My husband is such a miserable bastard

[Junime]

He used to be so fun and light-hearted & since having kids he's become unbearable on occasions. He suffers with anxiety which were currently seeking help for, alot of it is health anxiety and finances which I must say we are comfortable as far as I know but he brings everything back to it whenever i suggest doing something fun and if I manage to get him out to do something fun he'll bring up finances if I want to buy anything and we're talking small things.
My husband is the sole earner for the family I'm a stray at home mum until my youngest goes to school.
I get that we have to budget and be financially responsible with kids but he's a real buzz kill.
Hes just so grumpy all the time, we have a great sex life, wonderful children, a lovely home etc etc I tell him in love him all the time but he's just always worrying about world issues and talks very negatively aboutv things, we don't have enough money, I'm too tired, I don't have enough time and so on it really drags me down and I've tried and tried and tried to talk and ask what's wrong but I get nothing! But then he behaves in a completely contradictory way which pisses me off and then things get spun around onto me like I'm the problem , he doesn't take any responsibility. I'm getting really fed up of the constant negativity, he really makes me feel like the bad guy like everything is my fault .
I organise holidays, days out etc for the family I suggest date night's and have sorted a stay at home date night once a week to combat not spending so much and still making time for each other which is nice but for once I would just love him to take the lead and plan something or even have a fun suggestion! it's just so dull. I miss the old us , Im just sad.

He sounds utterly draining. I’d be having a proper chat about this, letting him know how unhappy this makes YOU. He sounds very self absorbed. He could be depressed. I would suggest counselling to him to save your marriage.

How do you have a great sex life?! Is his grumpiness not a massive turn off?! 😂

I hear you. The older men get the more utterly boring and a drain they become. All they want to do is watch tele, have no responsibility for anything, lose any sense of initiative or enjoyment.

Or that might just be my experience.

Which is why he is no longer in my life 🖕🏽☺️

it sounds to me as though he has developed the financial anxiety after having kids. It is a massive stress to be the sole breadwinner. So maybe instead of making plans that involve spending money - you could look at maybe relieving him of some of the pressure, even if it's only a few hours work a week.

First get him on the road to feeling better, then make plans. In the meantime there are things you can do as a family that cost very little or nothing.

I am a female and the main breadwinner in our family. I would say get a job and share the load. You might find your husband less grumpy

Maybe he's stressed about money and work and the difficulty of sustaining an entire family of people on his income alone. Maybe he wishes you didn't spend as much. I have a suspicion that you spend a lot more than you think (there are hints of this in your post), and he's maybe feeling the pressure of demand for it all.

Why not ask him what is stressing him rather than slagging him off on MN?

Huge responsibility being the sole breadwinner. It’s easy spending money when you don’t earn it or have responsibility for absolutely everything. He sounds stressed to the hilt to me.

This. And …. As someone with severe health anxiety and depression myself I find it baffling that anyone can have a high sex drive whilst battling with those things 😳

I was going to say stress as well. Does he like his job? Get on with his colleagues? Work long hours? Do you have debt? Does he have any hobbies or friends? Would he consider counselling?

Get a job, the best way to help relieve his anxiety surely? I would be so stressed if I was the only breadwinner … we have both worked full time since kids were six months old

I'd be stressed as all hell if I were him. Maybe try to suggest things that doesn't cost money.

And, honestly, the world is kind of a shitshow at the moment. It difficult not to get down about it, although I agree it's important to try not to.

I don't think getting a job would help. The cost of childcare for the child/ren not yet in school might send him over the edge.

Your husband sounds depressed, not just anxious. A preoccupation with world events and family finances that is so persistent and so strong, and an inability to switch all of that off and simply enjoy family days isn't normal and isn't caused by being the sole breadwinner.

I think he needs a thorough screening for depression.

Depression adds to the risk of heart attacks and - sad to say - divorce, for men. which makes men even more vulnerable to bad health.

Sit him down and tell him he needs to see a doctor and speak to that doctor honestly about the level of anxiety, fear about the state of the world, and general negativity he feels. Tell him he needs to mention to the doctor that his wife has reached the point of despair at his inability to lighten up and enjoy family life.

Tell him you are not going to be patient with him any more, and that his problem is impacting you in a serious way.

Get up and leave the room if he tries to turn the tables. And no more sex until he tries to fix this.

How long have you been a SAHP for? He might be tired of carrying the financial burden, especially as you mention a lot of things that cost money. Have you looked at it from his point of view?

And no more sex until he tries to fix this. That'll probably end well.

Her youngest isn’t even at school yet! She states she’s a SAHM until then. She IS sharing the burden, they are not paying out for childcare of any kind and she is presumably running the home. If that’s not contributing then I don’t know what to say.

This! Can you get some paid work and take some of the pressure off him.

Sounds like he’s carrying all the stress and financial responsibility. What would happen if he couldn’t work? What do you think that knowledge does to you?

What would HE do if OP couldn’t care for the children or manage anything in the home? If she was unwell? Surely it goes both ways.

I’m the sole breadwinner (female) and my family complain I’m grumpy all the time but I’m just really tired and don’t sleep well for worrying about work.

He is worried about money and you keep going on about fun and days out and buying things and holidays. Like you suggested a date night in as some sort of compromise.
Can you not think of any fun days that don’t cost money?

Yes you cut your spending to what you can afford. All financial responsibility is on him and he is getting berated for not being Fun Bobby and spending money. It’s a huge strain being the only one bringing in money. He hasn’t got form for being mean but tge man is obviously under pressure.

Yep I organise holidays, days out etc for the family I suggest date night's and have sorted a stay at home date night once a week He's stressed about money and your answer is spend, spend spend?