Page 24 | Who Is She????!!!!!

TipsyJoker · 2024-07-08T13:55:28+00:00

Hey lovelies, I just wanted to ask some advice. I saw on my husbands messenger that he’s been messaging some woman I’ve never seen or heard of before. I didn’t read the messages so I don’t know the content of them. I just saw her in his messages. I checked Facebook and it seems like they’re not friends. So I did a little bit of digging. They have no seeming connection to each other. No friends in common. They don’t work together or even in the same field. She lives about 400 miles away. He’s never mentioned her to me. They don’t have any obvious common likes on fb. She’s also married with 2 kids. I was a bit suspicious because he is ALWAYS on his phone. He takes it everywhere with him, even into the bathroom. So I peeked over when he was on messenger and saw her in his messages. I haven’t snooped but it’s been eating away at me ever since and it’s been months. I know he’s not physically cheated. However, my gut has been screaming at me for months. Prior to this I had no reason to doubt him. There’s no public trace of them communicating on Facebook. It just seems weird to me. It also seems he has set his profile so I can’t see when he posts in groups he’s in, etc. He has also set it so when he gets a message to his phone it just says message and doesn’t display a name. I don’t want to outright ask him in case it’s nothing or in case it is something and it just makes him more sneaky and cover his tracks even more so. Would it be wrong to check this one conversation with this women? I know it’s an invasion of privacy but I really can’t see any other way that I will find out the truth one way or the other. I think if I asked him and there was anything going on he’d just deny it because why wouldn’t he? Any advice on what to do here? It’s affecting me and making me feel subconscious and angry. We haven’t been as intimate for a while, (not my choice) but I just put that down to life with a young baby and being tired a lot. Thanks for reading.

beanii · 17/07/2024 23:27

TipsyJoker · 17/07/2024 21:03

No it’s not inevitable. If I was to find evidence of inappropriate flirting then we could probably work through it. If he was declaring his love for her and sending illicit content, that would be a different story. As I have said many times already on this thread, until very recently our relationship was great and although this has happened, it’s not changed how we are interacting. We’ve been out with the kids and still had a lovely day today. I am compartmentalising in order to go about this the right way. So, you really don’t know what you’re talking about in terms of what’s going on for my children. And yes, it’s a statistical fact that children from broken homes fair worse than ones from 2 parent households. Much as we might not like to acknowledge that. This will be devastating for my children. Again, why do people like you feel the need to make such harsh comments? There’s a way of communicating with people that gets your point across but isn’t mean spirited you know. There’s no need for it. I came here for support from other women, not to get kicked whilst I’m down. Maybe you need to assess why you feel the need to do that to other women.

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Well my parents divorced - it hasn't affected me in the slightest.

I got divorced 3 years ago - my 3 are absolutely thriving thanks.

I'm guessing you are like my ex-in laws who declared I was 'broken' when they met me just because my parents had divorced.

Seriously, look at families who have separated - I think you'll genuinely be surprised. Stop being so judgemental.

Finally, things will never be the same - subconsciously you will always look out for signs.

That's no way to live.

Garlickest · 17/07/2024 23:33

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 17/07/2024 21:54

He is though

He just doesn't care

I agree. He's in a rather fun cake-eating situation at the moment. OP doesn't seem concerned enough to rock the boat.

Plenty of women do, in fact, decide to live with unfaithful spouses as long as extramarital activity doesn't interfere (in their view) with family life. I even tried this myself, but it turns out I value honesty more than I'd realised.

What doesn't make sense is to alternate between carolling your 'great communication' and joyful family relations, and fretting about your husband's secret life. It's like being on skis that are going in different directions - and he's controlling both skis. The tension will harm you, not him.

If, on reflection, you feel content with your marriage as it is - knowing he's got an intense involvement that excludes you - then stop wondering. Accept that he has a secret and leave him to it, while enjoying the parts of himself he devotes to you and your children.

The alternative is to decide you won't settle for a divided husband. You already have proof of that. You don't actually need to know the details. If you want them, you'll have to be more assertive about getting them and that means spying.

Grah · 18/07/2024 05:30

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 17/07/2024 21:06

I'm not belittling. I'm trying to give some outside perspective of how abnormal this behaviour is.

I'm incredibly surprised that OPs husband was checking his phone (for what? The weather forecast?) at 2am and OP did not dare to even ask why he was doing so?
Is that not a normal thing to do in a relationship? I'm sure if I checked my phone at that hour my DH would quite rightly question me!

Really? If I wake up in the middle of the night I often use my phone. I check messages, read emails, read my Kindle books, play games, anything to try to get back to sleep again (menopause sucks). If I wake up and my husband is on his phone I think 'looks like he can't sleep' and roll over to go back to sleep. I don't think I've ever thought he was up to no good.

KTSl1964 · 18/07/2024 07:12

Hi op - what are you going to do if the intimacy does not improve which is what you have asked him for?
I missed how many children you had - I know you had a baby - is there any connection between him not being able to separate your a mother and sex with “a mother” if that makes sense.

Unknownsecret · 18/07/2024 10:36

Garlickest · 17/07/2024 23:33

I agree. He's in a rather fun cake-eating situation at the moment. OP doesn't seem concerned enough to rock the boat.

Plenty of women do, in fact, decide to live with unfaithful spouses as long as extramarital activity doesn't interfere (in their view) with family life. I even tried this myself, but it turns out I value honesty more than I'd realised.

What doesn't make sense is to alternate between carolling your 'great communication' and joyful family relations, and fretting about your husband's secret life. It's like being on skis that are going in different directions - and he's controlling both skis. The tension will harm you, not him.

If, on reflection, you feel content with your marriage as it is - knowing he's got an intense involvement that excludes you - then stop wondering. Accept that he has a secret and leave him to it, while enjoying the parts of himself he devotes to you and your children.

The alternative is to decide you won't settle for a divided husband. You already have proof of that. You don't actually need to know the details. If you want them, you'll have to be more assertive about getting them and that means spying.

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Exactly this.

Whatwasthatshow · 20/07/2024 11:05

I’m hope you’re ok @TipsyJoker x

Original poster

TipsyJoker · 20/07/2024 11:15

Whatwasthatshow · 20/07/2024 11:05

I’m hope you’re ok @TipsyJoker x

Thank you x

OP posts:

LanaL · 20/07/2024 16:35

All this talk about OP needing to find proof and questioning why she does , I can only assume you have not been through this .

She has no solid proof . But she knows , in her heart , deep in her gut and because she knows her husband - she knows .

But , without solid proof , he will lie. Do any of you know the feeling of knowing that you have been betrayed and then having someone refuse to admit and therefore refuse to acknowledge they have done something wrong and so, refusing to allow you that definitive proof you need to be able to mentally deal with it and make the next steps. Despite what OP says - as she is going through a horrendous time - I am sure in the dead of night when she is alone with her thoughts , those nagging doubts creep in …. Not because she doubts herself but as a defence mechanism to try to protect herself from the pain and the trauma .

If she leaves him and he’s denying everything , she will never get that closure. They are bound together for life because of their children and she will have to face him with him never admitting and probably blaming her for the marriage break up as he will still act as though he has done nothing and he is paranoid. When her children grow up and question why their parents were together they will have a tale span by their dad that she was paranoid and jealous and walked out on him when they were children.

That is why she wants and needs the proof .

And for people saying about the children living in a hostile situation because of it - well done for kicking someone when they’re down , I hope you’re proud of yourself . She didn’t come here for parenting advice she came here for support and If you can’t do that go and find another thread . Whatever hostile situation there is , is caused by her cheating husband only.

OP , I hope you’re ok 💐

Summerdaysandnights · 20/07/2024 20:19

Well done LanaL !! Your exactly right with what you're saying as I was in the exact same position as the OP and could not end it until I had definite proof..It's very hard to end years of history with someone until you know for sure that they are cheating..You mind will try and fool you and you'll suffer from cognitive dissonance ( this is where your mind can't separate the person you think your partner is compared to who he really is

Palpatation · 20/07/2024 20:27

What a lovely kind post from LanaL I've been in the same position as OP as well, people are being really unkind to her. I hope she's okay too, because it is a really horrible situation to be in.

beanii · 20/07/2024 20:28

LanaL · 20/07/2024 16:35

All this talk about OP needing to find proof and questioning why she does , I can only assume you have not been through this .

She has no solid proof . But she knows , in her heart , deep in her gut and because she knows her husband - she knows .

But , without solid proof , he will lie. Do any of you know the feeling of knowing that you have been betrayed and then having someone refuse to admit and therefore refuse to acknowledge they have done something wrong and so, refusing to allow you that definitive proof you need to be able to mentally deal with it and make the next steps. Despite what OP says - as she is going through a horrendous time - I am sure in the dead of night when she is alone with her thoughts , those nagging doubts creep in …. Not because she doubts herself but as a defence mechanism to try to protect herself from the pain and the trauma .

If she leaves him and he’s denying everything , she will never get that closure. They are bound together for life because of their children and she will have to face him with him never admitting and probably blaming her for the marriage break up as he will still act as though he has done nothing and he is paranoid. When her children grow up and question why their parents were together they will have a tale span by their dad that she was paranoid and jealous and walked out on him when they were children.

That is why she wants and needs the proof .

And for people saying about the children living in a hostile situation because of it - well done for kicking someone when they’re down , I hope you’re proud of yourself . She didn’t come here for parenting advice she came here for support and If you can’t do that go and find another thread . Whatever hostile situation there is , is caused by her cheating husband only.

OP , I hope you’re ok 💐

My ex was a covert narcissist - they NEVER admit what they're like plus friends and family cannot see it either.

I never got 'closure' - but if a relationship is over then it's over.

OP will never fully trust him again - whether she finds definite proof or not.

The closure is moving on and finding happiness, teaching your children NOT to stay in a broken relationship and that you don't have to have 'solid proof' to end it.

That's closure.

DesperateDawn · 20/07/2024 20:53

If you don't get anywhere, then as a last resort I wouldn't rule out contacting her. Not in a 'what is going on' way because as you say she'll lie. Rather 'hi I've seen your name in my husband's messages. He assures me you are a nobody who keeps pestering him and he feels very sorry for you.This sounds a bit unkind of him to say, can you clarify?'.

You might rattle her cage. OW are notoriously thin skinned, usually with self esteem issues so she may take umbrage and blab. Worth a try if all else fails!

Original poster

TipsyJoker · 20/07/2024 21:25

LanaL · 20/07/2024 16:35

All this talk about OP needing to find proof and questioning why she does , I can only assume you have not been through this .

She has no solid proof . But she knows , in her heart , deep in her gut and because she knows her husband - she knows .

But , without solid proof , he will lie. Do any of you know the feeling of knowing that you have been betrayed and then having someone refuse to admit and therefore refuse to acknowledge they have done something wrong and so, refusing to allow you that definitive proof you need to be able to mentally deal with it and make the next steps. Despite what OP says - as she is going through a horrendous time - I am sure in the dead of night when she is alone with her thoughts , those nagging doubts creep in …. Not because she doubts herself but as a defence mechanism to try to protect herself from the pain and the trauma .

If she leaves him and he’s denying everything , she will never get that closure. They are bound together for life because of their children and she will have to face him with him never admitting and probably blaming her for the marriage break up as he will still act as though he has done nothing and he is paranoid. When her children grow up and question why their parents were together they will have a tale span by their dad that she was paranoid and jealous and walked out on him when they were children.

That is why she wants and needs the proof .

And for people saying about the children living in a hostile situation because of it - well done for kicking someone when they’re down , I hope you’re proud of yourself . She didn’t come here for parenting advice she came here for support and If you can’t do that go and find another thread . Whatever hostile situation there is , is caused by her cheating husband only.

OP , I hope you’re ok 💐

Thank you so much for this. You have completely nailed it. I couldn’t have put it any better than you have. You have absolutely 100% articulated exactly where I’m at, why and how I’m processing this. Thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

TipsyJoker · 20/07/2024 21:27

beanii · 20/07/2024 20:28

My ex was a covert narcissist - they NEVER admit what they're like plus friends and family cannot see it either.

I never got 'closure' - but if a relationship is over then it's over.

OP will never fully trust him again - whether she finds definite proof or not.

The closure is moving on and finding happiness, teaching your children NOT to stay in a broken relationship and that you don't have to have 'solid proof' to end it.

That's closure.

Show quote history

That’s closure for you. It’s not for me. Thanks again for your kind support.

OP posts:

Original poster

TipsyJoker · 20/07/2024 21:28

DesperateDawn · 20/07/2024 20:53

If you don't get anywhere, then as a last resort I wouldn't rule out contacting her. Not in a 'what is going on' way because as you say she'll lie. Rather 'hi I've seen your name in my husband's messages. He assures me you are a nobody who keeps pestering him and he feels very sorry for you.This sounds a bit unkind of him to say, can you clarify?'.

You might rattle her cage. OW are notoriously thin skinned, usually with self esteem issues so she may take umbrage and blab. Worth a try if all else fails!

That is a very good take on it. Def something to think about. Thank you x

OP posts:

Thewookiemustgo · 21/07/2024 11:05

Just to echo about contacting the OW, I wouldn’t bother.
Lying is the bread and butter of affairs, so the truth is pretty much a unicorn to everyone in one, and some are just jealous and may want to hurt you.
You don’t need further alleged “information” which you can’t prove, so may or may not be true, to drive yourself crazy wondering about. Solid undeniable facts are the only thing that won’t mess with your head, and those invested in lying for their own selfish gain who want something you’ve got are not the places to go looking.

Original poster

TipsyJoker · 21/07/2024 12:31

Thewookiemustgo · 21/07/2024 11:05

Just to echo about contacting the OW, I wouldn’t bother.
Lying is the bread and butter of affairs, so the truth is pretty much a unicorn to everyone in one, and some are just jealous and may want to hurt you.
You don’t need further alleged “information” which you can’t prove, so may or may not be true, to drive yourself crazy wondering about. Solid undeniable facts are the only thing that won’t mess with your head, and those invested in lying for their own selfish gain who want something you’ve got are not the places to go looking.

A very good point. Thank you

OP posts:

DesperateDawn · 21/07/2024 12:51

Thewookiemustgo · 21/07/2024 11:05

Just to echo about contacting the OW, I wouldn’t bother.
Lying is the bread and butter of affairs, so the truth is pretty much a unicorn to everyone in one, and some are just jealous and may want to hurt you.
You don’t need further alleged “information” which you can’t prove, so may or may not be true, to drive yourself crazy wondering about. Solid undeniable facts are the only thing that won’t mess with your head, and those invested in lying for their own selfish gain who want something you’ve got are not the places to go looking.

Ow are often jealous needy types though and would be horrified if the married man they are currently chasing spoke unfavourably about them to their dw. They may take great pleasure in sending screen shots of all the messages that they'll have saved to prove their relationship (if that is the case here).

It wouldn't be my first move but we know the dh will lie, the messages have been deleted. For her own sanity the op needs to know and a goaded ow may well provide the answers.

Thewookiemustgo · 21/07/2024 17:54

“For her own sanity the op needs to know and a goaded ow may well provide the answers.”

It’s precisely why I wouldn’t go near the OW, because mental health really is at stake here.
A ‘goaded’ OW might also do untold damage and spread yet more lies. Yes, she might send the messages as proof, but equally she might make up/ embellish a load of stuff that is either lies or exaggerated. OP needs no more bullshit to try to disprove and instead of real messages she might get more lies, or even threats or worse. The OW might also get off on the fact that the wife is contacting her because her husband is lying, some OW see it all as a competition they have to ‘win’ and see the husband’s lying as protecting them and the affair above the wife and marriage.

Not a wise or dignified course of action to provoke anyone, especially when you have no idea how they will react and you are already in a vulnerable position yourself.
Avoid more lies and keep your dignity, @TipsyJoker. The OW is no guardian of the truth or friend to you or your marriage. She’s not worth your time or attention.

Original poster

TipsyJoker · 21/07/2024 19:41

Thewookiemustgo · 21/07/2024 17:54

“For her own sanity the op needs to know and a goaded ow may well provide the answers.”

It’s precisely why I wouldn’t go near the OW, because mental health really is at stake here.
A ‘goaded’ OW might also do untold damage and spread yet more lies. Yes, she might send the messages as proof, but equally she might make up/ embellish a load of stuff that is either lies or exaggerated. OP needs no more bullshit to try to disprove and instead of real messages she might get more lies, or even threats or worse. The OW might also get off on the fact that the wife is contacting her because her husband is lying, some OW see it all as a competition they have to ‘win’ and see the husband’s lying as protecting them and the affair above the wife and marriage.

Not a wise or dignified course of action to provoke anyone, especially when you have no idea how they will react and you are already in a vulnerable position yourself.
Avoid more lies and keep your dignity, @TipsyJoker. The OW is no guardian of the truth or friend to you or your marriage. She’s not worth your time or attention.

This makes a lot of sense. I see what you’re saying. Thank you.

OP posts:

DesperateDawn · 21/07/2024 20:31

Well, obviously up to the op but imo the not knowing the truth must be much harder than dealing with the truth including any exaggerations. I'd want to see in black and white what my dh had said, not his or her version.

The possible ow may well share screen shots.That is all the op wants to know. Any tales and embellishments should obviously be ignored.

Alternatively wait until he is careless and swoop.

HebburnPokemon · 21/07/2024 21:18

24 pages and you still haven’t read the messages?? 🤦‍♀️

Psychoticbreak · 21/07/2024 22:19

HebburnPokemon · 21/07/2024 21:18

24 pages and you still haven’t read the messages?? 🤦‍♀️

Same amount of pages and you still have not read where they were deleted.

Thewookiemustgo · 22/07/2024 11:04

24 pages and the story hasn’t reached the exciting part? Should OP apologise for wasting readers’ time?
Mumsnet is supposed to be where people come for information, advice and support, not an online soap opera.
It’s about people’s lives, real lives, where the decisions they make change their day to day reality, sometimes forever with no going back. Sometimes these decisions affect others: children, families, spouses, relations, friends.
People posting here are often at a very low ebb and crisis point in their lives, I have no idea how many pages it ‘should’ take to resolve anything and no expectation of posters to resolve stuff at all for our entertainment.

Original poster

TipsyJoker · 22/07/2024 18:34

So, the latest is he’s just bought himself a smart watch which is obviously linked up to his online apps, emails, messengers, etc. I’ve asked him why he needs this when he has a phone and tablet. I’ve said I’m concerned he will constantly be on it. He seems quite annoyed at my reaction to it. There is no need for someone to have all this tech. He has been on messenger less over the last week or so. WhatsApp too. My stomach is in knots. I feel like this is some kind of extra layer of sneakiness I won’t be able to access. And before anyone asks, no I haven’t any proof yet. I’ve not had the opportunity.

OP posts: