He still hasn't proposed - I really need some help

[Elliegeez]

The bottom line is that we've been together 13 years and he has still not proposed.

We talked about it in the early days, we both said we wanted to be married one day.

I wanted it to be a surprise so I never wanted to talk about it, I just assumed he would do it.

Then time marched on...

I imagined that he was planning to do it on this holiday, or that trip, or that Christmas.

Then it had been so long that it seemed hard to start the conversation. The longer I leave it, the harder it is. I just don't know how to start the conversation.

I'm sure that we want to be together forever and that we were just meant to be but now I'm starting to feel so angry and upset that I think it's affecting our relationship.

I've tried hints like looking at rings, showing him rings. I even said over a year ago that I wanted to be married by the time I was 40 he said "you better move quick then" and I said "no you better move quick". Then I waited....then I turned 40.

I know he doesn't know how much it's upsetting me and I know I need to talk about it, I just don't know how.

What should I say first? What situation? I've tried just getting drunk, hoping it would fall out, but that didn't work either.

Anytime we watch anything with a wedding or a proposal I just feel so sad.

Please help me.

I’d give him an ultimatum if I was in your position. And if he doesn’t commit I would want to know why he won’t. If it’s a really important deal breaker for you then make it clear he’s got a choice to make. I agree with pp that if he really wanted to be married he would have asked.

I would also consider if he is lacking in drive/go getterness etc in the rest of life.. if yes I would probably think about ending it. I find it really unattractive if someone is a ‘coaster’ and won’t make any choices etc; he obviously cares for you but why hasn’t he taken any initiative (despite your hints!!!!)?? If he’s immature and indecisive I’d be gone. Bear in mind if you do cajole him into getting married, any other ‘big choices’ will be for you to force along.. consider what you would be ok with. Best of luck x

Take control of your life, tell him you want to get married, if he waffles then find someone who does want to be married.
I can’t imagine waiting for a proposal for do long.

You say to him: "I have been thinking about this a lot lately and it's important to me that we get married, and I would actually like a traditional proposal. Please arrange it for sometime in the next 6 months. I want to get married in 2026".

I wouldn’t bother with an engagement after 13 years, tell him you want to get married and book a date. You’ll know by his responses if he wants to marry you.

I think that you have asked him in effect when you said you had a time limit in mind... that's a pretty strong indicator. His response was cruel and dismissive but you turned it back on him well and by showing you felt the ball was in his court you were clear you expected him to propose and not the other way around. He hasn't done it (though not clear on your age and timeline... are you past 40?) and I think he's got it easy as things are and has little incentive to change. Honestly, if it matters to you to be married you need to change things yourself. I think I'd probably leave for that comment alone.

This!

I hope I have raised my daughter better.

I have been with my partner for 12 years, we have a house and a son together.In the early days we also said wanted to get married but years passed by and our views changed. It stopped being a topic and it just comes up from time to time in a practical way. We are happy.

I know I’m the exception by not caring about a proposal or a wedding but my partner would really struggle to ‘propose’. He is not the romantic, big gestures type of guy and struggles showing his emotions. However he is a wonderful partner that demonstrates his love, care and commitment through our daily life. In the other hand, I lost count of friends and acquaintances who had amazing proposals and weddings parties to discover that the guy was cheating, was an abuser etc…

So I don’t share the opinion of most in this thread that a proposal demonstrates how much a guy cares about his GF. But there is a clear problem of communication here: or he didn’t understand this is so important to you (you admitted you don’t raise it often) or you don’t understand why he doesn’t want to do it. You have to put your big girl pants and address this with him, you are not clearly in the same page about the topic.

I feel your pain. I got proposed to after 11 years, totally understand how you are feeling.
I’d advise you to use marriage counselling/couples therapy to talk about it
As I think you’ll both find it a lot easier to get your thoughts and feelings out guided by professional.
You proposing to him won’t resolve feelings of anger and resentment.
In my case time did it. And talking ( husband said it became hard to propose as time went on as he could feel my anger)
Good luck!

Don't ask him or propose yourself, because that isn't what you want, I think you need to just open the conversation (at a convenient time for a chat ideally) and say something along the lines of 'do you think we should get married?' and if he tries to crack a joke, just say 'no, seriously, I think we need to discuss it'.

His response to that will determine where that conversation goes, so be prepared for all eventualities, but to be honest if he is up for it, just start planning it together & make it fun, I don't really understand why it has to be the man asking personally, as anything else in life you would discuss together and then decide together, but if the proposal is really important to you, then ask him if at some point before you send invites or tell people, he will properly propose because you've always wanted that moment.

Like anything else in life, don't wait around for the 'perfect' moment to spontaneously materialise, if you want something then go after it!!

For me, it came across as almost snide, flippant and mocking.

You’ve already been waiting 13 years though, you need to take charge of the situation if being married is more important to you than it is to him. Be the leading lady in your own life rather than a supporting character in his. Otherwise in 13 years time you’re going to be mourning the wedding you never had.

OP I'm sorry if you are in this situation but why are you waiting for a proposal ? It makes legal sense to be married so have a conversation. If he has angst about marriage then suggest a civil partnership which will give you the same legal protections. Nothing stopping you having a romantic wedding/civill partnership day.

@PrettyFox

I lost count of friends and acquaintances who had amazing proposals and weddings parties to discover that the guy was cheating, was an abuser etc

By presenting it in that way, it's creating a false choice for the OP, one that is often presented to women, and is how my ex 'explained' his lack of care to me when I was unhappy.

To summarise he said 'Look! I do the dishes, I pull my weight in the house! Isn't that enough? I think you should be grateful I'm not a chauvinist like some men. Why do you need a birthday card & gift, or need to do anything for Valentine's Day'?

Like I had to fucking choose.

He made it seem like it was totally unreasonable or impossible to expect both, presenting me with a false choice I didn't have to make. It's the same here.

Women don't have to choose the silent, emotionally constipated, apathetic, cold or casual man over the charming, over-the-top and intense Lothario who'll eventually cheat on them. They are both bad choices.

Just ask him. I think you are frightened he will say he doesn't want to, then you in turn have the answer you don't want and he will be relieved that he doesn't have to marry you.

If he really doesn’t mind about getting married but knows it’s important to you, then he must be quite a cruel bastard. Joking that you should ‘get on with it’ when you brought it up shows he knows how you felt. Did he mean go and meet someone else?? That’s how I would take it.

So he either wants to get married and is playing with your emotions, or doesn’t want to get married at all. Either option isn’t great in terms of your relationship is it.

Yes you could propose but the point for me is that he knows this one thing is important to you, and chooses to ignore it.

Because you are massively missing the emotional context of this. Most women don't just want to tick a box. They want to feel like they're wanted and have been actively chosen to be a life partner, not just someone who was around long enough for their male partner to casually or apathetically go 'Yeah go on then...ummm...I suppose?'

Just a suggestion
"I had an amazing dream last night, I hope it comes true. We were on a bus & out of the blue you said will you marry me then I woke up" Tell him this first thing in the morning while still in bed & on a day off work then take the discussion from there 😉 😁

From what OP has said about him I think he would just tell her she was being weird and there would be no discussion.

He’s just not that in to you. Harsh but true.

He’s keeping bis options open. I bet if you ended it he’d be married with a baby inside 3 years.

It happens all the time.

Oh God, this made me cringe. 😖 Don't do this @Elliegeez Not if you want to keep a SHRED of your self respect!

@EarthSight But that's not what I am saying at all. If a couple have been together quite a long time the marriage idea may not be the forefront of your minds but having the conversation can be very meaningful. Nothing to do with a default at all. We had been together 13 years and a health scare made us decide to speak about it on both on a romantic and legal level.

👍Perhaps worth a try though. OP just wants to know one way or the other. I feel asking him outright is a bit cold & lacking in any form of romance.

Do you ever make the first move about anything? Like, for example, sex.

I semi proposed. But how have you been with someone for 13 years and bought a house and not discussed marriage? DH and I discussed it very early on and we were 21/22. We decided to do it when we finished graduate school and had a rough date. Not long before that I sort of proposed- he obviously said yes but to be honest even if I hadn’t we were going to get married. It’s been 15 years this July.
Do you want to marry him? Ask him. If he says yes then say ‘should I plan something small/big/whatever you want?’ And go ahead and plan it.
You are waiting for some magical moment but he seems to have used that to avoid making a more official/legal commitment.

I don’t agree that if you struggle to discuss this it indicates a poor relationship. I think it could indicate a lack of confidence or just be lack of practice in being direct. Some conversations make us feel exposed and nervous even if we love the other person and find other things easy to talk about. I also think some guys are not planners and if you aren’t planning on having kids he may feel there is no impetus. Having said that, you did tell him so I think you need to be direct and own it (I also don’t buy that it doesn’t matter to you and it’s ok if it does!). So something like:

• I’ve been thinking about what is important to me and one thing is getting married.
• it would mean a huge amount to me (if you want a proposal make it clear but maybe this isn’t important).
• I’d love for us to do this year.
• What do you think?

then give him time to speak. Don’t apologise for wanting it, justify etc, or say you made hints/accusations, just be straightforward and positive. then ensure some kind of timeframe for him to propose / set a date etc and be prepared to walk away if he doesn’t follow through if this is a deal breaker for you. Good luck!