He still hasn't proposed - I really need some help

[Elliegeez]

The bottom line is that we've been together 13 years and he has still not proposed.

We talked about it in the early days, we both said we wanted to be married one day.

I wanted it to be a surprise so I never wanted to talk about it, I just assumed he would do it.

Then time marched on...

I imagined that he was planning to do it on this holiday, or that trip, or that Christmas.

Then it had been so long that it seemed hard to start the conversation. The longer I leave it, the harder it is. I just don't know how to start the conversation.

I'm sure that we want to be together forever and that we were just meant to be but now I'm starting to feel so angry and upset that I think it's affecting our relationship.

I've tried hints like looking at rings, showing him rings. I even said over a year ago that I wanted to be married by the time I was 40 he said "you better move quick then" and I said "no you better move quick". Then I waited....then I turned 40.

I know he doesn't know how much it's upsetting me and I know I need to talk about it, I just don't know how.

What should I say first? What situation? I've tried just getting drunk, hoping it would fall out, but that didn't work either.

Anytime we watch anything with a wedding or a proposal I just feel so sad.

Please help me.

Very true. Over the years, I have known a number of (unmarried) couples who have been together 10+ years. And if there is just one of them that wants to get married, it's always HER. Never known a couple where the man wants to get married and the woman doesn't. (Unless she has been married before!)

Anyway, as for all these couples I have known, who have been together 10+ years and never married, when the relationship ends, within 2 years he's married to someone else - with a baby on the way! (Probably in 4 out of 5 instances!)

No. Not worth a try. It's cringeworthy and naff, and will make the OP look sad and desperate. 'Oh guess what?! I had a dream last night that you asked me to marry you. Oh ha ha, isn't that just soooo totes hilaire. 😄?'

You really think the OP saying this - is going to encourage her partner to ask her marry him all of a sudden? He's more likely to say 'er oookaaaaay' with this look on his face >>> 😐One thing's for sure, he won't ask her to marry him!

At worst, he definitely doesn’t want to marry you

At best, he’s reluctant and doesn’t actually give the slightest of shits that you want it.

Imagine when the priest /registrar asks him “Do you take this woman to be your lawful, wedded wife”.

He looks at you, sighs, and says “Ah, fuck it, go on then”. That’s what his attitude to marrying you.

Nobody realistically expects a movie style proposal, where a restaurant goes quiet just as he pops the question, everybody cheers when she says yes, and their meal and champagne are suddenly on the house. But even a bloke who misplans to the point where they end up in a rainy pub carpark and he accidentally kneels on a dogshit, having forgotten the ring is making a ton more effort than your partner can br arsed with.

No, I’m not saying you just can have one or another. The bit you just quoted was in a broader context where i tried to say that lack of proposal does not automatically means lack of care and love; as a proposal and wedding does not automatically means love and care. Most of people here seem to suggest the first is a fact.

There is a big room for affection between washing the dishes (using your example) and the intense bed of roses type of guy. A man is not necessarily cold or ‘emotionally constipated’ if he doesn’t buy flowers, cards or…propose down on his knee. But if that is type of things that is important for the woman then I absolutely agree they should ask for it (and I suggested the OP to raise it with her partner).

It was actually my wife who proposed to me. But we were only about a year into our relationship, and she knew I wanted very much to marry her. I did try to set up a proposal moment with a ring soon afterwards, which was cringeworthy but fun.

No way would she have settled for wanting marriage but a decade of half-arsed fobbing off.

This agonising is driving you insane. You need to take some action. Ask him or end it. If you ask him, you can then decide what action to take.

For god's sake stop hinting and mooning about at rings.

He's already got what only marriage used to bring men.

You want to get married? Hoping and moping are pointless.

Ask him. Then see what he says.

Then decide if you want to continue in this way or not.

Stop sighing away your life like a Victorian maiden with no other options.

Maybe he had the same dream?

Maybe he finds planning a proposal too overwhelming, or is struggling with the ring (either money wise or deciding on a style).

Self respect is also about being humble enough to accept its not all always taking the higher ground that gets you results.

Nah. I think its been made fairly clear that he just doesn’t want to get married, even though OP says she’s sure he does.

I think what @JFDIYOLO said hit the nail on the head. He’s already got what men could only get from marriage in the past but without the commitment. He’s keeping his options open and will absolutely be married with a baby in 2-3 years if OP ends this nonsense tomorrow.

After 13 years of living with him sort of saying he wants to marry but being totally ineffectual at making it happen, if its what she really wants I stand by my suggestion. He might well go ‘alright then’ and turn up on the given day. I don’t think that’s unhinged at all.

Why she’d settle for that, I don’t know but if he finally grows the balls to say ‘ No, Katie, I’m not doing that, I don’t want to get married’, job still done and she can cancel the venue and pack her bags.

Well I asked him...casually.

We were watching big bang theory and it was Sheldon and Amy's wedding day (incredible coincidence).

It was a bit weird.

I asked why have we never got married? He hugged me tightly and said there's still time. I said so we will one day? He looked embarrassed and awkward but was smiling, he said I don't know, maybe. I asked do you want to get married? He said maybe. I said maybe? So you might not? He said I don't know. I said well do you or not? There was a pause and I thought he wasn't going to answer then he said "yes" I said yes what? He said I do want to.

I think he just feels awkward about it too. After a while I asked when do you think we'll get married? He said I don't know.

I disagree with all of you saying he never will or he's just waiting for someone better. It's hard to explain but he's proved his commitment again and again.

He's not some oaf that just expects me to wash his socks either, as some have suggested, we've always split chores fairly. He probably does more than me.

To be honest I've always downplayed marriage, it's kind of been built into me like a defence mechanism. If people ask us when we're getting married I'll say things like "woah now no rush".

He's been very cuddly and smily since our chat so maybe he really didn't know if I wanted to or not. Maybe he's been feeling like me about it.

I will keep you updated with any further news.

Sounds like he tried to fob you off with a "maybe", realised you were more persistent than usual, so he had to fob you off with a "yes" this time.

Still thing it doesn't actually mean he's going to, but I'll admit I was wrong if preparations actually get underway.

Would love to hear your updates. I love a happy ending ❤️

It doesn't sound like he cares either way tbh. He'll get married if you want to get married, but he's not bothered if it doesn't happen. You are going to have to be the one to make it happen if that's what you want.

Really don’t want to be mean, OP, but you dropped the ball when you accepted ‘I don’t know’ as a final answer to ‘when will we marry?’.

He won’t marry you. You have your answer, which is what you said you wanted. I think maybe a health or existential crisis might force the issue one day though.

Until then I truly wish you peace and happiness living together as a family. Its more than a lot of people have.

Oh, and yes, start referring to him as ‘my partner’, you’re right about ‘boyfriend’ being inadequate when you’ve owned a house together for 13 years!

His response to you asking about getting married was pretty shit, honestly. He has no intention of actually getting married.

With kindness I find your update absolutely infuriating!!

You plucked up the courage to ask him, you pushed him for an answer instead of letting him laugh it off, he eventually said he wanted to and then:

After a while I asked when do you think we'll get married?
He said I don't know.

What the hell OP? Why on earth are you hesitating and the asking him when?? He said he wants to get married and that's that.. just get to it now! Your response should be, "brilliant let's get planning it!"

I can't believe you got the result you wanted then IMMEDIATELY told him that it will be up to him when it happens?? By asking him when you are clearly saying that it is up to him when it happens and in fairness, if he is only luke warm about the idea that could be never.

Until he tells you why he hesitated to say yes to the marriage idea when you first brought it up, you will never know what his feelings on it really are.. you should have asked him at that point what his concerns are and really hashed it out, you're really tiptoeing about the subject for some reason.

The bottom line is that we've been together 13 years and he has still not proposed.

No, the bottom line is that you've chosen to stay in a 13 year relationship and you can't even effectively communicate with each other. It's fucking bonkers.

I really don't understand this. After all these years are you expecting some mad romantic gesture involving fireworks, rose petals, white doves and the Eiffel Tower being reserved? Just get on with it.

Sounds like you’ll be writing here in another 5-10 years’ time with the same problem.

Btw, was it really your decision not to have children or did you just go along with what he wanted?

"when do you think we'll get married"?
Just explain why exactly it's his decision and his choice in all of this?
Have you no agency in the relationship?