My husband is such a miserable bastard

[Junime]

He used to be so fun and light-hearted & since having kids he's become unbearable on occasions. He suffers with anxiety which were currently seeking help for, alot of it is health anxiety and finances which I must say we are comfortable as far as I know but he brings everything back to it whenever i suggest doing something fun and if I manage to get him out to do something fun he'll bring up finances if I want to buy anything and we're talking small things.
My husband is the sole earner for the family I'm a stray at home mum until my youngest goes to school.
I get that we have to budget and be financially responsible with kids but he's a real buzz kill.
Hes just so grumpy all the time, we have a great sex life, wonderful children, a lovely home etc etc I tell him in love him all the time but he's just always worrying about world issues and talks very negatively aboutv things, we don't have enough money, I'm too tired, I don't have enough time and so on it really drags me down and I've tried and tried and tried to talk and ask what's wrong but I get nothing! But then he behaves in a completely contradictory way which pisses me off and then things get spun around onto me like I'm the problem , he doesn't take any responsibility. I'm getting really fed up of the constant negativity, he really makes me feel like the bad guy like everything is my fault .
I organise holidays, days out etc for the family I suggest date night's and have sorted a stay at home date night once a week to combat not spending so much and still making time for each other which is nice but for once I would just love him to take the lead and plan something or even have a fun suggestion! it's just so dull. I miss the old us , Im just sad.

I’m on a very strict budget and if someone wanted to spend money that interferes with that budget I’d be grumpy too! You sound needy and frivolous to be honest. These are difficult times financially, get a job or find things to do that don’t cost money!

You need to speak with him and get him to open up about what is happening with him. I am willing to bet that when he gets home from work it's time for you to speak with an adult instead of the kids and he knows all about your day and what the children have done, but you don't know much about his.

Thankyou @Muffinlover2

this

My friend took a part time job after she could see how stressed her dh got when the mortgage rates went up. She took a 2 day a week retail job but it's made a huge difference to them.
But then my friends dh was never a miserable bastard to start with, just a bit low with stress. Their dc are at school and her dh can work from home sometimes. He travels a lot with his work as well which is why it was difficult for her to work.
Getting a job does look like an obvious solution but circumstances may make it difficult.

If he's grumpy now, when previously he was fun, reasonable etc then it sounds like something is bothering him.
If he's frequently bringing up money worries then either he is concerned that money is tighter than he is content with, or he's worried about other things and manifesting that through "money worries".

I'm not going to pile onto the "get a job" wagon. But many families can't afford for one partner to not work for 6 years as it seems that you have planned.

Is his work stressful? Are his bosses treating him fairly? Is his job secure? Do you think he needs to see a GP?

Sometimes it is hard when couples are in different places, to not look at the other and feel some resentment. If he is working, commuting, feeling pressure to be sole financial provider, then when he gets back from work he may not feel up to being jolly dad and husband. He may look at what you are doing with the kids and wish he had a bit more of that. While you may have been at home changing nappies, cleaning the kitchen, refereeing kids, desperate for a bit of adult conversation when he gets back.

Communication and flexibility is key.

Hmmmm the reality is most men do not want to be a sahp otherwise the world would be full of them.
You cannot rule out the possibility that he is hiding something from you. Either an affair or debt.
Many, many people get into debt and hide it from their oh, it’s easy to do.
The only thing you can do is talk to him. Ask what specifically is bothering him.
If the things you have planned don’t involve spending lots of money, then there is something serious going on.
That could indicate an affair.
That would account for him not wanting to spend time with you or his children.
I agree in maybe getting a job yourself BUT that could add even more stress as he would have to step up with regards household jobs and picks ups/ drop offs.

If your situation is such that you going back to work would create a deficit due to the childcare costs, then you're not so comfortably off financially that he's not under constant stress. Yes you agreed this and you budget and stick within it, but it's still a tightrope he's walking with no safety net, and five years in, it's hardly surprising that's made him anxious and miserable. The fact that you dismiss everyone saying things from his POV, can only see it as an attack, still claim to not know what's going on, and are keen to keep this same set-up for at least another two years until youngest is in school, is all part of the problem. He's stuck with this pressure and there's no solution, so how is he meant to get better instead of worse? Can you look to make money instead of spending it? Or suck up the childcare fees for part-time work and get back earning so at least he's not the only one responsible for it all?

How much are you spending on holidays annually @Junime ?

We have had many conversations that I have initiated to discuss his mood/finances and for a week or so it's better then it goes right back to where we were.
He's on a very good wage and is going for an interview in the next week for a higher paid/less stress position as his work load is stressful and his works evenings occasionally so we can manage our eldests extracurricular activitys. We juggle things to give our kids everything we can it's nothing any other parent wouldn't do.
I'm hoping he gets this new job and it improves things for him. He's also seeking out counselling options for anxiety but that is another cost isn't it! We've done NHS (only 4sessions) you may argue that it's a priority and it is but I cannot force my husband to go I can only suggest it which I have done.
He tends to worry about things outside of his control, world issues, things today "could" go wrong etc

He has good friends, he has hobbies which he makes time for every weekend, we share lie ins to help each other get enough rest, he's a good husband he's just very very negative and it's really impacting my mental health and general happiness and I don't know what else I can do to help him without sinking myself

I think that you have done a huge amount and as you indicate, its time to look after yourself more!

I think all couples should be equally aware and understanding of the household finances. Lots of reasons, the main one being that if the one handling the money becomes Ill or dies the other has a steep learning curve to deal with when they are probably least capable of mastering it.

As your DHs seems to stem from £ worries, I would insist time is set for you to go through all of your finances and agree to review them together at least quarterly.

It seems irrational for him to be anxious about money if you are as comfortable as you believe you are so it may be you aren’t and he doesn’t want you to know that.

Going through all the £ situation together will be good for you to know but, unless there isn’t a problem he is keeping from you, will surely take some of the weight from his shoulders and maybe cheer him up

Oh gosh! The stress and angst of having to fit in housework AND school in a day?!
How in earth do you think working parents manage?!

This

Seems to me there’s a hell of a lot of bitterness on here pertaining to certain poster’s life choices and the way THEY do things. Such a horrid side of Mumsnet.

TBH it sounds like he is really struggling. 5 years is a long time, even if you stick to budgets etc it is still pressure and men are very good at not communicating if they are finding things too much. It is drilled into them they should be the lynchpin of the family and it isn't manly to struggle, but obviously sometimes they do. It is an old fashioned view, but one I suspect still lingers on. It sounds like the job idea is a good one. I know you've said he doesn't talk, just wondered have you approached it from an 'I'm really worried about you, you seem to be struggling a bit and is there anything you'd like to talk about?' rather than 'you are grumpy these days'! I'm sure you have.
TBH if he won't open up and talk I'm not sure what you can do. I would suggest you need to share the financial worries, maybe go through the budgets together and spot ways to cut back.

Sorry, you do have a budget. I think it’s just the train of being the only breadwinner tbh. If you are both sticking to the budget then you should point that out and then ask him why he is feeling anxious given the agreed budget hasn’t been breached.

I know how because I’ve been one.

The two are different but not incomparable.

I've never said your grumpy these days, I've asked why he's grumpy on a particular day and asked what's going on but before that I've been more tactful and asked if anythings worrying him does he want to talk is he ok etc He will talk to me and things will improve initially mostly because he's voiced his concerns (usually always financial) but then things go right back to where they were not long after when everything financially has been discussed and we're in a good place etc etc so I feel there's something else going on too I just don't know what that is!
He tells me he loves me, he's happy so I can only guess. He gets mad and spins things alot which I just don't understand, it's like shifting blame onto me which leaves me feeling deflated

To be honest I find working much easier.

My line of work is quite academically focused and I find that easier than endless repetition of relatively mundane and often quite physical tasks( chasing toddlers round playgrounds, fielding tears when it’s time to leave, wrestling into the buggy, oh no the bubble mix has been upended over the carpet just as the salmon needs flipping to stop it burning. “Three year old, can you take this paper towel, well done that’s it, pop it on the mess, no, no not on the baby darling, no that’s making them cry… yes that’s it! Mop up all the bubble mix … no don’t rub … don’t worry , I can come now; the salmon is all flipped .”

Put me in a suit, give me an air conditioned office, a PA, coffee and toilet breaks when I want them, wraparound childcare and a proper academically challenging task to sink my teeth into and I fly through that day in comparison.

And no, I would never be a nanny. But I do love being with my children, which is a compensation for sahms. But easier, imo, it ain’t.

yup!

Nonetheless she does need to consider the DH might be struggling with their set up.

You're referring to WOHM vs SAHM? Well the threads are because the SAHM are posting how they are the busiest people ever, and noone can imagine how busy and stressed they are?

And some of us work part time/odd hours to juggle both. My point is, why are we slagging off other women for doing things differently to how we might do them?

It sounds like his anxiety is playing a huge part in making him very miserable and he is taking that out on you which in turn is making you miserable, this is totally unacceptable. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around him in the hope he isn't so miserable. You say he is getting help, is he on medication?

Op I hate the threads where people stir up trouble and immediately declare the DH is having an affair when they really can’t know; but I couldn’t help but notice this comment about trying to deflect blame onto you… Horribly, that is such a common tactic of people who are up to no good and need to justify it to themselves. 😬 And apparently increased interest in sex can be just as much a side effect as less. I think you need to think really hard ( and honestly) whether he really is blaming you unnecessarily.