Would you be happy with this? Presents

[Sajeagh123]

So my dp works in research and goes on digs or excavations semi regularly. He has just turned from one and has brought a female friend back a beautiful fossil he found. She's not in the same field or have any interest for work or hobby reasons. She was the only one he brought anything for and now I'm thinking we have an underlying issue if hes at the bottom of a cave thinking of her and not me....am I being crazy? Sort of lighthearted

@Waterboatlass

It could have been something very minor such as 'ooh you're going to x? I used to collect ammonites around there as a kid!" Hence looking out for a nice one as a little thing to do, no intent.

Um, yeah that's not a thing. Absolutely no man (or woman for that matter) would be out looking for little mementoes for someone on their holiday / trip unless they cared significantly about them and / or are thinking about them.

If I was on holiday with DP and we were walking along the beach and he picked up a shell and said "this is for Karen at work as she told me she used to come to here as a kid" I would be very concerned!

OP having read your update about the roses, this is even worse. I’m so sorry but he’s a complete sh*t.
You’ve tried to push aside your feelings once before when he’s done a crappy thing with this woman, and now you’re questioning yourself again.
Whether they have actually done anything physical is irrelevant, it’s an inappropriate relationship. If you want to try to salvage your relationship with him he needs to cut her off and understand that this behaviour is not acceptable.

I know how hard this must be for you, but you can’t just push it aside for a second time x

Oh Jesus. Yeah you should have put that in the OP @Sajeagh123

Sorry but yes, I would be worried.

Sorry no. Not appropriate full stop.

You don't buy red roses for anyone other than a DP / DW. My DP often buys flowers for his mum but he wouldn't buy her red roses! It's a romantic gesture. No matter how much they cost.

If she was a fossil enthusiast it would be understandable, to think oh wow Friend would love this. However given she is not a fossil enthusiast I would be beyond unimpressed that he sees something pretty and immediately gives it to her and not you, his actual partner.

This sounds very familiar. Have you posted it before?

You'd even feel that way about a shell?

I will respond properly later, just at work

Good for your friend! Talk about being taken for granted

It doesn't matter what it is @Sajeagh123 It could be a discarded Quality Street wrapper of her favorite chocolate that he picked up off the street. The fact is that his mind is on another woman. And as evidenced by the fact he previously bought her roses, he clearly thinks about her (and what she likes) a lot.

I actually think it's worse that it's something so small and insignificant to many. It probably would have been better if it was something completely thoughtless and generic.

It would not surprise me at all if they're already having an affair on some level.

I'm sorry.

Was it a shell not a fossil?

No I was just curious as they are everywhere on beaches but your quality street analogy made sense

We don't have children so this thread is making me think

I didn’t mention the QS paper, but I agreed with the post. I hope you can sort this matter out OP x

Quality street wrapper is a great example, and the fact that if it had been something generic but that had cost money it would actually not have been as bad. It’s what the fossil represents, not the fossil itself. It represents where his thoughts are, and wanting her to have something that will always remind her of him. It’s that he saw it and thought of her. It’s a symbol of his thoughts towards her. I told you early on that when my ex gave me that polished stone and told me it’s because I’m the most precious person to him in the world that it touched my heart and was the sweetest most romantic moment of my life up to that point. Then you updated your post later- her reaction has been identical to mine, don’t doubt that. It touched her, because it’s a romantic gesture, and is about much more than the object, it’s the meaning behind the giving of the object. No doubt she will return the favour and he’ll have some rock or trinket on his desk or car, or hidden away at some point soon, so they can think about each other even more than they already do.

Fossils come from the age of Dinosaurs & I think when he discovered it he thought of her being a bit of a Dinosaur, so gave it as a joke gift. (End of story)

It's really significant that he didn't tell you about giving it to her OP, and you only found out by seeing his phone.

Your partner has made multiple romantic gestures to another woman: roses and fossil. The first is a known romantic item, the second indicates that he has been thinking about her while away on a work trip (and has not been thinking about you in the same way). To me, the text you wrote up also suggests inappropriate closeness.

How is your relationship generally? Even if it's solid and he does lots of lovely thoughtful things for you all the time, he's still behaving inappropriately and you have good reason to be concerned.

Also: he knows exactly what he's doing and that it's wrong (which is why he hid it). Thoughtful effort with gifts is not something that most men engage in, sadly, even for close family/longstanding friends.

You'll have to speak to him about it, but this is a really sad situation. There's no getting around of the fact that he's making special gestures towards this woman. I couldn't live with whatever this means - whether it's just an ego thing for him (indicating a weakness of character), a lack of respect for you (he can stroke his ego and flirt with other women as he wishes), or - worst of all - shows he has strong feelings for this woman.

You know him best, and which of these things are likely.

Agree with what @EveningSpread has said

Your partner has made multiple romantic gestures to another woman: roses and fossil. The first is a known romantic item, the second indicates that he has been thinking about her while away on a work trip (and has not been thinking about you in the same way). To me, the text you wrote up also suggests inappropriate closeness.

Also, these are the two gifts you have found out about. What else has he been buying her that you don't know about?

Oh and a beautiful fossil IS a stunning gift to give someone.
You do not have to be into antiquities to appreciate them.
I was given a beauty from the Yangtze river years ago, it is so beautiful and thousands of years old.
How could you not be impressed to receive something so totally unique?

That he never thought of gifting you something so special is a total deal breaker.

As I said to my friend "fxxk that for a game of soldiers".....it's game over.

Get organised and whip the rug from under him.....but I have a vicious streak and this would definitely activate it.

OP, what are you planning to do moving forward?

Massive drip feed in the update there.

How are you doing OP?