Why didn’t I meet my Brother-in-law first

[Anonymous546]

I feel awful even writing this because I know that it is so wrong. I have gone back and forth on it but decided to try to get some outside opinions.

My brother in law (my husband’s brother) is a really nice person and started paying me a lot of compliments a few months ago when a family member passed away.
He was saying how beautiful and awesome I am and has said this a few times now.
I think he is just being nice as he’s said it in front of the rest of the family and hasn’t truly said anything inappropriate.
We send messages back and forth occasionally but never anything inappropriate. He’s just really nice and always saying sweet things.

He bought me a little gift which I thought was for my daughter at first (a little stuffed bear) and he said it was for Valentine’s Day. I was a little surprised because I didn’t expect to get anything like that from him. It could have just been a nice gesture, right?

Well.. I seem to have developed some feelings for him and I’m trying my best to just let it go because obviously I’m married to his brother. We’ve discovered that we have quite a bit in common lately.
But I have made it a point not to message him in the last 3 weeks or so.
The last time we saw each other at a family get together we talked a lot.. just the two of us.

My relationship with my husband has been kind of rocky (we have some ups and downs pretty regularly) even before this came about. I don’t know how to get back to how it was a long time ago and I feel like he gets angry or stressed really easily sometimes and it’s hard to have a conversation with him at times.

Do I need to just suppress any feelings that have come up? I feel like the answer is.. of course I do. Any advice on how to do that?

I mean a fluffy valentines teddy for your brother’s wife?! ( I repeat: brother’s wife)

How can you be so won over by such a douche move?

And a cheap stuffed Valentine's bear.
No decent man would hit on his brother's wife {Or any married woman}.

Crosspost! ..Absolutely! Such cheap bait.

Absolutely. The faux naivety is getting tedious. She’s been told the same thing over and over again but still pretending not to get it.

Definitely a case of mention it is going on I feel and she won’t do anything because she’s loving the attention.

Crack on with your dramatic fantasy love - but don’t say you weren’t told

Thinking about something and actually doing something are two very different things.
I’d like to think that I’d not actually ever act on it. Despite any feelings I might think I have.

And I really do have a hard time thinking that he would actually do anything.. honestly.

What if he has said that he’s so glad his brother met me and that I became a part of the family.. he said this to me initially.. could this also be something I took as something nice he said that I shouldn’t have?

You’ve clearly been quite duped and flattered by his cheesy approach OP, but moving in on his brother’s wife almost certainly has more to do with him and his brother than anything at all to do with you.

Did your DH always beat him at things when they were young? Was there competitive tension between them? Because in a normal sibling dynamic this Just.Would.Not.Happen.

The whole thing smells more rancid than month-old cream and I can’t believe you’re being so immature about it.

He sounds like a creepy weirdo and your judgement is way, WAY off.

Why on earth wouldn't you tell him to cut the crap? Are you able to answer that?

Most men will ''Be like a rat up a drain'' with a woman who makes eyes at him- You know this.

You should have said when he handed you the naff stuffed toy that it wasn't appropriate.

@Anonymous546 oh my, you have got yourself a little dream crush. And now it’s time to WAKE UP!

You have fallen out of love with your DH or maybe you just feel less strongly about him? Is it fixable? Our relationship changes when we have kids but you can still have love and romance if you want it. You don’t mention any abuse (thank goodness) so it sounds more like a natural lull in your marriage that you can recover from together. Consider talking to Relate. But first, talk to your husband.

As for your BiL, his behaviour towards you is objectively inappropriate. You need to shut him down. Practically this means never being alone with him and rejecting any gifts or compliments.
‘This is a valentine’s gift for you, SiL’ ‘Don’t be silly, BiL, my husband gives me those. Go find yourself a nice girl of your own.’
Wise up! There is zero future with him. Even if he’s sincere (and I think he’s a player) can you imagine a future family situation with your poor DD having an uncle who’s a step dad and a dad who’s an uncle? Do you want your poor child to live in a soap opera?
if your marriage is over, finish it with grace- for your DD’s sake. But you will NEVER have a happy future with your BiL.

OP, you say your marriage is off track...it makes me wonder if your DH has gone behind your back in some way and his brother knows all about it. And DH cant really say anything to him knowing what he knows...
Just a theory.

Absolutely right..Be your own advocate.

Tell your Brother in law next time he comes out with a cheesy line that his behaviour is inappropriate, and to stop doing it.

And there it is: The inevitable "WOW! You crazy posters have it so wrong!" So then ask yourself why you're posting here on MN and why you're even giving this BIL thing any thought? Because if it ain't no thing then it ain't no thing. Move on and try and work on the areas of your marriage that need fixing.

Since you asked, because every day is a school day and why not learn something interesting while we're here: Crossing the Rubicon is a saying that comes from Julius Caesar's fateful decision to cross the river Rubicon taking him onto his risky path and point of no return, thus marking the start of the civil war that ended the Roman Republic. It was a bit of an 'Oh shit! We're in too deep to turn back' moment. This saying sits well with another one uttered by Julius Caesar himself as he crossed the river Rubicon, "The die is cast". Both sayings mean pretty much that you're on a set path that can't be undone/passing the point of no return.

And it feels like you and your BIL are inching towards that point. Just be cautious. Be aware. You're a tiny bit in denial, OP, and a bit defensive when you don't need to be. But you're the one who showed up with this thread so... ask yourself the hard questions. And give yourself truthful answers.

@IWillBeWaxingAnOwl

I think both of us would want to be able to get to a place where things are better.. but some of the things don’t seem to be fixable or he is not willing to put in the effort to figure out what needs to be done to fix certain things. And it’s the same thing over and over but I’ve gotten to the point where I feel like if he actually wants to fix it there has to be some sort of effort on his part.. which I have not seen in a very very long time.

He might be as amazing as you think he is but in that case he would never start anything with you, so why are you obsessing about him?

Is he taking you for granted?

That depends on the nature of their relationship. He might have been used to his brother pulling stunts like this and doesn’t respond in the way others might - but no way is it appropriate for a bloke to give his sister in law a valentine’s gift.

This is an interesting one. It would surprise me since they are not that close and I wouldn’t think he’d confide in his brother like that. But who knows.

I guess the biggest thing is how do you gain trust back once it’s broken?
As far as I know he’s never physically cheated on me but was talking to someone online and there have been other reasons that I have a hard time trusting him unrelated to cheating. Just lying about stupid shit.

But what is “ anything?”

Buying people Valentine’s gifts is a duff move if you aren’t an appropriate donor.

So as the giving of a Teddy bear to you for Valentines day, somehow passed you by as inappropriate ( hello, obvious!), you would of since mentioned to the rest of the family and your DH that he gave it to you for Val day? If not, you knew it was inappropriate, just in denial on here. If you did, well you have a strange family and DH reaction if words were not said and eyebrows raised.
It's quite likely others will clue into this soon, if they haven't already. They will be watching. As far as your BIL goes, nice though you think he is, he's also not quite right in the head to be this inappropriate, it's probably why he's single. I bet he's a tad weird to date, if he gets that far. Probably has difficulty talking to women enough to get anywhere and has latched onto you, as being family, it gave him a way in to talk. If he's an introvert generally, he's bowled over that a woman will talk to him as he's maybe got no idea how to flirt, so it doesn't happen for him. Could be some ND from him, otherwise he'd know how inappropriate the gift was.

This is either about

a) you and your DH ( you are subconsciously inviting romance with your BIL as punishment);
or
b) something between your DH and his DB where he is trying to make a point to your DH.

Don’t be ditsy enough to believe it’s top drawer romance all about you and BIL. Good relationships don’t happen this way.

I seriously didn’t think anything of it at first.
He’s always been a nice person, I just didn’t think he’d intentionally do anything like this.

That’s why I came on here to ask about it.

In my head I was like oh.. it didn’t mean anything.. he was just being nice.
But apparently I was totally wrong about that.
And it was a big no-no.

Your answers don't match your thread title even a little bit.

@Calliopespa

By anything I meant do anything more than give me a gift.. like try to take things further.
I don’t think he would.

@Anonymous546 I was very early 20 I was married really young ! Maybe age and lack of experience didn't help ! He was older and knew what he was doing.