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Original poster

Would you be happy with this? Presents

145 replies

Sajeagh123 · 10/07/2024 22:59

So my dp works in research and goes on digs or excavations semi regularly. He has just turned from one and has brought a female friend back a beautiful fossil he found. She's not in the same field or have any interest for work or hobby reasons. She was the only one he brought anything for and now I'm thinking we have an underlying issue if hes at the bottom of a cave thinking of her and not me....am I being crazy? Sort of lighthearted

OP posts:
merrymelodies · 10/07/2024 23:01

Does she like fossils or have a child who does? Did he bring you anything?

Or you could just ask...

DoAClassicCamel · 10/07/2024 23:02

Do you want the fossil?
What have you said to DP?

Saramiah · 10/07/2024 23:04

Is it something his friend would be interested in and you wouldn’t? I’d be questioning why he gave it to her not you.

Bluebird987 · 10/07/2024 23:06

What’s with the “sort of lighthearted” part, I’m not sure I get your post. Yeah it is weird unless she was mega into fossils. It’s actually quite romantic, and I’d be worried.

Bluebird987 · 10/07/2024 23:07

Is he allowed to just give away fossils from his work digs?

PistachioCroissant · 10/07/2024 23:08

Unless she has a particular interest in fossils and you do not, then this is not ok at all. Why is he bringing anything back for her?

NotaCoolMum · 10/07/2024 23:12

DoAClassicCamel · 10/07/2024 23:02

Do you want the fossil?
What have you said to DP?

You’re missing the point- she’s not upset because she wants the fossil- she’s upset that her DP was clearly thinking of his “friend” instead of her.

@Sajeagh123 I wouldn’t be happy about this at all.

Thelifeofawife · 10/07/2024 23:15

You’ve said that she doesn’t have any interest in that sort of thing, so this isn’t his reason for getting it for her, he’s done it because he wants to gift her something nice. So absolutely you should question why he thinks it’s appropriate to get a gift for a female friend when he’s not got you anything (in fact, even if he had got you something as his partner, it still seems inappropriate if it’s not a keen interest of hers).
I know you say sort of lighthearted, but you shouldn’t have to downplay how crappy his actions are and how it’s made you feel

Original poster
Sajeagh123 · 10/07/2024 23:18

Bluebird987 · 10/07/2024 23:06

What’s with the “sort of lighthearted” part, I’m not sure I get your post. Yeah it is weird unless she was mega into fossils. It’s actually quite romantic, and I’d be worried.

I said lighthearted because part of me didn't know if I sound like a petty idiot. But you've said what I was thinking, what makes it romantic? I can't quite put my finger on it

OP posts:
Original poster
Sajeagh123 · 10/07/2024 23:20

PistachioCroissant · 10/07/2024 23:08

Unless she has a particular interest in fossils and you do not, then this is not ok at all. Why is he bringing anything back for her?

Well exactly

OP posts:
Original poster
Sajeagh123 · 10/07/2024 23:22

Thelifeofawife · 10/07/2024 23:15

You’ve said that she doesn’t have any interest in that sort of thing, so this isn’t his reason for getting it for her, he’s done it because he wants to gift her something nice. So absolutely you should question why he thinks it’s appropriate to get a gift for a female friend when he’s not got you anything (in fact, even if he had got you something as his partner, it still seems inappropriate if it’s not a keen interest of hers).
I know you say sort of lighthearted, but you shouldn’t have to downplay how crappy his actions are and how it’s made you feel

Thank you for reading all of my post...no, he didn't get me the same but like you said, if he had I wouldn't be impressed either

OP posts:
Thelifeofawife · 10/07/2024 23:26

What makes it romantic is that he’s seen something beautiful/special and brought it for her.
Usually in that situation someone would only think of their partner for such a gift, or someone who has a similar interest and would really value the great find

PistachioCroissant · 10/07/2024 23:27

It definitely feels romantic.

I saw this lovely thing and thought you would like it - a sentiment for a partner not a friend surely?

HellonHeels · 10/07/2024 23:29

I'd be hurt and upset by that. And questioning the relationship and his committment.

Sorry OP that's a rubbish situation to deal with.

Original poster
Sajeagh123 · 10/07/2024 23:32

Bluebird987 · 10/07/2024 23:07

Is he allowed to just give away fossils from his work digs?

Yes its not something protected or rare, it was just a pretty one

OP posts:
Savemydrink · 10/07/2024 23:39

Did you ask him OP, why did he bring this special thing for another woman?
I would have been on that like flash lightening.

Also, the fact he showed you and then told you it wasn’t for you, but somebody else, is really cheeky on his part.

He sounds a bit stupid to be honest, who does that?

IamaRevenant · 10/07/2024 23:50

Hmm. My H does this kind of thing. He has some kind of white knight/saviour/hero complex that means he swoops in to be lovely, thoughtful and kind to his friends (who are mostly female). Me, less so. It only counts when others see it I think. This includes presents, lifts, lending money etc.

I thought it was lovely at first but at this point I just feel overlooked. I don't think he gives a shit if it's not shouted from the rooftops how generous and wonderful he is. My last birthday I got a Terry's chocolate orange, two of his female friends got thoughtful and meaningful gifts (paid for with my money...).

I know he has no interest in any of them sexually but he wants to be seen a certain way in his friendship group. Frankly I'm close to leaving because of it.

Saramiah · 10/07/2024 23:57

Sajeagh123 · 10/07/2024 23:22

Thank you for reading all of my post...no, he didn't get me the same but like you said, if he had I wouldn't be impressed either

Show quote history

So he came across a nice thing that you wouldn’t want, and he knew you wouldn’t want it. Therefore he gave it to someone who would want it. That sounds fine to me.

Waterboatlass · 11/07/2024 00:00

Apologies if you've said but does she have a kid who might like fossils?

There's nothing inherently romantic about a nice example of a common one. Also, if it's commonplace enough that they can be just taken away from digs) , maybe she expressed a passing interest and he's thought 'ooh a willing recipient'. Would I be right in guessing your house has loads of bits like this?

It could be a love token, of course, but if it cost him nothing, caught his eye, and she'd maybe expressed a passing interest for herself or a child I think it could be innocent. You could see what he replies if you say, seriously, 'its lovely but I'd get the impression a man liked me if he gave me that'.

MsDogLady · 11/07/2024 01:49

No, @Sajeagh123, I would not be happy.

It is key (and romantic) that he considers this fossil to be beautiful and special and has chosen it for her. I would be very uncomfortable with his gesture and the feelings/intentions behind it. It suggests investment, affection and significance.

What is their history? Do you know how often they interact and see each other? Is she also your friend?

Bringing such a special gift to another woman would be boundary trampling in my marriage. I would address your discomfort very soon, but first I’d check their messages to try to ascertain the lay of the land. There’s a chance that he hasn’t deleted them.

Anuta77 · 11/07/2024 05:04

No, I wouldnt be happy. I believe that the partner has to come first. And if for some reason, he feels like bringing her a fossil (like someone mentioned maybe she expressed some interest), he should have gotten you something as well. I remember when I was a child, we were thought to be thoughtful and we were given this example of a man bringing flowers to his girlfriend and her friend was there, so he took a flower from the bouquet and gave it to her so that the friend doesnt feel bad. In this case, you are the wife, you definetely deserve something. But maybe hes just clueless. Talk to him about it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/07/2024 05:07

IamaRevenant · 10/07/2024 23:50

Hmm. My H does this kind of thing. He has some kind of white knight/saviour/hero complex that means he swoops in to be lovely, thoughtful and kind to his friends (who are mostly female). Me, less so. It only counts when others see it I think. This includes presents, lifts, lending money etc.

I thought it was lovely at first but at this point I just feel overlooked. I don't think he gives a shit if it's not shouted from the rooftops how generous and wonderful he is. My last birthday I got a Terry's chocolate orange, two of his female friends got thoughtful and meaningful gifts (paid for with my money...).

I know he has no interest in any of them sexually but he wants to be seen a certain way in his friendship group. Frankly I'm close to leaving because of it.

I would leave. Git.

And yes OP, 'I saw this beautiful thing and thought of you (not my wife)' would make me very unhappy.

Original poster
Sajeagh123 · 11/07/2024 06:42

No, as I said in my op, she has no particular nterest in them, no children. It was a I saw this and thought you'd like it, then kept it safe for a week and didn't lose it bringing it home gesture

OP posts:
Original poster
Sajeagh123 · 11/07/2024 06:43

Saramiah · 10/07/2024 23:57

So he came across a nice thing that you wouldn’t want, and he knew you wouldn’t want it. Therefore he gave it to someone who would want it. That sounds fine to me.

Show quote history

It's not about the actual thing itself, as pps have explained well

OP posts:
Sceptical123 · 11/07/2024 07:00

IamaRevenant · 10/07/2024 23:50

Hmm. My H does this kind of thing. He has some kind of white knight/saviour/hero complex that means he swoops in to be lovely, thoughtful and kind to his friends (who are mostly female). Me, less so. It only counts when others see it I think. This includes presents, lifts, lending money etc.

I thought it was lovely at first but at this point I just feel overlooked. I don't think he gives a shit if it's not shouted from the rooftops how generous and wonderful he is. My last birthday I got a Terry's chocolate orange, two of his female friends got thoughtful and meaningful gifts (paid for with my money...).

I know he has no interest in any of them sexually but he wants to be seen a certain way in his friendship group. Frankly I'm close to leaving because of it.

I’m not surprised! What a pillock