Who Is She????!!!!!

[TipsyJoker]

Hey lovelies,

I just wanted to ask some advice. I saw on my husbands messenger that he’s been messaging some woman I’ve never seen or heard of before. I didn’t read the messages so I don’t know the content of them. I just saw her in his messages. I checked Facebook and it seems like they’re not friends. So I did a little bit of digging. They have no seeming connection to each other. No friends in common. They don’t work together or even in the same field. She lives about 400 miles away. He’s never mentioned her to me. They don’t have any obvious common likes on fb. She’s also married with 2 kids.

I was a bit suspicious because he is ALWAYS on his phone. He takes it everywhere with him, even into the bathroom. So I peeked over when he was on messenger and saw her in his messages. I haven’t snooped but it’s been eating away at me ever since and it’s been months. I know he’s not physically cheated. However, my gut has been screaming at me for months. Prior to this I had no reason to doubt him.

There’s no public trace of them communicating on Facebook. It just seems weird to me. It also seems he has set his profile so I can’t see when he posts in groups he’s in, etc. He has also set it so when he gets a message to his phone it just says message and doesn’t display a name.

I don’t want to outright ask him in case it’s nothing or in case it is something and it just makes him more sneaky and cover his tracks even more so.

Would it be wrong to check this one conversation with this women? I know it’s an invasion of privacy but I really can’t see any other way that I will find out the truth one way or the other. I think if I asked him and there was anything going on he’d just deny it because why wouldn’t he?

Any advice on what to do here? It’s affecting me and making me feel subconscious and angry. We haven’t been as intimate for a while, (not my choice) but I just put that down to life with a young baby and being tired a lot.
Thanks for reading.

So this is how you're going to live your life? Constantly suspicious.

If you haven't moved passed it now, I can 100% guarantee you that you won't.

I imagine you and several others will disagree but time will tell IF you're honest with yourself.

Please stop commenting if you can’t be kind. You seem to be getting some kind of weird kick out of it. It’s not nice. This is my life here and you’re being very harsh. Why wouldn’t I be suspicious?! Have you even read what I’ve previously posted? Again, since you can’t seem to get this into your head, I need proof because I have children to think about. And I need it for my own sanity too. I can’t walk away from my marriage based on a hunch alone. Maybe you don’t understand that but that’s how it is.

What you should have said to him was that you were concerned about the amount of time he would be spending on it messaging his other woman.

His reaction would be quite telling.

I’m coming to see that he’s probably a very good liar. He prob has an inkling and is prepared for me broaching the subject with him, since she has clearly tipped him off that I’m onto them. He will just lie. It won’t tell me anything and it won’t be definitive proof of anything.

What’s the long-term plan, OP? Waiting until you have definitive proof? What if that takes 10 years?

No. It won’t take me 10 years. I won’t live feeling like this for years. I will get my evidence asap. I’m just waiting for my opportunity to get that. It will come. I’m just have to be patient. Even if it takes a few months, I’ll find it or be will slip up somehow. I know it. And when I find it, depending on what I find I will decide how to move forward from that.

I just don’t want you living on edge like this for an extended period of time. x

Me neither. Thank you x

Don’t worry, he will slip up. You will get what you need, make a decision and get the peace you deserve.

So I just managed to have a look and I’ve found nothing. It looks to me like he’s done a clean up because his email folder are all deleted, emptied. I feel so dejected having worked up the courage to find nothing. And I know in my soul that something’s up. I just know it. What do I do here? He will just deny any wrongdoing if I tell him I know about her. I know he will. Then I will be made to look like the paranoid maniac but I know what I saw and I know how his behaviours changed. I know how our sex life changed. I didn’t imagine all of that.

You don't need him to agree with your reality. You know enough to know he's a liar. What difference will it make if he says your worst fears are true?

I want him to admit my worst fears are true so I then know. What I don’t want is him to lie about it and then I’m stuck in the same position of knowing but having no proof.

What do you do?

Keep living like this and drive yourself demented waiting for absolute proof - bear in mind he has upped his game now because he knows you know,

Or confront him and be damned if he calls you paranoid. So what. You know you're not. You know the timeline. You know how his behaviour has changed in line with this. You know what you saw. You know you've seen him on his phone at ridiculous times of the night.
When he lies, tell him you don't believe him. Tell him you believe he has another woman and the fact that he has wiped everything leads to this also. Be upfront with him. Tell him you cannot live like this, and if he wants to fuck off and be with someone else the door is that way.

If he asks what now, tell him you are considering your options and you'll get back to him.

I think it's time to play your hand tbh.

Just to add

I understand if you think my posts are harsh - they are meant to be. Although I do mean them kindly.

I've been you. I wanted to be absolutely sure even though the red flags were practically hitting me in the face. He had an answer for everything.

I wish I had left sooner - I never got my absolute proof in the end. Sometimes you just know.

Can I ask you, if your ex had admitted everything to you, do you think you would’ve been able to work through it? Do you think the lying about it was the final straw?

They may both have sent up new email accounts to message each other via Apple watch. Gmail app has account management which hides accounts.

Affairs require ever increasing deception to survive detection. I’m certain it’s part of the excitement risking being found out whilst not wanting to lose the dopamine hits from the affair. Thinking they’ve got away with it will tighten security for a while but soon they’ll get sloppy.

Ask to try the watch for body monitoring. Observe his reaction and efforts to hide things or not to give you the watch all at. It’s all telling.

Emotional online contact affairs can go on for years without partners finding out.

If he had admitted he'd cheated on me? Not a chance would I have stayed and he probably knew that which is why he wouldn't admit it.

He was certainly surprised when I bit the bullet and left him anyway!

Ok. Thanks for that. We have had heated words about this new smart watch already today. The children are being settled for bed. I am thinking that it might be an idea to use the watch as a way to bring everything up. I am thinking that I just say, “I know about her and this is your one chance to tell me the truth because if you lie to me now, it’s over. It has to be the whole, brutal truth. baring in mind I already know but I want to hear it from you. If you tell me the truth then maybe we can work this out.” That might give him the push to tell the truth. And if not, then it’s curtains. What do you think?

I think this is a very good idea

Good luck x

If you do choose to do that you must be ready to stand your ground OP and hold your bluff, so to speak, if he pretends to know nothing or tries to gaslight you.

You need to appear convincingly sure that you know, even if he persists in refusing to tell you and ridicules you for being paranoid. Don’t show any sign of uncertainty or backing down.

I wouldn’t tell him he had “one chance”. I would tell him that you know about her and that he needs to leave. If he wants to stay (though why would you want him) he will deny it but then when he realises it’s up he’ll admit it and beg for forgiveness.

Hi OP I had evidence and I’m sorry to say but he denied it would lie to the point where he deleted stuff and I found in his history he was image searching her name and he said he must of accidentally typed her name into google looking for her phone contact and spent two mins on images lol

condoms in his car he went angry and said they were from the car buyer before.

deleted msgs because well he knew I would be upset over anything.

them saying how much their conversations mean to one another. We are just friends!

we carried on for over a year and I actually thought we were okay and then he just left one day and want to know what happened without the space of a few weeks? He is in a relationship with her and they are going into property business and she’s buying him a house to live in out of her divorce money when it comes through.

he half admitted to cheating then now back to denying it again.

don’t be me OP my ex when I confronted him I gave him every chance to be honest, I did the I know routine and I think I could of caught them in bed and they would of gone ooo we were just tired. 😂

I think this “getting angry” about being challenged about the smart watch is a deflection and an excuse to fall out with you.
I’ve previously thought playing the long game and waiting for him to hang himself is the way you’re going to find out. However, from what you’ve said, putting it all
together, I’m beginning to think he’s already “checked out” and sadly, despite your main reason for making absolutely sure you’re right about the OW for your kids, isn’t going to make any difference if he’s already checked out anyway 🥺

I had evidence of an affair and it was still denied and was gaslit.

You need to do what’s right for you. It’s easy for everyone to tell you to leave but when it’s your reality it’s not so plain and simple.

From experience, I think you’re putting off the inevitable. I know you’re holding off for proof and to get evidence but sadly he’s hidden it all now. I’m glad you’re going to talk to him and I know it will be a difficult discussion but you can’t put it off any longer. The longer your wait the more you’ll tear yourself apart.

I’m hoping for the best for you but he’s already destroying you. Whatever he tells you, try take time to have some distance from him. You need to focus on you and your children and put your happiness first.

@TipsyJoker I would trust your gut.
Deleting and ‘cleaning up’ is fine unless he needed to delete and clean up.
If you, not me, not anybody else, nobody here, thinks / just knows there is something really wrong about this, even if you don’t know what “this” is, then you already know you need to have a serious conversation about this.
I know how crazy this sounds, how improbable. All I had was a gut feeling that something, somewhere, was horribly wrong and I still tried to find a narrative that disproved my suspicions. Because my husband wouldn’t ever, ever do this to me. Not. Ever. Right? “Not my Nigel” as MN says.
My gut screamed at me and the night he was with her I debated getting the last train to the city they were in and going to the hotel he was “with his mates” and confronting them but I didn’t want to worry my kids or lie to them so I didn’t and opted for an ambiguous message to make him feel loved if I was wrong (I had to be wrong, right???) and like a total shit if I was right, telling him how much I missed and loved him.
It probably did a complete Dambusters bounce and had no effect.

You know him better than anybody. With no evidence all you can do is ask, get him to explain her, the deleting and sanitising. And watch his face. Hear his attitude. Anger can be righteous “How dare you accuse me of…??” from an innocent person to a mechanism for closing down a topic of conversation and warning you off ever going near it again. Only you know if he’s used anger as a deflection before.
If your gut has convinced you, and you want to confront, you need to know that you are confronting a liar. Not the husband you think you know. If you’re right, and he’s cheating, he doesn’t exist as you knew him at the moment and possibly never did.
Lying is awful to you and me, we wouldn’t do it, but to a cheater it’s a way of getting by. It won’t touch the sides as far as his conscience is concerned.
My mistake was to see my husband as the guy I knew from 35 years ago who had just gone awry, made mistakes, was still the guy I married but had just lost his way. It was bollocks. I was an idiot prepared to believe anything but the truth.
Believe in what you feel and go ahead with that. If he can’t disprove it with hard evidence then I’m sorry but I wouldn’t believe him, you know the “real” him and if this isn’t your “real” him, it really isn’t. Sorry bit spidey senses/ gut feelings are real and we ignore them at our peril.
Only you can figure it out, @TipsyJoker , and in your time,nobody else’s, but why no hard evidence or chance of it, I’d ask.