Wife is miserable where we live, but moving is not an option. Unsure of how to overcome this impasse?

[conflictedhubby0622]

Hello everyone, I am looking for some advice or insight. My wife and I seem to be at an impasse in our marriage.

My wife and I have been together for 8 years and married for 5. We have a 1 year old daughter. My wife is a nurse and I work at a power plant. Before we had our daughter, my wife was a travel nurse. It was hard with her being away weeks at a time, but I knew that was her dream and I wanted to support her. Since having our daughter, travel nursing is no longer a feasible option as she would be gone for weeks at a time.

I have worked at my workplace for 11 years and am in a pretty coveted position. It is usually held by engineers but I was in the right place at the right time and an exception was made for me- I do not have a degree. It is pretty flexible with hours and I have amazing benefits. The only "downside" is I would never be able to get a position like I do now anywhere else nor the benefits I have or the pay I have.

So here comes the problem, my wife absolutely hates where we live, rural Indiana. She is more of a city girl and there really are not many job options for nurses here as there is only 1 hospital and pay for nurses is fairly low here. It was not an issue before we had our daughter but now that travel nursing is not an option, she is absolutely miserable.

She has begged for us to move and while I do want her to be happy, moving is really not an option. Not only because of my job, but our mortgage rate is low and we would never be able to get a cheaper mortgage than what we have now. I would have to take a massive pay cut and have a significant downgrade in benefits if I were to leave my job. Plus I would lose my pension.

I have suggested couples counseling and she has shot that down saying it will not change our circumstances so it would be a waste of time and money. I have suggested she could go traveling again and she has said that it is just not possible with our daughter as she would have to be gone for weeks at a time since there are no close travel contracts in her specialty anywhere near us.

I am at a loss for what to do. This has caused a huge strain in our marriage and I do not know where to go from here to overcome this.

From the OP, at 1035:

no shes not. Her mom works full time. she has her when she was 16 so she is only 47

In replying to a PP, who said we didn’t know DW’s mum’s age.

HTH.

Problem is, neither of you know if moving will scratch that itch she has. She could want to keep moving and not settle anywhere.

Tbh I'd say she needs to do a chunk of travelling again. Not on the scale of before, but something.

I'm bemused at the posts saying the OP is stubborn / inflexible / unwilling to compromise. It's clearly the wife who's all those things. It doesn't sound like she'd be happy living in a city either. She needs to do a lot of work on herself.

Your job has got you by the balls then.

Realistically, you are not going to up sticks in 9 years time and have a more cosmopolitan lifestyle are you? Isn't the reality you will stay in your locality, given your own family are there, you have family businesses and land there? Neither will your wife settle there permanently.

Personally, I think your marriage is over. Neither your location, family roots nor assets are sufficient to make your wife happy. Most of all you can't make her happy either and vice versa. You perhaps need to be thinking about splitting up but must always put your daughter first. Children can get terribly fucked over on both a divorce or living in a loveless relationship. There is a way to separate without trauma.

The wife's mum is 47.

HTH

Yes all the money from my pension would be gone. How pensions work is you have to work for a place X amount of time to get the pension. Mine is 20 years minimum. So if I left now, I get nothing.

Yes I know. Sheesh.

The poster who quoted me failed to notice that I had quoted a poster saying we didn’t know DW’s mum’s age. We do.

It would be super great if people could check context before they quote others.

I think the OP is getting a hard time here considering what he is trying to do to help

OP, I do wonder if she may have PND or if is just frustrated that it is impossible to have what she wants

It sounds like she wants to live in the city, but for you to still have the same job, financial benefits and standard of living you have now.

She misses her job, but doesn't want it back as she doesn't want to leave the baby

She can't have the perfect solution and she needs to accept that.

She made a commitment to living rurally for the minimum length of your contract to enable future financial security for you both (& now your child). She might now have changed her mind now - but you can't just magic up the same package elsewhere. It's also massively unfair on her Mum who has moved to be nearby. She is wanting to change the goalposts

You are going away every weekend to places she wants, doing 6 big vacations a year, happy for her to spend time visiting friends, offered to get her a city bolthole etc.
And saying she can choose where you live after retirement

Short of you winning the lottery, she can't have what she wants - which is to move house and have the same level of house, lifestyle & money!

I think you are distancing yourself from the relationship a bit because you know there is nothing you can do to make the situation fit her perfect picture

I think some counselling may help as she obviously needs to vent her frustrations, but also look at her options realistically

I would pay good money to hear ops wife side of the story.

It seems to me that you are on two very separate paths. Sometimes there are situations where no amount of compromise is going to work and this might be one of them. Only one of you can be happy if you stay together, regardless of location.

@Hummingbird75
Not negative, just looking at fron something other than the 'perfect woman' view MN have.
His wife lived there before the child was born, knew his job restraints and now is unhappy with everything, maybe it doesn't need to all be blamed on OP. She sounds completely unwilling to consider anything other than 'live in a city' why did she marry OP when his life is so miserable to her.

Call Dave Ramsey

He will give it to you straight.

She can’t afford to move. She needs to see that before you walk out of a great job,

I think you should trial your wife moving to the nearest city with your DD, allowing her to see how living and working in the city with balancing childcare fits her.

With your flexible working you could have a Monday or Friday off to travel down and have 3 day weekends all together maybe every other weekend staying in the city and then coming back to the main home.

The ultimate issue here is your wife doesn't like where you live, none of your " compromises " really take note of that.

Currently you are getting everything your own way, you're being incredibly selfish, she has sacrificed much more in this relationship and telling her she can't take her DD more than 20 miles away is a really awful, insidious threat, quite disgusting actually and children thrive more so with a happy mother and you're restrictions are keeping her depressed.

You also didn't have to include the pension in your prenuptial even if she reccomended it, she was scoring an own goal, you knew that and acted only in your own self interest.

That's not what a decent husband does.

@jackstini You are of course assuming that OP and his wife want to be together? I am not hearing it.

Do her friends in the city have children? It sounds like she’s resentful of being a mum. She maybe feels a child has curtailed her freedom so isn’t happy with anything. She loves her child so doesn’t direct her dissatisfaction at her baby, but at you, your location, her job, her co-workers, etc? That’s my gut feeling.

Have you asked her about her feelings? Ignore the ‘wanting to move’ bit and try to ask how she feels about her future, your child, the pre-nup now, her career, etc. On the face of it, you seem to have been very helpful, offering to get her a place in the city, etc. Tread carefully, ask gentle questions, give her a chance to talk, and then perhaps you’ll have more idea of the issues.

I don’t understand why he’s getting so much flack, even called abusive. Maybe I’m missing something as I admit I haven’t read every post.

I know he has a pre nup but that’s for generational inherited land and I don’t understand the pension stuff as it’s probably very American, but I would be very loathe to sacrifice such a pension for the sake of nine years because my other half was bored (despite having family, friends and a job locally).

Obviously it would help to hear from his wife’s perspective but how many on here would honestly move under these exact circumstances (loss of pension, higher house prices, no support network etc) if their partner didn’t didn’t like where they lived and rejected every suggestion offered to them.

You can’t afford to move, and what do you need 3 cars for?

Oh my goodness OP!
Deleted my Mumsnet some time ago due to finding some people here quite rude but I come here about twice a month to pass some time.

Today was one of those days and I can't believe I came across this thread and even registered here again because I have so much to say!

I'm on the other side of this.
Place marking and I'll write it all from the other person's perspective later today. I totally get how your wife feels as I've been feeling very low and depressed about it for years now.

The 20 miles is the law. I did not write the laws. Am I a horrible person and father because I do not want to just see my daughter on the weekends? Am I horrible I do not want to leave the job that I love that has provided me and my wife and daughter most Americans and people could only dream of? That provided benefits most Americans would kill for? That will allow for me to be able to pay for my daughters college? A downpayment on her home? That will pay for all our medical expenses if heaven forbid we need it? Medical expenses alone bankrupt Americans. We get it for free with my job. People pay their whole lives on student loans and my daughter will not have to worry about that.

if the shoe were on the other foot, would you say the same? If I said, “I make 1% of the income in my area and my spouse pays for all our trips, house, bills, 5-6 vacations a year etc but I’m unhappy here so I’m just going to take my daughter where ever and fuck her other other loving parent, how would you respond? I’m sorry I don’t want to be without my daughter. You would be praising the law that says I couldn’t take my child more than 20 miles without her mothers say if roles were reversed. The law is the law. She is more than welcome to go the legal route if she wished and I will deal with whatever is a result of that, whether positive or negative for me.

I didn’t include the pension in my prenup? The prenup was only supposed to be for the land I will inherit when my dad and uncle are gone. She was the one who wanted me to put my 401k and pension in there because she didn’t want to marry me for money-her words. I said no and she insisted so I said we would meet in the middle and I would put my 401k in there and leave out the pension. The pension is worth more. How is that not being a decent husband? You will be hard pressed to find a guy who wouldn’t think twice about putting their pension had 401k into a prenup, especially at the request of their future wife. I’ve told her several times if we divorce, she can have the house and half my pension and 401k-even though she’s not legally entitled to it.

We can afford to move, but we would be worse off financially. We wouldn’t be able to save for retirement at the rate we are, we wouldn’t be able to go in as many trips and vacations as we do- which is important to her as travel isn’t really my thing but I go for her. I’ve brought all this up to her and she will just sigh. My car and truck are paid off and have been for years. My insurance for both is less than $100 combined. She has a new SUV

I have. Really nothing would change

Does she not verbalise what she’s sighing about? Do you know what her best case scenario would be? If she were able to plan and execute what her ideal life would be (all aspects) what would that look like?

None of her friends have children. I’ve asked her about her feelings and she will just get snappy or shoot down any of my suggestions-therapy, marriage counseling, her going back to travel, her getting a place/job in the city etc.