Wife is miserable where we live, but moving is not an option. Unsure of how to overcome this impasse?

[conflictedhubby0622]

Hello everyone, I am looking for some advice or insight. My wife and I seem to be at an impasse in our marriage.

My wife and I have been together for 8 years and married for 5. We have a 1 year old daughter. My wife is a nurse and I work at a power plant. Before we had our daughter, my wife was a travel nurse. It was hard with her being away weeks at a time, but I knew that was her dream and I wanted to support her. Since having our daughter, travel nursing is no longer a feasible option as she would be gone for weeks at a time.

I have worked at my workplace for 11 years and am in a pretty coveted position. It is usually held by engineers but I was in the right place at the right time and an exception was made for me- I do not have a degree. It is pretty flexible with hours and I have amazing benefits. The only "downside" is I would never be able to get a position like I do now anywhere else nor the benefits I have or the pay I have.

So here comes the problem, my wife absolutely hates where we live, rural Indiana. She is more of a city girl and there really are not many job options for nurses here as there is only 1 hospital and pay for nurses is fairly low here. It was not an issue before we had our daughter but now that travel nursing is not an option, she is absolutely miserable.

She has begged for us to move and while I do want her to be happy, moving is really not an option. Not only because of my job, but our mortgage rate is low and we would never be able to get a cheaper mortgage than what we have now. I would have to take a massive pay cut and have a significant downgrade in benefits if I were to leave my job. Plus I would lose my pension.

I have suggested couples counseling and she has shot that down saying it will not change our circumstances so it would be a waste of time and money. I have suggested she could go traveling again and she has said that it is just not possible with our daughter as she would have to be gone for weeks at a time since there are no close travel contracts in her specialty anywhere near us.

I am at a loss for what to do. This has caused a huge strain in our marriage and I do not know where to go from here to overcome this.

this is why renting for 6 months in the city as a trial might be a good idea- try it, see what’s possible.

Could be funded out of the same money used to fund the 40 foreign holidays they have been having between meeting 8 years ago and having a baby together around 18 months ago. Sorted.

I think it looks like you have her trapped there for a decade on the surface.

If I was advising your wife, I would tell her to get her place in the city with her baby and if you contest the relocation she can see you in court.

The courts states that a legitimate reason such as 'employment' will definitely be considered, and is under the laws there considered 'reasonable'. So if I was her, I would take my chances with the Judge. Because ten years stuck in a backwater with a selfish, money obsessed husband that prioritises everything over my well being and will not compromise is no life at all.

I would encourage her to get some excellent legal advice and go through the courts if you can not not be reasonable.

You should however do the right thing and agree to her relocation mid week with the baby and her mother to the city, support her decision without a fuss and work on enjoying your life and marriage at the weekends, or she will grow to hate and despise you. The resentment alone with kill your marriage.

Some things are more important than money op, and I think you are just about to find this out.

I'm not really sure what she's expecting you to do here?
Clearly it isn't possible for you to move right now your reasons are sound and you seem to be thinking of what's best for your daughter in the long run. That isn't having a unhappy mother so it sounds as if you aren't going to be able to work this out sadly.
You both sound trapped tbh, but you're in a life you love so it's easier for you.

I don’t think your wife actually knows what she wants. If she’s this unhappy then she need to come up with a plan that works for all 3 of you but I think you’d be mad to sacrifice such financial security especially as there’s an end goal.
I also feel sorry for her Mum who moved to be near to her DD and DGD…..it doesn’t seem as if your wife has considered her at all!

I personally think your wife and you both need to be patient.

There is no quick fix for your situation. The child is young and needs both her parents the most at this age.

As the child gets older there will be more opportunity for you both about career option again.

I think you should both look at a 5 year plan once your daughter is in school and more independent.

You have to start looking for alternative jobs in this period in area that not super rural but not very expensive.

You both have to compromise and make small steps to achieve a 5 year plan. But its a compromise.

I'm sorry but those siding with the wife here and bemoaning the DH, actually read all OPs comments, everything he does and he seems to bend over backward for her , she is still unhappy.
Financially secure, big house, a huge amount of travel, on tap family support, but but she doesn't like her co workers, doesn't like the town, doesn't want a nanny , doesn't want to be a sahm.
As I said before if this was a woman posting this the guy would be hung out to dry for not making an effort for
the family, being selfish etc.
I think she sounds incredibly negative and ungrateful. If she so desperate to travel then off she goes or lives in a city mon/fri and home to you and child on weekends. Don't assume your child needs to be with her.

“I also feel sorry for her Mum who moved to be near to her DD and DGD…..it doesn’t seem as if your wife has considered her at all!”

We have no idea - DW may have discussed with her DM if DM would also like to move to the city. And we don’t know how far away DM has moved from - if she was in Rhode Island and has come to a place 20 mins away in Indiana, then a move to the city by the family would still leave her with 2-3h travel time only rather than a multiple of that.

My current 401k match is 100% at 9%. Jobs I would qualify for have a 3% match. That’s an astronomical difference. I would also forfeit my entire pension if I leave before 20 years- which is a huge chunk of change

I think you are getting a hard time @conflictedhubby0622 .
Based in the UK, as many posters are, myself included, we may not be realising the importance in the US of having the benefits your current employment brings.

But in order to move this forward , your wife needs to articulate where she sees herself living, and what her daily life looks

And in your own case, you need to figure out what makes you happy longer term. And that may include re-evaluating the marriage.

Ultimately, if she cannot be happy as things are, and you feel unhappy at the thought of giving up your current life, then maybe you separate and move forward apart, but with your child at the centre of your decisions. You are both young, and can rebuild your lives whichever options you choose.

Well we can assume it maybe was a city if her Dd is a city girl.

Does she want to be travelling a lot? We don’t know her age

@Kelly51

Do you doubt her genuine unhappiness? She’s had a hell of a time in the last 12-18 months and OP doesn’t intend to make any changes for the best part of a decade.

I agree she should try and be more concrete about solutions but she is deeply unhappy.

She is 47 - OP said so.

I would not move and lose so much money/pension for someone who doesn't seem that comparable with me.

It worked when she was off most of the time working away. It doesn't work now she is with you 24/7. Who's to say it would work if both in the city together all the time?

I'm just curious. What does forfeiting pension mean? Like all money you've paid into your pension is gone. Poof. Or they take away their 9% match?

She’s more than welcome to go that route if she pleases. She does have employment here and her income alone puts her best the top 1% of income for this area and they will take that into consideration

That is a very negative and odd take on the thread.

The wife can not stay at home, she has no pension and is in a pre nup marriage. She has to work, or she will run out of money and savings pretty damn quickly. Legally, she is entitled to very little. So the SAHM thing is a non starter and op knows it.

A big house in an isolated horrible area is not a gift, it is a golden cage and a prison to all intents and purposes.

Spending ten years in a hellhole without the means to advance her career is clearly a step too far for most people.

I would not want to be trapped in a place I hated for TEN years, I can't think of anyone that would be happy with this arrangement. With only one option to work in a place she does not like.

No amount of holidays are going to make a difference if she is seriously unhappy and feels forced into a corner of op's making.

She should take legal advice, go to the courts and take a chance if she really wants to move and op won't agree to it.

No, the OP and wife are ages 33 and 31.

You are a piece of work. You have manipulated all of this to your advantage.

Maybe she will sadly lose her job there with a little luck, and then she can apply to the courts that way....

Given she can only work in one hospital, I guess if she lost her job she would be reasonably able to apply to relocate with the courts. Good, solid legal advice is what she needs urgently.

I think maybe she's feeling trapped but sometimes we are just that, we have to knuckle down for a few years til it's the right time to make that move. Good luck

She is an adult she can take her own decisions for her own life. Ten years is not a 'few years' is it....

Her mom moved from an hour away.

Without hearing your wife's side (which may be very different) I'd say it sounds like you have tried to find a solution and short of giving up your job and financial security, there isn't one.

I'm wondering if your wife would be happy settled anywhere? Has she said she really wants to live in a particular place? It sounds to me like she enjoyed her life of travel and freedom and now motherhood has curtailed that. With a young child, she is kind of trapped. But that would still be the case if you lived in a city - more so, perhaps, because she wouldn't have the same resources and income.

It sounds to me like your wife needs to figure out a way she can manage for the next decade until you can both retire. Maybe when your DC is older she would be more willing to work away? If the situation is as you've described it, she is the one who needs to start coming up with solutions.

Well like I said, she’s more than welcome to go that route if that is what she pleases

@conflictedhubby0622 where in Indiana are you? Based on my own current location(SW Michigan) and misery, I may have some ideas for you if you let me know where in Indy you are