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Original poster

Feel really hurt and used

399 replies

roses321 · 15/07/2024 16:52

I don't think this is anything new to be honest but I just wanted to vent on here.

I've been single for just over a year, I haven't slept with anyone or bothered with trying to pursue a relationship, but I met this one guy recently and he seemed great. He said all the right things, seemed to really have a good set of values and was extremely respectful.

Long story short, I ended up going home with him on Saturday night and we slept together. I left on Sunday morning and he did text me, but barely, and it was nothing to do with the weekend we spent together or anything else. It was about things in the news or TV shows he was watching.
By Sunday night I kind of felt like shit, and I felt quite used even though there was no reason to feel that way - I'm a grown adult, I made a choice, and I went into it fully aware that he might tell me he didn't want to see me again. I would have been disappointed, but I could have handled it.

What I didn't foresee at all, was him just NOT addressing it, not saying anything, not giving me any indication of whether he wanted to see me again, or even acknowledging that it had happened.

I decided that I didn't have anything to lose, so I laid my cards on the table and told him I had a lovely time with him, thought he was a great guy, and I had fun etc.

The response I got made me really mad. Literally not even an acknowledgement of anything I just said, just "oh I had a hangover yesterday and felt shit" (we went out drinking) and then a "anyway got to go to work, chat later".

I told him that frankly chatting later wasn't necessary. He then followed up saying he found my earring on his bedroom floor and I said don't worry just bin it. He sent me a laughing emoji and just an "ok".

Excuse me but WTF. Is it too much to expect someone to behave like an actual adult and not just run away from acknowledging that yes, we slept together and just be honest and upfront if you don't want more? I'm really fuming. I feel so angry about it and utterly suprised since this is NOT what I expected him to behave like, it is completely out of character with how he presented himself, completely childish and I have just decided to not utter one more word to him, as much as I want to verbally bite his head off, I know that it'll do me no good whatsoever so I won't bother.

Seriously though WHAT THE HECK? You dont' have to want a relationship with someone to behave like a respectful human being ffs.

OP posts:
Original poster
roses321 · 16/07/2024 17:42

HollyKnight · 16/07/2024 17:39

I wasn't replying to you. I was saying that when feelings aren't involved, people are less likely to pursue a relationship with someone who has bad qualities. Which is why abusers hide their abusive tendencies until their "partners" are emotionally committed to them.

Show quote history

I was replying to you though, and i think you have watched too much youtube.

There isn't a "standard behaviour" for all humans. Or "all men".

OP posts:
MillyNair · 16/07/2024 17:42

Sorry. Haven’t rtft. Did you say he lives with his mum?

Original poster
roses321 · 16/07/2024 17:43

MillyNair · 16/07/2024 17:42

Sorry. Haven’t rtft. Did you say he lives with his mum?

I did yes.

OP posts:
greenpolarbear · 16/07/2024 17:47

It was obvious he was assuming he'd see you again until you threw all your toys out of the pram. He's probably confused about what he's actually done wrong.

You can probably still salvage it if you approach it the right way and make up some kind of excuse as to why you went from 0-100 about nothing.

Original poster
roses321 · 16/07/2024 17:49

greenpolarbear · 16/07/2024 17:47

It was obvious he was assuming he'd see you again until you threw all your toys out of the pram. He's probably confused about what he's actually done wrong.

You can probably still salvage it if you approach it the right way and make up some kind of excuse as to why you went from 0-100 about nothing.

Edited

Jesus it was ONE earring. Don't be dramatic.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 16/07/2024 17:51

greenpolarbear · 16/07/2024 17:47

It was obvious he was assuming he'd see you again until you threw all your toys out of the pram. He's probably confused about what he's actually done wrong.

You can probably still salvage it if you approach it the right way and make up some kind of excuse as to why you went from 0-100 about nothing.

Edited

Yeah I get this tbf, it’s a lot of hassle for a shag. After a handful of dates and sex after a night on the drink I don’t think I’d have expected a formal text to let me know he did or didn’t plan on having sex with me again

YeastyAromas · 16/07/2024 17:52

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MillyNair · 16/07/2024 17:53

roses321 · 16/07/2024 17:43

I did yes.

Show quote history

You slept with him in his single bed in his mum’s house and expect his postcoital communication to be that of an adult?

Big schlong or tiny after that I would be the one doing the halfhearted ghosting.

Original poster
roses321 · 16/07/2024 17:55

greenpolarbear · 16/07/2024 17:47

It was obvious he was assuming he'd see you again until you threw all your toys out of the pram. He's probably confused about what he's actually done wrong.

You can probably still salvage it if you approach it the right way and make up some kind of excuse as to why you went from 0-100 about nothing.

Edited

I'm not sure where i went from 0 - 100 about nothing? Where did i do that? I didn't share this post with him if that's what you mean. I don't want him to know my opinions on his you know what. That would just be embarassing.

Being serious though... If you had READ my post rather than scanned and jumped the gun you would see:

I messaged him sunday night and told him i'd like to see him again. He was deliberately obtuse, ignored my message (which he's continued ignoring since Sunday night... we're now on Tuesday evening).

I told him to bin my earring. It apparently hasn't put him off texting me to ask me how my day was (last night) and i'm running out of interesting answers. Yesterday I was in a car chase, the day before that I scaled everest and had a picnic in the nude. I can only think of so many things to say.

If someone wants to see you again... you use words.

"I had a nice time, i would love to see you again".

Yeah?

You don't say "how was your day" then go offline until the next evening when the same predictable message will probably occur. There was no flipping out on my part (except on this thread admittedly).

This is not my first rodeo.... I have dated these "men" creatures before. They tend to let you know if they enjoyed the evening and wish to have further contact with you. The ones who just act like they got hit on the head and have only 5 sentences within their vocabulary are likely not interested, or perhaps it is that he wanted to see me and has since smacked his head on a countertop and lost most of his intelligent vocabulary. I may go and check on him later if I suspect that is the case. I highly doubt it.

OP posts:
Original poster
roses321 · 16/07/2024 17:56

MillyNair · 16/07/2024 17:53

You slept with him in his single bed in his mum’s house and expect his postcoital communication to be that of an adult?

Big schlong or tiny after that I would be the one doing the halfhearted ghosting.

Show quote history

Milly i was waiting for the deserved shaming and here it is.

The shame bell must be rung on this one i am afraid. Can I not get naked and walk through the streets though, that is what got me into this in the first place after all.

OP posts:
HollyKnight · 16/07/2024 17:57

roses321 · 16/07/2024 17:42

I was replying to you though, and i think you have watched too much youtube.

There isn't a "standard behaviour" for all humans. Or "all men".

Show quote history

I didn't say all, did I. And actually, humans are really not a mystery. There will be some outliers, but on the whole, there are patterns of behaviour that humans follow. You can keep raging about the guy and try to convince yourself that what happened to you was completely unexpected and couldn't have been foreseen, but you know that is not true. Your very first line even shows that.

Original poster
roses321 · 16/07/2024 17:58

HollyKnight · 16/07/2024 17:57

I didn't say all, did I. And actually, humans are really not a mystery. There will be some outliers, but on the whole, there are patterns of behaviour that humans follow. You can keep raging about the guy and try to convince yourself that what happened to you was completely unexpected and couldn't have been foreseen, but you know that is not true. Your very first line even shows that.

Show quote history

You're aware that the tone this post has taken, you're the only nun in the room at this point.

OP posts:
Blondiebeachbabe · 16/07/2024 17:58

I'm totally baffled as to what he has done wrong. You seem so angry about nothing. All the shouting (CAPS) and swearing. Sounds like you are about to totally fuck up what could have been a nice relationship, by acting like an absolute weirdo. You had sex. Jeezo, it's no big deal. It's not like he then went cold. Honestly, if you don't tone it down, he's going to run a mile.

Psychoticbreak · 16/07/2024 17:59

I hear you OP I do. A bit of respect like. I have to dash off but will be back. Christ some people seriously are judgemental.

Original poster
roses321 · 16/07/2024 18:00

Blondiebeachbabe · 16/07/2024 17:58

I'm totally baffled as to what he has done wrong. You seem so angry about nothing. All the shouting (CAPS) and swearing. Sounds like you are about to totally fuck up what could have been a nice relationship, by acting like an absolute weirdo. You had sex. Jeezo, it's no big deal. It's not like he then went cold. Honestly, if you don't tone it down, he's going to run a mile.

Highly fucking doubt it. But thanks for the input.

OP posts:
Laundryliar · 16/07/2024 18:02

I think some people have this weird expectation that relationships will be like in movies, all flirty messages etc... In real life? Thats not what matters. I actually think the fact he texted you about mundane stuff shows he's comfortable with you, wants to discuss things he's found interesting, because he enjoys your company? That's the stuff that endures through years of marriage, not the cutesy/soppy messages the morning after sex saying 'i had a great time' - thats surely the sort of thing 19yr olds send each other? At nearly 40 sex shouldnt be such a big deal?

HollyKnight · 16/07/2024 18:03

roses321 · 16/07/2024 17:58

You're aware that the tone this post has taken, you're the only nun in the room at this point.

Show quote history

Ha. Definitely not a nun. Just someone who doesn't deflect my feelings of shame and embarrassment on other people. You made a decision. You regret that decision. Get over it.

BirthdayRainbow · 16/07/2024 18:03

"I don't know how much actual biological evidence there is for a man losing interest in you after sex."

This seemed to be a thing when I was at school. A boy slept with a girl then don't want to see her again. Suddenly she was a bad person for having sex with him...

YeastyAromas · 16/07/2024 18:06

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
roses321 · 16/07/2024 18:08

Laundryliar · 16/07/2024 18:02

I think some people have this weird expectation that relationships will be like in movies, all flirty messages etc... In real life? Thats not what matters. I actually think the fact he texted you about mundane stuff shows he's comfortable with you, wants to discuss things he's found interesting, because he enjoys your company? That's the stuff that endures through years of marriage, not the cutesy/soppy messages the morning after sex saying 'i had a great time' - thats surely the sort of thing 19yr olds send each other? At nearly 40 sex shouldnt be such a big deal?

Nah... I don't agree.

I think if the tone doesn't change much then sure, but the tone changed, he cooled off significantly (and that was before I allegedly threw all my toys out of the pram), he ignored my message acknowleging him. I mean i dunno, how many times do I have to say it?

I'm assuming we have one raft of people here who sex means something to and that actually acknowledge it as in "I had a nice night would you like to see me again" and another raft are of the view that they'll have a bit of cock with their morning coffee and no big shakes.

Depends on your views no?

I get where you're coming from, but my issue is the tone change from him and that's what I think people are missing here. If it was all bantering and the same as normal after the fact then i agree totally with you actually yes. This isn't what happened though.

OP posts:
Original poster
roses321 · 16/07/2024 18:09

HollyKnight · 16/07/2024 18:03

Ha. Definitely not a nun. Just someone who doesn't deflect my feelings of shame and embarrassment on other people. You made a decision. You regret that decision. Get over it.

Show quote history

Thank you for telling me how I feel.

What fun you must be at parties.

OP posts:
Original poster
roses321 · 16/07/2024 18:10

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I applaud you for all the gardening references.

OP posts:
Laundryliar · 16/07/2024 18:11

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

But he hadnt gone to ground? He was messaging her? He wasnt ghosting her.

She didnt text him first thing the next morning to say she'd had a great time - why is it on him to do that? He might have spent all day wondering how to play it because he didnt get a message like that from her!!!
She was at his, what did she say when she left, how did she leave things?

Its not about self respect, the fact is generally by 40 if youve been in any sort of longer term relationship you've probably had sex quite a bit and its not the wow moment in a budding relationship that it is when you're younger?

PuddlesPityParty · 16/07/2024 18:16

Fucking hell OP. You’ve come across awfully on this thread - just because someone disagrees with you isn’t an excuse to attack them. I think he’s had a lucky escape tbh.

Original poster
roses321 · 16/07/2024 18:17

Laundryliar · 16/07/2024 18:11

But he hadnt gone to ground? He was messaging her? He wasnt ghosting her.

She didnt text him first thing the next morning to say she'd had a great time - why is it on him to do that? He might have spent all day wondering how to play it because he didnt get a message like that from her!!!
She was at his, what did she say when she left, how did she leave things?

Its not about self respect, the fact is generally by 40 if youve been in any sort of longer term relationship you've probably had sex quite a bit and its not the wow moment in a budding relationship that it is when you're younger?

Show quote history

Yes so you haven't read what i've said have you.

Yes I DID text him the next day to say i'd had a great time. He ignored it. Please read things!

So I slept with him Saturday night
Went home Sunday
Text him Sunday night to say I had a great time it'd be lovely to see you again thanks for having me.
Left on read by him.
Next day (Monday now) I get a message "I had a hangover yesterday, off to work, chat later".
I told him at this point absolutely not necessary becuase he'd left me on read, avoided my message, ignored what I'd said.

He told me he found my earring. I told him to bin the earring.
He text me last night (monday night) to say "how was your day"
I replied fine thanks and how was yours
"Yeah great i'm knackered off to sleep".

Nothing since.

This is not the behaviour of a guy who is particularly on the market for a relationship.
Prior to that he was texting all the time, lots of discussion, making an effort to talk and ask questions.

So now we're on Tuesday and i haven't heard from him today, and if i do it'll be "how was ur day". I deleted his number this morning. not interested. It is not my bag.

OP posts: