My husband is such a miserable bastard

[Junime]

He used to be so fun and light-hearted & since having kids he's become unbearable on occasions. He suffers with anxiety which were currently seeking help for, alot of it is health anxiety and finances which I must say we are comfortable as far as I know but he brings everything back to it whenever i suggest doing something fun and if I manage to get him out to do something fun he'll bring up finances if I want to buy anything and we're talking small things.
My husband is the sole earner for the family I'm a stray at home mum until my youngest goes to school.
I get that we have to budget and be financially responsible with kids but he's a real buzz kill.
Hes just so grumpy all the time, we have a great sex life, wonderful children, a lovely home etc etc I tell him in love him all the time but he's just always worrying about world issues and talks very negatively aboutv things, we don't have enough money, I'm too tired, I don't have enough time and so on it really drags me down and I've tried and tried and tried to talk and ask what's wrong but I get nothing! But then he behaves in a completely contradictory way which pisses me off and then things get spun around onto me like I'm the problem , he doesn't take any responsibility. I'm getting really fed up of the constant negativity, he really makes me feel like the bad guy like everything is my fault .
I organise holidays, days out etc for the family I suggest date night's and have sorted a stay at home date night once a week to combat not spending so much and still making time for each other which is nice but for once I would just love him to take the lead and plan something or even have a fun suggestion! it's just so dull. I miss the old us , Im just sad.

It was me that suggested it. Today our bank is on an app, it's so easy I know at any moment in time our balance in any account. I love that.

Have you talked to DH about getting a job to share the financial load? His reaction will tell you more than his words even.

It does sound as if the financial pressure is too much. Since you made the family decision to be a SAHM the cost of living crisis has made things a hell of a lot harder for most people, even high earners. And going back self-employed will be a slow build with an unreliable income so there’s really no end in sight for him.

Alternatively, can you look at reducing the weekly budget?

@Junime if your dh wants to change his diet, one thing you can do for him is to ensure all the meals at home are as healthy as possible.
Less white carbs/sugar and more veg can be quite helpful

(I wouldn’t automatically tell him that’s what you’re doing though. I’d just do it for his sake and fir the health of the rest of the family iyswim.

Looking at budget, I’ve been using Snoop quite a bit.

It allows to tally all the expenses from different bank accounts and out it all in a budget.
Quite helpful to see how much you’ve spent already, if you are on track as well as planning recurring payments (eg it will tell you if you are likely to go overdraft during the month).

Another thing that I found helpful is to put some money each month for specific things (one saving account for each, eg hols, clothes. I have one for glasses as mines are so expensive etc….). That way you are spending only the money you have outside of usual day to day spending.

With respect @StormingNorman you don't know what I can earn.
I just cant get back to it full time until my youngest goes to nursery next year which is why I'm edging back into it now.
@DullFanFiction I cook very healthily, I could reduce carbs a bit I suppose. I've swapped out white potatoes for sweet potatoes which I prefer anyway so win win . Trouble is carbs, especially pasta are a real crowd pleasers with kids and unless you cook daily for a family you have no idea how soul destroying it is to prepare healthy meals for your family and have your kids chuck it on the floor

I don’t know what you earn but if you need to build up a client base it will take time and having been out of it for so long it will take time. I also didn’t say anything about going full time. A couple of shifts in a supermarket or coffee shop would pay a couple of bills and help your husband out.

Have you asked him if you getting a PT job would help?

YYY to this!

And the lack of a joint account is another weapon in his arsenal. He can carp and criticise at will while she has no idea what the financial situation is.

I have been in this situation. It is financial abuse to not have access to basic financial information while at the same time expected to buy food and clothing and necessities for family life.

There is a huge power imbalance here.

My evening job was very ordinary compared to the career I went back into. But every little helped at that stage.

Children actually need carbs.

Our paediatrician got very hot under the collar and said “ whatever fads go on in the world of adult weight loss, children do, always have and always will need a good supply of carbs.”

It’s really easy to just bugger off to work and everything is taken care of at home. I was a sahp until my youngest was 3. Dh ended up being a miserable bastard too. I went back full time working and made sure he did his bit, drop offs, days off sick with dc, clubs, appointments, dinners, packed lunches for school. Was still a miserable bastard 😂
They’re teens now, but that phase passed, I was earning and made dh even more miserable as he actually had to do something.

@Junime i have two dcs, now young adults.
ive done the SAHM, SAHM whilst studying full time and working (self employed too!)
Ive done the cooking for the family during that time, incl all packed lunches, for about 20 years. I KNOW how hard it is to find something that dcs will be happy to eat whilst being healthy.

My comment was not about criticising your cooking. More about the fact you said your dh wants to try and improve his diet. And supporting him in doing that by introducing the changes he wants to make in your cooking could be helpful to him.

@Calliopespa i agree.
No issue here with carbs for children.

Yeah. Ban the one thing that's going well. Result!

omg! I sooooo feel what you are going through!
Why men become some miserable is BEYONE ME!
I'm the one that looks for all the postives in any situation and sees the glass half full all the time!

My man worries about the housing market 10 years down the road - when he wont even be buying a house then - worries about ANYTHING AND everything he has no control over.

I think its just men - grumpy old men in their older age!

Men, we want the fun, living life, loving parter that we fell in love with not this old ass grumpy a$$hole! I foresee NURSING HOME facilities in their near futures - while we continue to live life with our children & grandchildren :)

Sorry not sorry

I feel for him tbh. Being the sole breadwinner is tough and he may not be being entirely open about your finances for fear of worrying you. It is worth asking him about this.
I work a lot harder than my dh (fact not my opinion) and it is very irritating when he is like Zebedee on his many days off and itching for us to go out and do stuff, when I am absolutely exhausted from work and household stuff on top. I am seen as the grouch and it is frustrating and upsetting.

He is catastrophising and as you say needs therapy. He could also try daily positive affirmations (particularly around finances) and meditation to ease stress. He needs to drill down into what his actual financial worries are and what can be put in place to address them.

Eg

Does he feel in control/comfortable with the household budget?

Is he tracking what is spent vs budget rather than just assuming the worst with every purchase?

Why is he worrying about spending if it’s within budget?

Does the budget aline with his/yours long term financial goals and are you both on the same page about what those goals are?

Is he worried about being the sole earner and what would happen if he was ill/lost his job?

Would building an emergency fund help ease his worries?

Would getting some income protection insurance in place help?

Does he understand his workplace sickness policies? Information is helpful rather than him assuming the worst.

Thankyou 🙏

I know, thankyou for your reply I was just offering some insight into my cooking.
When he says he wants to change his diet he means fasting. I don't know what he eats at work that's in his control as is reducing how much he drinks.

The kids get their carbs:)
We both did Hypnotherapy a few years ago. I found it really beneficial.
So he has the tools he just doesn't try, I've bought him notebooks for his positive thoughts etc and he just gets upset with me despite him telling me he wants to start doing it again 🤷‍♀️

Thankyou @mathanxiety
He's agreed to a joint bank account 👍

You need at least two accounts, current and savings.