Husband being nasty about my past

[Cockaleedoddleydoo]

My husband has been really strange recently.
Keeps asking me questions about my past, bringing things up that I said years ago and generally being horrible about it.

So, from the very beginning, I've always been honest with him about everything. He knew from very early on about all my previous relationships, sexual history ect, which I think is all very normal. He was fine with it then. Went on to marry me so must have been!⁶

For some reason he is now deciding he isn't okay with a lot of things, is very insecure and angry and is blaming me for my past.

I won't mention everything because it will be too long. But for example,
The other night he kept asking me questions about this one guy that I was seeing before him (it wasn't even serious).
Apparently I'd said that he was handsome when we saw him on a night out 8 years ago when we were first dating. I vaguely remember this. Not a great comment from me but I had had a few drinks and this guy had said hi to me and my husband had mentioned how unattractive he was (he isn't at all). He knew I had been with him, I got a bit defensive and said he isn't. I get why that is annoying but it was also 8 bloody years ago. Who cares now?!

He kept saying how I would still be with him if he hadn't had a girlfriend( he didn't tell me this and I ended it when I found out).

There was a bit of back and forth and I went to bed after getting fed up.

He stormed in, risked waking me and the baby up, saying "is he the one you sent that photo to?" (I told him years ago I'd sent one photo my entire life of myself in my underwear). I said yes.

He stormed out and the next day was fuming. Wouldn't speak to me at first, then began saying how he must have been so special, I should have kept my clothes on, I should be ashamed ect.

He is annoyed because he has asked me to send photos in the past but I've always said I don't like to, it makes me uncomfortable and I just don't want to. I have done it a few times but never was something I was into or wanted. I did it for him. But it's not good enough apparently because I only did it after years of him asking...

He asked why I did it for this other guy (only one picture and nothing rude), I told him I didn't want to either, I felt pressured and was too young and silly to say no.

I feel I have the right to say no now even if I did in the past? And it was only once anyway.

I don't feel I should be pressured into sending photos when I'm not comfortable. He is my husband and should respect that surely.

I feel like he has no respect for me. He shames me and makes me feel guilty about having a past, which I feel is just normal relationship stuff as anyone would have experienced.

It's like he's so disappointed in me for being with other people. I shouldn't have told him about them but it was years ago and he asked me!! I wanted to be honest and now it's being held against me.

I don't know why or where this has all come from? Why is he worried about this random guy. Saying things like, why don't you marry him instead, why would you do that for him and not me?

There's been many other similar outbursts. It's so exhausting and it feels really unfair. He makes me feel like I'm not good enough because of my history and I can't change it. He's so angry and jealous. I've been completely faithful and loyal to him since we met. I don't know what his problem is lately. It's come out of nowhere

Sorry, I really just need to rant.

I don't think you should regret telling him as you're now seeing his true colours. I'd say there is a fair bit of manipulative behaviour here on his part. He's trying to make you believe that you are cheap and have poor morals. Imagine doing this to the mother of your children. Please stand up to him. Remind him that he slept with you prior to marriage (imagine assuming) and also make it VERY clear that men and women are not different. I'd be concerned that a misogynistic man was raising children with me. He needs some help OP as it looks like he's been brainwashed by social media. You will not get through to him if this is the case. It needs to be external. I don't necessarily think he's cheating, but in a sense, he's checked out of a healthy and loving relationship. Till he treats you with dignity and respect, tell him to give you some space.

Was kind of my first thought as well…

It's interesting, isn't it? In following this bizarre, mysognistic teaching on YouTube, the OP's husband thinks he has discovered the OP's decrease in value whereas, the reality is, that he has actually sharply decreased his value. He is very soon to be without his home, his kids, his wife, his regular shag and 50% of his wealth and salary.
He will have plenty of time to reflect on this at a later date.

You need to own your decisions

You decided to forgive her.

Unless there is real evidence rather than your perception then you need to accept he's just a colleague

Why didn't you ask her to move away from him when the affair came to light?

It is all about him, nothing to do with you. It is his own insecurities.

This is abuse. Get out now. Its not going to get any better, just worse. You say he was fine with it before you married. He wasn't fine with it, he was just hiding it.

Hey, I have been on BOTH ends of the spectrum. I have lied and never mentioned a single dudes name. I have also blabbed and mentioned so much.

You know what they say - unresolved feelings and emotions always come back later and uglier
He prob felt same way at the time but stuffed it away for whatever reason but something has now triggered those feeling to come up again.

Your husband's behaviour is abusive, OP. Who knows why he's headed down this path, but he has, and the only thing you can do now is figure out the best way to protect yourself and your DC.

Personally, it would be the end for me. Abuse only ever really escalates, and I wouldn't wants kids brought up being made to feel like they're sluts for having normal age-appropriate sexual relationships.

I hope you're doing okay.

Is your marriage worth saving?
Your H attitude towards you , the wife and mother of his children is frankly perverted and disgusting .
How can your children have healthy relationships and self images when their father is touting such vile mysognistic tripe.
Personally I’d be planning my departure.
This relationship is not healthy .

Nothing is wrong with you.plrnty wrong with him.

Real men respect their wives/partners and the mothers of their children. They are also good role models for their kids.

Inadequate abusive losers watch the likes of Tate and treat their wives/ partners & usually kids like shit. Who wants to be married to a sad loser who thinks you're property and doesn't see women as fully human? He's being abusive. Get out and protect yourself. Abuse only escalates.

MN normally suggests

Look at doing The Freedom Programme

He either accepts you as you are now & forever
Or
You separate & move on with your lives

It seems that his behaviour has declined since the birth of your child

You should be equals
You should fight for your independence & equality

You are a strong woman !

I am so sorry this has happened to you OP. My exH did similar to me and it escalated into other reasons why I was wothless . I twisted myself in knots trying to please him for years before realising I was being abused. So glad you have realised sooner.

i mean I totally think he's in the wrong (esp since he's also had sexual encounters) but there are many women esp in certain cultures that are virgins on the day they marry. This is making me feel weird for waiting, like there is something wrong with that. like you wouldn't find that unicorn anywhere). In my culture both men and woman are expected to wait until marriage and it was one of the hardest things to do, because as you say we're sexual beings. Anyway, appreciate you didn;t mean it, but there are plenty of religious or conservative people where this is the norm.and we're not unicorns or hard to find.

I wouldn't be able to let him touch me if that's how he felt about me and about women in general.

I'd be telling him I wouldn't be giving him any reassurance either seeing as he thinks it's fine to tell you all about his low opinion of you all the time.

He needs to go and sort out his issues himself and stop abusing you.

Lot of nasty poisonous misogynistic shit on social media telling men that all women sleep around and are untrustworthy unless they are utterly chaste and pure tradwives. If he is consuming that shit then not sure you have much of a chance.

My ex used the fact that I'd had sex previously with someone else as a stick to beat with me with. Amongst other things. He was jealous of anything I had or did previously. Because he was an ineffective loser.

He was also having an affair but with a woman who hadn't accomplished that much and had a child by a previous relationship. But apparently her DP was cruel to her ...

You couldn't make it up. Tell him he's right. You'll make a great single mum and off he goes ...

"Religious or conservative".

Exactly.

There are dwindling and relatively small numbers of religious people like that in the UK and western developed democracies.

This is not the rest of the world. This is the UK, a liberal democracy. It is not a religious state, and the application of the main, traditional religion has become extremely moderate. Most of the developed world is the same.

That is the op's culture, that is her h"s culture.

What you cite is not common among typical people from our cultural and religious background at all.
It would only be typical among a relatively small population of fundamental Christians.

If her h wishes to now follow the religious and cultural norms of another religion or culture (not the one he was born into, or has practiced his entire life to date, that is his perogative.

However his decision to exercise that perogative after marrying a woman and bringing children into the world with her, with the result of the destruction of their marriage and family as it was; is immoral, unreasonable and irresponsible.

This is making me feel weird for waiting

If you want to wait to have sex until you are married, that is entirely your perogative.

(You mention this is also expected of men, so it's not sexist, with double standards.

What is not ok, however, is happily having sex before marriage, pursuing a serious relationship with and marrying a woman who has also had sex before marriage, bringing children into the world with her/creating a family ......and THEN deciding that you want to be married to and have had your kids with a woman who waited until marriage to have sex.

(And this does not apply to you, it is still acceptable that you had sex before marriage - with both other partners and your spouse. It is only unacceptable in your spouse, and you want her to create a time machine and become a virgin upon marriage, or you want to abuse her regularly about this subject, to the point where the marriage is no longer healthy or functional).

This is an immoral man, both to his spouse and his children.

When your married to a man, your always ,always,somewhere between his wife and mother.it seems like yo have young child or children too,put all your energy into the children,put his behaviour in a box n the farthest recess of your mind....and in time he will hopefully grow up.

He will probably become more jealous ( over nothing!) and start trying to diminish and control you. Tell him to accept it, grow up and shut up or he can get out. If he doesn't go, leave.

I had a marriage like that and eventually realised I was worth more than what he gave me. I divorced him and should have done it years before.

The past is the past. You can't go back in time and change it.

I think he thinks you are trapped and that's why he's being abusive. You are far away from family, isolated and you have small kids. He thinks he can do and say what he wants and you will stay.

I also think that he might have another womant on the go.

Yep, I agree completely! He is wrong.
( However I think there are more of us wedding night virgins than you think ( even here in the uk :))