My husband is such a miserable bastard

[Junime]

He used to be so fun and light-hearted & since having kids he's become unbearable on occasions. He suffers with anxiety which were currently seeking help for, alot of it is health anxiety and finances which I must say we are comfortable as far as I know but he brings everything back to it whenever i suggest doing something fun and if I manage to get him out to do something fun he'll bring up finances if I want to buy anything and we're talking small things.
My husband is the sole earner for the family I'm a stray at home mum until my youngest goes to school.
I get that we have to budget and be financially responsible with kids but he's a real buzz kill.
Hes just so grumpy all the time, we have a great sex life, wonderful children, a lovely home etc etc I tell him in love him all the time but he's just always worrying about world issues and talks very negatively aboutv things, we don't have enough money, I'm too tired, I don't have enough time and so on it really drags me down and I've tried and tried and tried to talk and ask what's wrong but I get nothing! But then he behaves in a completely contradictory way which pisses me off and then things get spun around onto me like I'm the problem , he doesn't take any responsibility. I'm getting really fed up of the constant negativity, he really makes me feel like the bad guy like everything is my fault .
I organise holidays, days out etc for the family I suggest date night's and have sorted a stay at home date night once a week to combat not spending so much and still making time for each other which is nice but for once I would just love him to take the lead and plan something or even have a fun suggestion! it's just so dull. I miss the old us , Im just sad.

Do you actually know how much money is coming in, and how much the bills are each month/annually?

Do you know for certain there are no credit card debts or loans?

Do you know for certain his job is safe?

He sounds financially worried. Why?

Where did you get that information from?

It sounds like he has depression/anxiety - he can't help these feelings OP it's impossible to be fun and enthusiastic when all your worries are constantly going round in your head. Anxiety has lots of physical symptoms too - dizziness, headaches, muscle aches, nausea, digestive problems, tightness in the throat, racing heart, inability to eat or sleep. It really is horrible. He needs treatment, sympathy and understanding. The weight of being the sole earner is probably making him feel worse also, which is why he is fixating on financial worries. Can you work part time to ease that burden?

@Junime do you get to see the household budget so you can share the mental load or is he keeping it to himself in a misguided attempt not to worry you?

You need to tell him it’s over if he doesn’t cheer up the miserable sod.

This is absolute BS. I can't believe that people have this attitude towards parents who work in the home in 2024. She has plenty to be stressed about. Her husband is experiencing debilitating anxiety and depression. It's impacting on her wellbeing and their marriage. Why do you think she's posting?

Why not ask him what is stressing him rather than slagging him off on MN?

^ Have you not read the OP?

Many posters projecting their own shit on here.

100% this. If I had the pressure of being sole breadwinner while my partner constantly came up with ways to spend money I'd be pretty pissed off /stressed too.

You say that you're not aware of any financial issues but at the same time you don't seem to know much about it. Is sorting money, paying bills, budgeting all his responsibility too?

@5475878237NC it doesn't sound like he has "debilitating" depression or anxiety to me.

He's working full time, has an active & enjoyable sex life by the sounds of it, spends time with his dc, weekly date night with his wife etc etc

I don't doubt he is anxious/stressed/depressed to some extent but hardly debilitating.

Sounds like finances are the biggest issue. He has sole responsibility- both for earning and the mental load of budgeting etc, and also has a wife who doesn't know the detail of the finances, doesn't earn but constantly wants to spend.

I don't have an issue with sahm mums but surely the fact they don't earn needs to be factored into the equation when looking at outgoings. We can't all have our cake and eat it

I agree. But then Mumsnets typical answer to everything when a parent is a sahp is to get a job. It’s almost as if they didn’t decide as a couple to have one parent stay at home. Most couples come to the decision together and for a lot of working parents it makes it easier to have a parent at home doing all the childcare and house stuff. It’s a team effort.

You seem very good at thinking of ways to spend the money he earns. Maybe think about getting a part time job now to help out. He might become less miserable and anxious.

What is OP meant to do for money exactly? Presumably any paid activities are beneficial to HIS children too, I doubt they’re just because the wife wants a jolly. It’s not possible to ‘just do free activities’. I work part time to be with my son two days a week and we do have to keep the costs low, but even a trip to playgroup is a bus there and back, £2 entry, might get a coffee etc and yeah sometimes I do push the boat out and pay for soft play or trampolining because it’s beneficial to HIM and I don’t stay at home to just look for bugs in the garden or splash in puddles all the time for Christ sake. I am sure OP’s husband has done the sums and is well aware what they’d be potentially be paying out in childcare. Of COURSE there should be some money budgeted for child related spends and activities but also OP’s personal expenses as well, because they are a family and her being at home enables him to go out and earn with no domestic responsibilities.

a shit tonne of projection going on here from certain posters, I think.

I’ll come at this from another angle, OP I used to be you, a SAHM with a grumpy husband who was always stressed about money and me spending too much. I couldn’t return to work whilst the DC were young as we had no family help and we have a lot of DC.

However, I did return to work and now earn a good salary and DHs own salary has increased to the point we are comfortable. But he still moans about money. If we go on holiday we wants to go to the local supermarket and buy £1 noodles to eat in the hotel rather than eat out (I kid you not). He will moan if I buy the DC ice-creams (to which I very quickly shut him down that it’s my money I’m spending). Don’t get me wrong he pays most of the household bills so most of my salary is mine for luxuries like holidays but you would think we are living in poverty the way he goes on. I think he’s just always going to be extremely frugal.

Don’t feel guilty about being a SAHM, I don’t regret it at all. You are providing the childcare that would otherwise cost a fortune. If you stayed at home all day it would destroy your mental health, you need to get out and about and unfortunately there’s not a lot of free indoor places. (I went to a lot of toddler groups, swimming, gymnastics, Rhyme Time, reciprocal play dates when the DC were very young more for adult interaction for me!)

Did he agree to bring the sole bread winner ?

Not BS.

I've been a career woman - Financial sector.
Then, a SAHM.
Now a career woman again - Legal sector AND a Mum and a wife. There's no way it is the sole responsibility of one person to earn, medical conditions permitting.

I know being a SAHM was a doddle in comparison to working and worrying about finances. Thankfully, my DH and I share the load.

Couldn't agree more with @PoisonMaple

The level and type of stress that comes with worrying about finances is incomparable with the stress of being a sahm. After all, the first one is about your sheer existence (food,shelter etc)...

His mental health can't stand up to being the sole earner!

Get your ass out and get a job!!!

Well then maybe you had too many DC. We had three because that was how many we could afford childcare for with both of us working fulltime.

He sounds like me. Overworked. You sound like you haven't a care in the world. Must be nice! I guess he maybe feels like he earns it and you spend it. Sooner or later the gulf will get wider.

This is what I an thinking. Being sole breadwinner for multiple people is massively stressful.

Smug much?

Why put up with it?

You have agency in your own life.

What's his motivation to address his issues otherwise?

He has all his needs taken care of right now.

I was wondering exactly this!!!