Step-daughter moving in. How much rent?

[Fandabydosy]

HELP, my partners daughter is 18, her mum is moving away so she wants to move in with us, it's just me and him and I like my own space. I don't know her that well as she has only called occasionally even though I've been with her dad for 9 years, it's making me very anxious. I feel like I have to say yes coz I'd do the same for my kids but it's putting a massive strain on our relationship also how much per week should I charge her for rent? I'm annoyed coz I wasn't involved in the discussion she asked her dad, he said yes and then didn't tell me for months until I overheard a convo between them discussing bedroom furniture. I feel like splitting up and getting my own place, my heads in a whirl.

Is it a terrible wage? It's similar to what I was earning in my last job! And I'm more than 18.

Having a child gives you additional responsibilities, not entitlements.

When 2 people begin a relationship and one of them has a child THAT person's responsibilities increase in terms of navigating the demands of being a parent and all it's practicalities, not the new partner's.

I'm sure he does want to accommodate his daughter, but the reality is he shares his house with another person who gets a say also.

Oh come on, she's barely an adult, just out of full time education and currently living with her Mum. You don't simply absolve yourself of any parental responsibilities once your child hits 18. I would have been devastated if, as a teenager, my Mum had moved away and my Dad's partner refused to let me live with him.

The OP is well within her rights to refuse, but it would be incredibly cold if she did, ESPECIALLY as she said in her first post she would let her own children move back home if needed.

Of course she gets a say. Is she really saying "I'm throwing this all away because you want to help your young adult child out"?

When 2 people begin a relationship and one of them has a child THAT person's responsibilities increase in terms of navigating the demands of being a parent and all it's practicalities, not the new partner's.

When 2 people being a relationship and one of them has a child, the person who doesn't have that same child is a fool to think the existence of that child should have no impact on them whatsoever. How ridiculous.

You've missed the point. Of course it impact them, but it doesn't strip them of autonomy or rights.

Having a child does not give you any more weight in decisions which directly impact someone else. If you can't remember that, write it down.

The minimum wage is now £11.42 which on a 40 hour week is just over £400/week. I know employers don't legally have to pay 18 year olds that but plenty pay them an actual living wage.

Your 19 year old sounds like a thoughtful young man.

Is it a terrible wage? It's similar to what I was earning in my last job! And I'm more than 18.

It's not a great wage. Isn't the living wage around £12 an hour? £400 a week is around that amount. My son got that for working in a supermarket part time whilst at uni so it's not great.

It might be minimum wage, but for a teen who lives at home it's not terrible IMO.

@Fandabydosy thank you. He's rather wonderful.

Believe me I've not had a lovely quiet 9 years, you have no idea so go and crawl back under your rock or is that being a bit judgemental 🤔

He absolutely should have asked you first if it's your home too.
You need to think of rules and then discuss with him and he can tell her.
Eg - cooking - who does what and when? Cleaning up after oneself? Deeper cleaning chores like kitchen bathrooms - who does it when? Can you all help yourselves to all food in fridge? Having friends over? Boyfriends or hook ups to stay? ALL of that needs discussing in advance and agreeing before she moves in.

I guess also this is a lesson for us all with blending families there's always a chance a kid will need to stay so to agree in advance before buying together what would happen sounds appropriate

No, that’s utter bollocks in my opinion. A parent isn’t beholden to support an adult child indefinitely, for goodness sake. (Obviously a child with severe disabilities is a different matter.)

Once your children reach adulthood, parents should be free to live their own lives, especially if they are no longer living with the other parent. It’s very presumptuous to assume you can swan back whenever you feel like it.

Of course the OP should be consulted as it’s her actual home.

If she’s in agreement, then it’s sensible to invoke some basic ground rules inc, rent and food costs. Living in a house with multiple occupants isn’t easy even when they’re your own children!

True.
Him wanting to offer his daughter a home is NOT the issue.

Him doing it and not telling his spouse who owns half the house, for MONTHS and only finding out by chance IS the issue.

He is a lying CF and the OP has every right to be rethinking the relationship.

This is all on him.

Love your response 👏 some people live in a different century, I'm planning on retiring soon and should be able to plan my future as I want to. It's not my fault he was an old fart when he had a child 😂

Honestly uou write like a 12 year old.

And you spell like a 5 year old 🤷‍♀️

🙄

enjoy having your stepdaughter living with you op.

I don't think your can charge her anything. If she hasn't lived with her dad for most of her childhood he'd have a cheek charging her. If you want paid for having her I would ask her dad, your DP, and not her.

Hmm, I think it's a tricky one. My dp moved his dd in (she's in her early 20s) and I felt I had to agree - her dm was moving too and she needed it, and I wanted her to feel safe and secure. BUT.....we didn't really know each other and it was very hard. She refused to pay rent despite working full time, and she cost us a lot of money. She had totally different ideas about cleanliness and hygiene which I found difficult to cope with. She made noises about dp and me buying her a convertible car because 'I'm rich' apparently (I'm not). She borrowed, or took, my things without asking. She was very moody and changed the whole atmosphere to the point where I just didn't want to be at home anymore. She told me she could do as she pleased in 'her dad's house' (it's our house jointly paid for).

Honestly, she was probably just a normal young girl who was unhappy that her dm had moved away and her friends had all left to chase careers and travel while she was still deciding what to do with life I guess, but living with her was one of the most stressful times in my life. If she needed help again, obviously I'd help, and I wish her the best, but I think living with her again would kill me. Are you similar? Do you know each other well? I feel like things would have gone better if dp had managed both of our expectations and supported each of us more, seeing as he was the one who knew us both.

It's good to hear from somebody who has been through something similar, I think it's difficult when you are set in your ways and have different expectations on cleaning etc, i know I struggled living with my partner at first as we had different ideas on housework but we have managed to work things out so I'm hoping we can do the same when she moves in. Sounds like you had a hard time and I can imagine it put a strain on you all. I'm guessing she has moved out now? We get on OK it's just going to be a massive difference from seeing somebody for an hour or two to 24/7. I've received lots of good advice on this page and it's made me think I will see how it goes but I will also not make myself unhappy and stick with a situation that isn't working out.

@kidney you were very patient to put up with that and like the OP, your partner wasn't supportive.

The OP's partner is a CF liar so I wouldn't hold out high hopes for him stepping up.

You are near retirement OP, so it is good to read you are not going to tolerate it being spoiled.

I would give a provisional 3 months, 6 months is too long to accept any form of disrespect.
Make it crystal clear to your partner that you didn't sign up for 24/7 being sprung on you without consultation and that you are not having HIM and his poor behaviour spoiling your retirement.

I would strongly recommend you make plans that protect you and give you options.
It will give you a greater feeling of control especially now that you have learnt how dishonest he can be.
I think dishonesty is the death knell of any relationship, so protect yourself.

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

Good advice 👍

If she earns a good wage why doesn’t she rent a room in a shared house (with her friends) instead of moving in with you?
My concern would be that if you charge her nominal rent she’d never want to move out and pay higher rent elsewhere.

I do understand why your husband had to say yes to her moving in (how could he not?) and I guess he must have been quite stressed about it, which is why he didn’t tell you.

My experience of living with and ex and his 22 years old daughter was tricky. In hindsight, I should have done things differently, but at the time I was too emotional to think straight. My ex tried to make sure his daughter felt really welcome in his house, so the boundaries between daughter & partner were blurred. For e.g would take her food (or furniture) shopping and not even ask me if I wanted to go too (or instead). In the evening he’d sit downstairs with her in the kitchen instead of coming upstairs to the living room to watch tv with me (on nights when she didn’t want to watch tv). She’d go in our bedroom and take things from our en-suite bathroom but my ex would refuse to tell her off. Of course I didn’t care about the shampoo etc but about her going through my stuff. These things may seem insignificant but they made me feel jealous and caused me a lot of pain. Especially when my ex wasn’t warm towards me.
But I do feel bad that I wasn’t more mature and didn’t act differently as it must have been hard for her too to be in her father’s house with me there. And it was definitely stressful for my ex.

So, OP, if your SD moves in, I would set clear boundaries from the outside about how much rent she should pay, who does the cooking, cleaning etc. I would be inclined to say ask for a decent rent so she learns how to budget; and then you can give some of it back when she does move out. I would also set a max time for how long she should stay with you.

It might work out well, you never know. She may be out in the evenings with her friends and she may be nice to have around.

but gosh, I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes, I simply wouldn’t want anyone else in my house