Who Is She????!!!!!

[TipsyJoker]

Hey lovelies,

I just wanted to ask some advice. I saw on my husbands messenger that he’s been messaging some woman I’ve never seen or heard of before. I didn’t read the messages so I don’t know the content of them. I just saw her in his messages. I checked Facebook and it seems like they’re not friends. So I did a little bit of digging. They have no seeming connection to each other. No friends in common. They don’t work together or even in the same field. She lives about 400 miles away. He’s never mentioned her to me. They don’t have any obvious common likes on fb. She’s also married with 2 kids.

I was a bit suspicious because he is ALWAYS on his phone. He takes it everywhere with him, even into the bathroom. So I peeked over when he was on messenger and saw her in his messages. I haven’t snooped but it’s been eating away at me ever since and it’s been months. I know he’s not physically cheated. However, my gut has been screaming at me for months. Prior to this I had no reason to doubt him.

There’s no public trace of them communicating on Facebook. It just seems weird to me. It also seems he has set his profile so I can’t see when he posts in groups he’s in, etc. He has also set it so when he gets a message to his phone it just says message and doesn’t display a name.

I don’t want to outright ask him in case it’s nothing or in case it is something and it just makes him more sneaky and cover his tracks even more so.

Would it be wrong to check this one conversation with this women? I know it’s an invasion of privacy but I really can’t see any other way that I will find out the truth one way or the other. I think if I asked him and there was anything going on he’d just deny it because why wouldn’t he?

Any advice on what to do here? It’s affecting me and making me feel subconscious and angry. We haven’t been as intimate for a while, (not my choice) but I just put that down to life with a young baby and being tired a lot.
Thanks for reading.

Kevins Heart by J Cole is the best description of the cheaters mentality I can think of, some excerpts for those who wouldn’t listen to a hip hop track!

She my number one I don't need nothing on the side
Said that I was done for good and don't want no more lies
But my phone be blowing up, temptations on my line
I stare at the screen a while before I press decline
But she plants the seed and it still lingers in my mind
Told myself I'm strong enough to shake it and I'm trying
But I'm only human, I know loving you's a crime
If I take this cookie now one day I'll do the time

Hate when I creep and the phone wake me up
Fake like I'm sleep knowing damn well I be up
Monkey on my back and I walk a hundred miles
Guilt make a *** feel fake when he smile
Love can confuse the mind of a child
'Cause love wouldn't lie like I lie and it's wild

Wanna have my cake and another cake too
Even if the baker don't bake like you
Even when the flavor don't taste like you

I love her, I don't want to lose her
I'm selfish, I know that I use her
My ego get stroke and I bruise her
My actions I know they confusin'
At home I look happy as usual

They tell me what's done in the dark will find a way to shine
I done did so much that when you see you might go blind

My ex took to sleeping on the sofa which was out of character but I knew to the day when he met her due to his changed behaviour.

Could you wait until he thinks you are asleep and he is online to her and you sneak in and watch from behind him OP. This is how I knew which direction to look when my ex was cheating.

I knew he was at it but I needed a steer. I may or may not have bought him a bottle of single malt so I knew he would overindulge and be less alert to what I was doing. I may or may not have put a broken bulb in the lamp in the lounge so he would be less aware of my presence too : )

I stood there for 45 minutes watching him messaging back and forth. I knew within the first thirty seconds that their affair was sexual.

As soon as he went back to work I collected all his stuff up and put it out and told him to bring her to help him load it up and he actually did, moved in with her and her husband and the husband moved out the following week.

Bunch of bastards.

OP did you not ask what he was doing on his phone at 0230?

I am so sorry that you are going through this. This same situation happened to me and the not knowing nearly completely destroyed me mentally. I made the mistake of asking him which gave him the warning he needed to delete any/all the evidence and to become even more sneaky.

I also needed actual proof as I had children. He went down the path of claiming his innocence repeatedly and also claiming I was paranoid. He had also made it so previously tagged photos did not show up on his social media account. He had also stopped tagging me in posts and comments. Suddenly stopped and I also didn't notice right away.

I found the proof I needed by eventually gaining access to emails. It showed he had been on numerous dating sites as well as being active on Kik (messaging site) There were also some hotel room bookings and so on to add to it.

I left him. I have my peace and security back again. I never thought I would ever feel comfortable again but I do.

I am sharing my story just so you know that I understand why you need actual proof/evidence. Despite all the signs some people need to see it particularly when it has been a long relationship. It turned out that my ex had even been contacting other women immediately after I gave birth. That was a hard one to deal with. As I thought everything was so perfect at the time. Anyway, I am much happier now but I really cannot see me managing another relationship as that betrayal went too deep.

I wish you all the best and hope that you manage to find the answers which you need soon.

Wow what a pig he is! There is this setting I found recently on what app which may help you find any hidden conversations though at this point I don’t know how you will get to his phone seeing as it’s with him at all times!
Im sorry op, behind all this detective work you are doing I am sure you are heart broken too x

Here are the settings

That’s awful. I am sorry you went through that. I hope you and your children are ok. Thanks for sharing your story.

No. Our baby was asleep in the same room and I didn’t want to wake her. Plus, I’ve caught him doing that before when I was pregnant and he denied it.

To gather proof

On WhatsApp you’ll find Export chat at the foot of OW contact page. You can send the file to your email address.

First uncheck Privacy > Read receipts to stop him seeing you’d been in the app if any new messages are there.
Once you’ve taken a copy of the file go back to Privacy to reset Read Receipts.

If the chat is Locked you’ll still have access to OW phone number and her photo. Photograph everything.

Actually, he did me a favour but it didn't feel like it at the time.

If you separate (which is inevitable now) - it won't 'ruin your children's lives'.

You seriously need to get out of saying that.

Staying in an unhappy marriage will do far more damage to your children, than separating. And you might think you're hiding it from them BUT I guarantee that they'll know.

Time to face the truth, deal with it and move forward.

So he is reading her messages/replying to her in your bed at 230am but this is not enough proof for you?

What a way to live

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor

How rude

The op is on here for support not belittling

I don’t know if he was messaging or not and If he was, I don’t know who. But thanks for the support. You’re too kind.

Thank you. Some people are unreal on here.

No it’s not inevitable. If I was to find evidence of inappropriate flirting then we could probably work through it. If he was declaring his love for her and sending illicit content, that would be a different story. As I have said many times already on this thread, until very recently our relationship was great and although this has happened, it’s not changed how we are interacting. We’ve been out with the kids and still had a lovely day today. I am compartmentalising in order to go about this the right way. So, you really don’t know what you’re talking about in terms of what’s going on for my children. And yes, it’s a statistical fact that children from broken homes fair worse than ones from 2 parent households. Much as we might not like to acknowledge that. This will be devastating for my children. Again, why do people like you feel the need to make such harsh comments? There’s a way of communicating with people that gets your point across but isn’t mean spirited you know. There’s no need for it. I came here for support from other women, not to get kicked whilst I’m down. Maybe you need to assess why you feel the need to do that to other women.

@TipsyJoker i won’t even bother responding to posters that give off negative energy bordering on spiteful / belittling.

The only other advice I can give is about children and divorce. In my experience the younger the better in terms of resilience. The older they are the harder the adjustment. I know you are not at this stage but my younger one adapted better at 8. My other child was in their teens and that was difficult and they are still upset about it. However every child is different, we cannot predict these things but as long as you are providing a safe and loving environment, that it is most important thing. Look after yourself.

I'm not belittling. I'm trying to give some outside perspective of how abnormal this behaviour is.

I'm incredibly surprised that OPs husband was checking his phone (for what? The weather forecast?) at 2am and OP did not dare to even ask why he was doing so?
Is that not a normal thing to do in a relationship? I'm sure if I checked my phone at that hour my DH would quite rightly question me!

"Effort" is close, but not so much in terms of emotional labour. For any man to have a relationship, they must be attractive, have social prowess, and generally be good company (otherwise no woman would want to be near them in the first place). If finding one relationship requires a lot of luck and skill, how does anyone manage to have a successful relationship with two, or more, women?

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor

Yes but when someone is lying and covering up there hardly going to turn round and say they are sexting the other women.

Once her dh knows she is on to him he will lie gaslight and she won't love the truth. Op needs to get concrete evidence.

Know not love.

She won't get concrete evidence though

He's already on to her
His phone is protected and in any case he carries around like an iron lung
He knows she's afraid to challenge him
He's covering his tracks
Etc etc

She knows
He knows she knows

This is what I mean when I say what a way to live

He's not completely sure otherwise he wouldn't be texting in the middle of the night.

He is though

He just doesn't care