Wife is miserable where we live, but moving is not an option. Unsure of how to overcome this impasse?

[conflictedhubby0622]

Hello everyone, I am looking for some advice or insight. My wife and I seem to be at an impasse in our marriage.

My wife and I have been together for 8 years and married for 5. We have a 1 year old daughter. My wife is a nurse and I work at a power plant. Before we had our daughter, my wife was a travel nurse. It was hard with her being away weeks at a time, but I knew that was her dream and I wanted to support her. Since having our daughter, travel nursing is no longer a feasible option as she would be gone for weeks at a time.

I have worked at my workplace for 11 years and am in a pretty coveted position. It is usually held by engineers but I was in the right place at the right time and an exception was made for me- I do not have a degree. It is pretty flexible with hours and I have amazing benefits. The only "downside" is I would never be able to get a position like I do now anywhere else nor the benefits I have or the pay I have.

So here comes the problem, my wife absolutely hates where we live, rural Indiana. She is more of a city girl and there really are not many job options for nurses here as there is only 1 hospital and pay for nurses is fairly low here. It was not an issue before we had our daughter but now that travel nursing is not an option, she is absolutely miserable.

She has begged for us to move and while I do want her to be happy, moving is really not an option. Not only because of my job, but our mortgage rate is low and we would never be able to get a cheaper mortgage than what we have now. I would have to take a massive pay cut and have a significant downgrade in benefits if I were to leave my job. Plus I would lose my pension.

I have suggested couples counseling and she has shot that down saying it will not change our circumstances so it would be a waste of time and money. I have suggested she could go traveling again and she has said that it is just not possible with our daughter as she would have to be gone for weeks at a time since there are no close travel contracts in her specialty anywhere near us.

I am at a loss for what to do. This has caused a huge strain in our marriage and I do not know where to go from here to overcome this.

When she found out she was pregnant, I told her I would support her in whatever decision she made. I told her we could find a clinic wherever that did later term terminations and she was appalled and said she wouldn't "murder a baby". I told her she needed to think about all that having a baby would entail- like having to stop travel for a bit- and she said she knew that but wanted the baby and would make whatever sacrifices.

I also talked to her about how we would not be able to move for the next decade until I was able to get my pension and she said she knew that and it would be okay and she would work at the local hospital until she found a WFH job. I have told her she could go back to being a travel nurse and i will take care of our daughter and she has said no. I have offered for her to get a place in the city that I will pay for and work there and just come home on her days off and she has said no. I told her she could be a SAHM if she wants to and she has said no. I have asked her where she wants to move and looked at jobs in the area and our household income would be less and our bills would triple plus we would be out millions of dollars in retirement.

As far as the prenup, it was for the land I will inherit from my dad and uncle- I am an only child and my uncle has no kids. They want the land to stay in the family so the prenup was to protect that. She was the one who suggested to put my retirement in it. I have no problems at all giving her half of it. I have told her repeatedly if she wants a divorce, I will give her the house, half of my 401k and pension and will pay for everything for our daughter- childcare, school costs, car, college, wedding, etc. Whatever she needs. The only thing I will ever fight her on is taking our daughter far away. Other than that, she can have it all

Exactly.

So your financial situation, big house and low mortgage is important to you but your wife's mental health and career are not.

When she found out she was pregnant, I told her I would support her in whatever decision she made. I told her we could find a clinic wherever that did later term terminations and she was appalled and said she wouldn't "murder a baby

Wow just wow

“ The only thing I will ever fight her on is taking our daughter far away. Other than that, she can have it all”

But the “only thing” you will fight her on is the thing making her unhappy - where she lives and works.

When you discovered the pregnancy, you both acted in good faith. But it is impossible to know how you will feel about some decisions until you are living with them. She is finding it much harder than she expected to be tied to a rural area she doesn’t like and with a young baby to boot, and seemingly no prospect of changing this until your daughter is 10.

It is reasonable for her to be miserable - her life has changed a heck of a lot more than yours has.

She has a job. He has said she can carry on being a 'travel nurse' or work in the city and come home weekends. She said no to every suggestion.
Financial security is massively important. Who tf throws it all away because one spouse is a bit bored.

As an aside, have you both reassessed your contraception?

set to retire at 42 and then traveling, may start at business, spend time with my daughter, etc. We can move wherever she wants then. We go on weekend trios nearly every weekend- chicago, st louis, Cincinnati. louisville, we have been to new york 3x already this year. Plus we go on 5-6 vacations a year- 3 of which are international. We are taking our daughter to disney for a
week next month. We have visited over 40 countries together so far and have more planned. We would not be able to do this if we moved and I did not have my job- financially or time off wise

I haven’t read every post but I’m not clear if she’s working in the local hospital now? If she is, what’s wrong with that? Can she not continue/look for a promotion, specialise or add additional training?

TBH, it sounds like she’s a bit down looking after a 1yr old. She might be happier as your child gets older. She can interact more, go to clubs, meet more other parents. It sounds a little like she thinks being a mum is an inferior career.

Perhaps it’s knowing she can’t move, that’s upsetting her - that she feels tied? Can you distract her from those feelings by encouraging her to train, re-train, volunteer, start her own business, take up a new hobby or sport?

Ok i take some of it back if you do travel as much as feasible. She also needs to be able to articulate what she wants. It’s not clear.

but, people do live just fine on much less or with much higher outgoings, eg a mortgage anywhere else. So there are many many many people who manage a different life from you perfectly happily, you just don’t want to. Your wife may leave you, and you seem totally unfazed by that, which makes me wonder about the relationship.

And what's her response to that? That's a very substantial downside. If you moved, it's likely you would only be able to afford a house in a poorer neighbourhood. That might be ok, but have you both had a looking at the type of housing you'd be able to afford, in the neighbourhoods they're in? What kind of sacrifices is she willing to make within regards to that?

While the mortgage is a factor, the biggest thing is I would lose my pension and my 401l match. We would be losing out in millions of dollars in the long run. I do love her and don’t mean to seem unfazed if she left but I can’t force someone to be with me. I have suggested marriage counseling and she has said no. I have offered for both of us to go to therapy and she has said no. I have offered to pay for a place for her in the city and she has said no. I have offered for her to go back to being a travel nurse and she has said no. I’m not going to beg her to be with me if that’s not what she wants

If I was 9 years away from retirement. I'm not sure how excited I was about getting a degree that takes years and costs fuckton. And then get a new job, give up fuckton of money from pension for the pleasure of working 20 years longer.

She doesn’t respond, she will just sigh and roll her eyes.

But you don’t have to give up your job if you move to the city and commute back to your current job.

even if this means you live away at your current location 2 or 3 nights a week.

that would be a compromise - would you consider it?

She works at the local hospital. She makes double the household income here by herself. She said she doesn’t like it and doesn’t like her coworkers. She will go see friends in the city a few times a month- we usually do travel on weekends but if we aren’t, she will go see friends and I’ll keep the baby so she can have that time alone. I have made suggestions to her about getting out and she will just say no. To be fair, there are limited activities here but she also doesn’t try anything new either

Also as others have said, if you are miserable but have an end goal to that, it’s easier to deal with.

given you are set to retire about the time your dd starts middle school, would you be prepared to go see a lawyer and put in writing that you will allow your wife and child to move anywhere within the state (or even out of state) in 9 years time?

she might not believe you that you’d accept moving then. But given that it’s about the time your dd would be changing schools anyway, it’s actually a good time for you all to make a move then.

I guess the big question you need to explore in yourself is can you see yourself really being happy in a city?

But they’d be paying a fortune in childcare. And his DW’s mum has moved to the area to specifically help with childcare.

Which may have left her out of pocket. It’s much bigger than just their problems. Her dm is part of it too.

You have done all you can. She knows she can’t actually have what she dreams of. It’s time for her to grow up.

Yes I got a vasectomy

How do you 'lose' your 401K?

I understand if you leave your job you may not have the matched benefits, but assuming that may only be about $220,000 until you are 42 how do you lose 'millions of dollars'?

I think the lifestyle just doesn't suit her ,she sounds like she's restless even before having the baby travelling all over for weeks at a time and then even back where you live going on vacation sounds to me like someone who can't settle . I think even if you gave in and moved she'd be restless and unsettled very quickly all over again .

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow - still cheaper to pay for childcare for a few years than a divorce and covering two properties.

The lifestyle they have makes her miserable. There are options that keep him in that job for 9 years, they might be expensive, less enjoyable for him, but they should be discussed and all options be on the table.

this is why renting for 6 months in the city as a trial might be a good idea- try it, see what’s possible.

She has a baby, a loving and concerned husband, a country home, family nearby as a support network, a good income and future prospects, plus education, training, experience, skill.

For so many women that's a dream and an Instagrammable life - and she's miserable. Could PND be in play?

The online world may be an answer, as it was for me during lockdown. I took to delivering group training and 1-1 sessions online, and started writing a book.

Your baby will grow up. While they're in the early years stage, starting her own business from home could be the answer. Creating online courses and live training for people looking for travel nursing advice. Turning what she knows into a moneyspinner.

Mind going into overdrive here, but chickens, gardening, a nutritious baby food business and advice from a qualified nurse ...

I think people who say finances don't matter have never been in poverty or breadline situation. His wife actually works in her field as a well paid nurse. For her to progress her career would be returning to travel nursing as that's her speciality which she doesn't want to do