Husband being nasty about my past

[Cockaleedoddleydoo]

My husband has been really strange recently.
Keeps asking me questions about my past, bringing things up that I said years ago and generally being horrible about it.

So, from the very beginning, I've always been honest with him about everything. He knew from very early on about all my previous relationships, sexual history ect, which I think is all very normal. He was fine with it then. Went on to marry me so must have been!⁶

For some reason he is now deciding he isn't okay with a lot of things, is very insecure and angry and is blaming me for my past.

I won't mention everything because it will be too long. But for example,
The other night he kept asking me questions about this one guy that I was seeing before him (it wasn't even serious).
Apparently I'd said that he was handsome when we saw him on a night out 8 years ago when we were first dating. I vaguely remember this. Not a great comment from me but I had had a few drinks and this guy had said hi to me and my husband had mentioned how unattractive he was (he isn't at all). He knew I had been with him, I got a bit defensive and said he isn't. I get why that is annoying but it was also 8 bloody years ago. Who cares now?!

He kept saying how I would still be with him if he hadn't had a girlfriend( he didn't tell me this and I ended it when I found out).

There was a bit of back and forth and I went to bed after getting fed up.

He stormed in, risked waking me and the baby up, saying "is he the one you sent that photo to?" (I told him years ago I'd sent one photo my entire life of myself in my underwear). I said yes.

He stormed out and the next day was fuming. Wouldn't speak to me at first, then began saying how he must have been so special, I should have kept my clothes on, I should be ashamed ect.

He is annoyed because he has asked me to send photos in the past but I've always said I don't like to, it makes me uncomfortable and I just don't want to. I have done it a few times but never was something I was into or wanted. I did it for him. But it's not good enough apparently because I only did it after years of him asking...

He asked why I did it for this other guy (only one picture and nothing rude), I told him I didn't want to either, I felt pressured and was too young and silly to say no.

I feel I have the right to say no now even if I did in the past? And it was only once anyway.

I don't feel I should be pressured into sending photos when I'm not comfortable. He is my husband and should respect that surely.

I feel like he has no respect for me. He shames me and makes me feel guilty about having a past, which I feel is just normal relationship stuff as anyone would have experienced.

It's like he's so disappointed in me for being with other people. I shouldn't have told him about them but it was years ago and he asked me!! I wanted to be honest and now it's being held against me.

I don't know why or where this has all come from? Why is he worried about this random guy. Saying things like, why don't you marry him instead, why would you do that for him and not me?

There's been many other similar outbursts. It's so exhausting and it feels really unfair. He makes me feel like I'm not good enough because of my history and I can't change it. He's so angry and jealous. I've been completely faithful and loyal to him since we met. I don't know what his problem is lately. It's come out of nowhere

Sorry, I really just need to rant.

It’s really common for control to escalate after you have a baby. No you should absolutely not be coerced into sending photos - especially now when it looks like the relationship might end badly and he’ll still have them. Aside from the control issues, he’s coming off quite thick

When this happened to me it was due to paranoia induced by cocaine use that I knew nothing about. We weren’t married and didn’t live together. Went on holiday all seemed to be going well but on the first day he produced a load of phone bills (remember those days when they were posted to you??) and demanded to know if numbers belonged to exes.
Then he was asking details about my past even boys I had gone out with as a teenager.
I had no idea what was happening.
In 2024, I agree with PP about these Tate-style influencers. They go on about ‘high value’ women with no previous partners and that women basically need to arrive at a marriage as a vestal virgin, have no career, and be ruled by the man. It is very worrying as men of all ages are being seduced by this narrative.
Finally, I also agree that he could be involved in something inappropriate outside of the marriage.
Whatever the cause he has no right to do this. He met you and was happy with the person he met. He has no right just because you are his wife to police your past.

He's becoming paranoid. Drugs? as suggested by @PeggyMitchellsCameo or a MH crisis perhaps a variation on Delusional Disorder (Jealousy) /Othello Syndrome. He is being abusive to you, so I'd tread evry carefully - would he see a GP about his MH, would he see atherapist to talk about childhood issues that may have precipatated this thinking? Do you think that now you are a mother a madonna/whore thing has kicked in - always goes back to childhood. I'd get some emergency funds together and a copy of all documents/finances and a bag packed in case you ever need to get away if things get worse.

He's showing you his true colours. We all have a past even him. He's basically a very insecure, manipulative angry individual who is trying to knock you down.
It will only get worse if you stay with him.

How does that work mathematically? There are an equal number of men and women (approx) which means in heterosex, women and men would have the same number of sexual partners on average. The only way that would work is if a very small number of women had sex with a very high number of men (gross) and the rest didn't. (That's what was how some men in days past wanted the world. But it actually isn't what the red-pillars think is happening today. Besides if the world was like that you would still have men with no wives :( ). Or if the men are all having sex with each other in his scenario.

Don't bother bringing it up with him - he isn't interested in reason/logic and you can't reason him out of it. Just no that it takes a seconds thought to realise he is talking absolute crap.

Yes - he could just be a delusional abusive prick.

Once they go down these rabbit holes online, theres not really anything you can do to de-program him.Unless he recognises that he has a problem and gets straight into counselling, I would start making plans to split, sorry 😢

I’ve only glanced through the other posts. You need to read up on Narcissism , narcissists and women and narcissistic people and marriage. I’m serious. You have a problem as far as I can see but if you read up, you can decide how much is your marriage, because I had exactly the same with my OH and it turned out he was well up the Narcissist spectrum.

So, from the very beginning, I've always been honest with him about everything. He knew from very early on about all my previous relationships, sexual history ect, which I think is all very normal.

That is not normal at all! Why the fuck would he need to know your sexual history?

@Cockaleedoddleydoo how are you doing? As helpful as it is to have the scales removed from your eyes you can’t just click your fingers and transport you and your children to a new reality where you are a (wonderful) single parent. You don’t have to do anything overnight. If you think your marriage can’t be saved, my advice would be to get legal advice in secret and have your next steps sorted before you tell him you’re leaving. Brainwashed men like your DH can be unpredictable. He is no longer the man you married and the truth is you have no idea what he is capable of.

I think that you should set some clear boundaries

No discussions about past partners or history
(This belongs to you & it is nobody else's business to know)
What he is doing is not normal

Tell him that you are here to concentrate on the marriage & family NOW

If you are uncomfortable with anything now or in the future, it is OK to say NO or walk away

If he is uncomfortable with any of this, then you have your answer & it would be time to seperate

Your first priority is to protect yourself & your children

We had sex 3 times a day, every day, but he was still having sex with three other women…carried his little blue pills in his ‘secret’ pocket of his Barbour, just in case . ..Working late, going to a funeral, a meeting, getting the car MOT , any reason to get out of the house and then meet a gf

You haven't done anything wrong.

This is information he has had since the start, and was OK with it until now.

My money is on him having done something, and is looking to project his bad onto you.

Have you watched/read any of the material yourself by the way?

A lot if it isn't so much "you girlfriend/wife" is cheating you, although there is a lot of stuff as you said about high value women, low value women, hypergamy etc. But a lot of the "advice" is "this is how to make your girlfriend insecure so she does more for you", "this is how to get away with cheating and why men should cheat", "If your girlfriend suspects you are cheating, throw it back in her face by suggesting SHE is", "This is how to get you GF to do Onlyfans." You are a simp and a beta if you aren't continuously "hustling" and trying to take advantage of the situation. That doesn't mean he is cheating however, it does mean that probably his thought process is more rational/calculated than he would have you believe.
And none of this is particularly new - its very common age old abuser tactics. Its weird to see it literally laid out for all to see.

I am not saying this is definitely part of a deliberate strategy to undermine your self esteem and self worth. I am saying you can't rule out the possibility it might be. Also read "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft.

So he can weaponise it and use it later. These men want to know every detail, under the guise of just wanting to know you better in a caring way…then years later, they cast it all up as if you are a criminal..it’s another stick to beat the wife with, to erode her self esteem, make him feel superior. They are sick, sick men

Next time he starts up, tell him that 90% of the woman he sees who would even consider flirting with him have a past, that who you were when he met you was the reason he met you.
Since you met you have remained faithful and loving, but his attitude is forcing you to reconsider if he is the good man you thought he was..
He goes you slept with other men...
You say yes I agree, so did you
He says you shouldn't have.
You say I agree, but we wouldn't be married if we didn't sleep together before the wedding.
He says but I was not your first...
You say, well yes, but I can find you the number for a Covent if you want to try for wife number 2...
It is a conflict management tool. You agree then say but and state your thoughts...by agreeing first it stops their arguement.

The op hasn't had an affair during the relationship with her husband.

The op doesn't work with any exes.

In your case, if I were you, I wouldn't have continued seeing her after the affair early in your relationship.

He needs to own your life from before he even met you. He’s not a good partner.

@Cockaleedoddleydoo It reminds me of Tess of the D'Urbervilles - the double standards.

Tess eventually 'confesses' her past, {she was raped} and her new husband abandons her for it as she's not the ''Pure maiden'' he thought she was.

• despite him having had past partners.

I found it a profoundly sad book - but based on truth.

Men's double standards.

You don't have to stay in this relationship.

This. The whole narrative is that you are the bad one.

IMO, it's one of:

• He doesn't think you are good enough. If you were LaraCroft and The Virgin Mary combined, you might be.

• He's had his head turned/he's shagging others

It's not you. If he's threatening you with divorce, get proper legal advice and get ahead of him.

Me neither!
@Gnrdave - I'd have been out of that relationship in a flash. {Your GF being unfaithful with an ''ex''.}

Infidelity in my book is an absolute no no.

OP however hasn't been unfaithful- Her husband is paranoid and jealous about a previous partner she'd had more than eight years previously.

Op, the best way to deal eith a man

So he doesn't have a past then. Tell him victorian values no longer apply. Basically I would not even discuss anything more you have already told him. Tell him you asked for the information what you do with it is up to you refuse to have further discussions. Basically he needs to grow up.

I don't want to terrify you OP but my first thought was that he's seen your photo on a revenge porn website. Is there any possibility this old boyfriend could have shared your photo on such a site?

If he doesn't like your padt, he should form part of it.

There is no way you can know for sure why he's like this. What you need to know it that it's not your fault and not your response. This is his problem to fix.

It's actually quite probable that he's getting a thrill from making you cry.

Don't sweat the whys and wherefore. Just bin him. Your life will dramatically improve.