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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you be happy with this? Presents

145 replies

Sajeagh123 · 10/07/2024 22:59

So my dp works in research and goes on digs or excavations semi regularly. He has just turned from one and has brought a female friend back a beautiful fossil he found. She's not in the same field or have any interest for work or hobby reasons. She was the only one he brought anything for and now I'm thinking we have an underlying issue if hes at the bottom of a cave thinking of her and not me....am I being crazy? Sort of lighthearted

OP posts:
Sceptical123 · 11/07/2024 23:08

Does he view her as family? Like a sister/cousin?

Sajeagh123 · 11/07/2024 23:10

Sceptical123 · 11/07/2024 23:08

Does he view her as family? Like a sister/cousin?

No but he also wouldn't buy his siblings flowers

OP posts:
Sajeagh123 · 11/07/2024 23:11

Sorry I realise my reply might have been confusing. I meant it Was unusual behaviour as it's not something he usually enjoys

OP posts:
Sceptical123 · 11/07/2024 23:13

Aha. Is that bc they don’t like flowers or he wouldnt make that level of effort?

It’s difficult to advise as there are so many factors.

Does he have a close bond with his siblings? Is this woman someone who has been there for him and supported him in the past? Did he know her before you and how often do they see each other - and have you met her?

RivkaTheBold · 11/07/2024 23:15

How do you know it was a really pretty fossil?

Bluebird987 · 11/07/2024 23:16

Whatever is going on, there’s an attachment there. He wants to make her happy, thinks of her and does special things for her, and she has encouraged his efforts. She was clearly emotionally touched by the fossil thing. Seems like this level of attention to others is out of character for him. At the very least it seems to be an emotional affair. I wish you could read more of their messages as I believe the picture would be clear then

Bluebird987 · 11/07/2024 23:17

Is he a lot older than her?

Bluebird987 · 11/07/2024 23:20

I’m still a little confused about how you know about the fossil if you only saw the one message pop up that said it was the sweetest thing anyone ever did for her. Did she actually reference the fossil, was there more to the message?

MsDogLady · 11/07/2024 23:21

@Sajeagh123, several of us have asked for elaboration regarding the context and history of their relationship, as well as the level of contact and if you are ever included.

This information would help us be better able to advise you.

Sajeagh123 · 11/07/2024 23:21

Bluebird987 · 11/07/2024 23:20

I’m still a little confused about how you know about the fossil if you only saw the one message pop up that said it was the sweetest thing anyone ever did for her. Did she actually reference the fossil, was there more to the message?

Yes there was and a photo of it in her hand but I'm not going to write the exact wording on the Internet as its outing enough as it is. They are the same age

OP posts:
Sceptical123 · 11/07/2024 23:27

You’ve not answered the questions I asked regarding their history and whether you’ve met her, is there a reason for that?

Sceptical123 · 11/07/2024 23:27

MsDogLady · 11/07/2024 23:21

@Sajeagh123, several of us have asked for elaboration regarding the context and history of their relationship, as well as the level of contact and if you are ever included.

This information would help us be better able to advise you.

Sorry, just seen this , but this

Bbq1 · 11/07/2024 23:28

Waterboatlass · 11/07/2024 10:52

But she's not party to every conversation and passing comment. I don't know what my DPs colleagues aren't interested in in full.

It could have been something b very minor such as 'ooh you're going to x? I used to collect ammonites around there as a kid!" Hence looking out for a nice one as a little thing to do, no intent. It cost nothing and he didn't go out of his way for it, it was onsite anyway. If he'd risked life and limb, had to get clearance, or spent money, fair enough but he hasn't, he's found a nice example and a potential willing recipient, even if only a passing interest. Just providing balance as someone has already jumped to leaving him.

If that's the case why didn't he say all that when showing Op?

TwinCheeks · 11/07/2024 23:33

Its all a bit drip feed.... Fossil.......Flowers...... she's single...same age.......

Basically it sounds like he has an unhealthy relationship with this friend, he enjoys giving her gifts, she enjoys receiving them. If they were both single then fine, but he's not and it's disrespectful. OP no offence but you seem quite meek and I think he's taking advantage.

StewartGriffin · 11/07/2024 23:33

IamaRevenant · 10/07/2024 23:50

Hmm. My H does this kind of thing. He has some kind of white knight/saviour/hero complex that means he swoops in to be lovely, thoughtful and kind to his friends (who are mostly female). Me, less so. It only counts when others see it I think. This includes presents, lifts, lending money etc.

I thought it was lovely at first but at this point I just feel overlooked. I don't think he gives a shit if it's not shouted from the rooftops how generous and wonderful he is. My last birthday I got a Terry's chocolate orange, two of his female friends got thoughtful and meaningful gifts (paid for with my money...).

I know he has no interest in any of them sexually but he wants to be seen a certain way in his friendship group. Frankly I'm close to leaving because of it.

He's buying his female friends thoughtful gifts with your money while you get crap?! Bloody hell you should have already left him!

Bbq1 · 11/07/2024 23:40

Waterboatlass · 11/07/2024 18:52

But the OP has already said she wouldn't have been particularly interested herself.

Look, I am arguing for for DP because this has gone one way and I feel it could be genuinely innocent. My DP grows and sells rare plants and will quite often give away cuttings or blooms to 'other women' (or men but there are a lot of ladies into the hobby) at the slightest passing encouragement. He will post them to Facebook strangers even as well as folk at work.

We have a house full so I'm not bothered. A fossil does not take any looking after. Who's going to nick it? What's all this about he's taken care of it for a week, what in his underpants?

I can picture a man like my DP, enthusiastic about his plants/ fossils who has taken a colleague's brief interest with innocent pleasure.

I could be wrong, and suggested something to say earlier but OP to make clear she isn't happy, but she hasn't mentioned any other suspicious behaviours.

The woman at work doesn't have to have a known interest in fossils to have passed a quick comment. It's a 2 minutes chat. 'youre off on a field trip then? 'yep, to X looking for Y' ' how nice! I had a couple of those as a child!'.

OP what is the bigger picture?

Totally different. I'm sure your husband doesn't go away for work, bring one slightly exotic plant back and say "I've bought this lovely plant back specifically just for Jenny". I haven't bought you anything.

Savemydrink · 12/07/2024 04:36

Sorry OP, I assumed he told you about the fossil gifting, now I see it was done behind your back, along with the secret roses, which is actually far worse. So, this water is getting muddier by the minute.

I would definitely be checking his message history with this woman, in fact I would have done that after the roses. If per chance he has deleted his message history with her then I would assume an affair and would be showing him the door.

If on the other hand their messages are overly friendly but no sign of an actual affair, then he needs a massive kick in the pants

MsDogLady · 12/07/2024 06:26

@Sajeagh123, I had hoped to hear more about their relationship and yours. However, based on the information you have provided, my take is:

He and OW have been building an emotionally intimate connection (at the least) for more than a year. You’ve seen two examples of the evolvement of their relationship, both involving his reaching out with gifts, which is atypical for him. I assume that there have been numerous interactions that have progressed their closeness during the past year.

The birthday roses were an affectionate statement, regardless of their cost. The thoughtful gift of the fossil and her delighted, heart-felt response speak to their mutual feelings of intimacy, validation, and reliance. He valued the object for OW specifically and she is deeply touched. He will be greatly gratified by both her appreciation and the photo of her holding his gift.

In my view he adores and cherishes this woman, and his feelings are not platonic. My H has female friends, but in no universe would he be reaching out with birthday roses or bringing special, romantic gifts from trips to anyone but me.

@Sajeagh123, your relationship is under threat. As I said in a previous post, I would investigate his devices. Knowledge is power, and any information you can gather will strengthen your position when you confront him. He is likely to gaslight/downplay/blame shift. I would have considered the roses to be a line crossed, but his manipulative wide-eyed ‘I just wanted to make my friend happy’ swayed you. He may try that tactic again to make you back off. Don’t.

I suggest that you both read Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. She explains how a friendship can shift into EA territory when boundaries are blurred and emotional energy is channeled away from the primary relationship to the new one. He has already inflicted damage to your partnership via his inappropriate investment elsewhere.

I wouldn’t even consider moving forward with him until he gives you the full story, cuts contact with OW, provides open access to all devices, and works on his character flaws by plugging into IC and the survivinginfidelity site.

Ilovelurchers · 12/07/2024 06:51

I think the best thing is probably to be up front. Tell him you saw the message and how hurt you are by his actions.

If he is worth keeping, he will try to listen and understand, even if he doesn't actually agree he is in the wrong.

If he shuts you down or gets defensive you have your answer I think.

(Obviously I don't mean dump him if his immediate reaction is defensive - but if he adopts that position and sticks to it after having time to think......)

Bluebird987 · 12/07/2024 07:41

I don’t think OP is meek at all, I think she is level headed. I would have lost the plot with him by now already. She’s just trying to figure things out and seeking the advice of others. No point directly challenging him, he will play it all down. I think you need to see the rest of their messages, and look for any other evidence of their relationship.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 12/07/2024 07:45

IamaRevenant · 10/07/2024 23:50

Hmm. My H does this kind of thing. He has some kind of white knight/saviour/hero complex that means he swoops in to be lovely, thoughtful and kind to his friends (who are mostly female). Me, less so. It only counts when others see it I think. This includes presents, lifts, lending money etc.

I thought it was lovely at first but at this point I just feel overlooked. I don't think he gives a shit if it's not shouted from the rooftops how generous and wonderful he is. My last birthday I got a Terry's chocolate orange, two of his female friends got thoughtful and meaningful gifts (paid for with my money...).

I know he has no interest in any of them sexually but he wants to be seen a certain way in his friendship group. Frankly I'm close to leaving because of it.

Wow. I don’t blame you.

Glennyveeve · 12/07/2024 08:57

@Sajeagh123 you know about the fossil and the roses but you only found out about these by accident so could there have been more gifts?

Glennyveeve · 12/07/2024 09:19

I also thought about if he could have the White Knight thing. Is this woman vulnerable in any way, or would he see her as vulnerable and needing of protection or needing a little attention or love? It only takes for a woman to be single for some men to see her as vulnerable and in need of protection! I'm asking if he might pity her really? The reason he might not tell you when he gives her little gifts is because he thinks you might think there is something going on. I don't know why he would take the risk of you finding out though.

Bluebird987 · 12/07/2024 10:22

Feeling sorry for her is a classic excuse a man would give when he’s having an emotional affair. A man who isn’t attracted to a woman wouldn’t want her to get the wrong idea by being so intimate with her. You can feel sorry for someone and be nice to them without sending signals that they are on your mind and giving them little
mementos to remind them of you. If it was my husband and he said he felt sorry for her, so her got her those gifts, I’d think he was being untruthful or he was patronising and leading this woman on. From what OP said, she is an attractive single woman, so I’m sure if she wants male attention it is readily available, and if she didn’t like him, she wouldn’t have been so enthused over his gift, and encouraging of his attentions. He either having an affair with her, emotional or physical, or he’s leading her to believe that that is what he wants. The gifts he’s given are intimate. If he doesn’t see that, and if there’s nothing to it emotionally or sexually, he may just enjoy leading people on or making them like him. Either way it doesn’t look good does it

Venice241 · 12/07/2024 10:57

Sajeagh123 · 11/07/2024 20:11

He didn't tell me - mSajeagh123 · Today 18:56

I saw a text flash up when his phone was unlocked saying 'that was one of the sweetest things anyone has done for me, thank you xxx' and clicked into it and that's how I knew. He hasn't told me. I don't know if that counts as the big picture, but that's why I posted on here first

Her reply tells you everything..."the sweetest thing someone has ever done"?

I would be so unhappy and would 100% think this is a deal breaker.
You are not in a loving relationship if your partner is giving beautiful items like that to another woman.
Don't kid yourself otherwise.
His mind is on her, definitely not you.
Do not accept such treatment.

My old flatmate moved her boyfriend into her lovely flat years ago.

Her birthday came around and she was a bit disappointed in the lack of fuss and told me about it. She got a card and a very small gift....(can't remember what).

A month later a mutual friend who worked with him mentioned how HE had organised a cake and a beautiful bouquet for a colleague of theirs....a first time he had ever done this.

She rang me in work and asked me what I thought....I said I wouldn't be happy, as in fxxk that for a game of soldiers!

She was so upset and left work early.
He arrived home to his stuff boxed up and it was over.
He protested and swore blind she was wrong but she was having none of it. She told him to fxxk off and go eat birthday cake with his colleague.
He was stunned and embarrassed and spluttered something.
She was having none of it.
She actually felt a bit humiliated by it.
She didn't take him back even though he did make efforts to resolve things.

We never heard of them getting together afterwards but as far as my friend was concerned, by him making such an effort for another woman, his mind was not fully on her and she wasn't wasting HER time on him.

Take this seriously OP and be honest with yourself.
Are YOU wasting YOU time here?