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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help and empathy needed please feeling fragile.

170 replies

NChangenowp · 10/07/2024 12:09

I have messed up very badly. Please be kind. I'm devastated. I sent some very rude messages about my daughter's best friend to my daughter privately. She dropped her friends phone so lent her friend her own phone. Friend and family have seen my messages. Daughter also did some. And husband. Mine were the worst. I cannot excuse it. I'm not in good place. I have apologised deeply. I am extremely ashamed. I never did this as a teen. I can't believe I've done now. I think I've destroyed her friendships and mine with the mothers. I cannot believe this. I have had the menopause. It's no excuse. I said the girl was vile. And I do t actually mean it. I was annoyed by the teen rebellion the time on small things. And she made some unpleasant comments. But vile is very strong. Has anyone forgiven anyone that's done anything like this? I'm devastated. I've written an extensive and honest deep apology. Please help. I'm destroyed. I can't believe I've been sucked into teen angst.

OP posts:
Original poster
NChangenowp · 10/07/2024 17:45

@MonsteraMama I called her vile. I said she doesn't have friends for long. When she had an intervention at school for not working I said good. Her lack of work didn't benefit her. I said her other friend was much nicer. They are neighbours. It's horrific.

OP posts:
MonsteraMama · 10/07/2024 17:46

NChangenowp · 10/07/2024 17:45

@MonsteraMama I called her vile. I said she doesn't have friends for long. When she had an intervention at school for not working I said good. Her lack of work didn't benefit her. I said her other friend was much nicer. They are neighbours. It's horrific.

Literally none of that is horrific. Tactless and a bit mean, yes, but not at all horrific.

Honestly you are blowing this tremendously out of proportion.

VotesAndGoats · 10/07/2024 18:08

First of all op you sound like you may be neurodivergent? Your reaction is quite typical of someone neurodivergent I.e. blaming yourself. Most would probably stand by what they said but try and minimise the damage.

The lesson is that you have to forgive yourself. When you learn to forgive yourself and show kindness and compassion to yourself first, then it becomes so much easier to have kindness and compassion for other people, which means you will be able to stop negative cycles in future.

OhsunshineWhereAreYou · 10/07/2024 18:21

Look, I would also be horrified at this happening. And mortified more than anything.

However, they read private messages and really have no right to be angry about this. Secretly angry, yes, but outwardly, no.

Within our family we say things that we wouldn’t say to other people because the relationship is built on love and trust.

OP in your shoes I would have said I was sorry they had seen the private messages and that it is how you felt in a moment of anger about a situation that has now been resolved. Done. You don’t need to beg for their forgiveness.

This has been a hard lesson for your DD - her actions have contributed towards this as much as your messages. There could have been other private messages on there that she also shouldn’t have seen.

Original poster
NChangenowp · 10/07/2024 19:46

@MonsteraMama she's a neighbour on the street and my DD's best friend. I think I have been mean and no one will talk to me. If it was reversed I'd be avoiding the family. 😢

OP posts:
lostsole70 · 10/07/2024 19:55

Everyone on here having a go at you can jog on. You know - you KNOW - you cocked up. Your shame is telling you that. But turn it into a lesson for you and your daughter: never ever write anything that you wouldn't want anyone to see on any platform that could be shared. Have that conversation and make your amends as best you can. That's all can you do.

Mary46 · 10/07/2024 20:21

Hadnt realised they neighbours. Op I would feel the same. You said sorry leave it at that I think.

BMW6 · 10/07/2024 20:55

Maybe it's me but I don't think calling someone vile is such a terrible thing, honestly.

Lots of teenagers are totally vile. For years.

I don't have children but my nieces and nephews had their Vile times. Their own parents used that exact word to describe their behaviours.

You meant it at the time so it was justified.

zeibesaffron · 10/07/2024 21:12

I have posted before - but I think you need to take a breath and try to calm down, and think whether you need some support?

Why will this be years of stress? It won’t be - you have done everything you can - you now need to take a step back and support your DD.

Lets look at the facts -
your DD was having a hard time
you did what mums do and support your DD by saying things about her horrid friend like ‘that was vile’ ‘I hope she fails’ etc
Your DD kindly lends a phone to her friend
Her friend repays this by snooping through messages that are nothing to do with her?

In all honesty if I was the friends Mum I would be cross, but I would be questioning my DD’s behaviour towards your DD too. I would want to know what had my DD done for you to say those things.

All you can do going forward is never write anything you would not want to be shared/ seen and support your DD with her relationship (current and new ones). But ultimately and kindly whats done is done, so focus on your DD and your own family and take tomorrow as it comes.

Somerandomgirl · 10/07/2024 21:23

Omg theyre teenagers, try to calm down. I imagine myself being 16 and caring what my friends moms thought of me...nope! who does that. They'll talk behind your back and move on. So move on aswell. You must have thought these things u said about her, otherwise u wouldnt say them. So move on, life goes on. Why do you need them so much to like you, when u say you dont like them to begin with.
And she is so much in the wrong reading messages and sharing them with her family too. Prooves shes vile 😆 cheer up!

5128gap · 10/07/2024 21:43

OP in real life people say this sort of thing and much worse about people who annoy them, never mind upsetting their daughters. In homes up and down the country every day people are saying things to their families about other people that they'd never want them to know about. So please stop with the guilt. You're no worse than most of us. You've just been very unlucky. Let this be a lesson to you all to take good care of your phones.

Original poster
NChangenowp · 11/07/2024 07:40

Thanks to everyone.
I still think that I've said is awful. And I will be ostracised and so will my DD. All the mums know each other. Help.

OP posts:
wellno · 11/07/2024 07:49

I think you're learning a harsh lesson OP.

I have a rule: never write anything in a text or email that you wouldn't want to appear in a Daily Mail article. It keeps things simple.

Original poster
NChangenowp · 11/07/2024 08:17

Yes I've heard that a lot.
Teens love texting. So got sucked into texting as a form of communication. It's evil. Especially for nasty fleeting comments.

OP posts:
Original poster
NChangenowp · 11/07/2024 08:21

wellno · 11/07/2024 07:49

I think you're learning a harsh lesson OP.

I have a rule: never write anything in a text or email that you wouldn't want to appear in a Daily Mail article. It keeps things simple.

You are wise.

OP posts:
Theblondemum · 11/07/2024 08:24

NChangenowp · 10/07/2024 14:35

I did say mean cruel things. Some are true. But still it's not ok. I want the ground to swallow me up.

I think you’re entitled to say what you want to who you want especially your family, it’s unfortunate the messages were read. You say the words are inexcusable but you did write them and meant them at the time, you’re only saying this now as she read the messages. Some girls are vile and horrid so hopefully it struck a nerve with said friend and she thinks about how she treats people from now on. It might not be a bad thing if the friendship cools off !

Theblondemum · 11/07/2024 08:25

NChangenowp · 11/07/2024 07:40

Thanks to everyone.
I still think that I've said is awful. And I will be ostracised and so will my DD. All the mums know each other. Help.

The other mums probably agree with you on some level of they’ve had experience of this other friend !!

Original poster
NChangenowp · 11/07/2024 08:27

@Theblondemum she was angry and controlling and depressed and had a horrible energy around her. Vile is such a nasty word.

OP posts:
Original poster
NChangenowp · 11/07/2024 08:29

No they won't agree. She's been nice since april.

OP posts:
FusilliGeri · 11/07/2024 08:31

If your relationship with the wider family of the friend is over, then so be it. If you had texted about my daughter that she was vile and could not maintain a friendship group then I would not want to be friends with you anymore but that's not the end of the world.

As for the girls, they've done their GCSEs, it's a new phase of life anyway.

Rather than going on about grenades and feeling destroyed you could start thinking that you have done what you did (it was unwise but it's happened now) and this is the consequence of that. In my opinion, you are too focused on yourself here.

Original poster
NChangenowp · 11/07/2024 09:26

Wishimaywishimight · 10/07/2024 12:18

I think you are being way too hard on yourself. Please don't let this eat you up, it's not worth it. You did something silly and unkind, most of us have said or done unkind things - the difference is we are not all found out.

You have apologised, there is nothing else you can do. You can wish it hadn't happened, you can wish you could go back in time but none of this is possible. You just have to accept what you did was wrong, you have done what you can to make it right by apologising. Now you need to forgive yourself and move on.

Don't hold out for forgiveness from this girl and her family, it may not come. Imagine how you would feel if things were the other way around and leave them be, they will will come round, or not, in their own time.

They probably won't and I feel my daughter's social life and mine is wrecked. Help.

OP posts:
Original poster
NChangenowp · 11/07/2024 09:35

FusilliGeri · 11/07/2024 08:31

If your relationship with the wider family of the friend is over, then so be it. If you had texted about my daughter that she was vile and could not maintain a friendship group then I would not want to be friends with you anymore but that's not the end of the world.

As for the girls, they've done their GCSEs, it's a new phase of life anyway.

Rather than going on about grenades and feeling destroyed you could start thinking that you have done what you did (it was unwise but it's happened now) and this is the consequence of that. In my opinion, you are too focused on yourself here.

You are right. But I can't cope. I can't.

OP posts:
LittleBrenda · 11/07/2024 09:36

They probably won't and I feel my daughter's social life and mine is wrecked. Help.

I also don't think they will come round but that's OK. Whilst I don't think there is any coming back from this it's not the enormous disaster that you think it is. You can make another social life.

Is your daughter staying at school for sixth form? She is not blameless in this really but she might be a to fix her relationship with the girl.

FusilliGeri · 11/07/2024 09:40

You are right. But I can't cope. I can't.

You can! You are just spiralling and panicking.

All that's happened is that months ago you said some stuff about a teenager that wasn't very nice.

There are so many worse things.

Original poster
NChangenowp · 11/07/2024 09:43

There are worse things. But your daughter having no friends and her best friend of 5 years living on the street and that family hating you is pretty bad.

And it's a smallish little town. All the mothers will know and hate me too.
I can't cope.

OP posts: