Feel really hurt and used

[roses321]

I don't think this is anything new to be honest but I just wanted to vent on here.

I've been single for just over a year, I haven't slept with anyone or bothered with trying to pursue a relationship, but I met this one guy recently and he seemed great. He said all the right things, seemed to really have a good set of values and was extremely respectful.

Long story short, I ended up going home with him on Saturday night and we slept together. I left on Sunday morning and he did text me, but barely, and it was nothing to do with the weekend we spent together or anything else. It was about things in the news or TV shows he was watching.
By Sunday night I kind of felt like shit, and I felt quite used even though there was no reason to feel that way - I'm a grown adult, I made a choice, and I went into it fully aware that he might tell me he didn't want to see me again. I would have been disappointed, but I could have handled it.

What I didn't foresee at all, was him just NOT addressing it, not saying anything, not giving me any indication of whether he wanted to see me again, or even acknowledging that it had happened.

I decided that I didn't have anything to lose, so I laid my cards on the table and told him I had a lovely time with him, thought he was a great guy, and I had fun etc.

The response I got made me really mad. Literally not even an acknowledgement of anything I just said, just "oh I had a hangover yesterday and felt shit" (we went out drinking) and then a "anyway got to go to work, chat later".

I told him that frankly chatting later wasn't necessary. He then followed up saying he found my earring on his bedroom floor and I said don't worry just bin it. He sent me a laughing emoji and just an "ok".

Excuse me but WTF. Is it too much to expect someone to behave like an actual adult and not just run away from acknowledging that yes, we slept together and just be honest and upfront if you don't want more? I'm really fuming. I feel so angry about it and utterly suprised since this is NOT what I expected him to behave like, it is completely out of character with how he presented himself, completely childish and I have just decided to not utter one more word to him, as much as I want to verbally bite his head off, I know that it'll do me no good whatsoever so I won't bother.

Seriously though WHAT THE HECK? You dont' have to want a relationship with someone to behave like a respectful human being ffs.

I think it's the earring comment. Saying 'ok' when you said to bin it rather than offering to return it- he's not interested is he. I suspect the reason he's still maintaining some comms is that he wants the option of another round at some point (of his choosing)

But he's not being honest and upfront about that is he. As you say no respect and I would be upset/offended too

Yeah... I know. I was happy to bin the earrings anyway, they were pretty cheap and I didn't like them that much anyway.

I reckon you're right, I think he's maintaining comms for that reason. Good luck to him to be honest, I'll tell him i'm on a date and unavailable. #staytoxic

Sex and feelings are very different things for men. Sex is sex and relationships are about feelings. In general, if a man "gets" sex from a woman he doesn't have feelings for yet, he's less likely to bother pursuing a relationship with her because why would he? He got what he wanted. There is no need for him to put in any more effort with someone he isn't emotionally connected with.

Of course there are women who will say, "I slept with my DH on the first night we met and we've just celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary". But if you ask most people, men and women, they'll tell you that in their experience, men lose interest in the women they have sex with too early. Men will wait for a woman they have feelings for.

TLDR: In general, if you want a relationship with a man and not just casual sex, don't have sex with him until there is a relationship there.

I think the opposite- if a man likes and fancies you, the sex is good and he is open to/looking for a relationship I suspect he'd be delighted that the woman feels the same way and it wouldn't matter if sex was first date/third date or whenever. He would want more not less!

Yeah I see both sides of the coin with this.

I agree with Holly to a degree, but I also think that the real reason you'd hold back on sex is so you DON'T end up like moi. Thrice rogered and furious.

I don't know how much actual biological evidence there is for a man losing interest in you after sex. I know John Gray (Mars/venus guy) shouts about this and claims there is some sort of biological reason why, but I largely put his work down to a load of balls if truth be told. He asked his own wife for an open relationship ffs so i'm not sure if he's a good benchmark for "all men". He also seems to have a penchant for hallucinogens.

I do think if a guy likes you then largely it shouldn't matter really. I don't think you should have sex on a first date, I think that's a bit much, this was a third date and it was still a bit early for me to be honest, but if he was interested in more he'd be interested in more. He isn't interested in more and that's all there is to it.
He'll keep me on speed dial for the next time he's bored of course, I know that, but that's less because I had sex with him and more to do with what's going on in his own life i think.

I mean let's face it, if I was a 39 year old man living with my mother and sleeping in a single bed every night in a very sad looking room, earning not enough to rent and having no goal in my life, I wouldn't be out there looking for a wife either. I'd be looking for a fuck, or at best someone to support the lifestyle I wanted to live which is how I'd imagine it would go with him if he ever did "want more".

He should go into porn to be honest, he could have all the hookups he wanted and would probably earn more. Even if he has nothing going for him, he does have one "hidden talent". I was rather gobsmacked to be honest.

The op has admitted to being just as bad though. She's still messaging him and not told him she's no longer interested because he didn't bother responding.

For everyone saying he's playing games or whatever, op is being just as bad. If you were really so annoyed by him, you would've text him to say you were done and blocked him by now. Or just ghosted him already.

Is that your experience though or just your logical thinking? It's a bit risky to hope that the first time you have sex with a man - who doesn't have feelings with you - is good enough for him to stick around? And vice versa. Bad sex can be worked on, but only if the person is worth the effort, and like I said, people are less likely to want to put the effort in with someone they aren't emotionally attached to.

Why do you think people hide their flaws at the start? They know the other person would walk away if they knew what an asshole they really are. But it's much harder to walk away from someone when you have feelings for them. You only need to look at how many people still love the abusive assholes they are with.

Have you read the entire thread here including me being lambasted for "jumping to conclusions" and now that I've taken THAT advice on board YOU are lambasting me for holding out another day because several people suggested "you're expecting too much... stop being a f'ing diva, he's still messaging you"

F'ing hell.

@roses321 He should go into porn to be honest, he could have all the hookups he wanted and would probably earn more. Even if he has nothing going for him, he does have one "hidden talent". I was rather gobsmacked to be honest.

jeezschrist girl… so keep him as a fuck buddy while you continue looking for Mr right. You only live once :-)

A bit of both @HollyKnight

Although probably due to ingrained beliefs if I really like someone I have 'waited' (3rd date often). But I've also had men wanting more after a ONS and I haven't been interested. I've also waited months. For me it's made no difference

Oh sex on a first date is fine if you yourself are only interested in it being sex and nothing more. It's only a problem if you want more and think having sex with him will make him want more. I know a lot of women think that if they don't have sex fast the guy will lose interest. Which is true. But having sex fast won't actually make them more interested in a relationship. You just kind of end up in a "casual sex" box. Men will actually wait for women they really like.

Men tend to find it a lot easier to have sex with women they don't particularly have feelings for than women do.

Sorry where are you going with this exactly?

Abuse is far more complicated than you're making it, have you had experience of this? do you know the dynamics of abuse.

What's better Holly? You match with someone online, you get to know them, you don't sleep with them, you really like each other then 3 months later you sleep together and they turn out to be a bastard.

That's 3 months of bonding and energy wasted.

Or

You match with a guy online, you go on 3 dates with them, you sleep with them on the third date. They turn out to be a bastard because they don't call you after sex.

let's say that's 1 month of energy wasted

You're making it sound very simple. It isn't.

You don't hold out on having sex with someone in order to find out if they are "worthy". If they're worthy, you'll know. Regardless.

Some guys will stick with you after sex on a first date and you'll get married.
Some guys will disappear after 3 dates if you don't sleep with them
Some guys will disappear after you've had sex with them on a third date, first date or 10th date.

There is no magic fucking formula. Abusers and the bog standard fuck boy are not the same animal. Stop conflating things and trying to create some sort of magic formula - there isn't one.

🤣😂🤣

(this thread starts making sense finally 🤣)

Significant. Although I do have a tape measure in my bag, it just didn't seem particularly appropriate at the time.

Not today.

I'd keep him as a FB too!

How very dare you!

You are agreeing with what I'm saying though. It's not the sex that makes people pursue a relationship with you. It's whether feelings develop or not. Only have sex if you want to have sex, not because you think it will progress to a relationship.

Are we not supposed to be about standards on mumsnet ladies?

I mean to be honest... it isn't my first rodeo and my jaw literally fell on the floor when i saw that thing. I was intimidated!!

I'm unsure as to how it would all fit in the frame to be honest 😂

I wasn't replying to you. I was saying that when feelings aren't involved, people are less likely to pursue a relationship with someone who has bad qualities. Which is why abusers hide their abusive tendencies until their "partners" are emotionally committed to them.