DH is upset and this has changed my view of PIL ☹️

[OrangeWaffle]

DH has two older sisters. His parents provided childcare for the oldest one and for the last few years have provided childcare for the middle sister. DH has always assumed that when we had a baby, they would again offer to do childcare. I have been on MN for years however so I have never assumed this would be the case.

Well, I am pregnant and at the weekend, MIL contacted DH out of the blue to let us know that PIL wouldn’t be providing any childcare to us “due to their childcare commitments” to his older (middle) sister. For context, they have provided full days of childcare to our niece and nephew when they were young and now they are at school they do all drop offs and pick ups. DSIL and DBIL have never had to pay for childcare.

Well, DH is broken hearted. Some actions and comments over the years (since childhood) have made him think he isn’t the ‘golden child’ and this seems to have cemented it. On the one hand, I think DPIL have every right to carry on with their commitments. On the other hand a bit of me does think, perhaps for once DSIL and DBIL could arrange their own childcare, and PIL could treat their own children fairly?!

I worry that this is going to affect things for DH’s relationship with his parents going forward, any advice on how I can support him?

I am seriously wondering if the posters saying the wrap around care the ILs are providing is an easy gig have ever recruited someone to do this role or managed someone in it/relied on someone to do it. It's a huge luxury to the couple to have this on tap and the PIL will know it's demanding in its own right. They just WANT to do it, they are used to doing it, and that's how it will remain by the looks of things.

I don't see it as unfair tbh. It is impossible to do the exact same thing for all your children at different times. Time doesn't stand still when you become a grandparent. People age and their circumstances change. The OP's PIL aren't as young nor do they have as much free time as they did when their first grandchild came along. Looking after a baby now is not the same as looking after a baby 6+ years ago. (I'm only in my 40s and a new baby now would wreck me compared to 10 years ago!)

So the only way to truly be fair is to not provide any childcare right from the start, even if you are fit and able to, just in case one of your other children might have a child way in the future. But this is also ridiculous. You cannot live your life by what choices your adult children may or may not make in the future.

Do you think it could in part be that they’re happy looking after older children but find the idea of going back to the early years too much to manage? Like your DH I’d be hurt tbh but maybe this is part of it. If I were your DH I’d say to my parents that I’m worried they won’t bond with my baby like my sister’s children and take it from there . Rather than framing it as a childcare issue

Its a shame they couldn't 'split' it up and so maybe look after yours a couple of days a week

Maybe they'e much older now and feel like they can't do it any more.
Looking after a baby/toddler 2 days a week is exhausting for most 70 year olds. When do they get to retire from childcare?

I understand why he feels upset. I'm the youngest of 5 and have many times felt like I've gotten less of my mum than my siblings just from being born last, and am so aware that my children will too. It sucks, it's not fair and there's nothing to do about it.

I think your husband may have overreacted. Collecting children from school is nowhere near as tiring as providing all day care for a baby. Maybe now they are older they realise that they would not be able to care all day for a baby or a toddler. Carrying on with a commitment to do school pick ups is different from providing full-time daycare .
I love my children equally but if my youngest had a baby now I don't feel fit enough to provide childcare although I did for my older grandchildren and do school runs. It certainly doesn't mean my youngest doesn't matter to me it means I am older than I was eleven years ago!

I understand both sides tbh. I have 3 children and my mil provided all childcare for sil. When I was pregnant with first she told us that she was too old and tired to help us. Fair enough. But, when bil then started a family she provided all childcare for him. She told us she was doing it as childcare is very expensive. No shit sherlock!

Anyway. I am now a grandma. Dh and I help with granddaughter. When she was a baby we were completely exhausted at the end of the day. It's much easier now she's 3, but another baby is on the way. We will be looking after 2. We won't say no, but we're both very daunted at the prospect.

That is a hell of a commitment your PIl have re the middle child’s children. I don’t even do all pick up and drop-offs for my own children. I think it would be far fairer if they dropped down some of middle child’s stuff and offered to be on hand for emergencies/evening baby sitting if they aren’t up for a full day of childcare.

5 days of childcare versus 0 is a very significant disparity.

I have never had regular childcare from grandparents so absolutely get it is not a given but this arrangement feels really unfair.

And will be even poorer after paying for childcare

I can’t understand why they don’t just do a few hours in the morning and will deliver baby to nursery in the afternoon and then let your sil and BIL find wrap around care for pick ups from school only. That would be fairest

It would go somewhere to alleviating the eye watering cost of childcare and make it not look like they have singled out your dh to not receive anything

I think sometimes parents don’t understand how hurtful it is to adult children when they help one child out but leave the other to fend for themselves
Then they wonder why children no longer celebrate special occasions with them or talk to them

I can see why your husband is upset and emotionally I don't blame him. However I also think that objectively, presumably niece a nephew are at least 3 possibly more like 5 or 6, which is a significant amount older for elderly people. Your in-laws may be very justified in feeling less able to cope with the demands of a baby, even if they are not "sick" they may well not feel they have the energy to be dealing with a crawler trying to eat everything they can pick up all day! Also trying to meet the needs of a baby while doing a school run is way more stressful. I mean granted, many parents and childminders manage it, but it's much more stressful than just dealing with kids at the same stage. Also like playing with a baby and making it's days fun is hard. Like if the parents are not having a brilliant day, the kids have a couple of hours in front of the TV with a snack after school and the parents barely have to do anything. That doesn't work with a baby. I can see your husband wishing that his parents can have your kid, but objectively it's FINE they can't!

The DGPs may have no idea of the cost of childcare, and be seeing all the headlines about free places from the age of nine months etc. We all know it isn't actually true but they might believe it!

If the OP's DH had his first child at the same time as his sister, and his parents refused to look after his child then, then that would have been unfair. But it's not their fault that the DH is only having his first child now when they are older and their circumstances are different to what they were when the first grandchild was born.

You say "Well, I am pregnant and at the weekend, MIL contacted DH out of the blue to let us know that PIL wouldn’t be providing any childcare to us “due to their childcare commitments” to his older (middle) sister." Is DH upset about the actual childcare or is it the fact his mother contacted him out of the blue to say there won't be any when you hadn't even asked?

They could have easily said - you know we can't wait to meet the baby and we would have loved to offer some child care but we're knocking on a bit now and not sure we have the energy for a baby like we once had .I can get their point of view - for all the reasons others have said but the way it has been communicated was rough and tactless - especially hurtful if he has felt like he got the thin edge of wedge previously.

Dropping and collecting children you have minded since young is significantly easier than minding a baby. And in my experience mother's do 90% and feel more comfortable when the mum is their daughter.🤷‍♀️

They have made a commitment to existing grandchildren. It is unreasonable to expect them to change their arrangements to make way for another grandchild. They probably feel at full stretch now. As someone who provided full time childcare for my first two grandchildren I can quite understand your PIL think they have done what they can for the next generation. I was very clear when my youngest child was expecting that I didn’t have the stamina left to do it all again with his child. Fortunately he and his partner were realistic and it hasn’t caused any resentment. It is not that I love my third grandchild less, it’s simply that I’m getting older.

This is less tiring than caring for a young baby or toddler.
Maybe they are aware they won't be able to cope so being honest and upfront.

The other grandchildren are older so easier to manage.

I take it this is your first child? Pick up and drop offs for school age children is infinitely easier than looking after a baby/toddler.

100% this

GP can bond with their DC without providing childcare. Mine did

My children bonded with both sets of grandparents perfectly well and none of them did a moment of childcare. They saw them fairly often, but not without us there.

This is great advice.

Did you assume that free childcare will be provided or have you made financial arrangements for childcare?

Obviously, like everyone else, I don't know what your PILs thoughts are. But I'm wondering if it's just that they can see the end in sight as far as SIL's childcare is concerned?

It's restricting, as someone said, to have your daily timetable set around school times. If you have an appointment that overruns what happens? What if you want to go out for the day - you have to clock watch rather than saunter back in your own time every single weekday bar holidays.

And you can't go on holiday during the cheaper times of the year having done the expensive school holiday periods whilst your own kids were growing up too. Maybe they can see the light at the end of the tunnel they've dug by offering to help out and they're looking forward to having time without that restriction?

If the youngest is five years old then, reasonably, another six years will see that child into secondary school with school buses, longer hours at school and the ability to look after themselves for an hour or two after school (or after school clubs). So they won't be needed to babysit after school.

But a new baby brings eleven years of looking after baby, toddler, nursery and pick up after school if they're to offer the same as DSiL got. That's almost double what they are probably currently committed to. I wouldn't want to be put in that position after bringing up my own kids and helping with everyone else's so far.

I think, if they said they can't do your baby then SIL had another and they offered to look after him or her that would be different.

We are in a similar situation to you OP. I never expected my partners parents to help with childcare, also never expected my parents to help with childcare but they have offered, insisted really which was lovely.

My partner has step sisters, his mum and step dad provide childcare for these 4 children but we have been told that they can only take our daughter occasionally for a couple of hours one day a week and only if I drive her to theirs and collect her. I cannot do that due to being at work. They collect the other children from homes, nursery and school. One of the step sisters is pregnant again and we’ve been told that with that baby on the way that is why they could only take our daughter on those terms even though she was born before this pregnancy was announced. It’s disappointing that my partners mother doesn’t want to make more of an effort with her biological grandchild but we have other arrangements and it won’t affect relationships within the wider family as we get on very well with his sisters and this has nothing to do with them. It’s certainly changed my view of his mum though.

It’s the same in my family. Mum ensured DS never paid for any childcare despite there being another set of grandparents at home. She also loves to help mind DB’s kids despite their having 4 other grandparents willing to help. I had nobody else but she told me (totally unprompted) during my pregnancy that she wasn’t going to help me.

It hurt but over the years the hurt got replaced by anger and now I don’t bother with them. Eg I won’t see them weekly like other siblings do, I don’t force ds to hug or even listen to them if he doesn’t want to, and they don’t get any unsupervised time with him. It’s a shame because my other dns are getting older and now no longer want to visit them while DS is still at the age where he might have enjoyed being with his DGP. But I’m not going to faciliate the scapegoating any more.

I think your DH is being childish.

He needs to start seeing himself as an adult and his parents as other adults he relates to on an equal level, thinks about empathetically as other human beings and communicates with accordingly.

All this 'it's not faaaair' and 'I didn't ask to be the youngest' nonsense is literally childish.

His parents are not robotic service providers, they are people.