Help and empathy needed please feeling fragile.

[NChangenowp]

I have messed up very badly. Please be kind. I'm devastated. I sent some very rude messages about my daughter's best friend to my daughter privately. She dropped her friends phone so lent her friend her own phone. Friend and family have seen my messages. Daughter also did some. And husband. Mine were the worst. I cannot excuse it. I'm not in good place. I have apologised deeply. I am extremely ashamed. I never did this as a teen. I can't believe I've done now. I think I've destroyed her friendships and mine with the mothers. I cannot believe this. I have had the menopause. It's no excuse. I said the girl was vile. And I do t actually mean it. I was annoyed by the teen rebellion the time on small things. And she made some unpleasant comments. But vile is very strong. Has anyone forgiven anyone that's done anything like this? I'm devastated. I've written an extensive and honest deep apology. Please help. I'm destroyed. I can't believe I've been sucked into teen angst.

We definitely said don't lend devices. Can't believe she did it. All this would be ok without it.

I cannot cope with it. I can't stop dwelling on it.

She had built up a little group for summer. It was working.

Now I've trashed it. She's had no fun summers ever. All her friends were away or seeing other people.
She wanted her age friends to hang out with. Only had three weeks at home. And always friends were away. It's so shit. It's not just this summer.

Well her lending her phone trashed it.

I should have organised friend groups all summer. For her.

She was hard work. But she was on the street. And hard to breakaway from.
Now even worse. We were over the worst. She's been nicer since april. And were going to move away slowly. Naturally. Not like this.

She was better than no friends. She was nice from this april.

Five years of friendship.

I need hope.

2 issues here. That you did it at all without recognition at the time that it was inappropriate, and that since you are 'devastated', 'can't cope' , and have ruined the social lives of your DD and yourself.
If no longer being in contact with her friend or her mother totally ruins your social life, then the problem is that they were your only social outlet, and you've put all your eggs in one basket maybe. If you and your DD have other friends ( you already texted that your DD has a nicer one), then you are being dramatic, just see them instead.
Any other friends you have, if they get knowledge of it, would probably see it as nothing more than a funny thing to gossip about. Some may even think you had a point and are glad their DD's aren't friends with her, if she's as bad as you say.
You need to look at why you said it, are you just two-faced, or were you hoping to make your DD see her negative traits and distance herself? Did your DD agree in text with your opinions of her BFF( in which case equally 2 faced) or did she defend her? There could well be a way to your DD remaining friends if she didn't join in with your character assassinations.
I think you can safely say relations between you and her mother are toast, so move on. Take responsibility, blaming menopause or texting, or anything else is BS. You chatted shit about someone while being nice to her and her DM's faces.

Of course there's hope, this is a small bump in the context of your whole life. Friendships change for many reasons, including falling out with friends. It's a normal common occurrence and people move on to form new friendships or strengthen other existing ones.

Honest to God... You honestly think other parents haven't said to each other/within households/mum to daughter negative things about your daughter. Come on!?!?

If their daughter was being vile at the time then let them suck it up.

The more you prostrate yourself the more they will want from you. Give yourself a break ffs, nobody actually cares. I wouldn't give a monkeys and neither would my daughters if they discovered that during a difficult point in a friendship their pal and pals mum all said nasty things about them... It's called human nature.

You seem bizarrely involved and upset. My guess is that you would be beating someone else up for this and so you think everyone thinks like you. Or maybe you've been harsh and nasty about someone else when they've made a mistake in this group so you know they are enjoying your fall from grace.

Just chill out about it, stop thinking about it. Let it lie and if they are good friends they will be over it in a month.

She was being difficult. Very selfish. Not vile.
Bordering on very very selfish.
I was trying to get her to distance as my daughter was unhappy a lot. But I did chat shit.
So did my daughter. It's not ok for me to chat shit. I'm supposed to be the calm adult. They all chat shit about each other all day. They are teens.
Yes too much of my social life is liked here. As otherwise I don't see my daughter at all.
I have no family here. They are abroad or 200 miles away.

I have already apologised profusely I had to.

I knew saying someone is vile is inappropriate. But it was a private message. In the moment I just sent a nasty word out. Im breaking.

My DD did join in a bit. Just twice

Look, you need to find something to distract yourself from obsessively punishing yourself about this. Work, a hobby, an activity, anything. You just need to keep on with your daily life and stop thinking about this.

Are you off on holiday anywhere this year? Is your DD starting a new school in September for A Levels or doing something else?

She was ok sometimes to my DD. Maybe 50% of the time. But 50% selfish/ depressed. For four and half years.
Since april 90% nice. Yes I will come over as two faced. When actually was swallowing a difficult time for years.

So the girl was a pain in the arse and you said that in a private message to your daughter. Who cares. Honest to God, nobody does. They won't really care, they might enjoy the drama and punishing you but just let that play out. This is really really really not a big deal.

I think there are only a few people in society who have never been bitchy. Everyone at some point has said something bitchy, even the most saintly of people. The friend will have been bitchy at some point too. They probably are bitching about you now, but that will just be making you all even if you think about it.

Then your daughter is actually better off without her. All of your comments that the friend has been nice”since April” is no time when she’s been your daughters friend for 5 years!
Surely you want better for your daughter than for her to “settle” for this friend who seems to mostly treat her badly?

So, you've got to the result you wanted quicker. Sounds like it's better for your DD to not be friends with her as it has affected her. You'd be better off standing by what you said than doing an about turn on it, that's just making you more two-faced. So she's managed 3 month's out of years, to be OK 90% of the time, it can still go downhill at any moment. You gave some home truths, not in the best way, but we're you wrong in your general assessment?
You're being dramatic about her other friendships being ruined, give it time. If you had a fair point, others will see it.

OP, you’ve made a mistake and got caught out. You feel like shit right now, but things will blow over and in time you’ll remember this with mild embarrassment.

You’ve learned a very valuable lesson: never put these opinions in writing! Maybe the friend will also learn something useful from realising how her behaviour hurt others.

Yeah well she shouldn't have gone through your daughter's personal messages then should she?! What you and your daughter discuss privately is nobody's business!
Don't let this upset you any longer OP

What's app has disappearing messages.

Or always verbal. Teens like to text though.

I cannot move on. I'm fixated on it. Everything was finally getting better after five years. Since April. Lots better. She was nicer. Could have moved away gently. Naturally. I can't relax at all.