Husband being nasty about my past

[Cockaleedoddleydoo]

My husband has been really strange recently.
Keeps asking me questions about my past, bringing things up that I said years ago and generally being horrible about it.

So, from the very beginning, I've always been honest with him about everything. He knew from very early on about all my previous relationships, sexual history ect, which I think is all very normal. He was fine with it then. Went on to marry me so must have been!⁶

For some reason he is now deciding he isn't okay with a lot of things, is very insecure and angry and is blaming me for my past.

I won't mention everything because it will be too long. But for example,
The other night he kept asking me questions about this one guy that I was seeing before him (it wasn't even serious).
Apparently I'd said that he was handsome when we saw him on a night out 8 years ago when we were first dating. I vaguely remember this. Not a great comment from me but I had had a few drinks and this guy had said hi to me and my husband had mentioned how unattractive he was (he isn't at all). He knew I had been with him, I got a bit defensive and said he isn't. I get why that is annoying but it was also 8 bloody years ago. Who cares now?!

He kept saying how I would still be with him if he hadn't had a girlfriend( he didn't tell me this and I ended it when I found out).

There was a bit of back and forth and I went to bed after getting fed up.

He stormed in, risked waking me and the baby up, saying "is he the one you sent that photo to?" (I told him years ago I'd sent one photo my entire life of myself in my underwear). I said yes.

He stormed out and the next day was fuming. Wouldn't speak to me at first, then began saying how he must have been so special, I should have kept my clothes on, I should be ashamed ect.

He is annoyed because he has asked me to send photos in the past but I've always said I don't like to, it makes me uncomfortable and I just don't want to. I have done it a few times but never was something I was into or wanted. I did it for him. But it's not good enough apparently because I only did it after years of him asking...

He asked why I did it for this other guy (only one picture and nothing rude), I told him I didn't want to either, I felt pressured and was too young and silly to say no.

I feel I have the right to say no now even if I did in the past? And it was only once anyway.

I don't feel I should be pressured into sending photos when I'm not comfortable. He is my husband and should respect that surely.

I feel like he has no respect for me. He shames me and makes me feel guilty about having a past, which I feel is just normal relationship stuff as anyone would have experienced.

It's like he's so disappointed in me for being with other people. I shouldn't have told him about them but it was years ago and he asked me!! I wanted to be honest and now it's being held against me.

I don't know why or where this has all come from? Why is he worried about this random guy. Saying things like, why don't you marry him instead, why would you do that for him and not me?

There's been many other similar outbursts. It's so exhausting and it feels really unfair. He makes me feel like I'm not good enough because of my history and I can't change it. He's so angry and jealous. I've been completely faithful and loyal to him since we met. I don't know what his problem is lately. It's come out of nowhere

Sorry, I really just need to rant.

And don't let him make you feel guilty for discussing this - on mumsnet or with (for example) your mum.

How's that relevant to the OPs situation?

The OPs past would be in the past if her husband didn't keep bringing it up.

Her past is nothing out of the ordinary so he'd have this same issue with any woman he was with...so this is a him issue, rather than a 'dealing with past issues' kind of thing.

He should have loved and cherished his wife. He has failed her through coldness and cruelty.

It is him that should seek forgiveness and redemption. If he's lucky he'll realise that before he dies alone as a miserable, hateful old man.

This.

I'm reading your thread to my husband, who always is concerned about influencers of any kind, especially the likes of Andrew Tate.
we're both saying you should have a plan of escape, just in case and let a few close friends or family know.
I can promise you from a healthy relationship of 32 years, I had a past but my husband did not, he has never bought it up and loves me, he does not think he owns me and we are equal.in our marriage.
We also have had to navigate one of our boys listening to Andrew tate, when he was a teenager, but thankfully he sees him now as a misogynistic abuser, but it was scary how he read things, but thankfully the whole family including uncles helped him see how ridiculous this man was.
If any of your children are boys remember they will be looking at their father and your girls need to know that they are equal in every area of life.
I really hope you are safe and think about this with wisdom. You are not a possession, you are an independent person. Good luck, stay strong, but be mindful you are safe.

He seems like a complete dumbass! If men are allowed all this shagging around before marriage with whoever they want because of the whole "men are different" shtick, then where the fuck are these men meant to find women to sleep with, if these women are supposed to be in the convent remaining chaste af?

Logic not his strong suit ey? Misogyny aside, I couldn't bear to be with someone that hard of thinking. And I really wouldn't be willing to put his misogyny aside either.

then where the fuck are these men meant to find women to sleep with,
trafficked women forced to be sex workers.

As long as wifey's a vestal virgin, that's all that matters.

All I know is if it was me living with this shit, I'd tell him to pipe the fuck down and grow the fuck up or fuck off! And good luck trying to find someone who meets his unattainable ideals, it'll be a sad lonely single life for him. I think by this point I'd know I was done with him though.

There are two types of women. Whores and Madonnas. If either of these types of women are not available to men at the stage in life they require them this is a grave injustice and a sign of everyday misandry/the feminist gynocracy.

They also watch a tonne of porn - thereby supporting & promoting the porn industry - but if a porn actress or former actress dares to get married or much worse, have a child ...... They post outraged, sickened, vitriolic rants about her on their forums.
Saying "this shouldn't be allowed, the poor child" etc and outlining the most extreme sex acts the actress was subject to in porn videos.

I get the impression that if they had their way, they'd have all women who are or were involved in the sex industry - of which they are customers - sterilised.They're not allowed to be human, you see. They must be a flesh & bone sex dolls, and nothing else.

(not allowed to be human).

He sounds high on the narcissist spectrum. Doesn’t matter what his wife’s history was, it would be wrong and something to beat her up with. They make up the ‘rules’ as they go along depending on what suits them at any given time. What’s black today will be white tomorrow and black again the day after if it suits their agenda. They are gods in their own universe and the truth is what they decree it is at any given time and can change in a moment. Definitely misogynists. Usually give themselves away with criticism of women…she’s too fat, women shouldn’t drive, women don’t understand politics …that sort of stuff . But they do like porn.
They love bomb to catch, then devalue, discard, and then hoover . She is in the devalue stage. To erode her self esteem, make him feel superior. She is to walk on eggshells, keep trying harder to please , hoping he will become the loving man she knew and he will make her feel everything that is wrong that makes him angry , is her fault. Till she is beaten down, feels she can’t cope on her own, depends on him and he has complete control…plus the freedom to do as he pleases. Because he is always right. Logic is what he says it is. Total absence of empathy. From what I’ve read on here, IMO . I hope she is ok. I hope she can leave. The worst of them are very dangerous, especially when the woman is trying to leave.

This is abusive behaviour.

I'm worried now that OP hasn't come back, does anyone know if a new thread was started?

Oh, he’s definitely been watching social media stuff. The shame here is that it’s really hard to save people when they fall down the rabbit hole. Even if get fed up and leave him he will just use that to think he was right.

It's op. There is another thread.
Thank you for your replies

Oh OP I hope you are ok. Your husband is a fool, a complete loser.

Yes but not linked as her husband has found this one. I can’t find the new one but if anyone has it please DO NOT share here. I would ask to be DM’d but I suppose that requires checking out every users history to ensure it’s not the husband.

Having a few boyfriends isn't sleeping around is it

Also. Why are you posting on here if you're a man?
It's mumsnet..for mums.
I don't want your advice on my sexual history to be honest

This isn't the 1800s. Basically NO ONE is a virgin before marriage anymore. You don't represent civilised human beings.