My husband is such a miserable bastard

[Junime]

He used to be so fun and light-hearted & since having kids he's become unbearable on occasions. He suffers with anxiety which were currently seeking help for, alot of it is health anxiety and finances which I must say we are comfortable as far as I know but he brings everything back to it whenever i suggest doing something fun and if I manage to get him out to do something fun he'll bring up finances if I want to buy anything and we're talking small things.
My husband is the sole earner for the family I'm a stray at home mum until my youngest goes to school.
I get that we have to budget and be financially responsible with kids but he's a real buzz kill.
Hes just so grumpy all the time, we have a great sex life, wonderful children, a lovely home etc etc I tell him in love him all the time but he's just always worrying about world issues and talks very negatively aboutv things, we don't have enough money, I'm too tired, I don't have enough time and so on it really drags me down and I've tried and tried and tried to talk and ask what's wrong but I get nothing! But then he behaves in a completely contradictory way which pisses me off and then things get spun around onto me like I'm the problem , he doesn't take any responsibility. I'm getting really fed up of the constant negativity, he really makes me feel like the bad guy like everything is my fault .
I organise holidays, days out etc for the family I suggest date night's and have sorted a stay at home date night once a week to combat not spending so much and still making time for each other which is nice but for once I would just love him to take the lead and plan something or even have a fun suggestion! it's just so dull. I miss the old us , Im just sad.

It’s a huge backtracking and unpicking of the work done by the early feminists. And what makes it so reprehensible is that it’s women against women in a battle that should be women united for choice without judgment.

I think you need to regain your financial independence, or you will either be trapped with this miserable man for life or find he leaves you for someone else.

He's not happy and he is already making it your fault.

You need a solid strong marriage to take the risk of being a SAHM. And you don't have that.

The thing is... If you have a functioning marriage, your husband's workload isn't going to go down if you get a job. It's going to go up. So that might stress him out further.

Two working parents + household jobs + childcare is generally going to be more stressful than one working parent + one SAHP + household jobs + childcare.

If you go back to work, not only will you have to pay for childcare but he'll have to take on a substantial part of the work you're now doing. Mental load, liaising with school, nursery drop offs and pick ups, sick days etc.

So if it's not actually financial stress but a combination of general life stress and financial stress, that could just make things worse if actually you working doesn't make the family substantially better off so you can afford to outsource some of the shit.

We've hopefully moved past women "having it all" meaning doing it all - so I'm assuming that when posters are telling you to get back to work, they're not intending that you should do a "double-shift" while your husband's life continues unchanged. He'll have to take up the slack. Is he willing to do so?

Being a working parent is stressful. Men (and it is usually men) with a SAHW are lucky because they don't really fall into that category. They more or less avoid the stresses of the "parent" bit.

@Junime I understand that you see all the figures and so on and then work to stay IN the budget … that still seems a bit as though HE sets the amounts. You may agree with what has been set but can you see the income and the bank statements so you can see what is left and how ‘tight’ the budget is? For example, does the money coming in only just cover the bills and budget? Or is any leftover and being set aside? If it’s tight then he may be worrying ‘what if’ (as in, what if we need a new boiler, I can’t afford that). Is everything in that budget (saving for car service, setting aside monthly amount to cover car insurance, life insurance for both of you in case something happens to either of you)? Did he have anxious parents who said ‘we can’t afford that’ and it‘s made him the same? Just trying to see if I can see a pattern here …

Anxiety, of any type, is not logical or rational. Just because he's got nothing tangible to worry about doesn't mean that there aren't things his mind is telling him to be concerned about. Is he open to seeking therapy? No one wants to be grumpy, stressed or unhappy but lots of people are because they don't think there's anything they can do about it.

It sounds like it’s all to do with his anxiety. He’s not rational about the finances but that’s the nature of anxiety.

Perhaps if he gets the help with that, things will improve? It’s not great that he blames you for things but I guess that is what happens when you are stressed - you take it out on your nearest/dearest. We all do that at times.

I think you really need to lay it on the line that you can’t continue like this so he needs to do something to change, otherwise you will both be grumpy and that’s not good for the kids.

Unfortunately adulting is hard sometimes. I hope things improve for you.

In his defence, it is stressful and worrying (even if you earn enough to cover all bills and have some savings) to be the bread winner. Maybe his anxiety is making this concern get blown out of proportion to the point it's taking over his life. Unfortuantely, as you say, you can't make him go to more counselling and you aren't responsible for always being the one to lighten his mood. He needs to learn how to stop this type of sprialling himself.

Can you try to ignore it and come out with bland statements to counter every financial complaint? Like if he's complaining about the cost of the supermarket, just say 'yes, aren't we lucky we can budget for what we need. Did you know DS got 100% in his spelling last week?' So you've given a quick acknowledgement and then moved on to a different topic. If he's complaining about cost on holiday, the response may be, 'yes, aren't we lucky we got a deal/booked early to get the best price' or maybe even - shock horror - acknowledge you're both allowed to enjoy some of the fruits of your labour, 'I know, not everyone's able to take this type of time for a family break.'

Most of us have to fit this around working 5 days of the week. We might not do the school run but we have to get them to and from childminders or breakfast and after school clubs.

Oh dear OP, it sounds like we're married to the same man! Although I have older children and work 30 hours, but other than those differences you could be talking about my husband!

I don't have any helpful suggestions that others haven't already said about, just offering a supportive handhold

Regarding my situation, I'm not growing old like this so something will change in the not too distant future! Best of luck to you x

Or maybe he is depressed and would only expect the OP to both work and deal with house and parenting as she is now ‘because he can’t cope with anymore pressure’

I getbthat being the sole earner can be stressful but it doesn’t mean it’s THE reason fir him to behave that way.

@Junime you’re describing the fact it’s hard work to live with someone who is depressed/anxious.

Unfortunately, I think you e done all you could to make it easier for him. Now it’s up to him.
in my mind there are a few things he can do

• GP and ADs
• counselling
• ,looking at his diet
• exercise

All of those things are stuff HE needs to do. And he needs to want to do them first. But he seems that in the mist of his depression, he can only think that the world (you incl) is against him. So he doesn’t take responsibility for any of it. Im not sure what the answer is. There is so little you can do bar giving him an ultimatum - either he gets support or you leave (which I dint think is where you are now)

Fwiw I think you need to be careful about not feeling that he feels/how he is is somehow your responsibility to handle. It’s fair enough to want to support him and he,p him. But you aren’t his mum. You can’t do things for him. It’s very hard to accept. But it might help you step back a bit and not be as dragged down by him.

Because it doesn't always follow. Some men are of the "what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine".

It's a fair point that the OP should be be aware of the family finances but perhaps it's a difference of opinion and he's being tight fisted. Maybe he's not 🤷

Im already edging back into work but it takes time to build up a clientele again as I've been out of work for almost 6 years.
I'll be self employed so I can work around the kids etc.
Basically me and my husband have agreed that both our lives are busy/stressful for different reasons and just try not to add to each others stress by managing our own loads. It works well for the most part, we respect each others roles but like I said it's not all financial I feel there's something else going on, he's always so irritated and quick to anger.
I'm just so tired of bickering and him always bringing it back to me when I know I'm doing my best it feels hopeless

Basically what you’re saying is that he is not engaging with you and trying to see things from your pov.
The problem is that you can’t fight that. If he is refusing to see your pov agd has decided to use you as an emotional punching bad, you can’t make him change. He has to want to do that.

This way of talking about the sahp is just disgusting. Flip it around: he seems eager to have a family and full time childcare without it costing anything. Families cost money—does he not get the benefit of living in the house, eating the meals she cooked, enjoying those children she birthed as well as her income when she is not caring for a preschooler

A P/T job might also benefit you socially which would be quite good considering how much of a misery he is.

I was a SAHM the two children were born close together nursery too expensive. We didn't have a holiday for seven years because that was a luxury we couldn't afford.

I had a set budget like OP and stuck to it. But I also knew how much money we had at any given moment because we shared everything in a joint account. I think her husband is worrying about money so share the load. Build up savings just in case.

We were asset rich and cash poor until we started saving. To this day we have a cushion against whatever life throws at us.

It's appalling isn't it. "Get a job to help out" is just as misogynistic as ask dad to "help" you change nappies/bath the children. It's all parenting and it's all work. Just some of it unpaid.

I got an evening job. Husband did the bath bed routine. There's nothing shameful in adding to the pot financially. My friends also did this.

Nothing shameful about it.

What isn’t right is to make anyone feel guilty because they are NOT having that evening job/‘participating financially to the pot’ as if their input on a day to day basis wasn’t valuable because it’s not paid.

Thankyou to those who have been understanding and have posted helpful comments 🙏

Maybe that’s because she is the SAHP and therefore most/all purchases are down to her? From doing the food shop to organising the dcs activities to organising hols.
Like most women (fwiw 80% of purchases are done by women. It’s like it’s something new or specific to the OP!)

There is nothing there that shows the OP is ‘overspending’.
Rather the dh agrees on a budget, agrees on the hols etc… and THEN decides money is an issue.
It looks like either he is using money as a stick to beat the OP up. Or he needs a course on assertiveness.
But he can’t at the same give the lead to the OP, agree on budget and then grumble when the OP does just that.

My husband wants to exercise more, change his diet etc but really lacks motivation/time. I've told him he needs to find time to prioritise it and there are times he can do it but when I make these suggestions (to be supportive might I add) he gets very defensive and it usually ends in an argument 🙄
I've now suggested having a joint bank account, that was a great suggestion to whoever suggested it thankyou 🙏 it will really help if I know exactly what's going in and out on a monthly basis instead of my husband just telling me.
So we'll see what his response is..

I am so dismayed by some of the attitudes on this thread. I have reported posters who are stuck in the dark ages and attacking you. Very happy to see lots of deletions today.

We should be building each other up to fight the patriarchy not perpetuate it.

Thankyou @5475878237NC