to read. It is horrifying what he is putting ds through.

He will not respond to kindness, logic, or shame so nothing is left but force majeure.

Next time he pisses on the bathroom he must be penalized. Frankly: I would shit on his pillow right before bed. Or if you really want to be subtle I would piss on the foot of his bed so when he gets in and gets nice snd comfy he only slowly realizes what has happened.

I would also charge him money for his bad behavior. Don’t negotiate it just tell him. 20 lbs every time you have to clean up after him. 20 pounds if he makes ds cry. Don’t argue anout whether he did something or not. He is a liar. Just charge him.

@PollyTwoBlankets tbh, that behaviour doesn’t look like autism to me.

It was revenge pure and simple, done in full knowledge it would hurt you and your dc. HIS dc!!

Its not ok.
Its not ok even if autism is at play, if he has PDA, trauma from when he was a child.

It was a really shit behaviour.
🫂🫂

Next time he should clean the bloody bathroom @pikkumyy77
Doesn't matter it’s not him. Someone has to do it. Might as well be him.
As there is certainly no reason that @PollyTwoBlankets has to do it.

@PollyTwoBlankets tbh it feels like you’re so used to put everyone before you (and with good reasons with your dcs) that you dint even see abuse because it feels so normal to you.
So I just want to point out, it is not normal.

That's hilarious! Forgive me if I don't go down that route though

Does he receive support as a disabled man?
Do you, as his carer?
Because if you want to call it disability (and to this degree, I'm sorry but: it's just shit behaviour) then there should be help. There is some help.

There would be enough to pay for cleaning, to begin with.

I am sorry but I am feeling a bit 'got at' here. The reason I was so upset is that he's never done this before. I feel like I'm having to explain and justify when I just wanted a vent and a bit of sympathy from people who I thought would understand a bit.

I can and do tell myself I'm an idiot and a crap mother, I don't need any help with that. I'll just bottle it all up from now on.

Apologies Polly, if I’ve hurt you, that was definitely not my intention 💐

I completely and utterly understand! It isn’t for any of us to tell you you MUST leave or to urge you to think about leaving. It is your decision. My DP can also be abusive and I have vented on here just in need of people to hold my hand and say gosh that’s awful, we understand. It can be really difficult when people start telling you you should leave and the damage that’s being done to your kids etc. It has made me feel so much worse (although I know that’s not people’s intention and I know it is meant kindly). It makes me feel ashamed and stupid and a bad parent. I can’t leave right now. I want to. But I need to wait it out a bit and in the meantime I will do my best to find my independence and joy in other people and other things and to make the best of what I can at home. That’s why I commend you for making your peace with things. It is what it is and you sound very stoical about it. We must all do what we have to get by. Yes what you described was pretty bad. But you already knew that. On the plus side your children sound great!. Keep doing what you’re doing and please don’t ever be afraid to vent on here without fear of judgement. If staying is best for you then so be it xx

oops. Blame it on my autism.
I know little about your life. (if I take the time to read more carefully, you've explained some). You say you have your way of making it work, so why am I trying to fix it.
Over and out, I hope you have few moments like these.

Sorry you're having a hard time @PollyTwoBlankets there are many of us on this thread who've stayed when it is less than ideal (quite the understatement but bit sure how to phrase it) as there is no option but to do so. When people say to leave it's meant kindly as sometimes it's hard to see just how bad things have gotten. Really we all know how hard this is and that it's not straightforward at all.

@PollyTwoBlankets, this is not a LTB thread. The majority of posters here, myself included, know we should LTB, but, like you, life has gotten in the way of those options.
We can all sympathise with one another, vent when needed, and sometimes be so upset with a story like yours that the immediate reaction is to shout "What the fluck Polly, LTB"
This thread has been my lifeline, let it be one of yours. Your kids sound amazing BTW.💐

@LittleSwede its a real eye opener when you know someone else sees it. You feel it even more. Your DM sounds amazing. So supportive and kind. Get through the next 8 days. Enjoy your home country and your family. Put your feelings about him to the side and try not to let him spoil it for you. In your head make your plan. Good luck. Rooting for you!

Thank you, I'm going to try and make the best of it and once DD feels better from her cold we can get out and about and enjoy the sights a bit. Stuffing myself with all my favourite scandi foods too! I said to my mum last night that I am no longer so scared about what the future will hold as a single parent and that it will and must work out somehow. Am lining up scenarios for different plans for the future in my head so will put one in action once we are back.

(Still crushing on my dentist a bit which is a welcome distraction and I'm fully aware that nothing will come of it as it's all completely unrealistic and just a pleasant daydream thing!)

@LittleSwede i daydream about having my own little house for me and the kids away from him and his. Daydreaming is a good mental escape!! All of the difficult stuff will pass. Freedom awaits!

@BustyLaRoux similarly I dream of a little cozy house for me and DD, maybe with a cat too! Any man (dentist) is respectful of me needing my own space and is contented with some together apart scenario and is of course patient, kind and caring to DD too 😊

Oh yes a cat! 🐱 🥰

I’m not allowed one as I won’t let him get a dog. When we got together I told him how much I dislike dogs. I’ve got a real thing. I really don’t like them. I don’t even like visiting houses where the people own a dog. I made it very clear from the outset. He agreed! Said he hated dogs. He’s now decided he wants a dog and whips up the kids to try and bully me into getting a dog when he knows how much I don’t like them. I feel a bit sick at the thought of sharing my house with a dog. But he calls me selfish in front of the kids and tells them we could get a dog if I wasn’t so selfish. I remind him that I’ve always been upfront about my feelings about dogs and it is him that’s done a complete change of heart. He just shrugs and says so what he’s allowed to change his mind. And that I’m selfish for not letting the kids get a dog as they all want one. When I suggest getting a cat (which they would also love) he says no, why should he let a cat in the house and let me “get my own way” when I’m the selfish one! To be clear he likes cats! He just won’t have one because he knows I love them.

Wanker.

So yes please, a lovely little house with a cat for me and my children. And a respectful man (possibly a dentist! My one is a fair bit younger than me but quite attractive actually!! 😂) who I can live together apart from and have my own space and a fridge which isn’t overflowing with rotten food and milk….. aaahhhh what a lovely thought. Wish I hadn’t settled in such an expensive part of the country. Then I could probably do it……

Maybe two cats!!! 🐈‍⬛ 🐈 🥰

Rereading this morning, when I'm not feeling so sorry for myself, I can see all the advice was kindly meant, so thank you all for taking the time

I'm a bit raw because I know it would be more ideal to leave but that ship has sailed.

I do appreciate you all

I dream of a little cottage with dogs AND cats!