He still hasn't proposed - I really need some help

[Elliegeez]

The bottom line is that we've been together 13 years and he has still not proposed.

We talked about it in the early days, we both said we wanted to be married one day.

I wanted it to be a surprise so I never wanted to talk about it, I just assumed he would do it.

Then time marched on...

I imagined that he was planning to do it on this holiday, or that trip, or that Christmas.

Then it had been so long that it seemed hard to start the conversation. The longer I leave it, the harder it is. I just don't know how to start the conversation.

I'm sure that we want to be together forever and that we were just meant to be but now I'm starting to feel so angry and upset that I think it's affecting our relationship.

I've tried hints like looking at rings, showing him rings. I even said over a year ago that I wanted to be married by the time I was 40 he said "you better move quick then" and I said "no you better move quick". Then I waited....then I turned 40.

I know he doesn't know how much it's upsetting me and I know I need to talk about it, I just don't know how.

What should I say first? What situation? I've tried just getting drunk, hoping it would fall out, but that didn't work either.

Anytime we watch anything with a wedding or a proposal I just feel so sad.

Please help me.

Well that was a pointless conversation.

Yes - and say to him that if he doesn’t want to get married then you want the both of you to see a solicitor to sort out wills and a cohabitation agreement

Hi OP that would infuriate me too. I also had some dating disappointments but read the rules, the book, and married within a year. If marriage is really that important to you I'm nervous for you that this situation may not work out. I can see why you are upset, after all this time marriage should be something that just happens but it doesn't always sadly. Would you be prepared to leave him over this?

@Elliegeez That still sounds like he’s not sure to me. I would give him a set amount of time and if he hadn’t asked or confirmed things somehow by then I’d be off. Or I would just start booking and planning a wedding and getting on with it.. if he chickens out you know his answer. When he’s non committed in these conversations why don’t you escalate it and say ‘why can’t you commit to this’ and then when he gives a one word answer I’d be saying ‘if you can’t discuss this as a grown up and properly explain your position this will be over’ and force him to step up. I think deep down you must be really really really frustrated at his total lack of communication and his lack of being able (or willing) to communicate with you after all this time. I also wondered if you are really agonising about this not because of the marriage part but because of all the time you have spent on him in your life up to this point and I wondered if you weren’t with him would you have had children. I know that’s a whole other thing and maybe that’s not the case at all but I think for me it would alll be blended in to the emotional pot. x

Why do you think that buying a house together is showing more commitment than marriage?. (It is not).

Has this idea come from him or is something he has led you into believing?.

Agee with the other pp - he’s evading the subject.
saying the right thing with very little substance.
ineffect shutting you down.
like my grandmother/ mum used to say ‘if you’re good enough to live with, you’re good enough to Marry lol.

Maybe he feels the same?

Eek, the update just makes me more confident in my point. If he wanted to, he would've. It's been a lovely 13 years of convenience for him. A woman who warms the bed and keeps the home, but isn't really good enough to carry your last name . ( Figuratively)
I'm sorry op, this is just a song we've all heard sung. And the lyrics don't differ, just the names.
I mean you could be part of the 1% where it happens( mostly after a really hard deadline from the woman), but I wouldn't count on it.

Sometimes I really think the conservative/religious folks have it right.
You don't move in till we're married. That way at least you'll know early he doesn't want marriage. You don't move in and give the best years of your life to a man that is still on the fence.

You want to be married OP, this guy doesn’t want to marry you it he did he would have.

Stop being passive, if you want a DH get a plan to sell the property and look for someone who wants to marry you.

I got married really quickly after meeting my DH, he asked what I wanted for Christmas, I said an engagement ring and the rest is history. There’s know way I’d not settle for the whole package.

All this waiting for a big moment is wasting time. I do know women that eventually got the ring, eg, my best friend got engaged after living with her partner for 18 years. That was 7 years ago, will he marry her, will he heck?

There are 2 scenarios:

1. He doesn't want to get married / isn't sure he wants to marry you, so is putting it off. The conversation suggests he isn't sure. That was his chance to say 'Yes! I'd love to!'. But he's batted it back into the long grass it seems.
2. He'd love to get married but for some reason finds the idea uncomfortable / embarassing. That would bother me in itself (it suggests a subconscious objection to marriage), but if you're satisfied it's just who he is, you have to accept he isn't going to propose or make a wedding happen. So take charge. Plan the wedding. I fear you could be waiting a long time otherwise.

Why didn't you push it more in that conversation??

It was the perfect opportunity, for you to have just simply said great let's set the date (or however you want to say it).

Honestly you're both as bad as each other.

I think at this rate you'll be waiting another 13 years.

Good luck 💐

What is at the root of this hesitation? Are you fearful he will confirm that he doesn't want marriage?

Set a date together for 3 months time. If he doesn't want to, then move on and meet someone who does want to marry!

There's no way I would have tolerated that for years!

'I want to get married', might have made things a bit clearer for him OP.

What do you want more, the proposal or the marriage?

Because you're not getting the proposal. So it's your move now 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hi OP your opening post is asking for suggestions to broach the subject to him, which several posters have kindly put forward.

Only you can determine whether his other redeeming qualities can somehow counteract this commitment issue that's been playing on your mind. He might be a good kind generous etc man but that's not what you asking us to help you with.

There is no questions as to whether he will because we (and you) know that he wouldn't, unless you give an ultimatum, of which he knew you wouldn't (see your latest encounter with him)

Using the sports analogy, the ball is actually in your court as your partner has refused to play ball for 13 years. He need to start playing, or else please respectfully leave the court. Your can't force a grown man so you have to decide whether to leave the court and find another player, or continue solo.

He has it too easy .. theworldsmad
has it nailed there in that living together and committing that way means the man doesn’t have to propose and years go by with no commitment.

What is it you want - the married status, the wedding day, The Proposal?

Stop tiptoeing around!!!!!!

Tell him.

Here's how I FEEL. I want to get married with you. I want us to be husband and wife. I want to make that honest, dedicated ultimate committment with you. Do you want the same? Will you marry me?

And if it's not a full wholehearted yes - he does not think you really are The One and part of his mind is keeping his options open.

OP, you need to WAKE UP!!!

This was NOT a reassuring conversation. Of course he's being all lovely, because he's wriggling out of it all and doesn't want you to kick off. OP, for god's sake face the facts:

1. He knows damn well you're desperate to get married
2. He doesn't want to

You've got three choices:

1. Stay with him and stay unmarried
2. Force the issue - he may given in and marry you because no one better has come along and he doesn't want you to leave. But that is not the real commitment you're really hoping for.
3. Cut your losses and leave.

I was all for 2, but listening to how he's played you tonight, I think you should leave him. He's cruel. He should just tell you the truth - that he's not committed enough to marry you - instead of stringing you along like this. It's heartbreaking reading about you doing this to yourself. Can you afford therapy?

PS. You say you always downplayed marriage when people asked. I think you did that instinctively because you didn't want to hear your boyfriend's response to them. Deep down you've known he's not on board for a very long time, you just don't want to face it.

Yeah this. Women wanting "romantic" proposals are usually the ones who are desperate to post the photos all over social media with their engagement ring and "I SAID YES!!!".

My DP "proposed" by telling me we should set up a wedding fund savings account out of the blue one day 😂

It's actually very sad to read how little you're prepared to settle for, OP, given that the only results of your conversation were "I don't know", "Maybe", "One day" and a cuddle to quieten you down

I imagine that you're worried about having "wasted" 13 years on him and don't want to end it as long as you can persuade yourself there's any chance of him marrying you, but it's just not happening is it?

Better, surely, to find your own peace of mind than to go on sounding almost frightened to upset him in case it puts him off something he clearly has no intention of doing anyway

OP - I'm sorry but this man is never going to ask you to marry him.

I said so we will one day? He looked embarrassed and awkward but was smiling, he said I don't know, maybe.

I asked do you want to get married? He said maybe. I said maybe? So you might not? He said I don't know.

I said well do you or not? There was a pause and I thought he wasn't going to answer then he said "yes" I said yes what? He said I do want to.

I think he just feels awkward about it too. After a while I asked when do you think we'll get married? He said I don't know.

He doesn't feel awkward OP. He doesn't want to get married. But you put him on the spot and he didn't want to say no.

And I don't agree with others who say to propose to him. I'm not old fashioned but I believe if a man hasn't proposed to you, he doesn't want to marry you. So why would you want to marry him?

Urgh I can't stand this women being passengers in their own life, waiting for a man to decide if she's worthy or not.
Either have a grown up conversation about it and decide to do it together, propose to him or leave.

Oh dear 😕
I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt until I read this transcript. I know you don't want to hear this, but you cannot see the wood for the trees. I say that with kindness and friendship.
He said just enough to make you stop, that's it, no more than that. The smiles and cuddles were probably relief that the convo was over and him trying to get you back on side.

If you really love someone, you want them to be happy. You also want them to be protected if the worst should happen. You are neither of these things. You say he has proved his commitment again and again, this is absolutely not true. Having a mortgage together means nothing. Legally you are no more than his acquaintance or mistress. You have given some of the best years of your life to this man. You are not even next of kin! Do you understand the consequences of that if something happened to either of you?

As a fellow woman in her 40's, I say to you that at our age, we do not 'ask nicely' for financial and legal protection, we bloody DEMAND it. I would not sacrifice that for Brad Pitt, never mind some bloke from Telford!

If you choose to accept this as your lot, please please at least go to a solicitor with your boyfriend and get something drawn up.

I doubt he will even mention marriage to you today. I hope I'm wrong for your sake, but I think you may have put your eggs in the wrong basket.

You say you always downplayed marriage when people asked. I think you did that instinctively because you didn't want to hear your boyfriend's response to them. Deep down you've known he's not on board for a very long time, you just don't want to face it

Yes and this too, @Runsyd
In fairness it's not an easy thing to face as I know to my cost, but while I don't disagreee about the OH's cruelty, let's not forget that nobody's forcing OP to stay.
That's her own choice, and from everything said it really may not be a wise one