Step-daughter moving in. How much rent?

[Fandabydosy]

HELP, my partners daughter is 18, her mum is moving away so she wants to move in with us, it's just me and him and I like my own space. I don't know her that well as she has only called occasionally even though I've been with her dad for 9 years, it's making me very anxious. I feel like I have to say yes coz I'd do the same for my kids but it's putting a massive strain on our relationship also how much per week should I charge her for rent? I'm annoyed coz I wasn't involved in the discussion she asked her dad, he said yes and then didn't tell me for months until I overheard a convo between them discussing bedroom furniture. I feel like splitting up and getting my own place, my heads in a whirl.

OP it sounds to me like you don't want the baggage that your partner brings. When you bought your house was there never a discussion about your respective children and possible future living arrangements? Your partner's daughter would have been under 18 so there was always a possibility that he would need to step up and be a full-time parent. What if her mum had become ill or died?

It's a tricky one. If my partner was in the same position as yours, it would be a massive red flag to me if he was anything other than happy and willing to support his 18 year old daughter moving in. I mean what sort of parent would act otherwise. A pretty shit one if you ask me. He should absolutely have spoken to you about it as soon as it became a thing to check how you feel about it, although I would have hoped as I say that you'd had that discussion when you bought your house. It sounds to me as though he avoided discussing it as he was concerned about your view. And it sounds like he had every right to be concerned as he technically has to decide whether to step up and do the right thing by his daughter or risk losing you, albeit being avoidant to that choice is not helpful.

You have every right to decide how you want to live and you cannot force yourself to be happy with a situation you feel pressured to accept and don't want to be in. It does sound as though you are happy to give things a go and hopefully it will be fine. But it seems from your responses that you feel pretty resentful and are quite begrudgingly accepting his daughter into your household. I sense that if you could more easily get out of your currently living arrangements you would take that option instead.

If that is the case, then your relationship with your partner is a conditional and limited one. Does a part of you not want him to be more assertive and be clear that although he understands you would prefer her to not live with you, he must put his 18 year old daughter first in this scenario and if that means separating so be it? He sounds pretty pathetic if I am honest and that cannot be an attractive look!

Im genuinely interested so I hope this doesn't come across as goading - I admire your sentiment and you are welcome to have it, even though mine is different but I suspect so are our lives

I don't take your comment as goady at all if you don't mean it to be.

What happens if your son gets to his late 20s? Or older - and is still living with you? Will you still pay for all his bills? Would that be a massive drain on your own finances, savings for retirement etc while he accumulates thousands in the bank?

My sentiment was more that our DS will always have a home with us, I don't anticipate (nor want) him to stay at home, we envisage he will go off to live at uni, travel, then settle down, but if it doesn't go that way, yes, he will always be able to come back home. If he was still at home in his late 20s, I would expect something had gone wrong, and he would be saving for a deposit on a house, so I wouldn't charge him, I would want him saving to buy his own place. I don't envisage any problems with our pensions and we can stand the cost if we chose to. Although the OPs, partners daughter is only 18, so not late 20s.

And what if he were to not respect your rules as an adult? Not cleaning up etc?

He would have to, that will never change.

Your last few responses have been really rude, unless someone says what you want to hear.

I have only been rude to people that have been rude to me. Some people are very judgemental and make personal comments when there is no need for it and they do not know my background. I can take any form of criticism otherwise I wouldn't have posted on here but if your reply is unnecessary or irrelevant why bother?