Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 12

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here.

It’s actually my username! I might add ‘with a cat’

Don't forget the dentist 😂😂
Maybe I should start a new carreer

🦷 😆

I feel really low today and you’re all making me smile. Thank you ☺️

Just hugs all round to everyone (… or whatever is comforting to you if you hate hugs..). So many of us on here are all dealing with so much.
I really appreciate the understanding and solidarity of this thread as well.

Lots of nice little houses by the sea with lots of cats. We could all chat and laugh on the beach together!

With lovely hanging baskets and painted front doors….. now I am smiling for real ☺️

I’d like a bright turquoise door 🩵

The sea looks a bit scruffy right now, I think tomorrow morning may be better.

I'm not autistic but I have multiple speech disorders and various additional language issues that I believe are symptoms of my ADHD (I reckon a lot of autistic people have undiagnosed speech disorders too). This is despite the fact that I'm a professional linguist and won prizes in languages at school. I find it excruciatingly stressful interacting with people who don't have a high-question communication style. As in trauma-inducing levels of stress and I actually have full blown trauma from a friend repeatedly forcing me to talk on the phone with her when she didn't have anything much to ask. I can mask well but it's unbearable. I'm guessing your DH has something similar and has possibly learnt that engaging in this way is just so excruciatingly stressful to the point of not feeling safe. Would you be able to incorporate more questions rather than just telling him stuff? I do appreciate that it must feel like a one way street but for me the difference between someone with a high vs a low question communication style is being able to talk to them for hours every day and enjoying it and being unable to talk to them more than once ever 3 or 4 months and spending weeks having to psych myself up into going through with it (either way I always ask the other person a lot as I'm genuinely interested though).

Incidentally, there's a language disorder that's highly comorbid with ADHD and Autism which has the symptom of struggling to communicate unless the other person can break down a topic with questions. It's called Developmental Language Disorder I think. Even if he doesn't have it, it's possible he might have symptoms of it without having the full blown disorder. Also, questions trigger dopamine release which helps ND brains engage - they break down what might
otherwise feel overwhelming and focus the mind on what input is needed from the person being asked.

https://psychcentral.com/disorders/all-about-expressive-language-disorder-symptoms

Just wondering if I can check in here. I have a fairly new partner and I’m wondering if he has asd. We get on really well all is good. He is very routine and structured in his life. He also likes to spend quite a lot of time alone. For instance yesterday he couldn’t see me as he was doing errands. But my life is quite busy compared to his. So it may be a week before I can see him again. This doesn’t concern him at all. I feel like I’m being very patient. I’m just wondering what your early dating experiences were like. We generally see each other 1/2 times a week. I’m also a parent of a daughter with asd.

Hi@kikimiki thanks for posting. Your communication style sounds like my DH also. Is there anything written online you could link to about ‘high question’ communication style? (I did have a Google but it came up with ‘5 styles’ which seemed broader than you’re saying).

If you felt comfortable could you say something more about your experience of low questioning (if it’s not upsetting). As ever I continue to learn so much from this thread and I wanted to build more of a mental model and understanding.

That sounds a little bit like me, small talk I find quite confusing and pointless really and gives me stress because I don’t really understand it. I never really thought perhaps I have a different communication style I thought I was just a bit odd really. I find starting relationships quite difficult because small talk is really important and it’s so stressful.

Yes, my DH really wants to have friends and actually does have a couple of cool friends but when he’s out with them he doesn’t necessarily enjoy himself. He often complains that people don’t ask him questions. I wondered if this ‘high vs low’ questioning style might explain some of his inner conflict.

I’m not a massive small talk fan, but I’m able to see that small talk is a necessary hurdle to get to know people and have a deeper friendship. DH is unable to undertake the work of maintaining a friendship ie contacting them, showing up at their birthday even though new people will be there etc. Autism has given him a good new lens to understand this.

All his close friends are now also diagnosed with ADHD interestingly (maybe they ask more questions in general? Though I understand it’s probably wrong to generalise).

I don’t know if anyone else feels like this. They don’t really have the skills to small talk and fit in but they desperately want to be accepted and loved no less then those who don’t find it difficult? I often feel so rejected because of this problem?

@Rainbow03 @kikimiki I have ADHD and dyslexia . I think in 3D pictures/animation, I often have to say things out loud to be able to hear what I'm trying to say, it might take me a few attempts to be able to say what I want.

First of all, before investigating complicated options, can you do something about simple ones? Do the errands matter... Could he be doing something important that he can't explain to you yet - a surprise for you, something to do with his family that would be very long to explain, something medical that he'd rather not tell you, etc.?

That being out of the way, let's look into your question.

What does he thinks on the subject of his autism? I think the best person to work this out will be himself - maybe with you.
Some possibilities here:

• He could be autistic, and have tried to not tell you, or not dared tell you yet, hoping to mask for a bit longer.
• He could be autistic, but not know, have little information on that, and discover the possibility with you
• He could be autistic and in complete denial about it, and completely refuse to address the subject.
• His routine could have psychological reasons that have nothing to do with autism (OCD?)
• He could have valid reasons for the "errands" even though it's frustrating just now (see intro!)
• He could be used to his little life so much it didn't occur to him to make room for you then, Saturday has been his shopping day for 5 years or something

Focusing on the first 3 bullets, above, you can see which way the conversation could go. A warning, the discovery for an adult that they are autistic, and the epiphanies that come with it revisiting your experiences can be an emotional time. If he doesn't know and finds out with you be prepared for a roller-coaster ride through his emotions, past lives, long-lost friends and discoveries of who were truly the friends. You need patience, handkerchiefs, a long bargepole on occasion and maybe a dog to have an excuse to get outtathere. Oh and you both need decent counselling if you can find it!

To have the conversation, you could start as you have here. With your daughter, and that some of what he does reminds you of her.

Hope the best.

This is fascinating! Thank you so much for posting it!

Yep no issue at all!!

My relationship started as a LD relationship so quite a different situation.
But I was his ‘special interest’ in some ways so we were seeing each other quite a bit and I was coming first before his other special interest.

But I’m going to say that you need to look at what are your needs there. Being patient is nice but it shouldn’t be your default position iyswim.

So it depends on what’s I portant for you. Is him being available regularly important for you?
How do you feel when he prioritises his outings to seeing you?

It might be that you’re simply not compatible (or that’s how it reads to me).

As to whether he is on the spectrum or not, I’d say it shouldn’t be part of your decision process. You shouldn’t give up on your own need just to be able to fit around him. Or you’ll find yourself on this thread after a few desperately trying to meet his needs whilst yours are neglected.

Need to vent.

Sprained my ankle yesterday and on crutches. H needs to step up to help out. Which is, of course, beyond him. He is now completely overwhelmed and disregulated. I reminded him that a load of washing has to go on and the dry washing taken off the hanger. He got really agitated and angry and shouted at me to create an excel spreadsheet for him. So I have had to write a timed list of things to do. Which he will probably ignore. And then say he didn't have time to do them. Even though I have timed them out showing that there is time to do them.

He has been a parent for 11 years and he cannot even organise himself to remember to get the kids to brush their teeth ( he remembers his own though..). This is a regular thing he forgets when he is getting them ready.

Its really bloody upsetting to have as your 'partner' someone who cannot partner without bloody written instructions of simple daily tasks that they should be aware of themselves. To be married to someone who, despite the clear physical reminder of washing hanging dry on the clothes horse, cannot think for themselves that the washing needs put away and the new load put on. And who gets angry and agitated at this apparently overwhelming demand of taking responsibility of daily household tasks.

I'm really fed up. Its horrible living in this constant zone of chaos and conflict and just bloody unreasonableness.

I’m so sorry to hear this, @MetooOP . I hope you recover swiftly. It’s these occasions when we are incapacitated that really bring us into contact with how deeply unequal and unfair and dehumanising our situation is.

Any time I can’t do everything (seamlessly and unobtrusively) for everyone - never mind needing any help or support myself - it sends my DH into total cognitive overwhelm —> emotional meltdown —- > retributive ‘equalising’ PDA behaviours. Same with my DC. Any time I am ill or in pain it feels like I need to make it up to everyone, or be punished.

I also really resonate with @PollyTwoBlankets aboit the complexity and severity of cognitive disability in someone who can seem to the outside world (when they’re able to venture into it) ‘capable’. My DH also genuinely cannot use banking apps or work out how to book or buy things online - despite working in tech. He can understand things on a system / theory / first principles level and just cannot do day-to-day everyday life tasks learning at all. Nobody else understands and thinks I am just making excuses for him.

I'm so sorry @MetooOP that totally sucks.

A hard relate from me as well, my DH has no concept of being able to say "I've got this" and let me be "off duty" when sick etc. Everything becomes a big drama and backs up so I have to do it all when I'm better, or the kids are let down/not fed/ etc

And also I think it's just partly weaponised incompetence as well, as he knows it will all be ok really. I'm autistic as well and I just have to get on with things when he is sick/away etc so I don't think we can just say that autistic people are rubbish partners. Like you say, how hard is it to know children need fed at a meal time, and that people need clean clothes etc. Especially when you have the luxury of someone else doing all that for you 99% of the time.

Oh dear. I’m so sorry for all of you struggling with DPs who cannot manage simple tasks without being overwhelmed. That must be enormously frustrating and make you feel like you can never have a day off or be poorly. That totally sucks. I am lucky insofar as my DP isn’t like this. He struggles at getting round the urgent life admin tasks and puts them off and becomes overwhelmed as his own procrastination but in terms of being an on duty dad or running round if I am sick, he is very good and doesn’t need a spreadsheet. I consider myself fortunate in that respect. However I completely relate to the getting angry as the standard emotional
response to most things. A double whammy for those of you not only coping with the weaponised incompetence but then anger heaped on top. Completely unfair.

I will check my lottery numbers now and see if our luck is in!! Xx

Sadly no winning numbers this week…..

I'm pissed off with him so have bought a ticket for tonight. I can directly track my daily and weekly distress levels through spend on tickets. 🙄