Who Is She????!!!!!

[TipsyJoker]

Hey lovelies,

I just wanted to ask some advice. I saw on my husbands messenger that he’s been messaging some woman I’ve never seen or heard of before. I didn’t read the messages so I don’t know the content of them. I just saw her in his messages. I checked Facebook and it seems like they’re not friends. So I did a little bit of digging. They have no seeming connection to each other. No friends in common. They don’t work together or even in the same field. She lives about 400 miles away. He’s never mentioned her to me. They don’t have any obvious common likes on fb. She’s also married with 2 kids.

I was a bit suspicious because he is ALWAYS on his phone. He takes it everywhere with him, even into the bathroom. So I peeked over when he was on messenger and saw her in his messages. I haven’t snooped but it’s been eating away at me ever since and it’s been months. I know he’s not physically cheated. However, my gut has been screaming at me for months. Prior to this I had no reason to doubt him.

There’s no public trace of them communicating on Facebook. It just seems weird to me. It also seems he has set his profile so I can’t see when he posts in groups he’s in, etc. He has also set it so when he gets a message to his phone it just says message and doesn’t display a name.

I don’t want to outright ask him in case it’s nothing or in case it is something and it just makes him more sneaky and cover his tracks even more so.

Would it be wrong to check this one conversation with this women? I know it’s an invasion of privacy but I really can’t see any other way that I will find out the truth one way or the other. I think if I asked him and there was anything going on he’d just deny it because why wouldn’t he?

Any advice on what to do here? It’s affecting me and making me feel subconscious and angry. We haven’t been as intimate for a while, (not my choice) but I just put that down to life with a young baby and being tired a lot.
Thanks for reading.

D day is discovery day and denial day. They always deny.

If you push it he will minimise the affair and blame the OW for being needy, in love with him but he’s not in love with her or say they are just friends. Anything to keep the truth from you. The denial is to protect the affair. If they deny they can keep going.

You are not going to get the truth sadly.

I think you need proof as much for your own sanity as to confront him with. He can’t then gaslight you as he will try.

Bottom line is if the relationship is over and boundaries have been crossed then you need to prepare for the next stage separation.

If what he’s been doing is something you can discuss calmly then do that fully expecting not to get the whole truth. Some details about our feelings for people outside the relationship can be too painful to hear, like thoughts they are best not shared.

Ive been on both sides of this situation I wanted to to know everything but every detail of betrayal in my husband’s EA - hurt like a knife in the ribs. Once heard can’t be unheard. I didn’t want to see messages as I knew they would sear into my brain forever and destroy the rescue of the relationship. In the angry phase (which last months) of recovery from D day unplanned I rekindled with an old flame having an EA long distance. I was pretty emotionally disconnected from my husband and trying to blank out the hurt. I do want my husband to read my EA messages. We were in love in quite an innocent way. It ended when his wife discovered our messages. She told him to cut me off he didn’t at first but did after a few weeks. It gave their marriage a wake up call they needed. I wish them the best even if I miss him terribly.

We worked through both emotional affairs. It deepened our understanding of each other. There is no action without a reaction.

Typo should read’ I don’t want my husband to read my EA messages’.

Respectfully, you're focusing on the wrong thing here. Many people have smart watches with no concerns or reasons to be constantly connected. I think it's because you're now doubting him and thinking he's trying to have his cake and eat it and this is a shining example of his tech secrecy.

I'm so sorry you went through and found nothing. You could bide your time and he will leave emails or messages at some point. You're smart not to confront him without the evidence. You're handling this really well

It you don't want to accuse him you could ask if he's ok and question the lack of intimacy. He may (doubtful but may) open up on his own.

I think you now just need to ask him @TipsyJoker .

i understand how this eats you up, and the need for proof but asking won’t stop you finding it, and he might admit it. Or he might be innocent.

Hope the talk went well OP. Sadly it does seem all dodgy but if he anything like my ex he will twist things and tell you you are the problem, you are too controlling etc. Hope you are ok.

I snapped last night. I asked him outright, told him I’d seen her in his messages and I wanted the truth. From his reaction I could immediately tell I was wrong. He opened the message thread and there was one message he’d sent ages ago which hadn’t even been read by her. It was info about something from a group he is in. He’d sent the same info to multiple people, male and female. I explained that id seen her in his messages, that I felt his possessiveness of his tech was really dodgy and that our lack of intimacy added up in my mind to something going on that shouldn’t be. He said he understood how I could’ve come to that conclusion but was heartbroken that I doubted him and didn’t talk to him about it right away. We cried. I’ve contacted a therapist. On one hand I’m relieved that I’ve seen proof of no wrongdoing. On the other I’m devastated that I’ve caused this problem in my marriage. I had never doubted him before and I love him deeply. I have apologised and acknowledged that this is 100% my fault. I just hope we can now work through this and move forward together. Thanks to everyone who commented and offered support.

I’m glad he doesn’t seem to be doing anything dodgy and your concerns are without substance BUT this isn’t a ‘you’ problem.

You reacted to a set of circumstances that he plays a huge part of and that needs to be acknowledged. The lack of intimacy, the going to bed at different time, his change in social media behaviour and his clear focus on tech left you feeling abandoned and unsafe.

Do not allow these things to slide and accept full blame. He is accountable in part for your growing sense of unease and he needs to own that to enable you to feel safe again.

I don't quite follow how the messages are in fact still there after all, but I hope he's telling the truth and wish you peace.

Thank you. I will certainly address this but I don’t want it to seem like I’m trying to excuse myself in this either.

Wishing you all the best and hope you can work it out

I totally see where you are coming from but the level of hypervigilance you’ve been going through comes from anxiety and feeling unsafe. If you just accept that you’re in the wrong and need the therapy etc you won’t change anything that has left you feeling unsafe and abandoned.

Communication is key here. And ownership on both sides of why you ended up feeling like this.

Good, @TipsyJoker I’m glad it’s sorted out and wish you well

So... the people who said "talk to him!" and who you said were being unkind and didn't understand that your only choice was to snoop because you knew he was doing wrong but you couldn't talk to him because he'd lie, so telling you to talk to your husband was just cruel, etc... maybe had a point?

I'm glad he's not cheating, OP. Hope you both manage to improve your communication with each other and that it strengthens your marriage.

This is why MN can be so toxic.

Please don't take blame. You said he reduced intimacy and wasn't treating you the same so he isn't golden whether he's been cheating or not.

Also, you're not necessarily wrong. For example, why did you see her name if he only messaged her ages ago? I'm glad it's sort of resolved but make sure you see a change, are still able to trust him and don't blame yourself

I agree with this.

You wouldn't have reacted as you did if his behaviour hadn't changed and given you justifiable cause for concern.

It is something for you both to discuss and work through.

There has to be openess in a relationship for it to really work. He wasn't being open with you, and quite importantly you didn't feel confident to talk about things with him.
Hopefully going forward both of you can put your relationship on a better footing.

Best wishes.

'I’ve contacted a therapist. On one hand I’m relieved that I’ve seen proof of no wrongdoing. On the other I’m devastated that I’ve caused this problem in my marriage'

Op please don't blame yourself. You had reason to doubt him. His phone use, his secrecy, the 2am messaging, his lack of interest in you sexually. So yes great if you believe it was all innocent but you haven't caused this problem, he has.

Just tell him from now on not to be so weird with his phone and take it from there. Good luck.

I’m glad you’ve had a talk to him. This is a ‘couples’ issue, not just a ‘you’ issue, though.
You need his support and whilst it’s admirable and right that you are addressing what you see as your issues, he needs to come on board too and understand that there are things he can do to make you feel more secure and lessen your anxiety around his behaviour.
I hope you find the peace you deserve and that you both come through this together, you sound like a lovely person.

Agree with @Elasticatedtrousers from what you said there was a lot wrong between you anyway so that all needs to be addressed and it can’t be easy being his carer while raising children (and are you the main breadwinner too?)

hope it all works out for you anyway, OP and it’s definitely a positive that you did eventually speak to him about it and confront it head on and that it appears your worst fears weren’t confirmed.

Absolutely. This has all been hyped up massively with so many assumptions and accusations being thrown around as facts, adding to the stress and fear of the OP. All so unnecessary. I’d never come on here for advice, the amount of catastrophising is unreal.

Except in this case, it was OP who was catastrophizing, and telling anyone who suggested talking to/communicating with her husband that they were being mean and awful to her.

You really love to kick someone when they’re down don’t you? I can almost feel the glee in your, “I told you so” posting now. You are mean and being pretty awful. I hope you never find yourself in a bad place and get the same kind of person come along to stick the boot in the way you have done and are continuing to do now. You’re not trying to be helpful or supportive at all. You’re revelling in the misery of others and that’s horrid.

Nope. You already called me a bunch of nasty names when I was trying to help you. Now I'm taking part in the discussion and just being factual about how it went down. You don't have to respond to posts that aren't directed at you. As I said before, I hope you manage to sort things in your marriage.

Weren't you the poster who said 'Jesus' earlier in exasperation and suggested she needed ro see a mh professional then backtracked and pretended you were being supportive?

Leave her alone.

Perhaps relationship advice is not your bag. Try fighting on aibu?

Not unkind just realistic.

You will probably never get the proof you want.

It's time to be honestly with each other and discuss it.

You keep saying 'but we have kids' - yes you do and the longer you continue you like this, the longer you're teaching them they have to stay in an unhappy relationship.

I'm speaking from experience. I learnt from my parents at the damage staying together does 'for the kids' thinking they don't see it.

That's why after 22 years I didn't make the same mistake.

My children are flourishing - much happier than when we were a family.

Divorce is wrongly seen as a negative when in reality it's the end of a chapter.

I'm just worried for you as I know only too well the damage of the life you're living now (knots in stomach etc) does.