My husband is such a miserable bastard

[Junime]

He used to be so fun and light-hearted & since having kids he's become unbearable on occasions. He suffers with anxiety which were currently seeking help for, alot of it is health anxiety and finances which I must say we are comfortable as far as I know but he brings everything back to it whenever i suggest doing something fun and if I manage to get him out to do something fun he'll bring up finances if I want to buy anything and we're talking small things.
My husband is the sole earner for the family I'm a stray at home mum until my youngest goes to school.
I get that we have to budget and be financially responsible with kids but he's a real buzz kill.
Hes just so grumpy all the time, we have a great sex life, wonderful children, a lovely home etc etc I tell him in love him all the time but he's just always worrying about world issues and talks very negatively aboutv things, we don't have enough money, I'm too tired, I don't have enough time and so on it really drags me down and I've tried and tried and tried to talk and ask what's wrong but I get nothing! But then he behaves in a completely contradictory way which pisses me off and then things get spun around onto me like I'm the problem , he doesn't take any responsibility. I'm getting really fed up of the constant negativity, he really makes me feel like the bad guy like everything is my fault .
I organise holidays, days out etc for the family I suggest date night's and have sorted a stay at home date night once a week to combat not spending so much and still making time for each other which is nice but for once I would just love him to take the lead and plan something or even have a fun suggestion! it's just so dull. I miss the old us , Im just sad.

Perhaps you could swap roles.
You become sole bread winner and dh becomes sahp.

Are you confident there is no secret debt or gambling?
Can you take a hard look at unecessary expenses?
Dh sounds overwhelmed and in need of support.

What @PoisonMaple said. Get a bloody job.

Get a job. I would hate to be the main and only breadwinner. Even if you just pay for all the fun stuff you want to do. I’d be miserable if I were him.

Rather than a full restructure of the household how about planning things that don't cost? Woo him for a while with effort and imagination rather than more financial spend and see if he starts to relax more. How about cinema nights at home, romantic picnic following a local walk, setting a challenge (eg fitness goal, learning something together or taking a new hobby) and start having fun without adding to the financial drain he's feeling? Give it a go as at this point you have nothing to lose.

Depression sometimes manifests as a high sex drive, especially in men

Going back to work would result in more money issues with paying for childcare. I've been raising my children for 5 years which my husband and I agreed on before having children, it makes more sense for us this way.
I'll be returning to work when my youngest (almost two) goes to nursery in a year.
We have sat down and gone through finances on several occasions, as far as I can see there aren't any gambling/debt problems.
I have a weekly budget that my husband has set that I stick to, this covers food, kids activities (which were both happy for our eldest to do) swimming etc. clothes for the kids when they need them, petrol etc not exactly frivolous spending. My husband puts money aside for holidays not me I just organise them
I don't do many paid activities with the kids as they're expensive, we spend alot of time at home in the garden (when the weather plays ball)
I do as much as I can and I am creative in many ways to entertain the kids and my husband.
Now if I can stop justifying my life to you all, understand that my issue here is that my husband is grumpy all the time, despite me sticking to budgets, I run everything by him & work hard as a sahm, My husband knows how tough that is.
I just don't know what is happening, I try my best to be there for him but I also have needs.
I feel like I'm always looking after everyone else and neglecting myself in the process. It's tough right now with young kids we don't get enough alone time but I try I just wish my husband would try too.

Id also like to add that my husband okays all holidays, we discuss plan where to go together after I research places, I don't decide to go to Disneyland or something and just book it.
It's then that we're away after doing all of that that he'll keep bringing up finances, I don't get it!!
It happens in the run up to and afterwards also so basically alllllll of the time.
I always look for cost effective holidays and just generally ways to keep costs down. My husband is not the only one thinking about finances.

And isn’t manipulative in the least.

Quite.

He actually sounds really stressed out. I’m a SAHM and DH is the sole breadwinner but it’s not a case of “financially sound as far as I know” I know exactly what our financial position is. You have to take equal responsibility for spending here. What helps us is that we do actually have a budget that we agree annually.

I think op it sounds as though he may resent the set up. I know you said you agreed it, but maybe he has found the reality a bit irritating. Unless he loves his job, I can imagine he might find you being home all day then jumping round like fun-bunny with suggestions to spend the money a bit annoying. That’s not to say you haven’t tried to budget , or even that it’s unreasonable or not what he agreed to. He may just find the reality more grating than the plan originally seemed and feel he can’t say that so gripes about cost etc.

To which I would add I think a lot of people don’t realise how hard being a sahm can be. Many people associate it with what their weekend looks like since, after all, the children are round then too. But relaxing with children about is totally different to fitting housework round school runs etc.

Despite you saying you're comfortable you're getting dumped on here OP. While you're a SAHM parent and not earning don't you know you're not allowed to do anything that involves spending your partner's income🙄

Good to see that team work is alive and well on MN.

I agree with other posters in that the OP’s SAHM set up isn’t working. In this day and age, being the the classic 1950s homemaker isn’t really practical unless the working spouse is on a very high wage and/or has plenty of capital in case of illness/job loss. Through work I’ve known of two men with stressful jobs who dropped dead in early middle age with SAHM spouses (who lived and spent well).

The OP should get a job and the childcare costs. The dark clouds she complains about may then start to lift.

Does nobody work weekends? Evenings? Nights?. Is OP aware of her actual finances? Although being a mum is a busy task it is not a paid job. It can not be used to pay bills it's ridiculous that people are always trying to make out it's equal to paid work.

I think it depends. Some men seem to get a boost from being “breadwinner.” I know several who really brag about what the family spends. 🙄But op has to respond to her DH and his responses and it does sound a bit as though he is resentful of her not working. Why else would he complain about funds if they are comfortable?

I think “ ridiculous” is unfair. It doesn’t generate money in the same way. But many people find an office a more congenial and far easier way to spend the day.

OP I think you are deaf to what is actually happening to your husband and failing to understand he is stressed. Your posts are about what's been agreed that you're sticking to and you wanting holidays and fun. You need to have an honest, open conversation where you ask him how he's feeling and what his worries are and what needs to change to help him feel better. I guarantee there is something you don't know and there are definitely things you aren't considering.

I say this as a friend of someone for whom the responsibility became too much. He had supported his wife through a second degree and was working two jobs to fund a lifestyle they couldn't really afford. Bought a bigger house which was way more expensive than where they had been living. When she became pregnant with child number three he pretty much had a breakdown. She barely worked during the time she was having the children. A couple of years later he was in so much credit card debt and so burdened by the responsibility and stress he killed himself. He figured his insurance, etc would give his family a better life without him. He was right in some ways as his credit card debt didn't have to be repaid and much of the mortgage was paid off, but his wife is a widow and his kids have no dad growing up.

@Calliopespa OP seems very unaware of her household finances. Can OP actually afford to stay at home? Bills won't pay themselves perhaps her DH is under pressure finicially.

It sounds like you are doing a really good job.

I am sorry you are getting so many mad replies! I love the idea that some posters have of you, as though you said to your husband one day totally out of the blue and against the poor mans will 'right that's it impregnate me! I don't want to work anymore, I'm staying at home to sponge off you and have a stress free life'.

I think you are reflecting because despite you doing the right things for the family, you still are not given any recognition or consideration. The effort that this takes from you, the energy trying to essentially manage and sooth the families moods and meet their needs must feel exhausting. Do you feel like you jump through hoops with no end in sight? Do you feel hope for the future?

Only you really truly know what the situation is like at home. Is your husband kind? Does he compliment you and apprecaite you for you? Does he treat you like an equal when it comes to decision making? Is he respectful?

If he is unhappy in his role, he would hopefully be able to broach the subject and you would both work out a solution together. He's not trapped, forced against his will to support you. His feelings are just that, his. He is responsible for his moods and his actions and how they effect the rest of the household. Please don't get into this mode of trying to sooth him and his negativity. It could be a way of keeping all your attention on him, minimising your own feelings, forcing you to put your needs last. Do other behaviour fit this pattern? That is not good for anyone. You need to be calm and clear to focus on what's really important in your life.

Good luck, I hope you can find some time for yourself, despite what others here have told you, you are worthy of free time and what you do is very important x

I agree @NigelHarmansNewWife

It’s easy to be idealistic and to look back on one’s own upbringing from the 70s/80s but times have changed. Those two guys who died were living like ‘swans’- floating serenely along but beneath the surface furiously paddling to pay for an affluent big mortgage/nice cars and holidays lifestyle and whose DWs were oblivious (or wilfully ignorant) of the health consequences.

Share the load and get a job.

He needs to speak up then.
Communication is key here.

Yes and I agree with @NigelHarmansNewWife and the comment that she needs to approach him to ask why he seems grumpy. It may well be they can’t afford the “ luxury “ of a sham. I agree it works better with a very high salaried earned in the family BUT I don’t agree that always creates a sahm who spends all day at a health spa and the tennis club. Many sahms take a blow to their career and much more menial work thdn they are accustomed to in order to provide a more focused approach to thd children - and many fathers want this. It isn’t fair to say it is “ ridiculous “ to equate it with work because it’s pretty much exactly what a paid nanny does .

Sorry but being a SAHM in the year 2024 is pie in the sky unless you’re minted. It’s a privilege and it’s not remotely comparable to the stress of holding down a job as the breadwinner.

When I say as far as I know financially, I mean I know unless my husband is hiding things from me.