Help and empathy needed please feeling fragile.

[NChangenowp]

I have messed up very badly. Please be kind. I'm devastated. I sent some very rude messages about my daughter's best friend to my daughter privately. She dropped her friends phone so lent her friend her own phone. Friend and family have seen my messages. Daughter also did some. And husband. Mine were the worst. I cannot excuse it. I'm not in good place. I have apologised deeply. I am extremely ashamed. I never did this as a teen. I can't believe I've done now. I think I've destroyed her friendships and mine with the mothers. I cannot believe this. I have had the menopause. It's no excuse. I said the girl was vile. And I do t actually mean it. I was annoyed by the teen rebellion the time on small things. And she made some unpleasant comments. But vile is very strong. Has anyone forgiven anyone that's done anything like this? I'm devastated. I've written an extensive and honest deep apology. Please help. I'm destroyed. I can't believe I've been sucked into teen angst.

Oh god you poor thing. In saying that I would probably be a bit miffed if I was the other mother but if my DD had been difficult I would understand plus people say things that they don't mean in the heat of the moment all the time. It certainly wouldn't be friendship ending
The girls will get through it, I understand how you feel but you do need some perspective here

The friend isn’t innocent in this if she has read through private messages on a phone that was lent to her.
I feel for you though. It’s the modern world. I think everyone has written things in texts that they shouldn’t have at one time or another.
When things calm down it might just blow over.

Yes. We had a spare phone. She just searched.

I'm worried this is too outing. I think I'll ask for it to close.

They both had phones. We had a spare.

She searched for her name in texts.
My daughter lent her a phone. My daughter had a skate phone. For four days.

Spare phone.

Tghis is the weirdest thread I've seen today. You, privately, sent message to your dd about someone else. Okay, sure, no tideal, but we've all said mean things about people that have upset or irritated us.

Then, those messages were actively sought out. I mean, why the actual F+++ was this girl reading all the old messages? She got lent a phone. She should have stuck to sending and receiving her own calls and messages, not snooping back on private conversations between your family?

So sure, apologise. But quite frankly, I am struggling to see the issue.

DS got hold of my phone ones. Took some messages about which he had no context (between me and a 3rd party) and sent them to a friend. The friend's mum then took me to task for what I'd said. I was livid. Those were MY messages, MY private data and had nothing to do with anyone else. I certainly did not apologise for the content of those messages. not least because what the mother thought was the content and what was the content was not the same.

From what you've said about your relationship with your DD over the past few years, it seems to me like this might be more about that than this specific incident. Are you worried your DD will blame you and your relationship will be more angry/strained than it already has been?

Then, those messages were actively sought out. I mean, why the actual F+++ was this girl reading all the old messages? She got lent a phone. She should have stuck to sending and receiving her own calls and messages, not snooping back on private conversations between your family?

Because that's human nature. Lots of people on MN admit to looking through phone messages.
Why didn't the op's dd delete the messages before giving the phone to her friend?

Well maybe you didn't say anything nasty about a 16 year old.

DS got hold of my phone ones. Took some messages about which he had no context (between me and a 3rd party) and sent them to a friend. The friend's mum then took me to task for what I'd said. I was livid. Those were MY messages, MY private data and had nothing to do with anyone else. I certainly did not apologise for the content of those messages. not least because what the mother thought was the content and what was the content was not the same.

Were those messages about her child? Presumably not. So in what way is what your son did comparable to what the op has done?

Yes. If we'd cleared the phone. It would have been fine. Daughter did it herself. Like lending a hoodie. She's 16. She'll never do that again.

They were in fact. They were private messages between me and another person that included reference to this child. They were not mean or cruel, but they certainly weren't, "little johnny is so lovely, I love him" either.

And the overall message content was part of a broader conversation me and this 3rd party had been having which was not clear from these messages.

OP said some mean things. Not okay. But the over reactino here, when someone else was reading her private messages. My mother always used to say, "no one ever hears anything good about themselves when they eavesdrop." This is the 21st century equivalent.

I did say mean cruel things. Some are true. But still it's not ok. I want the ground to swallow me up.

You've got bigger problems when your 16 year old child is getting drunk than you said hurty words about her ungrateful friend.

She was a little tipsy. After gsces.

The friend hasn't been easy over four years. But also she been fine since april.

Is this a reverse?

If what you said about her is true, then it is no bad thing the girl and her mum will be out of you and your daughter’s life. The girl doesn’t sound well raised by her parents if she managed to upset you all this much, their friendship is probably no big loss.

It reads to me as though you are upset about being caught more than anything else. The feeling of upset will disperse in time, I wouldn’t worry overly much, you and your teen will have other friends who will come into your lives.

I’m a bit mystified why you are excusing this girl going through private messages. Your family wouldn’t be able to trust her in the future if she has a habit of not respecting people’s privacy.

If they want to be friends at the age of 16 and onwards they will be regardless of what you said.

Let the dust settle

See what happens

If nothing else OP perhaps you might be more forgiving in future if someone else messes up towards you and your family.

But for now you are just going to have to be the big grown up, own it, apologise and leave it be. Emotions are likely to be high at the moment.

Hopefully the other family are more forgiving than you are. If you are all friends, real friends, you'll get over this. It might even help in the long run. Stranger things have happened.

I'm have apologised. I would definitely be more forgiving in future.

What is a reverse?

No it isn't. I am very upset. I can't believe I've been so stupid.

You expressed your feelings privately. You're allowed to do that. You're allowed to find people vile.

Your messages were searched for and read by someone they weren't meant for. That's not allowed, legally, and not advisable to anybody, in any circumstances.

You're not the one in the wrong. The question is more about why you are so ready and willing to beat yourself up, just for saying how you felt, to someone who could accept it. There's not even an error of judgement there.