Why didn’t I meet my Brother-in-law first

[Anonymous546]

I feel awful even writing this because I know that it is so wrong. I have gone back and forth on it but decided to try to get some outside opinions.

My brother in law (my husband’s brother) is a really nice person and started paying me a lot of compliments a few months ago when a family member passed away.
He was saying how beautiful and awesome I am and has said this a few times now.
I think he is just being nice as he’s said it in front of the rest of the family and hasn’t truly said anything inappropriate.
We send messages back and forth occasionally but never anything inappropriate. He’s just really nice and always saying sweet things.

He bought me a little gift which I thought was for my daughter at first (a little stuffed bear) and he said it was for Valentine’s Day. I was a little surprised because I didn’t expect to get anything like that from him. It could have just been a nice gesture, right?

Well.. I seem to have developed some feelings for him and I’m trying my best to just let it go because obviously I’m married to his brother. We’ve discovered that we have quite a bit in common lately.
But I have made it a point not to message him in the last 3 weeks or so.
The last time we saw each other at a family get together we talked a lot.. just the two of us.

My relationship with my husband has been kind of rocky (we have some ups and downs pretty regularly) even before this came about. I don’t know how to get back to how it was a long time ago and I feel like he gets angry or stressed really easily sometimes and it’s hard to have a conversation with him at times.

Do I need to just suppress any feelings that have come up? I feel like the answer is.. of course I do. Any advice on how to do that?

It maybe how you actually without realising it gave him an idea

Also just to add, it sounds the same old man thinking that he will pay you some compliments, make you feel special and sexy, until he gets a shag and then your forgotten and a distant memory or just used for sex. Don't fall for it. I did and it's honestly ruined my life and my mental health. Living with it is not easy.

Someone who gives his brother’s wife a Valentine’s teddy is a sleaze of the highest order

@ScottishHeartofgold
are you asking about BIL?

OP, I think you just want to talk endlessly about him. You know full well that what you're doing is selfish and not just a bit stupid but, you want to indulge your fantasies and boost your ego.

I won't post back to you, I think you're being entirely disingenuous but I hope - for your daughter's sake - that this is just an enjoyable bullshit thread for you and you got something from it.

Yes

He's got the whole rest of the world to date.
OP get a grip!

How would you feel if your mum shagged your uncle?

Ffs.

This just increases my suspicion he is goading your DH.

That sounds tough, @Anonymous546 It sounds like you need to work out if there is a future for your marriage. So some advice from Relate - maybe just for you initially- could be helpful. Or talk to your GP? It’s okay to end your marriage if you are unhappy, you don’t need another man as an excuse.

But please pay attention to my comments in my previous post about your BiL. There is no future for you with him. None. Never. Forget it. So don’t let his inappropriate attentions undermine your marriage if it’s worth saving.

If will be in your body language/eyes and you haven't told him hes being inappropriate he's testing the waters.

What exactly is your reaction to his attention?

Does your face light up? Big smiles? Little shy coy look? Hug? Effusive gratitude? Spend a bit more time in conversation? Lingering looks?

Think back to when you were younger and had a crush and looked for signs that they might be into you...are you giving off any of those vibes?

You don't have to literally declare undying love for him to pick up you've got a huge crush.

He is overstepping. Watch Daisy May Cooper's "am I being unreasonable?" On iPlayer. As a MNetter you'll appreciate it, but also, a good tale on why a BIL might hit on his brother's wife...

Sent you a pm x

This has happened in my family, wife left the marriage for husband’s brother. While they were very happily married for 30+ years it destroyed family relationships (obviously the brothers never spoke again!) Brothers parents never spoke to him again.

Children were also involved and it took many years to start to rebuild those relationships & they never fully recovered.

Don’t do it. Leave your marriage if it’s beyond repair but don’t entertain the fantasy of a relationship with the BIL.

He didn’t seem to notice, honestly. Even when BIL talked about it later that night in front of him and mentioned it’s tag name.. he didn’t pay it any attention.

I know of two sets of people where a woman left her husband for his brother.

First one, in my DH’s extended family (v posh), it happened 20y ago and they are now in their 60s, happily married. All swept under the carpet.

Second one was awkward as the first husband was still in love with his ex but as he and his brother had the same friends he had to be with the happy couple all the time. It ended after a few years (other reasons).

I don’t think he knows but others are saying that he can probably pick up on how I react to stuff.

Quite possibly.
May I tell you my situation x

Even weirder that BIL mentioned it again...He's trying to wind up your DH by asserting dominance/marking territory. Willy waving. He could have you/you prefer him (and it's working isn't it?).

Wow.. and family dynamics/relationships were mended somehow in the first case?
This seems like a very rare case.

He knows.

People can watch people’s body language and know they are interested in them or having an affair with someone, or know their marriage is falling apart

He is single and chooses to stay that way

You said it yourself that there is no future here apart from blowing up everyone’s life (and I mean every single family member and extended family members) for a fling at most.

I think you either aren’t picking up on the subtext or you are choosing not to because it interferes with your dream

Your bil telling your dh exactly what he got you is goading your dh knowing that your dh isn’t going to do anything without being blamed for the family gathering disintegrating into a fight

He isn't a great guy though is he? He has no boundaries in relationships.
He knows you as his SIL. The wife of his brother. He's happy to cross lines that he shouldn't as a brother.
He would do the same as a partner, or husband.

I'd be thinking more yuck than anything else

Christ, how old are you?! This is all getting very tedious now. You just aren't listening to what people are saying to you! I've read all the posts and your updates and I can honestly say, I seriously can't believe you're either married or have a child, with the level of (false) naivety you're displaying! But I'll play along...

You've had your arse handed to you on a plate in this thread and yet you're still seemingly waiting for someone to say "hell yeah, go for it, BIL sounds soooo dreamy and you'd be better off with him"!
Is that what you we're expecting? Because it won't happen here! He sounds like a real piece of work that one! Both your thoughts towards him, and his actions, aren't appropriate. Simple as that. Makes no odds if you've done something or not! And you know this full well!
And why do you keep questioning different scenarios?!
Why on earth would your husband pull his step brother to one side to ask him to back off, if nothing inappropriate is going on? Can't you speak up and tell him to back off yourself if it bothers you?!
No, because deep down you want them to fight over you, because you're revelling in all the attention it brings! All you're doing is encouraging him.
Your post title and the content of the post are very misleading, but I think you know this too.

I suggest you have a "little think" about it all, but whatever the hell you do, just make sure you put your poor child first in whatever you do!

OP- I think people are giving you a bit of a hard time here.

Firstly, I will say that its inappropriate for your BIL to get you valentines gifts and instead of viewing it as sweet or kind I'd have a think a think about what it really, no, REALLY means. He is being inappropriate with his brother's wife. Think about what that says about his character and that may be enough to ruin this ideal image you have of him.

Secondly, its understandable that when your relationship is rocky and you feel a bit unloved that when someone else comes a long and flatters you its easy to suddenly feel like, well maybe HE would at least appreciate me. You haven't had a torrid affair and so far you haven't done anything wrong.

I dont think suppressing your feelings is helpful (when you forbid something it becomes more attractive) but I do think you should examine where these feelings are coming from and why they might be affecting you so much. So, you have had some good conversations with him and that has led you to fantasise about what he might be like as a partner. However, you have no clue! Talking to someone is not remotely the same as being in a relationship with them- he might be a horrible cheat or really irritating to live with. Dont compare your reality with a romantic fantasy because they simply arent comparable. Instead of suppressing them, try to think logically rather than emotionally. Logically, it can probably said that you feel something is missing in your marriage which is causing this so focus on that. look at ways you can get closer to your partner and fix the issues that are the root cause of this.

I have dated several people (not in relationships, I mean when we were both single) and I had fantasies of what I thought they'd be like as they presented initially so well. They were NOTHING like what I thought and one was emotionally abusive. So be very very wary of putting your BIL on a pedestal when he really doesnt deserve to be there. This will take some discipline but it will be worth it in the long run. Good luck.

🤣🤣🤣 I knew it wouldn't be long before other users started! It always happens others cannot help themselves cracks me up! 🙈🙈🙈