Help and empathy needed please feeling fragile.

[NChangenowp]

I have messed up very badly. Please be kind. I'm devastated. I sent some very rude messages about my daughter's best friend to my daughter privately. She dropped her friends phone so lent her friend her own phone. Friend and family have seen my messages. Daughter also did some. And husband. Mine were the worst. I cannot excuse it. I'm not in good place. I have apologised deeply. I am extremely ashamed. I never did this as a teen. I can't believe I've done now. I think I've destroyed her friendships and mine with the mothers. I cannot believe this. I have had the menopause. It's no excuse. I said the girl was vile. And I do t actually mean it. I was annoyed by the teen rebellion the time on small things. And she made some unpleasant comments. But vile is very strong. Has anyone forgiven anyone that's done anything like this? I'm devastated. I've written an extensive and honest deep apology. Please help. I'm destroyed. I can't believe I've been sucked into teen angst.

They were rude in that I said she didn't keep friends for long. And such. I said she wasn't nice.

You've recognised what you did was wrong, and you've apologised properly (I would assume) and acknowledged to the other parties that what you did was wrong. The friendship is likely to inevitably cool, both with the mother and your daughter with the best friend. I mean, that's unavoidable really. What you can do is be civil and polite to the mother when your paths cross, but recognise she may not want to talk to you. You also need to help your DD recognise that sometimes friendships break down, and to learn how to move on and make other friends.

I think it's a bit extreme to use language like "I'm destroyed" about this.

Oh God, I don't know what to say but how awful and I can sympathise, my daughter passed on to another child that I had said I hoped they wouldn't be in the same class next year and that felt bad enough. The girl almost certainly did piss you off in the moment. I think you have done all you can by way of apology and hopefully the family will accept it however I think you may be right that the friendship may not recover.

I think you are being way too hard on yourself. Please don't let this eat you up, it's not worth it. You did something silly and unkind, most of us have said or done unkind things - the difference is we are not all found out.

You have apologised, there is nothing else you can do. You can wish it hadn't happened, you can wish you could go back in time but none of this is possible. You just have to accept what you did was wrong, you have done what you can to make it right by apologising. Now you need to forgive yourself and move on.

Don't hold out for forgiveness from this girl and her family, it may not come. Imagine how you would feel if things were the other way around and leave them be, they will will come round, or not, in their own time.

OP it's happened, you have apologised and there's not much else you can do. I'm surprised your daughter lent her friend her phone knowing the messages were on there, how is she feeling about everything?

Sorry but you've shown who you are. And why on earth was your husband commenting on your daughter's friend (probably ex now)

I'm very upset. I said she was vile. That's just an awful thing to write in a text. Thr friend was much better after april too. She's been tricky for a few years. But you cannot use the word vile.
I feel extremely upset as I feel I ruined my daughter's friendships and mine with the mothers.
I am extremely upset. I don't know what other word to use between that and destroyed.

That's why I'm so upset. I wouldn't forgive if it was the other way round. I can't cope.

She's devastated. We all are.

She was drunk and feeling guilty.

How old is your daughter and friend? You say the friend has been a lot better since April so were these old messages that the friend has searched for on your daughter's phone?

Who was drunk? Your daughter? I'm guessing they're 18 or 19. I assumed they were very young.

You called someone vile, no that's not very nice but I'm sure everyone will get over it. Stop beating yourself up. There's little you can do about their friendship so leave it up to them. You've apologised so move on.

It's not the choice of words, it's the level of emotion behind it. Devastated, destroyed, can't cope... Do you genuinely mean you can't cope with how you are feeling about this? Or is it just hyperbole when writing about this?

I understand you'd feel bad about yourself and what you've all said about this girl, but you can't change it now. You've apologised properly, and you acknowledge you were wrong, so now learn the lessons about how to speak about people even when you think they won't ever see/hear what you're saying. Talk to your DD about how friendships can shift and change for lots of different reasons, and that sometimes you need to move on and find other friends if a relationship has irretrievably broken down.

If you find yourself having repeated thoughts about how "destroyed" you are, then change your internal narrative and think instead about what this scenario has taught you and what you'll do differently in the future. Don't just ruminate and obsess about your past behaviour.

One message in april. It's too recent to be good really.

wait

Your daughter showed it to her?

Am I missing something? If the friend was being difficult with your DD then apart from the word ‘vile’ is everything else you said true? If so then so be it - my DD was bullied dreadfully between the ages of 16-18 was self harming etc because of it. Her friends were awful and I will have said as much in a text to my DD. They are better now - but if they saw the texts I sent then my view is what I said was true and they need to reflect on how they have treated my DD.

How did they find the texts they must have searched for them???

Its done now anyway! You are a Mum sticking up for her DD (which is what we do!) - apologise (as you have) and carry on supporting your DD.

@cupcaske123 you bbc an call someone's daughter vile. It's inexcusable. Not a friend at any rate. You can't. Thank you though.
She was a bit tipsy and dripped the phone and broke it. So lent her hers.

So just to clarify, did your daughter specifically show this girl your messages from April? Or did this girl scroll through 3 months of messages on your daughters phone?

your ‘daughter felt guilty’ post has made me wonder this.

Could she have misread it if she was drunk? Reading months worth of private messages.
Seems really extreme.

I think I'm genuine in how bad I feel about it. They have been friends for 5 years. She's not been easy, but still. You just can't use those words.
My daughter has been angry with me for four years and kept repeatedly saying go away. You aré stupid you don't know anything.

I'm genuinely feeling very very bad about this.

She lent her phone to her friend for four days. Didn't wipe the phone. Didn't tell us it was broken. As we'd tell her off for breaking a phone. We really wouldn't. It's £75 to fix a screen.

If you search someone name in messsges everything come up.

What words? Vile? It's pretty mild OP. Your reaction seems to be over the top. I'm sure they'll both get over it.

Ok that makes no sense to me, apologies.

Your daughter lent this girl her actual operational phone, and went without a phone for 4 days.

This girl took the phone and read through months worth of private messages on your daughter phone.

Is that correct?

So one message since April that your daughter's friend searched for? OP you are overreacting. If things were bad between your daughter and friend in the past then you were just supporting and sticking up for your daughter. Those texts were private and not meant to be read obviously but that was in the past and things are better now you say. I would just let it die down and try to get some perspective.