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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He still hasn't proposed - I really need some help

398 replies

Elliegeez · 16/07/2024 19:55

The bottom line is that we've been together 13 years and he has still not proposed.

We talked about it in the early days, we both said we wanted to be married one day.

I wanted it to be a surprise so I never wanted to talk about it, I just assumed he would do it.

Then time marched on...

I imagined that he was planning to do it on this holiday, or that trip, or that Christmas.

Then it had been so long that it seemed hard to start the conversation. The longer I leave it, the harder it is. I just don't know how to start the conversation.

I'm sure that we want to be together forever and that we were just meant to be but now I'm starting to feel so angry and upset that I think it's affecting our relationship.

I've tried hints like looking at rings, showing him rings. I even said over a year ago that I wanted to be married by the time I was 40 he said "you better move quick then" and I said "no you better move quick". Then I waited....then I turned 40.

I know he doesn't know how much it's upsetting me and I know I need to talk about it, I just don't know how.

What should I say first? What situation? I've tried just getting drunk, hoping it would fall out, but that didn't work either.

Anytime we watch anything with a wedding or a proposal I just feel so sad.

Please help me.

OP posts:
WestwardHo1 · 16/07/2024 22:07

Is it possible that some people just don't want to be married? They have seen marriages end and know the expense and upheaval this always creates, and they don't want it for themselves. Either that, or they have already done the marriage thing themselves and don't want to risk it again. It doesn't always mean they are not committed or happy in their relationship, or they're waiting for someone else "better" to come along. It doesn't automatically mean they are a selfish commitment phobic shit. They might just be content as they are.

I guess to be fair I am talking about relationships where the couple don't share children or who don't intend having children. But from what I have seen, relationships in which there's a marriage break up just as often as relationships where there is no marriage, from 40ish onwards

If you don't want to call him your boyfriend call him your partner

Aposterhasnoname · 16/07/2024 22:07

If you genuinely think buying a house is a bigger commitment than marriage then you clearly have no idea what marriage entails. So first up I suggest you find out, then secondly, if you still want it, you just say “right Fred, are we getting married or not, cos it’s really important to me” and take it from there.

CryptoFascist · 16/07/2024 22:09

Am I the only person who interprets his "You better move quick then" as "you'd better hurry up and find someone else who wants to marry you, as it won't be me" ?

He gave you his answer then, OP.

AuntieEstablishment · 16/07/2024 22:10

I think I get it OP. A part of the magic of a proposal is that he actively wants to marry you, and if you bring it up as an issue, him asking you will feel like he's doing it to please you rather than actually actioning it himself.
I don't know what advice to give you but I do empathise.

AlwaysGinPlease · 16/07/2024 22:11

Aquamarine1029 · 16/07/2024 19:57

He doesn't want to be married. If he did, you'd be married by now.

Sorry, but this is true.

AquaFurball · 16/07/2024 22:13

Elliegeez · 16/07/2024 20:02

So we bought a house together which I think is even more commitment than marriage. He knows I don't want a big expensive wedding.

Is the mortgage 50/50, tenants in common, protected assets? Whatever you need to have done make sure that since you aren't married, you don't get screwed over if your relationship doesn't last the full marathon.

Some people don't ever get married but if you own property together it's probably in your best interests to find out why he seems reluctant to want to

PasteldeNata78 · 16/07/2024 22:13

EarthSight · 16/07/2024 21:49

I even said over a year ago that I wanted to be married by the time I was 40 he said "you better move quick then

There is something cruel and quite heartless about this OP. He fucking well knows what you want, what most women want, and it was a poor response. He said that because he knew that by displaying that kind of passivity, it would take the wind out of your sails.

I think a few posters here are massively missing the point and the emotional context behind this.

Most women want to feel like they have been actively chosen to be the wife of their partner. They don't want a luke warm, pallid 'Oh I suppose' or 'If you want to'.

If he wanted to marry you, he would have asked years ago. Despite being with you for such a long time, he's probably been content all these years to simply coast along.

There doesn't seem to be a shortage of men like that in particular. They find a pleasant enough woman who fills enough of their sexual and emotional needs, they're faithful to her, but they've never felt anything truly deep towards their female partner. Never actively chosen her to be their life partner, and never wanted to make such a deceleration to anybody, never felt that bolt of certainly. Just a sort of vague, casual contentment of 'Yeah I suppose she'll do'. They never break up with their partner because no one better came along. They feel no pressure to propose because they've gotten to the point where they feel confident enough that you'll never leave.

I'm not saying that such arrangements are bad, as long as both parties are happy with it, but you're not.

Eh, I don't know.

The OP hasn't made a big fuss about this. Because she wants a 'secret' proposal.
They've been together 13 years, even the 'married by 40' seems like an offhand comment.

I told my husband the day we started dating that I expected to be married within 5 years. If he didn't , the relationship would be over. He proposed 3 years in.

They have no kids. Share a house. There's zero reason to marry except the OP, erm wants it, but she hasn't put her foot down over it.

Quite frankly if she really cared so much she should have issued an ultimatum

It's just like all those women whining about having babies and their partners refusing to marry them but if they cared that much, they shouldn't have had his children.

People can't complain if they've happily decided to do wife things without the wife status.

It's 2024 it should be a grown up discussion not something driven by him

INeedARest22 · 16/07/2024 22:15

He is a dreamer and in the back of his mind he is waiting for someone better.

CJsGoldfish · 16/07/2024 22:16

Men FUCKING KNOW that women want a romantic proposal and a wedding and a marriage. Or, if their woman is the 1% who doesn't, they know that and her reasons why. So if he's not giving you it, then why
How depressing.
Not the men FUCKING KNOW but the whole sitting and waiting for a romantic proposal and what is really just a big party. Who is raising these women to be such powerless passengers in their own life? So many women lately just sitting around waiting for a man to make a gesture. For what? To placate? To buy time?
For fucks sake, how about we really think about how we are raising our girls?
Perhaps "he's not giving you it" because he's expecting a grown up conversation and thinking that if she hasn't raised it, maybe she's not keen?
I refuse to believe that 99% of women are just waiting for that 'moment'. If you want marriage, use your big girl voice and have a discussion. If you want a nice ring, buy one. Don't sit around wondering why you are not receiving something that should not, in this day and age, be seen as the pinnacle of life. And lets be honest, it's not the actual marriage that is the focus, it's the 'proposal'. Which is ultimately meaningless 🤷‍♀️

Most women want to feel like they have been actively chosen to be the wife of their partner
Why? Why are we STILL doing this to our girls? Telling them that they are only worthy if someone 'picks' them. That their value lies in someone 'choosing' them. We are allowed to be active participants in our own lives now 🙄

samanthablues · 16/07/2024 22:16

Elliegeez · 16/07/2024 20:10

We have the best relationship, we really do. Communication is something that I'm not very good at but we do communicate about everything else. I just don't understand why he hasn't asked me. We openly talk about our "forever" and our future and we always have done.

You don't have the best relationship nor the communication is good, and I'm saying this because in 13 years you haven't been able to communicate how important this is for you, so you need to sit with him and tell him, and yes, you may need to give him a deadline. For some reason he obvs don't want to be married, find why.

Noseybookworm · 16/07/2024 22:17

Elliegeez · 16/07/2024 20:05

No we don't have children. That was something we decided.

I want the marriage. I fed up of calling him my "boyfriend" it sounds so childish and so insignificant for what our relationship is.

Then tell him! Dropping hints and hoping isn't getting you anywhere. Tell him you want to get married - then you'll know where you stand.

ScruffMuffin · 16/07/2024 22:17

He isn't planning anything. He isn't even thinking about it. I have a relative a bit like this - he's laidback and content, and doesn't feel the need to change the status quo. His parents had to suggest that it might be time to move out (in his late 20s). His partner wanted to buy a house together, so she had to take the initiative. It will be the same if she ever decides that she wants kids. He is happy to go along with whatever, but it just doesn't occur to him to change anything!

If you want to get married, you need to ask him. You've had some good conversation openers already. "Shall we get married next year?" would also work.

Mls1984btc · 16/07/2024 22:17

I can truly empathise with your situation OP. I am really sorry you have met this 'life lesson' in the form of a man who does not care about your feeling and what's important to you.

Please do not think that you cannot move on and have to stay with him, just because. That's wasting the second half of your life. Get your finance in order. Check the mortgage and deed to ensure that should you need to leave the house, he will have to either pay for your equity or sell the house.

Is there any other joint responsibilities that you need to tidy up if you decide to leave? Get it sorted asap. Is your life, please take back control.

lionobserving · 16/07/2024 22:18

Just ask him? Have a Frank conversation. This unspoken guessing is mad with your life partner

insomniacdreams · 16/07/2024 22:20

I get you OP. I’m in a similar situation and I’m very resentful. So resentful in fact that I don’t think I could accept a proposal though it isn’t forthcoming. I have two sibling marrying this year and it just brings it home so much more. I’m seriously considering this being the end of the relationship. Unlike you I have had the conservations many times and been told it’s a price of paper and not important.

I think it’s worth discussing with your partner and get them to understand how you are feeling. And if you should be expecting an engagement or if you should be planning to move on. Trust me the resentment builds. It’s not always an easy situation and I can see how it’s got to this.

lifechanginglemoncake · 16/07/2024 22:20

What's his communication style? Is he an introvert who needs time to think about a situation before responding? If so maybe a letter is the way to go.

Something which explains why it's important to you, that you would like to be married to him. Perhaps give a timescale saying 'I'd really love you to ask me before the end of the year and to get married next year' and then tell him what to do if he doesn't want to (talk to me about it or write me a letter back)

The other option is the conversation. There's a useful formulation called 'I've noticed, I worry, I wonder' to frame things in a non attacking way. Perhaps you could open the conversation with this or similar:

I've noticed that I keep getting sad or disappointed because I keep expecting you to propose and building it up in my head.
I worry that this being unresolved is making me unhappy because of the uncertainty.
I wonder if we could have an open conversation about your thoughts on getting married so I can feel more sure about our future.

Ger1atricMillennial · 16/07/2024 22:24

I think you need to decide what you want. If he said he doesn't want to get married, will you leave him.

VeryExpensive · 16/07/2024 22:30

OP, could he be insecure and think that you may say no? It took my DP 17 years to propose and this was the reason. I said yes because I love him but marriage was not a must have for me.

Catnipcupcakes · 16/07/2024 22:32

I agree with the PP who said the ‘well you’d better get a move on then’ to ‘I want to be married by 40 (with only a year to go) was a cruel indicator that he could have added ‘and find someone else because it won’t be to me.’

Which is why I think OP needs to be prepared to go straight away if he messes her about any more.

OP - Don’t agree to ‘get engaged’. The wedding ceremony is booked this week or you’re gone. Don’t be a bystander in your own life.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/07/2024 22:33

I just don't understand why he hasn't asked me

Because he doesn't want to - or at least not enough?

You mentioned that little happens unless you plan it, so would you be entirely comfortable doing everything about a wedding, wondering all the time if his heart was really in it?
It wouldn't be for me, but as ever each to their own

Darkdiamond · 16/07/2024 22:33

Mirrorcat · 16/07/2024 20:27

He either doesn’t care about marriage or doesn’t want to marry you. Ask him which it is. It’s really weird you can’t broach this with him tbh

This, 100 percent. All the posters asking why OP doesn't just organise something herself are missing the point. Most men who want to get married make it happen. If your boyfriend isn't making it happen, it may cast doubts on the entire relationship.

Op, you feel anxious about speaking g to your boyfriend because you feel like you're being an annoying nag, a ball and chain.

Nope. He knows full well that you want to get married and is most likely counting on you not wanting to broach the subject so he can squirm out of it. You have every right to know where your relationship is going and this isn't a cringe 'ooh I hoping he doesn't think I'm coming on too strong' conversation. You deserve and have a right to know what's going on and where you stand. Do not feel awkward about bringing this up. Its your life, your relationship too!

Normallynumb · 16/07/2024 22:34

He gave you his answer when you said you wanted to marry by the time you're 40 and has said nothing since
Has he been married before?
Simply if he wanted to marry you then you would be married by now
I'm sorry

GingerPirate · 16/07/2024 22:34

insomniacdreams · 16/07/2024 22:20

I get you OP. I’m in a similar situation and I’m very resentful. So resentful in fact that I don’t think I could accept a proposal though it isn’t forthcoming. I have two sibling marrying this year and it just brings it home so much more. I’m seriously considering this being the end of the relationship. Unlike you I have had the conservations many times and been told it’s a price of paper and not important.

I think it’s worth discussing with your partner and get them to understand how you are feeling. And if you should be expecting an engagement or if you should be planning to move on. Trust me the resentment builds. It’s not always an easy situation and I can see how it’s got to this.

Go, if you can, from practical point.
The resentment and other feelings will be there,
during your wedding, during your marriage,
if it happens.
Every time something doesn't work out right,
every time your husband pees you off.
Doesn't matter how good it looks on the surface.
The peace of living on your own.
This is the advice I would take as a 32 yo,
when I got married after 9 years of waiting.
It wasn't just resentment, it was anger and feeling
degraded. As I got older, I realised my husband had a very difficult divorce in the past
and is a decent man. However, at 45 now,
when practically possible, I'll be off to live on my own, without "taking husband to the cleaners".
Child free, I'll just make my exit.
Go as well.

DingleDongBellEnd · 16/07/2024 22:35

I just proposed to my DH when I felt like it and he said "yes". That was about 20 yrs and two kids ago. Just get on with it.

CM97 · 16/07/2024 22:37

BlueBirdBell · 16/07/2024 19:59

You need to read “The Rules”.

I’m flabbergasted anyone would stay in a relationship with someone for so many years accepting second best. If you want marriage then stop wasting your time with this one.

What are "the rules"... is it a book?